8 days, 1 month, 5 years

I remember being younger and waiting impatiently for certain events-Christmas, birthdays, summer break-and wondering how in the world time can pass so slowly. Now that I'm older, I wonder just the opposite, how on Earth can time just slip away?

My dad came to visit for 8 days, and though I thought my life would be turned up-side down, the time seemed to fly by. Between running Laila to and from school, taking care of the new baby, and keeping Kenadi occupied, it seems like we really didn't spend all that much time together. I expected to breathe a sigh of relief as he pulled away to head back to Las Vegas, but I felt sad, tired, and a bit lonely. His being here this past week has taught me something I think I always knew. We went to Chuck E. Cheese for Laila's birthday, and my dad offered to pay for lunch and tokens for the kids. I had planned on purchasing everything myself, but he insisted. I explained that I had the money set aside specifically for this, but he said he wanted to. That night, after Laila opened her birthday gifts and we had cake, I realized why he wanted to take care of our day out. I have always felt gratification when I do something special for Laila and I see her smile, it always brings a brightness to my heart I can't explain, but it's those things I do that she doesn't see that really make me proud. I know one day she'll understand, as I do now, that things are possible because of me. Chuck E. Cheese was possible that day because of my dad, and even though Laila doesn't know it, I am sure he felt proud.

Seeing my dad interact with my kids is always special to me. I don't have many pictures of my dad with me as a baby, so when I see him holding my son, reading to Laila, or doing puzzles with Kenadi, it makes me feel so great to know he did those same things with me. Seeing him now, as a parent instead of just a child, really opens up my eyes and gives me the inspiration to make it just one more day, to push myself for another smile, hug, or kiss. There's no better payment than that.

Sunday was a big day in the Smith house! It is so hard to believe my son is one month old already! He has already taught me a lot about who I am, and my abilities to love and grow. I never wanted a boy, but now that he's here, I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He has grown so much in the past month, I can't believe it has been that long already! He is doing so well with eating and sleeping, I feel like he's been a part of my life forever, and he's just arrived. Another month has vanished before my eyes in a blur of bottles, diapers, and sleepless nights, but it all seemed worth it when he finally smiled for the first time.

August 29 was Laila's fifth birthday. I am so very excited, and very sad. I can't believe my baby girl is not a baby anymore, but blossoming into a gorgeous little girl. She's in school full time and absolutely loving it. She's still adjusting to missing her friends and playdates, but she is making new friends and enjoys the alone time away from her brother and sister. For her birthday she wanted a purple cake. I tried my best, but it turned out more of a gray color, but the icing was purple and was exactly the way she wanted it. I am no cake decorator, but I tried my best and she loved it. We had a cake and a few gifts at home, and she really enjoyed the low key celebration. She's not big on attention, she clams up and gets very nervous, so having just family and a friend over was perfect for her. 

We are not ones to spoil our kids, but I like for them to have one large gift and a few smaller ones to open. She got a princess scooter and fell in love with it, the best part being she doesn't have to share it. She took it out for a test drive and all I could picture was her driving a car in 10 years. If five years has flashed before my eyes, another 10 will go just as quickly. She sure keeps me on my toes, she likes to stay busy and with her, the time seems to just speed past. She has been a great daughter and an amazing teacher. It seems as though the learning process has only just begun, not only for her, but for myself too. Each day brings new things, new struggles and new triumphs. I am just glad she's the one I get to experience them with first, I couldn't imagine things any different.

I Am Beautiful Too

The past 3 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Having my son has filled a void I never knew I had. He is one of the most precious gifts, and I don't want to miss a single second of it. I know one day, when he is grown, he will understand the love I have for him. Until then, kisses and hugs will have to do for now.

Dustin has been home for just over 3 weeks, which means he has been with me from the minute the baby was born until this afternoon, when he finally returned to work. Things have been a breeze; he has helped around the house, taken us out as a family, cooked, and helped take care of the kids. I told him he has been making me look bad, he makes it all look so easy. He admitted he could never do it as a full time job, and with me here to help with the kids while he folded clothes or ran to check the mail made things much easier. When he left today, I didn't cry, but I did feel like throwing myself a pity party. I became so dependent on him to help me with everything, I didn't even know where to start! I have done pretty decent for my first day alone, and further reinforcements arrive sometime tomorrow (my dad) so I should be just fine.

In addition to a wonderful, supportive husband, I have some pretty spectacular friends. A husband can only do so much, and there are things only a woman can fix. Not only did my friends cook meals for me and hold the baby every chance they got, they also hosted playdates and didn't forget to make me feel included. Everyone has been so understanding if I am late, tired, or grumpy-it's a great feeling.

Everything on the outside has been just picture perfect, but what about the inside? After having baby #3 I have felt a little more than undesireable to the eyes, if you know what I mean. I am pleased to say I can successfully wear jeans that fit, but a size bigger than before, and with my saggy, baggy stomach tucked inside. I knew what would happen if I had a baby, I took the risks and ended up with battle scars to prove it. This week I attended a playdate at a friend's house and couldn't believe my ears when someone told me I looked good, I chuckled and mentioned the awful sight my stomach has become, and how shot to hell my self-esteem is lately. How could anyone ever love what I had become, let alone find it attractive? Then, right before my eyes, I wittnessed something I will never forget. My friends gave me something irreplaceable, and completely priceless. One by one, these beautiful ladies that surrounded me lifted up their shirts and showed me their stomachs. I saw stretch marks, floppy skin, and scars. It was mind blowing, these girls are so pretty, I couldn't believe my eyes. I am not alone.

When I say these women are beautiful, I mean on the inside they are some of the sweetest people I've ever been lucky enough to call my friends, and on the outside, they are just stunning. Gorgeous. These women, these amazing women, have some of the best relationships I've ever seen. Husbands that love them, find them just absoultely perfect, and these relationships set such a fine example of love. I came home that day and as I recalled the afternoon for Dustin, I was in tears. He tells me all the time I'm beautiful, and it goes in one ear and out the other. He has to say that, he's my husband, and I'm his wife. I'm the mother of his children, he's required to think that. But the next time he told me, I believed it, thanks to my friends. Some lessons in life are meant to be learned the hard way, but this is a lesson I am glad I learned: I am beautiful, too.

100

This is post 100! I can't believe I've finally made it! This is the perfect post for Laila's first day of Kindergarden. I still find it hard to grip that my baby is growing up. For someone who never wanted kids, my life sure does revolve around them.

I packed my first school lunch yesterday, the first of many, I know. I wrote a note on her napkin and zipped her princess lunchbox with love. When I dropped Laila off at school, I waited with her until line-up, and watched as she went inside. She's so itty bitty, she's the 2nd smallest kid in her class! I was so nervous to leave her, I want more than anything for her to make friends, enjoy learning, and just have a great day. I held my tears until the door shut, then I lost my cool. I cried like a baby. I think I showed up 20 minutes early to pick her up, I could hardly wait to get my baby back home! She really enjoyed herself, and couldn't wait to go back today.

Today was a little easier, as I'm sure each day will be. She still had me walk her in, and wait with her until line-up, and she even turned around at the door to wave goodbye. She tells me she loves me as big as the world and misses me as big as the moon. What a sweet angel I have, I'm so proud to be her mom. This morning went much smoother, since we both had a better idea of what we were supposed to be doing. When I picked her up, she hugged me and told me she couldn't wait to go back again tomorrow! She didn't even make it to the car yet and she was already excited about tomorrow. That makes me so happy for her.

Laila brought home some cute coloring pages and things, but one thing really caught my eye. I read it aloud, and both Dustin and I were in tears after just the first few lines. It was so sweet and sad at the same time, I must have read it 20 times since she handed it to me...and yes, I cry every time. I am so proud, these are the moments I live for. I sure have something special for my life to revolve around.

Sea Life Aquarium

Last week was our last official week of "summer". After finally delivering Dustin Jr. and having the energy to go out, we wanted to make the best of it! Josie scored us some tickets to the new Sea Life Aquarium at the Arizona Mills Mall, and we decided to brave it and give it a go. I was a little nervous, but it went really well. There are over 30 exhibits, everything from starfish to sharks, stingrays to jellyfish, it really was a blast. Here are some photos to recap our trip.

This is Dustin fingering the sea anemone

Daddy helping Laila touch a starfish

This starfish was just hanging out on the side of a tank

You can't see it in this photo, but this fish had HUGE chompers

They looked like 2 big teeth, one on each side of it's mouth

Laila pointing to the sting ray that followed Kenadi for 10 minutes

A shark!

Laila checking out the sharks and sting rays

Laila posing by a big tank

The name's Bruce!

This baby seahorse attached itself to the bigger one and got a ride

It looked like brains...

  

That jellyfish was about the size of my palm

Laila and Kenadi in a tube in the center of a tank

We had a blast, the baby did fantastic, he slept almost the entire time. Laila had a wonderful time, she's been talking about it since, and can't wait to go back!

Thank You!

I have some of the most amazing family and friends, and I want to make sure they all know how appreciated they really are. Having a baby is obviously a big event, stressful and exciting, and with great support it has been a breeze!

My husband is the best support I could ever ask for, but a husband can only do so much. It was really fabulous to have someone else in the delivery room with me, a woman, a friend, a sister. I have struggled for a long time to let people in my life, and to have finally found someone I trust means a lot to me. I never question her motives or the fact that she's genuine. She has done so much for me, and I know it's because she wants to, not because she has to. It's good to have a real, true friend. It's been years.

The mom's group has turned out to be more than I could have imagined. Not only have my children made friends, so have I. I never expected to be so cared for and so loved, it's a great feeling. Mariela had arranged for an entire week's worth of meals to be delivered to our home, hot and fresh, right at dinner time. How amazing to be able to spend time with my family and not have to stress about cooking and straining to get things together. It has allowed Dustin to spend time with us and not have to cook, and we all have been able to sit down and eat as a family. Everything prepared was so delicious, we have not a single leftover in the house! I have even felt so great I was able to take the kids to a playdate, everyone's support has been just amazing. A simple "Thank You" is never going to be enough to let everyone know how appreciated they are, but we are very grateful to everyone.

Here's a photo collage of a few friends and our newest addition.

Spring Cleaning

You can't lose something you never had.

That doesn't mean your heart can't break over the failed anticipation..

An old elementary school friend posted on facebook the other night about a video tape she was watching from 13 years ago. I am in that video tape, I was there that night. So was my mom. 13 years ago my mom died, just a few months after that tape was made. She told me my mom was in that tape, and I would stop at nothing to get a copy of it. I sent her my address and my thank you's in advance, and offered to pay the shipping and duplication costs. I called my dad and messaged my sister. This was it, this was what I've been waiting years and years for. I have just a small handful of photos of my mom, no videos, no letters, cards, anything but a few personal items to remember her by, this was going to change my life forever. I'd be able to show my husband and my children how beautiful and strong my mom was, and I'd be able to cherish her forever.

The next morning I woke up to a message in my inbox, my heart was racing, I knew this was it! As I read the message, my heart fell to my feet and my stomach tied itself in knots. She's not on the tape. All my hopes had been smashed to pieces. The last hour of the tape had been recorded over. Maybe she was in that last hour, maybe she wasn't. I'll never know.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about her, that video tape, and myself. Would that really have been her on that tape, or just what I wanted her to be? 13 years is a long time, but my memories will never change. Yesterday, Dustin and I decided to do some "spring cleaning" and de-cluttering around the house. Our house isn't big and we can use all the space we can get. We went through at least 3 garbage bags just throwing out old junk and things we haven't used in a year or more. I started with the cabinets in the kitchen, organizing and pitching old tupperware, cups, pots and pans, etc.

I came across this mug, and I knew what it meant. She's with me, always, and no video tape or picture is going to change that. I have held onto things over the years, just because I couldn't bring myself to see them go. I have felt like by throwing away her things, I was throwing her away too, out of my life, and I wouldn't be able to remember. I will always remember. I went through my cabinets and pitched a stack of cups, bowls, plates, all sorts of things. Honestly, it felt good. I needed to cleanse my cabinets, and my life, of the things that have been weighing me down. I will never rid my life of my mother, material things are just that, material things. My life is what it is without her in it physically, but I know she is with me, and I know I make her proud.

What happened?

This morning, bright and early just after 6am, I woke up to feed my son. My son. Those words still sound foreign to me, but so natural at the same time. I look into his little eyes, I stare at his adorably tiny face, and I know deep down this was meant to be.

It's nearly 8am, I'm on my second cup of coffee and here we sit, my son and I, just staring at each other, trying to figure out who we are. What happened to the days when I could sleep till noon? Those are long past me, even hard to remember at times. I am far from a morning person, but lately, these mornings have gotten easier to handle, especially when you have a sweet face to wake up to.

Last night I was in bed before 11pm, and asleep shortly after. What happened to the nights I could be up until 4am, and still function without even a cup of coffee in the morning? Those days are a distant memory, now I cherish every minute I can spend with my eyes closed. I look forward to the possiblity of a nap in the afternoon with any of my kids, and spending the night in bed with my husband.

I spend my afternoons planning playdates and folding laundry, doing dishes and watching The Backyardigans, and I have not a care in the world. What happened to the days of shopping and spending time partying with my friends? Did they ever really exist? The things that make me happy are so different now, it causes me to wonder.

I have traded my flat iron and makeup for baby lotion and stretch marks. I have traded my 4 door compact car for an SUV, my expensive shampoos for whatever is on sale. I clip coupons and balance a checkbook. What happened to the dreams I once had?

They finally came true.

Myelomeningocele

Myelomeningocele.


The word that could have changed my life forever.


As perfect as my son may seem, he has a dimple in his lower back at the end of his spinal cord. The pediatrician was examining him and point out this "defect" to me, and I thought my world was coming to an end. Myelomeningocele is the proper term for the condition spina bifida. How could this have happened to my son, it most certainly must have been my fault. Myelomeningocele may affect as many as 1 out of every 800 infants, how could it have affected mine? After the scare with his heart, the low fluid levels, what else could possibly go wrong?

I decided researching it was not the best idea, I knew it would send me into a frenzy, so I allowed myself to think, rest, and pray. I looked on google for photos, just to see what to expect, and to my surprise, Dustin Jr's dimple was nothing like anything I found. I met with the pediatrician again to talk about it in further detail, and he helped to put my fears at ease. The dimple is closed inside, and the reactions he has in his legs and feet are a sure sign nothing is wrong. Aside from the dimple, the doctor said he sees no other reason to worry. At risk of embarrassing anyone, I explained Dustin Jr. may not be the only one with the dimple, and I was please to hear it might possibly be genetic.

We made our first trip to the family doctor this week for Dustin Jr's first check-up, and the doctor said there is nothing to do but wait. She said he's too small for an MRI, though it may be ordered as he grows a little. She also said, as the pediatrician did, he has great movement and feeling in his legs and feet, and she's sure he will be just fine.

So, he is perfect. Perfect to me and perfect for our family. After all, he is my son.

He's Finally Here!

Dustin Edward Smith Jr. has finally arrived. I know this post is a bit delayed, but I will start from the beginning and work my way up to date.

Monday, July 26, I had a routine doctor's appointment. The baby hadn't been moving in over 6 hours and I felt uncomfortable, and so did Dr. Warner. She sent me to the hospital, and since it was 1 day past my due date, she pulled a few strings and set up the beginning of a 2 part induction process to get things started for me. They did an ultrasound to check the baby's fluid levels, a non-stress test to check for movement, and inserted the first round of gels to soften my cervix.

Things felt like they were moving along nicely, the contractions hurt badly enough I couldn't talk through some, and I was starting to dialate. I went into the hospital dialated to 1cm, my cervix was thick and hard. The first round of gels started to thin me out and soften it up, so I was feeling positive. Unfortunately, the nurses there were pretty lax about getting things moving, and I waited around for quite some time before round 2 ever started.

By the time round 2 was over, and the news came I only dialated to 3cm, Dustin and I were ready to go home. He started gathering my things and told the nurse we were done, and we were leaving whether or not they gave us consent. They were kind enough to give me an ambien, and Dustin was sweet enough to grab me a burger from In-N-Out on the way home since I was starving after being in the hospital nearly 12 hours with nothing to eat.

Wednesday brought another ultrasound for me, this time at a women's clinic that deals strictly with ultrasounds and babies. The ultrasound tech said everything looked great, and best of all, measurements told Dustin would weigh no more than 8 pounds! How exciting! The doctor, though, thought things didn't look so perfect. I was sent immediately to the hospital across the street for an emergency induction, the fluid levels were extremly low and the baby needed to be born. I was terrified, to say the least.

They hooked me up with an iv of pitocin and penicillin and a granola bar. Lucky me. I was already contracting, though I couldn't feel it yet. Every 30 minutes the pitocin was increased, and my pain was out of control within just a few hours. By the time I was 4cm, the doctor broke my water and inserted a tube to add fluid around the baby since mine was so low. Once my water was broken, the games began. Dustin was "sunny side up", which was great fun once they tried turning him. I could hardly stand the pain of the contractions that were measuring nearly off the charts, and they were trying to rotate him by his head. I thought I was going to pass out. I asked for something to take the edge off, I was determined not to get the epidural. The stadoll just made me nauseas and tired, though it didn't seem to help the pain. By the time I was 6 1/2 cm, they turned him again, and my body was shaking so uncontrollably the nurse practically demanded I get the epidural, and by that point, I would have done just about anything.

All my dreams of a nice, smooth, drug free labor were gone out the window. Mariela showed up and brought her bag of tricks, as usual. She helped me calm down, rubbed my legs, and put some music on to help me relax. She had a camera ready and her video camera in the other hand, and thank goodness! Once I received the epidural things went as fast as lightning. I dialated to 10 +2 cm, and once Dustin Jr. was crowning, it only took 1 1/2 pushes and he was ready to meet the world. Dustin Sr. was able to touch his head before he came out, he likes to be the first one to touch the babies, and before Mariela could touch him, I had another contraction and that was it! No tears, no cuts, and a perfect baby boy. What a miracle.

He looked so much like Laila when she was born we had to laugh, the resemblance was outstanding. Of course, since Laila looks so much like her daddy, Dustin Jr. did too. Here are a couple of comparison pictures of Dustin Jr. and Laila at birth and one week old:

Dustin Jr. 12:46am July 29, 2010

Laila 6:58pm August 29, 2005

Dustin Jr. One week

Laila One week