I sit at home alone and stare at myself in the mirror. I see nothing but imperfections and disgust. I know I am not worthy of the things I have or the things that have been given to me. I must make everyone see me for who and what I am. Worthless. I see a spot, I must destroy it. I must attack it, ruin my outer self until I see blood. I need some confirmation of the pain I feel inside, something to show me just how awful I really am. I feel as though it's the only way to get through to myself. No one can take it away from me, I am in control. I am the only one who can stop when the pain gets too bad, but it's never too bad; it's never enough. I always want to go a little further, make it burn a little more. One day someone will see the wretched things I have done and they will assume the worst, I am a bad person, I can't be bothered with. This is what I call the truth. I see the scars of the past, of the cleansing I have done to myself, and they make me feel guilty. So guilty, I must continue on, find a new spot, and start all over again. It's like a drug to me, a rush to me, like my dirty little secret.
It's 110+ degrees here for months, I cannot wear shorts now, maybe not ever. The damage I have done is irreversable, but I cannot stop it. I have the devil on my shoulder egging me on every step of the way. He whispers in my ear and each time it gets a little deeper, a little wider, and a little easier than the last. Will I ever be able to redeem myself in my own eyes? Am I worthy of stopping? Why stop, when it's easy to do and even easier to hide
March 31, 2010
Parenting
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I have something to say about parenting. Parenting is just like anything else in life, I don't think there's a "right" or a "norm", there is no guidebook that has all the answers, and there's no one person out there who has the right to judge another.
I will admit, my kids are far from perfect-they get that from me. I'll be the first one to say when my kid is having a bad day, misbehaving, or just acting like a total brat, and I like to think I'm the last to make excuses. I take criticism as contructively as possible, and I try to do the best I can with the resources I have attainable. I've done some reading, I've asked around, and I've gone off motherly instinct, but I'm not perfect. Believe me, I'm no pro, if you could see my phone bill right now you'd see countless calls to my dad and sister that last just minutes-that's me asking for advice on what the heck to do with these kids!
In addition to being a not-even-close to perfect mom, I'm also a not-even-close to perfect human being. This is where the constructive criticism comes in, and admitting my kids-and my own- faults. There is no job application for being a mom, no credits required, and no where out there is there a book that tells you exactly what to expect, no matter what the title says.
If you knew me 5+ years ago, you knew I was one person who did NOT want kids, no way, no how. I was determined to live a life that revolved around ME, not changing diapers, pushing strollers, filling out reading charts and coming up with indoor crafts for a rainy day. All that aside, this is the life I now aspire to be good at, and I think I'm doing pretty okay. That doesn't mean I don't get the occasional dirty look at the grocery store or whispers at the park for the way I talk to my children, but in my opinion they're going to be adults someday, and I want them to hear it from me first. I refuse to use any excuse, whether it's legit or not, and not wanting kids is far from an excuse I can use now. I find it disgusting how often moms throw out there the most random excuses for their child's behavior. I don't care if you work full time, or if you just moved, or if your babysitter is no good, these are all things I've been through myself, and I am pretty sure they're not the only reason my kids do or do not behave. I am not one to tell someone else how to parent, but if you ask me, I'll speak my mind!
Dustin and I always say we don't like other people's kids, and the older I get, I find this statement to be more true. It's an awful thing to say, and a blanket statment at that, but I have such a hard time with the aforementioned excuses and just plain lack of giving a damn that I find it difficult meeting other people who look at things the same way as I do. It's not my way or the highway, and I don't feel my way is the only way, or the right way, but at times I am just baffled by the blinders other parents wear. If your kid hits, regardless of the circumstances preceeding or following, your kid still hit. End of story. Handle it accordingly. Same thing applies if your child bites, swears, or does something else (by your standards, I suppose) to be wrong.
I guess I'm done here, take this how you wish, this isn't a personal knock on anyone or their parenting style, just a bit about my own, I suppose. I'm not offering unsolicited parenting advice here, just blogging about parenting in general. I am an avid blog reader myself and I have seen a few posts about not telling someone else how to raise their child, but they always seem to find their way back to the excuses. Maybe if the excuses stopped and the real problem was addressed, you wouldn't need all those lousy excuses to begin with. Just a thought.
I will admit, my kids are far from perfect-they get that from me. I'll be the first one to say when my kid is having a bad day, misbehaving, or just acting like a total brat, and I like to think I'm the last to make excuses. I take criticism as contructively as possible, and I try to do the best I can with the resources I have attainable. I've done some reading, I've asked around, and I've gone off motherly instinct, but I'm not perfect. Believe me, I'm no pro, if you could see my phone bill right now you'd see countless calls to my dad and sister that last just minutes-that's me asking for advice on what the heck to do with these kids!
In addition to being a not-even-close to perfect mom, I'm also a not-even-close to perfect human being. This is where the constructive criticism comes in, and admitting my kids-and my own- faults. There is no job application for being a mom, no credits required, and no where out there is there a book that tells you exactly what to expect, no matter what the title says.
If you knew me 5+ years ago, you knew I was one person who did NOT want kids, no way, no how. I was determined to live a life that revolved around ME, not changing diapers, pushing strollers, filling out reading charts and coming up with indoor crafts for a rainy day. All that aside, this is the life I now aspire to be good at, and I think I'm doing pretty okay. That doesn't mean I don't get the occasional dirty look at the grocery store or whispers at the park for the way I talk to my children, but in my opinion they're going to be adults someday, and I want them to hear it from me first. I refuse to use any excuse, whether it's legit or not, and not wanting kids is far from an excuse I can use now. I find it disgusting how often moms throw out there the most random excuses for their child's behavior. I don't care if you work full time, or if you just moved, or if your babysitter is no good, these are all things I've been through myself, and I am pretty sure they're not the only reason my kids do or do not behave. I am not one to tell someone else how to parent, but if you ask me, I'll speak my mind!
Dustin and I always say we don't like other people's kids, and the older I get, I find this statement to be more true. It's an awful thing to say, and a blanket statment at that, but I have such a hard time with the aforementioned excuses and just plain lack of giving a damn that I find it difficult meeting other people who look at things the same way as I do. It's not my way or the highway, and I don't feel my way is the only way, or the right way, but at times I am just baffled by the blinders other parents wear. If your kid hits, regardless of the circumstances preceeding or following, your kid still hit. End of story. Handle it accordingly. Same thing applies if your child bites, swears, or does something else (by your standards, I suppose) to be wrong.
I guess I'm done here, take this how you wish, this isn't a personal knock on anyone or their parenting style, just a bit about my own, I suppose. I'm not offering unsolicited parenting advice here, just blogging about parenting in general. I am an avid blog reader myself and I have seen a few posts about not telling someone else how to raise their child, but they always seem to find their way back to the excuses. Maybe if the excuses stopped and the real problem was addressed, you wouldn't need all those lousy excuses to begin with. Just a thought.
March 27, 2010
I digress.
As of late, I have noticed things in my life have been shifting. I've been meeting new people, and trying new things. I've expanded the mom's group to incorporate outings and more events, and many new people have joined. Still, something's not right. I feel more alone now than I have in a long time.
I have no shortage of "friends", but these friends don't seem real to me. Are they people I could call in the middle of the night? No, probably not. Would they run out and grab me a chalupa if I couldn't leave the house? I doubt it. Sure, they may come to my kids' birthday parties or show up to a bbq, but it seems like they're there for the good, and when the going gets tough, they split. Is this my fault, or theirs? My vote goes to me. I have a way of sabotaging things beyond repair.
So why is it that I have such a hard time letting people in? I have no trouble shutting them out, that's for sure. I bet probably one out of every five know my last name, and one out of every 20 my middle name. I bet they don't know the things my kids like, what I enjoy doing for fun, or even where I'm from. They always say, quality counts for more than quantity, but I find myself struggling with both. I feel like my "friends" are dropping like flies, finding someone better, someone with more money, more spontaneous, more whatever-to hang out with. I feel "not good enough" on a daily basis, but what I can't figure out is why this even matters? I have a few friends that know me inside and out, and I have my husband and children, without them, I don't know who I'd be.
For some reason, I sit here and blame myself. Why can't I seem to keep a friend, a real, true friend? All these "fair weather" friends are obviously something I don't want in my life, I don't need to bargain or beg for someone's attention, but what is it I'm doing wrong? How is it I am meeting all the wrong people, and everyone else seems to have these fabulous friendships? This is why I think it's me, I have to, because I can't believe that much of the human population has better luck than I do. Maybe I'm wrong...I just wish someone would prove it.
Tonight, I digress.
I have no shortage of "friends", but these friends don't seem real to me. Are they people I could call in the middle of the night? No, probably not. Would they run out and grab me a chalupa if I couldn't leave the house? I doubt it. Sure, they may come to my kids' birthday parties or show up to a bbq, but it seems like they're there for the good, and when the going gets tough, they split. Is this my fault, or theirs? My vote goes to me. I have a way of sabotaging things beyond repair.
So why is it that I have such a hard time letting people in? I have no trouble shutting them out, that's for sure. I bet probably one out of every five know my last name, and one out of every 20 my middle name. I bet they don't know the things my kids like, what I enjoy doing for fun, or even where I'm from. They always say, quality counts for more than quantity, but I find myself struggling with both. I feel like my "friends" are dropping like flies, finding someone better, someone with more money, more spontaneous, more whatever-to hang out with. I feel "not good enough" on a daily basis, but what I can't figure out is why this even matters? I have a few friends that know me inside and out, and I have my husband and children, without them, I don't know who I'd be.
For some reason, I sit here and blame myself. Why can't I seem to keep a friend, a real, true friend? All these "fair weather" friends are obviously something I don't want in my life, I don't need to bargain or beg for someone's attention, but what is it I'm doing wrong? How is it I am meeting all the wrong people, and everyone else seems to have these fabulous friendships? This is why I think it's me, I have to, because I can't believe that much of the human population has better luck than I do. Maybe I'm wrong...I just wish someone would prove it.
Tonight, I digress.
March 26, 2010
Building a New Face
I knew it would happen, I knew this day would come, but I must admit, I was far from prepared. There comes a point in parenting when your child teaches you, and you no longer feel in control, but completely, totaly helpless. Laila is just 4 1/2 years old, but wise beyond her years. The compassion flowing through that little girl exceeds that of most adults, and the empathy she feels is admirable.
I do my best not to shelter my children from the truth, harsh or not, I'd rather her learn it right here at home than from a classmate or a friend. I let them make their own opinions, choose the things they like and dislike, and within reason make all their own choices. They both have strong, independent personalities, and for this, I am a proud mom, I feel like I did something right.
Nothing compares to the way I felt tonight. I have never, ever felt like this in my life. I let Laila watch very little T.V. during the day, maybe a show in the morning or during Kenadi's nap, and a show with me at night. Kenadi knows how to turn the television on, but not how to change the channel, so often the T.V. ends up on and no one has a clue what's playing, it's just background noise to us. I was getting the girls ready to go to the store, and Kenadi turned the tube on again, and for some reason Laila was stunned, almost like something had rooted her to the ground. I was in such a hurry to leave, I hardly noticed the channel that was on, or what was playing. It was Discovery Health, and the show was called "Building a New Face".
"Building a New Face" is a show about a little girl, Juliana, who was born with no face. It documents the life of this child, her struggles, surgeries, and the obstacles she's overcome. I asked Laila if she was scared, she was sitting there gripping the remote controls, unable to look away, and in tears over this little girl. Her response to me was one I'll never forget. She told me she was sad for this little girl. She is sad because she has such problems with her face, and she feels bad because no one will want to be her friend. I asked her if she would be her friend, and she said yes, everyone is different. She feels empathy, something most adults struggle with. She said she's scared for the little girl because, she's scared at the hospital. Laila compares herself to this little girl, and thinks nothing of it. She speaks of her like she's just as normal as the next, yet she understands just how different she really is.
Watching something like this is a reality check for any parent, you count your blessings and kiss your children one more time. Maybe you tell them you love them again, or take them out for a special treat because they're special to you. I tell Laila and Kenadi every day how much they mean to me, and I love them as big as the world. Today, after watching this show, Laila told me how lucky I am to have them. She reminded me that I have two beautiful, sweet girls, and those poor people have only one, and she's got a sad face. My heart aches, for the family of that little girl, for the other families I know are out there, and for Laila. She holds the weight of the world on her little shoulders.
It's moments like these, I know I must be doing something right. I struggle daily, wondering if I am making the right choices, teaching them the right things, instilling the right values...then something phenomenal comes out of Laila's mouth, something so compassionate, it brings me to tears. Then I know I've made the right choices, I've said and done the right things-with plenty of wrongs along the way- but enough good to experience moments like this. I promised them I will help to carry the weight, there should be no burden on them, they are too young. But I still believe honesty is the best policy, take it or leave it, and it shows.
I do my best not to shelter my children from the truth, harsh or not, I'd rather her learn it right here at home than from a classmate or a friend. I let them make their own opinions, choose the things they like and dislike, and within reason make all their own choices. They both have strong, independent personalities, and for this, I am a proud mom, I feel like I did something right.
Nothing compares to the way I felt tonight. I have never, ever felt like this in my life. I let Laila watch very little T.V. during the day, maybe a show in the morning or during Kenadi's nap, and a show with me at night. Kenadi knows how to turn the television on, but not how to change the channel, so often the T.V. ends up on and no one has a clue what's playing, it's just background noise to us. I was getting the girls ready to go to the store, and Kenadi turned the tube on again, and for some reason Laila was stunned, almost like something had rooted her to the ground. I was in such a hurry to leave, I hardly noticed the channel that was on, or what was playing. It was Discovery Health, and the show was called "Building a New Face".
"Building a New Face" is a show about a little girl, Juliana, who was born with no face. It documents the life of this child, her struggles, surgeries, and the obstacles she's overcome. I asked Laila if she was scared, she was sitting there gripping the remote controls, unable to look away, and in tears over this little girl. Her response to me was one I'll never forget. She told me she was sad for this little girl. She is sad because she has such problems with her face, and she feels bad because no one will want to be her friend. I asked her if she would be her friend, and she said yes, everyone is different. She feels empathy, something most adults struggle with. She said she's scared for the little girl because, she's scared at the hospital. Laila compares herself to this little girl, and thinks nothing of it. She speaks of her like she's just as normal as the next, yet she understands just how different she really is.
Watching something like this is a reality check for any parent, you count your blessings and kiss your children one more time. Maybe you tell them you love them again, or take them out for a special treat because they're special to you. I tell Laila and Kenadi every day how much they mean to me, and I love them as big as the world. Today, after watching this show, Laila told me how lucky I am to have them. She reminded me that I have two beautiful, sweet girls, and those poor people have only one, and she's got a sad face. My heart aches, for the family of that little girl, for the other families I know are out there, and for Laila. She holds the weight of the world on her little shoulders.
It's moments like these, I know I must be doing something right. I struggle daily, wondering if I am making the right choices, teaching them the right things, instilling the right values...then something phenomenal comes out of Laila's mouth, something so compassionate, it brings me to tears. Then I know I've made the right choices, I've said and done the right things-with plenty of wrongs along the way- but enough good to experience moments like this. I promised them I will help to carry the weight, there should be no burden on them, they are too young. But I still believe honesty is the best policy, take it or leave it, and it shows.
March 25, 2010
Laila's First Hair Cut!
Today was Laila's very first hair cut! I must admit, I cried more than she did! Laila's preschool teacher Jen Hensley has her own hair salon, Textures, right in her spare garage! It's a gorgeous salon, and she did an amazing job!
Her hair is just so beautiful, it curls even more now that we finally trimmed it! I kept her very first curls, there was so little hair left on the floor I have just a tiny handful! It is so bittersweet, watching Laila grow up and pave the way for both of us. I am so proud of her for being so brave! This was a first time for her, and for me, too.
A Day For Deals!
Today has been one amazing day for saving money! I got a few amazing deals today!
I started out my day by going to Target and picking up some things...
1 package of Pampers Diapers
2 containers of Pampers Wipes
4 packages of Huggies Diapers
4 bottles of Dove Shampoo... See More
1 Beach Towel
1 can of Disinfectant Spray
1 (2pk) Renuzit Air Fresheners
1 tube of Colgate Toothpaste
1 package of Disposal Care drop ins
My total pre-coupons and savings: $79.77, after coupons and savings I spent $28.16 =)
I was feeling on top of the world when I got an e-mail from someone about some baby boy clothes! She has been saving them for me, and because of a missed e-mail, she felt bad and threw in some extra clothes!
I went through the clothes and counted over 50 pieces! I spent only $20 on the entire box of clothes, and there's not a bad piece in there! There are brands like Nike, Baby Gap, Circo, Carters, and more! The clothes are all in great shape! After going through everything I have, I have enough clothes to last my son until he's 18 months old! I am so excited to have found such deals today!
I believe my job is to spend the money Dustin makes as wisely as I can. This is my "day job". The hours of overtime he has to put in is a direct reflection of what we spend each month. Obviously, not paying things like our mortage or electric bill are not an option, but way overspending on groceries is! I know he appreciates all I do to save the money he makes, and it makes me feel good knowing I can help out when and where I can. Happy spending!
March 24, 2010
A Quickie
I have some catching up to do! I haven't posted anything about my shopping trip, or our adventure to feed the ducks today! Here's a quick recap.
Dustin had a few days off, which allowed me the time to go through some serious coupons and get things situated to save some serious money! I was able to save over $80 dollars at the grocery store and buy enough food to stock-pile my 2 garage shelves and feed our family of four for over two weeks! I even found a spectacular deal on diapers at Target. I was able to pick up 3 jumbo packs of Huggies diapers, 10 bottles of SoBe water, and 1 bottle each of Dove shampoo and conditioner for just under $15, and I also walked away with an extra $5.00 Target gift card I plan on using tomorrow!
Today we went to feed the ducks at one of the developments in our area that actually has fountains. The ducks didn't seem to hungry, but we still had fun! Laila and her little girl friends didn't care if the ducks were eating what they were throwing to them, and they looked cute as ever. We had lots of snacks and friends to keep us busy! We got to play in the grass, even if it was a bit crunchy! I am a horrible mom, and forgot the sun screen! Kenadi, Laila and I all got a little red on our shoulders and chests. Even the part in Kenadi's hair is sunburned!
Our playdates always seem to turn out so nice and cozy, not too many people and just the right amount of kids. There's never an over-abundance of girls or boys, and even some kids are the same age, which is fantastic! It seems as though Kenadi has found herself a little boyfriend already, and she's not even two! He's such a handsome little boy, I couldn't help but snap a photo when I saw them smoochin, it was too cute! They shared their food, drinks, and even some lovins! At least I know what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life! Sheesh!
When Dustin has a day or two off, we try to treat the kids with something special. Whether it's dessert, a day out, a special toy, we're never quite sure, but we try to make the most of it. We decided on a big ice cream sundae for the girls, and he sat and fed it to them (and even had some for himself too!) and they just loved it! They couldn't get it fast enough, but they shared so well! It was adorable. I'm seeing the differences and similarities they share, their personalities grow and change every day, it's amazing. I love being their mom!
I just want to post this last photo from today, it's a side by side of Laila and Kenadi. I can't believe how much they look alike! Dustin always jokes about Kenadi coming from the "post man", but I think after this there will be no more post man jokes! My sweet blonde babies!
Laila 4 1/2 yrs.
Kenadi 18 mo.
March 21, 2010
Life is Good Today
I had a great day today, and just wanted to share. Today started normal, laundry, dishes, and 2 rowdy girls tearing the house apart. Dustin is working a shorter shift tonight so he got up at a decent hour (yes, noon is a decent hour for him in our house!) and we all got ready to go.
The plan for the day was to head to The Home Depot to pick up some Ortho Bug spray. The big question of the day, where do we eat? It's not often we have the time, energy, and money combined to go out as a family and sit down and enjoy a nice meal. If we do eat out, it's usually McDonalds so the girls can play, or Chipotle because baby Dustin is starving. We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, and it was delicious! It was so great, I even ordered an appetizer! I was a high roller today! Kenadi ate more onions than anyone I've ever seen, and Laila loved cracking the peanuts and smashing the shells on the floor!
We had a surprisingly nice trip to The Home Depot after lunch, which I like to consider a miracle! It's one of very, very few trips we've made to that store, and probably the only one we managed to make it through without a fight! For some reason, that store brings out the worst in me, and some crazy switch is flipped inside the kids' brains as soon as we get inside there, it makes them act like wild children! Must be the smell.
Unfortunately, Dustin has to work tonight, which is where he is now. His shift is a short one, though, from 6pm-2am, which means he'll be able to spend part of the night with me, and tomorrow will be another fine day! Now, if only Kenadi would go to sleep...
The plan for the day was to head to The Home Depot to pick up some Ortho Bug spray. The big question of the day, where do we eat? It's not often we have the time, energy, and money combined to go out as a family and sit down and enjoy a nice meal. If we do eat out, it's usually McDonalds so the girls can play, or Chipotle because baby Dustin is starving. We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, and it was delicious! It was so great, I even ordered an appetizer! I was a high roller today! Kenadi ate more onions than anyone I've ever seen, and Laila loved cracking the peanuts and smashing the shells on the floor!
We had a surprisingly nice trip to The Home Depot after lunch, which I like to consider a miracle! It's one of very, very few trips we've made to that store, and probably the only one we managed to make it through without a fight! For some reason, that store brings out the worst in me, and some crazy switch is flipped inside the kids' brains as soon as we get inside there, it makes them act like wild children! Must be the smell.
Unfortunately, Dustin has to work tonight, which is where he is now. His shift is a short one, though, from 6pm-2am, which means he'll be able to spend part of the night with me, and tomorrow will be another fine day! Now, if only Kenadi would go to sleep...
March 19, 2010
You're Amazing!
Today, like any other day, seemed normal. I got up, got the girls dressed and ready to roll, and off to a playdate we went. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we ate, chatted, and came home. I started some chores, and went to check the mail. Then, it happened. That one little gesture that someone does to blow you away. It may seem small to them, but to you, it's like someone just put the world in the palm of your hand.
I was sifting through the bills and advertisements and I reached in and found a bubble mailer. What on Earth could this be, and which one of the kids is it for? That's what I was saying to myself when I saw my name on the address line! Surely, some kind of mistake! Who would send me mail? I saw the return address and a huge smile was beaming across my face. My *cough*favorite*cough* niece had sent me something! I couldn't believe it! The girl who hasn't made it to the DMV in 7 years to change her last name on her license managed to think of me and get to the post office and send me a little gift!
I was able to contain myself long enough to get in the house, but after slamming the front door I ripped that package open like a child on Christmas morning. Inside, was one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. It was a little decorative trinket that reads "You're amazing". Now, I already felt like a million bucks, but when I saw that, I felt like I really deserved it! The card was even better! It said "Believe in yourself..." "Because I do!" How amazing is that! Someone out there believes in me. Little ole me! Suburban, stay at home mom, boring, drab, uninteresting me! It's times like these that just make me want to hop on a plane and fly to Chicago, just to give her a hug and tell her I appreciate her.
There's nothing in the world like knowing someone, somewhere out there thinks you're doing a fine job. I've been called some pretty great things here and there, in fact, I've even been called "amazing".
I was sifting through the bills and advertisements and I reached in and found a bubble mailer. What on Earth could this be, and which one of the kids is it for? That's what I was saying to myself when I saw my name on the address line! Surely, some kind of mistake! Who would send me mail? I saw the return address and a huge smile was beaming across my face. My *cough*favorite*cough* niece had sent me something! I couldn't believe it! The girl who hasn't made it to the DMV in 7 years to change her last name on her license managed to think of me and get to the post office and send me a little gift!
I was able to contain myself long enough to get in the house, but after slamming the front door I ripped that package open like a child on Christmas morning. Inside, was one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. It was a little decorative trinket that reads "You're amazing". Now, I already felt like a million bucks, but when I saw that, I felt like I really deserved it! The card was even better! It said "Believe in yourself..." "Because I do!" How amazing is that! Someone out there believes in me. Little ole me! Suburban, stay at home mom, boring, drab, uninteresting me! It's times like these that just make me want to hop on a plane and fly to Chicago, just to give her a hug and tell her I appreciate her.
There's nothing in the world like knowing someone, somewhere out there thinks you're doing a fine job. I've been called some pretty great things here and there, in fact, I've even been called "amazing".
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