Little Ballerina

Thursday nights are dance class nights for Laila! This is new for both of us, and I think it may take some getting used to, but she seems to love it so far! Her dance instructor asked if she's ever taken dance before, apparently in the ballet half of the class she's far beyond her skill level! What a natural!

Tap seems much more fun for the little girls, their shoes make fun noises and they get to shake what their mommas gave them! Laila went into this class with her best friend, Kaytlyn, but is making a lot of new friends already! It's such a wonderful experience for her, I can't wait for her recital in May!

Here are a few pictures from last week:

Tickled pink!

Concentrating so hard!

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down!

Laila and Kaytlyn!

Off Day

Yesterday was sort of an "off day" for me, I was feeling exceptionally frumpy, fat, and lazy. I bought a new scale to start weighing myself daily after the "HCG" part of this diet is over, and when I stepped on it, I was shocked, and not in a good way. My last weigh in, Friday, was 193.2 pounds, so when I saw 194 I was devastated. I decided to wait it out, try again first thing in the morning after upping my water intake.

The rest of the day seemed to follow suit, I made a mess of everything I touched! I was dropping things on the floor, spilling things on the counters, and I just didn't feel up to par. To ice the crappy cake, Dustin got called in last night for this morning, a 12 hour shift on his day off! It upset our whole evening, I had to cook meals for him to take to work on short notice, and he had to get up at 4:30am. Furthermore, I had to get up with Laila and find her a ride to school so I didn't have to drag 2 sleeping children out in the cold at 7:45am. It wasn't shaping up to be a very good day.

Last night, snuggled up in bed, Dustin looked at me and told me I'm beautiful. I almost cried, had I not been so tired! It was so sincere, so genuine, and I felt like I could tackle the world. Today, my to-do list keeps growing, and I haven't managed to check off a thing. I am still in pajamas, and so are my kids. I haven't showered of brushed my hair, or my teeth. I have managed to waste a good hour on Facebook today, and Dora is on television, keeping Kenadi occupied. Underneath all my flaws, I'm beautiful, because he told me so. I constantly have to remind myself that life is only what you make of it. If he thinks I'm something special, than I better believe him. Love is what makes our world go around.

I am feeling more motivated than ever to start tackling my to-do list, I even invited a friend over for Kenadi to play with! The chores will not beat me, neither will a few pounds. I can't let a scale run my life, and I can't get discouraged when the chores aren't all finished on time. My kids are clean, fed, and healthy. My marriage is thriving in a world of failure. I am loved, and I am in love. What an amazing feeling to fall asleep to, and a great outlook to wake up with in the morning.

10!

Today was the day! My first weigh in after starting the HCG diet and boy, was I surprised! I have not even so much as licked my finger tips after touching something not "approved" on this diet, but I was still frightened the scale wouldn't reflect my hard work.

Joanne came over this morning, looking slim as usual! Toting her scale and tape measure, she was ready for me to weigh in and take my measurements. I must tell you, to say I was "pleasantly surprised" would be an understatement! After my "fat loading" and intial weight, I was hoping to see 195lbs today. When I got on the scale, I could hardly believe my eyes! The total was...

193.2 pounds!!!

I lost 10 pounds! In 5 days! I am just astonished, but so very proud! I'm not sure I can remember the last time I've seen numbers under 200, let alone close to 190! My goal for the next 2 weeks is to drop another 8 pounds with the diet, I would like to end around 185lbs or less! Once the HCG part of the diet is complete, I move to a more "atkins" style diet where I can eat more meats and add in further seasonings like oils and such. During that phase, I am free to exercise as well. I will continue to set small, but achievable goals for myself. Each goal I reach feels like I'm on top of mountain! What a great feeling!!

Thank you, again, for your support!

HCG Day 5

It has been almost 1 week since I have embarked on this journey of strict dieting, and it seems to be getting easier! Finally! Tomorrow is my first weigh in since I began, though the first 2 days were "fat loading" days, in which I probably gained weight, hopefully I lost that and plenty more!

I tried on a pair of jeans yesterday, the same jeans I wore just a week ago, and though they still fit the same through my thighs (sigh), they zipped with ease and my sides were comfortably in them. Yes! No more muffin top, no matter how slight it may have been! I paired those jeans with a hoodie I have struggled to zip for months, and had no problems getting it comfortably on! What a miracle! I am anxiously looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in.

I must admit, I have found a new obesession! I save my last piece of fruit until around 10 pm and flip on Netflix. Dustin and I have sat down to watch Dexter almost every single day this past week! We are on season one, so please don't ruin it for me with any spoilers, but it's so very addictive! What an awesome show, and I enjoy my snack and my husband's company while watching it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the big reveal, how much I have lost this week! My original weigh in after delivering my son 5 months ago was 238lbs. My weigh in starting this diet last week was 199 lbs. Progress? Yes! Have I met my goal? No. My goal is 165lbs, which means I still have 34lbs to go! We'll find out tomorrow how much closer I am! Keep your fingers crossed! Thanks for all the support!!

Today

I love the kind of relationships that are so strong, you can go days, weeks, even months without speaking to someone, and not a thing changes. The trust you have in them never diminishes, the love you have for them grows, and each time you speak, it's like picking up right where you left off.

Today, I had a conversation with someone I hold very dear to my heart, someone I don't speak with nearly enough, and never get to see. We have a speak freely relationship- in my opinion, the best kind. Anything goes, anytime. The topic of today was therapy, I've never been, and the consensus is I should give it a whirl. The reasoning? I have a lot on my plate. Sure, I have days when I think I have a lot on my plate, but most days I feel just like anyone else.

Naturally, my mind can't stay on one subject very long, and I started day dreaming about the past, the future, and the present. From an outsider looking in, I suppose it does look like I have quite a bit going on. A baby, a toddler, a diabetic kindergartner, a husband, a home with a mortgage, sounds overwhelming just typing it all out! I feel like I'm constantly turning in circles, trying to make ends meet is near impossible at times, and I'm sure I will forever feel defeated, tired, and under appreciated.

Things used to be different, I never wanted kids. After having Laila, I still felt like the world was mine and I held it in the palm of my hand. I had dreams as big as the sky, and I felt unstoppable. After having two more kids, Laila's diagnosis, moving away from home and everything in between, my dreams have changed. I have new hopes, new desires, and the standards I set for myself has changed.

Plenty of times through this journey I have felt down about myself, my choices, my desires, my hopes, and dreams. Those are the times, magically, when this special person seems to appear in my life. She pops online, with a quick, "Hello!" or sends a text to let me know I'm on her mind. The times we do get to chat are amazingly healing, honest, and real. She might be the one who thinks therapy is the answer for me, but I think the answer might just be her. A big dose of someone I love reminding me who I am, where I'm from, and to keep my eyes on the prize. She may be biased, but that might be just what I need.

xoxo

He Loves Me

NYE I had a few friends over, and more than a few drinks. Thing were fun, we had a blast, and everyone was safe. Between the 3 of us, we managed to put away over a dozen bottles of beer, 2 bottles of champagne, 1 bottle of wine, and some liquor too. Thankfully, we all were adults and took proper precautions and behaved on the safe side.

Yesterday was garbage day. The stack of bottles and such that I threw in the garbage bin outside was on top when Dustin went to put the rest of the trash in. He asked me if I hid them so he wouldn't get mad. The thought never crossed my mind, but it did get me wondering. Why doesn't he get mad? He had to work that night, miss bringing in the new year with our family, and had to return to work the next morning, just exhausted. He should be jealous, to say the least. He told me he was glad I had a good time with my friends, and was more than pleased to see the house remained clean and the kids were tucked in their beds by a decent hour.

It has taken us both years to come this far in our relationship, and I see 2011 being the best year for us yet. We have both made changes in our lives, and the support I see us having for each other is outstanding. I truly believe we, together, are unstopable. Things haven't always been this great, it's obviously no lie, we have had our share of problems, troubles, ups and downs, but things are only what you make of them. There is nothing I will ever let get in the way of the love I have for my husband.

When you get a few girls together, the alcohol flowing, and the children in bed, everyone becomes a little less stuffy and a little more loose with their words. I was a little surprised to hear the girls speak so highly of my relationship, and to hear them claim how much my husband loves me. Really, really loves me. I wonder if, at times, I take that for granted. My life has been full of struggles, some easier than others, and letting someone in, letting them love me like he does, has been one of the hardest walls to climb yet. I don't feel as though I love myself enough to appreciate the love he has to give.

Last night, we spent some time together, just doing husband and wife things around the house. He helped me prepare some food for our day today, we looked through some recipes together, and watched a tv show on the couch. Nothing out of the ordinary, but to me, it seemed pretty spectacular. I can see now, the pieces of the wall falling and how he has fought so hard to make it through. I am so thankful we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, and I know he loves me. Really, really loves me.

HCG Day 3

Today has seemed to be the easiest, and hardest day so far. The HCG diet is strict, to say the least! I find that if I don't eat anything until 12-1pm, the rest of the day seems to go a lot smoother. I have plenty of food to last me each day, I just wish it was more!

The meals I've made myself have been delicious, if I do say so myself! I have been eating the allowed 500 calories a day, and experimenting with new ideas and flavors. Yesterday, by far my favorite, was asian chicken lettuce wraps. I pan seared my chicken with some soy sauce, garlic, ginger, chili powder and ICBINB spray. I cut the chicken into small pieces and wrapped them in fresh butter lettuce, and sprinkled crushed melba toast on top. So, so yummy. I was feeling full once I ate it all, which is a great feeling! Hopefully, that means this diet is really working!

Last night, Laila helped me make home-made barbecue sauce, which I enjoyed on some extra-lean ground beef for lunch. Yes, Sloppy Joe's in a bowl for me! Tonight, I may even convince Dustin to grill my chicken on the barbecue and slather some of my home-made bbq sauce on it, I'm sure it will be devine.

These last few days have really taught me some serious self control, if nothing else. It has shown me just how out of control my eating habbits were, not just in the amount of food I would consume, but the carbohydrates, fat, and sugar. I have taken time to prepare my meals with thought and planning, and I've written down each meal in a daily planner. I never used to read labels, even as of late I would only check the carbs for Laila. I feel pretty good, knowing I'm making healthy choices for myself. I am excited, and not-so-patiently waiting to see what Friday's weigh in will bring!

Pay it Forward

Laila's diabetes has not just affected how she lives her day to day life, but it's seeped into each and every one our our lives in ways I didn't realize were coming. Her testing supplies, though not cheap, have been covered by our insurance company since her diagnosis, saving us literally thousands of dollars in just the past few months.


Just days before Christmas, Walgreens broke the news to me that our insurance wasn't covering any more pharmacy refills, leaving me to foot the cost of her testing strips at over a dollar a piece. Laila is testing anywhere from 5-7 times a day, which mathmathically equals expensive. I had the option to buy a full box of 100, or in increments of 25. I purchased 50 and contacted our insurance company immediately. Though I'm not a policy holder, they spoke to me and explained I had to purchase her supplies through mail order, though they couldn't explain much else. Dustin called and spoke with someone who was able to answer most of our questions, giving us a quote on the cost and delivery time. Perfect, Laila's supplies would arrive 8 days after being called in by the doctor. The following morning I called the doctor to find the office was closed for 5 days. I fell apart, just completely lost it. How was I supposed to afford to keep purchasing these strips when I was getting them for free? I left numerous messages with the endocrinology office and obviously got no reply. Finally, I was able to get in touch with one of the nurses, Fran, and she was able to help me out. She ordered a 100 day supply of both testing strips and lancets for Laila, and prescribing she tests 8 times a day. That will cover more than 100 days, save us on our co-pay, and provide extra strips and lancets for Laila to take to school. I am still waiting on the order to come through, and since then, I've returned to Walgreens to purchase more strips to get me through the next few days.

This afternoon, I took a stroll out to the mailbox and found a package. I was thrilled, thinking it was Laila's testing strips from the insurance company. As I pulled it out, I realized there was no way, this package was way too small, though it was addressed to her. Normally, I wouldn't open her mail, but the return address caught my eye. Something in my stomach fluttered as I realized it was from the hospital. Receiving a package addressed to your diabetic child from the hospital where she is treated is positively a negative sign, or so I thought. I managed to wait until I sat down next to Dustin before tearing it open, and I nearly cried as I grasped what fell into my lap. 2 boxes of testing strips, 25 each. Attached, a little post-it note reading, "Hope this helps, Fran".
 
These nurses, these wonderful ladies at Phoenix Children's Hospital must have heard it all. After speaking with Fran, she must have heard in my voice my desperation as a mother, why else would she have sent me these strips? I know the price wasn't out of her pocket, but the time she took to pass on such kindness, such thoughtfulness, is overwhelming to me. Someone in my life, someone I have met just once, has taken it upon herself to pay it forward. To me. The thanks I have for this small gift is monumentous, she has literally saved my bank account from overdrafting, my husband from having to find more overtime hours, and me from worrying how I'll supply my daughter with what she needs in a pinch.
 
I hope one day I can change the life of someone, if in such a simple way as this. I hope my "hello's" are noticed by some who needs a smile, my polite "thank-you's" are noticed by someone having a bad day, or my laughter brightens someone's heart. I will try my hardest to pass this along, I know there are plenty of others who need it as much as I did. In 1916, Lily Hardy Hammond wrote, "You don't pay love back; you pay it forward." I have plenty of love to give.
 
To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

HCG

Today is the big day! I'm starting the HCG diet in the hopes of dropping some excess weight quickly, and from my entire body. I must admit, the diet is extremly strict, and though I know I can do it, it's going to be difficult. I still have to prepare food for the girls, and Dustin, and without tasting a thing.

The past 2 days I was "fat loading", I did my very best to eat what I could, but after starting the injections, I wasn't nearly as hungry as usual. I did manage to sneak some Taco Bell in on Saturday night, and I think I probably consumed enough alcohol to last me the whole 6 weeks of this diet!

As much as I want to, I'm going to keep myself from hopping on the scale every time I use the bathroom! I have decided to weigh in once a week. After 3 weeks of injections, paired with a 500 calorie diet of no carbohydrates, fats, or sugars, I'm hoping to be down at least 15 pounds! Granted, that's just a tad bit of my real goal, 35 pounds, it's a start. I don't feel as though I'm "fat", just not happy in my own skin. I've lost almost 40 pounds already since having my son, all my pregnancy weight is gone, plus an additional 20 from eating right and taking care of myself. This diet is just an extra boost to get me to where I need to be so I can maintain the right way, with diet and exercise.

I know size is just a number, and so is my weight, but I also know where I'll feel comfortable, and about where I want to be. I want to be doing this for the right reasons-so I feel healthy, have more energy, and feel good about the way I look. If I'm unhappy with myself, and I don't love me for me, no one else can love me for who I am either.

To those of you who have supported me this far, thank you. Keep pushing me in the right direction, I need all the support I can get! Instead of critizing me for my weight gain, praise me for my weight loss, my drive to take better care of myself and be the best "me" I can be.

I hope this helps me to settle into a happier new year, starting it off on the right foot, and for the right reasons.

NYE

Last night I said goodbye to 2010 with a bang! I invited a couple friends over and had a wonderful time! These ladies really get me, and it's a great feeling! We ate, drank, and laughed until we cried. No topic was off limits, and we even played adult truth or dare from an app I found on my phone. Here's a brief recap in photos...

Happy New Year, Everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your night as much as I did!