Baby Fever

I'll admit it, the thought crosses my mind multiple times a day. I have baby fever! What I wouldn't give to hear that newborn cry again, so tiny and new. To smell the sweet baby skin, to hold a little bundle of joy in my arms, I crave it. I long for those chubby little legs and the late night feedings, the endless piles of blankets and bibs, every bit of it. I'm prepared for the sleepless nights and the bags under my eyes, I don't care about those things, I just want another sweet baby to smooch!

We all know that isn't going to happen, so today at the park, I took time to just sit and watch each of my three beautiful children. They have developed their own personalities, so different from each other, and it's absolutely fascinating. They have lots of things in common, they're all very polite, very compassionate, and they love each other very much. The relationships they have with each other are enough to bring me to tears, they make me so proud. I hope to be not only their mom, but their best friend one day. After all, they get their best qualities from me.

I know you can't see her face in this picture, but Laila is a thinker. She's constantly lost in her own thoughts, a world where she's comfortable, and free. I wish, sometime, just for a minute I could see what she sees. She's grown beyond her years, diabetes will do that to a child. The responsibility that lies on her shoulders is greater than that of most adults, and I know she can handle it. She is the oldest, and acts like she's a grown adult! I have to remind her, constantly, to be child! Go play, enjoy being carefree and irresponsible! Make a mess and clean it later. Laila would rather read a book, draw a picture, or practice school work. She reminds me of myself at her age, with her nose constantly stuck in a book.

I can only dream of being as happy as Kenadi is. This child has not a care in the world, and she is as free as a bird. Her thoughts fly to the furthest away planet and back again, and her imagination is inspiring. She is creative and mothering in a way I hope she sees me. She gets so lost in play, she forgets what she was doing half the time, she's the total opposite of her big sister, and a true middle child. She is a big sister to her brother when Laila's at school, but when Laila comes home each day, she worships the ground Laila steps on. Watching her today reminded me just how gentle and precious she really is. I have to remind myself not to rush her to grow up.

Dustin, Jr. is everything I never knew I always wanted. He took my breath away the second he arrived, and he continues to do so every single day of my life. I never dreamed having a son would be like this. After two girls, I wasn't prepared for dinosaurs, trucks, or Buzz Lightyear, but I couldn't imagine my life without it. He is very OCD, very routine and structured, he would watch Toy Story (1, 2, or 3) on repeat if I allowed it, and he is only affectionate on his terms. Today, he played alone almost the entire day, and it made me smile. Being the youngest, he spends his days sharing everything he owns, including me. Playing alone at the park meant he didn't have to share, he did his own thing and he loved every minute of it. I do my best to enjoy him to the fullest, because he's my last baby, and my only son.

Another Year Older!

This is the third year in a row I took my kids to the same park in mid-January to feed the ducks and play on the jungle-gym. We enjoyed 70+ degree weather, it was gorgeous! I had to document our annual trip with a photo! I'm sad to say they don't all fit in each other's lap on the slide anymore, but they had a blast trying! They're growing like weeds! Here is a recap of the three years we've done so far.

2013

2012

2011

Wow! They look so different, and so much the same! It's amazing how much can change in a year!

Taking A Break

It's been nearly two months since my last post. I have so much to say, and yet, nothing at the same time. I've taken a break from life, from going out with friends, from defining myself by who I hang out with and the choices I feel obligated to make.

It feels good. It feels damn good.

Over the past couple of months, Dustin and I have done a lot with our relationship as a couple and as a family. We've made it a point to include our children in more of the conversations we have about our future, we ask their input and really consider their opinions and feelings. I have to remind myself children are people too, with good days and bad days, and with feelings that matter. They're not only students, but teachers as well. Each child has taught me how to better parent the next, how to be patient, loving, and kind. I constantly remind myself to be the mom I want them to have, the mom I want them to remember as they grow older and become parents themselves.

Recently, Dustin Jr. transitioned from a crib to a toddler bed. I fully expected it to be a rough road, he's very structured and doesn't react well to change. Luckily, it was Buzz Lightyear to the rescue, and he adores his new bed. As Dustin and I disassembled the crib, I caught myself feeling a wave of emotions I thought I had already conquered. That crib, which is still sitting in my garage, belonged first to Laila, second to Kenadi, and last to my son. I thought I was prepared for it, I had convinced myself that after nearly 8 years of staring at the same piece of furniture, it was time for it to go. Wrong. What I wasn't prepared for were the flashbacks. As I ran my hand along the railing and felt Laila's teeth marks from when we lived in the apartment in Michigan, the first tear of many fell down my cheek. When I spotted the formula stains Kenadi left on the base board of the crib from when we lived in our old house, a dozen more tears followed. Finally, as I changed the sheet on the mattress, I saw the streaks of black permanent marker my son had left one day, here in his bedroom in this very house, and I cried. Hard. Not for the loss of this crib, or my children's baby years, but for the end of that stage in our lives, and my time as a parent.

In addition to being handsome, my son has also become quite the artist! He has colored on nearly all my cream colored walls with an assortment of colored crayons! Rest assured, he's not the only child to have decorated my walls, my friend's daughter has also helped. I decided it was due time to clean up the walls with a fresh coat or two of paint. Saturday afternoon I cracked open the can, got my roller ready, and went to town! The first few walls had just a few markings, but once I made my way to the living room. I found a whole canvas of artwork. Looking back, I probably should have photographed it so I won't ever forget, but at the time I was in a hurry. I smiled to myself, (let's not try and kid anyone, I cried then, too) and thought of all the good times I've had in the years we've spent turning this house into a home. I've created such a relationship with my neighbor and friend, I've literally watched our kids grow up together. Our youngest kids have been born since our friendship began, and the kids have accomplished so many milestones together that painting over those memories from our children nearly broke my heart.

Good things are coming, new adventures await us, I can feel it in my bones. The stars are going to align and take us to a new, uncharted land. I have to believe it, or it will never come true. As long as I keep my chin up, my heart in the right place, and settle for nothing less than what I deserve, I will be unstoppable. My marriage will flourish, my children will grow and be successful and my life will be complete.

Until next time.

Gratitude Post 19

Today was another normal day, then something extraordinary happened. I received a message from my friend, Tony. We've been friends since high school, and known each other since elementary school. I affectionately refer to him as, "Ma unny!".

Gratitude Day 19: I'm grateful for long-term friendships.

I talked to Tony today for what felt like hours. Video chat on Facebook is the most amazing invention! To be able to see his face even though he's so far away, it warmed me from the inside out. I'm go glad we've been able to maintain a friendship though so many years have passed. There are thousands of miles in between us, and we've only been able to see each other twice in the last 10 years, but he still knows me, he gets me, and I know I'll never find another friend like him.

We sat by each other on the bus in elementary school, but didn't become close until high school. Our junior and senior year we were inseparable, we went to prom together, had sleep-overs, and told each other everything. Years have passed and we've both grown, we don't talk as much, but when we do, we pick up wherever we left off. I know when I go back home for a visit, there's a familiar face eager to see me. I look forward to many more years of friendship and laughter with him.

Gratitude Post 18

So I missed another day. Story of my life.

Gratitude Day 18: I'm grateful for photographs.

At least once a week, I find myself scrolling through old photos of my family. My sweet, innocent children. Watching them grow, frame by frame, and loving my ability to capture every important event. From a random afternoon to Christmas morning, and everything in between, I've got hundreds, thousands even, of photographs to remember every little last detail of my amazing life.

Technology has advanced so much, I love being able to print the photos I choose, edit and crop ones that didn't turn out just right, and delete anything that was a mistake. I can share the pictures with family and friends with just the click of a button. Knowing I'll have these images forever, despite any tragedies, it soothes my soul.

Laila 1 month

Laila 7 years

Kenadi 1 week

Kenadi 4 years

Dustin 1 week

Dustin 2 years

Gratitude Post 17

Finally, after the longest day I've had in ages, I'm sitting down to blog. Today's gratitude comes easy. My long day could have been hours longer if it weren't for the most amazing kitchen gadget ever!

Gratitude Day 17: I'm grateful for my KitchenAid Mixer.

Today, I had a really big order going out for my business, "Sweet Eats" by Joli. There was a family celebrating a Sweet 16 party, and I was blessed enough to be able to bake for them. The order was one of the biggest I've had so far: 8 dozen cake ball pops and 7 dozen cupcakes! Wow!! It took me 4 days to get it all finished, piping out the last of the icing this afternoon just before delivery! My amazing mixer whipped through those batches of cakes like nobody's business! Icing was done in just minutes! It was one of the best purchases I've ever made!

Gratitude Post 16

I'm now officially more than halfway through the month! My blessings are continuing with ease, and I love having something to post about each day.

Gratitude Day 16: I'm grateful for my dog.

I was very, very adamant about not getting a dog. We had a puppy a few years ago and it didn't work out, she was more than I could handle with 2 small kids, the last thing I wanted was a dog now that we have 3 small kids! One day, Dustin called me from work and told me an officer rescued a puppy from a car and brought her up to dispatch, and somehow, she managed to attach herself to him. It was right around the girls birthdays so I caved-what child doesn't want a sweet puppy for their birthday?

Now, nearly 18 months later, I love her to bits. Lylli was a fabulous addition to our family, she's growing right along 3 kids who love to have her. It's a wonderful feeling to see them be greeted by her when we come home. They care for her, making sure she has food and water, they pet her and love to play with her throughout the day.

I hope the kids have great memories of her when they remember their childhood, growing up with a household pet. I did, I had a dog for 14+ years and loved every minute of it. Deep down, I'm truly happy we have her.

Gratitude Post 15

Did I miss another day? Appears so. Darn it. Here's another double whammy.

Gratitude Day 15: I'm grateful for my washing machine.

There are days I literally watch the laundry pile up around me. 5 people in 1 house is no joke when it comes time to do the chores. That's 5 dishes to clean after each meal; 5 pair of shoes at the end of the day to line up by the door; and 5 outfits to wash when it's time for clean clothes. No one in our house wears pajamas more than one night, so add 5 pair of those in there too. In fact, I believe I blogged about this once before, it eventually got on my nerves so bad I had to create a schedule for washing clothes! There's not a single day that I don't have a load scheduled. To keep this home running smoothly, I just suck it up and push through. If I get behind a day, you better believe we all notice!

I know back in the day, washing machines didn't exist, and that just blows my mind. The scene from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" pops into my head, when Charlie's mom is washing laundry in those big nasty bins. Not my idea of a good time. And back then, families were huge! Tons of kids! Sounds nearly impossible to me! I may be too reliant on modern conveniences, but this is one things I truly appreciate!

Gratitude Post 14

Today I have so much to do I hardly know where to start. Yikes.

Gratitude Day 14: I'm grateful for coffee.

Every morning starts out the same. I'm tired, dragging ass out of bed, no matter what time I go to bed the night before. The kids know not to even talk to me until I've at least started the coffee pot, and if you don't want your head bit off, let me at least have a few sips first.

In high school, I could rely on a soda or a tea first thing in the morning, I was used to running on fumes then. You would think by now I wouldn't have such an issue with no sleep, but for some reason I can hardly function without my morning cup.

Ok, let's not kid ourselves. I need at least two cups every morning or you're at risk for losing your face.

For some reason, coffee any other time than the morning doesn't really do much for me. I can drink it until I'm ready for bed and fall asleep with ease, but when I need to wake up at 7am, it totally does the trick.

Gratitude Post 13

Yesterday was such a long day, I had every good intention of posting my gratitude, but let's face it, life got in the way. So, again, today I'll hammer out two for anybody out there who actually cares enough to read my mindless ramblings.

Gratitude Day 13: I'm grateful for my phone.

I'm sure this post sounds awful unintelligent, maybe even a little selfish, but I am truly grateful for my phone. With it, I'm able to take photos and capture moments while I'm on the go. I have the ability to talk to my husband throughout the day while he's at work no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I can choose to answer, or not answer, a phone call or text message just based on the number I see on the screen. Most of all, it allows me to keep in touch with those who don't live nearby. During the hard times, I'm only a phone call or text away. When there's good news, a photo message is the best way to hear about it. I love being able to share my life with friends and family, near and far, with the aid of my cell phone.