Feeding the Ducks

It was gorgeous out, Dustin had the day off, and there was nothing to do. We stopped by Basha's, grabbed a 99 cent loaf of bread and took the girls to Cobblestone to feed the ducks. I had no idea I'd be in for the time of my life. These little girls are my heart and soul; 99 cents and one hour later, we were their heros.

Laila and Dustin did most of the feeding, I couldn't put my camera down! There were so many ducks, they even came up onto the sidewalk where we were sitting to enjoy a few pieces of bread. Kenadi, on the other hand, didn't bother getting down off the bench. She was enjoying the fluffy white bread just as much as those ducks. When her piece was gone, she was ready to go, and ready for a nap!

I think sometimes I forget about the little things in life, like feeding the ducks. I'm always so busy, cleaning this, washing that, shuffling Laila off to school, cooking meals, I don't take time out to just live, be, enjoy. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. No watches ticking, no phones ringing, nobody asking for this or that, just the quiet outdoors and my beautiful family. Who could ask for more than that? Call me selfish, but these are the moments I live for, and I will take my time enjoying them, soaking up the sunshine of their smiles.

Catch-up

Tuesday Laila had her very first dentist appointment! I am not sure which one of us was more nervous, her or me. Dustin, Laila, Kenadi and I all went to the dentist together. I left my camera at home, but it would have made no difference if I had brought it. I hyped up her trip to the dentist so much, she was super excited to go. The office is set up to look like a pirate ship, there's a pirate, toys, even a fish tank built right into the wall, and the whole place is painted to look like a ship and the water off the shore. Pretty neat. As soon as they called her name, I was sure she was going to ask me to go with her. Boy, was I wrong! She completely melted down, crying, shaking, and wanted ONLY her daddy. My heart was broken, smashed into a million tiny pieces. He carried her back there, kicking and screaming, and left me and Kenadi alone to wait. After about 35 minutes, they emerged from the back, Laila had a new tooth brush and a bright green diamond shaped ring, all smiles. Dustin, poor guy, looked like he had been through the ringer. He said she screamed and cried so hard, they had to do a "knee to knee" exam. He held Laila on his lap face to face, and sat knee to knee with the dentist. They leaned Laila backwards and he examined her teeth that way. Good news is, no cavaties! Her teeth and gums look great, and she nas nice spacing for when her adult teeth come in. He did say she grinds her front teeth a little at night, but nothing to be alarmed about since she doesn't complain about her mouth or head hurting. I'm so proud of my angel!

Another big thing that happened this week was the baby moved and I finally felt it! I was so pleased! I have had minimal doctor care (by choice) and waiting in between appointments to hear good news can be frustrating at times. I have heard the baby's heartbeat once, and won't even schedule my ultrasound until my next appointment on Monday. I have opted for no screening or testing to be done, and I chose the same things for Laila and Kenadi during those pregnancies as well. I like to let my body sort of lead the way, and when I finally felt the baby move, I was estatic! I have felt the baby a few other times too, and each time it makes me giggle. I am carrying super high this time, so I was surprised to feel the baby kicking so low, but as long as the baby is healthy, it can kick me anytime it wants. We are desperate to find out if this is a boy, or another girl. We have names picked out for both, I just need to get a head start on things if this happens, by some miracle, to be a boy. I have 2 girl bedrooms, boxes and boxes of girl clothes, and everything in between is pink and frilly. =) I'm definitally prepared if this is a girl, though!

Things otherwise have been decent, Dustin's had no overtime this pay period, so we've spend a lot of time at home, or doing cheap/free things around town, or even at home. February is always the worst month for us, but after the next month or two passes, things will be fine again. I'm growing at a rapid speed, and so are the girls. Healthy, happy, and gorgeous. My family is phenomenal, and I am blessed.

Lost

This morning I woke up feeling completely and utterly lost. I feel so out of place. I don't know who I am, what I want, why I'm here, and it's terrifying. I feel as though all my decisions are damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either way, I am the loser. I come out on the bottom, right were I started. If I take 1 step forward, I'm taking 2 steps back.

Don't get me wrong, from the outside, things couldn't look better. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than anything in this world. I have a new house, two cars (one of which is new), and the most beautiful kids ever. All my bills are paid, I don't have to work, and I even have a little extra for me. I have friends who support my every move, and family that loves me dearly and will stand by me no matter what. So...why do I feel this way?

Years ago, "anti-depressants" were non-existant. They exist now, I take them, and feel no relief. I feel some days as though there are bars on my windows, the doors are locked from the outside, and the key has been swallowed by a fairy that flew away just minutes before I walked up. I feel like someone has stolen my checkbook, bank cards, and my cash has been ran through a shredder.That same jerk has slashed my tires, called me names, and degraded me to the point where I feel totally, and completely worthless. I have no where to go, nothing to do, and no one to do anything with. I am a slave, chained to this house, these kids; these walls are closing in on me and I have no way out.

I've entertained the idea of a vacation, but first and formost, with this baby on the way, it's financially impossible. And secondly, I'm still "mom"on vacation. I still have diapers to change, fights to referree, and all the other duties of a mother, just in a stuffy hotel room with a lot less of the amenities I have at home. I've thought, maybe a trip to the spa would be nice. But that trip makes me realize just how far from "those pretty girls" I really am, and makes me feel like an imposter. I'm not sure where to go from here. I digress.

Am I as terrible as I feel for having these thoughts? Of course, I love my children, my husband, my life-it's beautiful. Don't ever, ever think for a second I'd trade it for anything, there's no amount of money, no other life to compare with the one I have. I just need to find myself. I am lost. If you find me, please, return me to my shell, my body...it's roaming around out there somewhere.

25 Things

So I found this note, something I have completed once before, but decided to do again. It's 25 random things about me. Just bored enough to fill it out.

1) I was named after my mom's parents, the first two letters of each of their names combined makes mine. Joseph + Lillian = Joli

2) I have been a bookworm ever since I can remember. Once, in elementary school, I even won an award for the most books read out of the entire school from Book It!

3) I cuss like a sailor, but have taught my kids it's a terrible thing to do. I'm such a hypocrite.

4) I still sleep with a stuffed animal. I've had it for over 15 years, and can probably count on one hand the number of times I've spent the night without it.

5) I hate feet.

6) I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, and have promised myself to this day to never, ever let another human being lay their hands on me without serious repercussion.

7) I always wanted to take dance classes when I was little, but never had the nerve to ask my parents.

8) I hate it here in AZ, but I feel more at home here than I have anywhere since I was a little kid.

9) There are days I wonder who the hell I am, and how on earth I ended up in this life. This was never supposed to be me.

10) I love seafood. It makes me terribly sick to eat it, but I just can't help myself.

11) I want to finish college, get some sort of degree, but I honestly have no idea what I would ever want to do with my life.

12) I truly, with all my heart and soul, think Riley's mom is a piece of trash and I wish she'd realize it before it's too late. She has made things so miserable for us, it's easier not to have her in our lives at all.

13) I am terrified of needles, shots, and getting my blood drawn. Yet I can sit through a tattoo with no problem.

14) I hate people that are fake, lie, and cheat. At some point in my life, I have been all 3 of those. No wonder I don't like myself.

15) I have, hands down, the 2 most beautiful little girls on the planet. I thank God for them every day. And baby #3, I can't wait to meet you, too.

16) I love to watch movies, but it's been years since I've stepped foot in a cinema. I think they're overpriced and a breeding dish for germs, germs, and more germs.

17) I discriminate against green skittles. I will sit down and eat a whole pack, and pick out the red and green ones. The red, I eat last. The green, those get fed to the garbage can.

18) I love a nice glass of wine, or a bottle of Miller Lite, but I rarely get drunk. I find it much more amusing to be the sober one.

19) I love listening to music, and I feel when I listen to music I know my mom liked, it brings us closer together. I never want to lose the memory of her.

20) I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. I will spend the rest of my life showing him I love him just the same.

21) I think my family has a very skewed vision of who I am, and I am hurt that no one will take the time to get to know me for who I am, not just consider me "my father's daughter".

22) One of our 2 cars will be paid off in less than a year. I will feel much closer to financial freedom once I no longer have that payment to make every month.

23) My favorite author is Jodi Picoult. I have read every one of her books, except for one. I hope someday to be able to meet her, and to tell her how her novels have been my escape through some of the toughest times in my life.

24) I am afraid of clowns, spiders, and the dentist. I also don't like being up high unless I'm secured in place.

25) I've realized, after filling this out, my life is not nearly as important as I thought. I hope this didn't put everyone to sleep.

Today

Today. Today, I went to the park. I had a blast! Just a couple friends and their kids, and obviously my own. Kenadi went down the slide head first and gave herself "slide-burn" (similar to rug-burn, but from the slide) and never even cried. She flew off the end of that slide head first so fast all we could do was stare. Thank goodness for her fearless ambition and her never ending seeking of approval, we all clapped and she got up, brushed the dirt off, and went on about her business. Laila is finally getting a grasp on the whole "pumping your legs" while you swing idea. It's only taken her a good year to follow my instructions. Maybe that's one of those things someone else's mom needs to teach her.

Today. Today, Kenadi got her first pair of flip-flops, and Laila realized that adults feelings can be hurt too. It was quite moving, once she realized she hurt her daddy inside, she cried like a baby. She was afraid he wasn't going to forgive her. The love that emits from that child is unreal.

Today. Today, I have never been more thankful for my husband, and his support for me and our family. There have been days, many, many days, when he has worked 16+ hours, tired from the night before, and never once complained. When the money wasn't there, he got a second full time job, and again, never complained. He drives a little compact car, yet I drive an suv. He takes lunches to save money, and hardly asks for a thing. He is one man with his priorities straight, and I thank God for him every day. Today, especially.

Today. Today, I let other's people's problems and feelings get under my skin. I felt hurt, discouraged, disappointed, and disgusted. I felt used, wasted, and on the verge of being taken advantage of. I tried to brush these feelings off, thinking maybe I was over-reacting, but my friends asked how I couldn't have felt this way. Today, I also felt strong. I am a good person, and damnit, I will put my family first. Come hell or high water, there is nothing I wont do for them. To feed them, clothe them, shelter them, and protect them. They are my responsibility, and I will not use someone else, and ever have them feel the way I felt today.

Today. Today, I leave you with this quote:

I am strong because I am weak.
I am beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a lover because I am a fighter.
I am fearless because I have been afraid.
I am wise because I have been foolish.
& I can laugh because I've known sadness.

Recipes

So, I may be a day late, but not a dollar short. I have been extremely sick, but I have done what I said I would do, and I have tried at least one new recipe a week. I just haven't blogged about them...

The first recipe I tried, I sent to work with Dustin for dinner. It was a pork chop with orange glaze, made from fresh oranges. Sounds delish, right? He said it was one of the most awful things he's ever eaten. I felt so terrible, I crumpled up the magazine page and tossed it right into the trash. That's one mistake -I mean, recpie- I'll never make again!

Today, I tried "Cashew Cookies". The peanut gallery (obviously, Dustin and Laila) gave it 3 1/2 stars out of 5. In the process of making them, I learned a few things about myself. Now, it's nothing astounding, but at least worth sharing.

1) I think cashews are nasty, and they taste and smell, to me, like bad fish. Therefor, I did not taste the finished cookie. However, if I do say so myself, the icing is divine. (No, I'm still not sure why the cashew cookie was iced, but I didn't write the recipe).

2) I absolutely love the smell of melted butter on the stovetop. So much, in fact, that I wish they made a candle with that scent. I'd love my home to smell like melted butter all the time.

3) I can set and change my microwave timer wearing an oven mitt. Yes, I'm pretty impressed myself.

So, now I have 4 dozen iced cashew cookies and a family that hardly eats sweets. Good thing there's a playdate tomorrow morning!

Bueller?

Today has been one of those days, you know the kind, where you think someone stretched the tunnel out another thousand feet and there is no light in sight...the kind of day when you think you might have finally made it over the highest hurdle, and once you get to the other side, you see one twice the size of the one you just accomplished...the kind of day where you feel like you can't win for losing.

I am an emotional wreck. I have nothing left of myself to give, yet I find people keep needing, and have no problem asking. How do I ever say no? I can't, so I find another direction to stretch myself, another piece of me to give. One day, I think I may just self combust, or finally crack under the pressure.

I have nothing else to say, really, except that I'm not sure I'm cut out for this life I have made for myself. I don't know how, day after day, I continue to do it. Maybe out there in cyberspace there is an answer.

Someone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Bueller?

I am the cheese.

2009 was not my best year, by far. It had many more downs than ups. I am not one to dwell on the past, but learn from it, and move on, and use what I know now to help me grow and become a better person. So, that's exactly what I have done. As a result, I have lost many "friends", but I have made some I know will last a lifetime. Quality, not quantity, is what counts. Thanks, 2009, for teaching me that lesson, even if it was the hard way.


I decided to start a mom's goup here in Maricopa last fall, this little city that finally opened a Wal*Mart and has no hosptial, giving the moms here something to look forward to, and helping our children make friends. Who would have thought I'd have been the one making friends. Some of these friends were toxic, and tried to damage the relationships and friendships I have, and some have turned out to be the best friends I have ever made.


These mean girls are people I cannot, and will not bring myself to be around, or my children. I questioned myself, had I made the right choice here? Standing up for the friends they did not like in turn granted me the same treatment, the name calling, the jokes behind my back, and the less time they wanted to spend with me. Now that 2010 is here, I thought, new beginnings, maybe some people have grown up, changed over the past few months. I even tried initiating contact, and all I got was the same thing I got before. Treated like garbage. So, if by doing the right thing, I am left alone, then I will stand alone. I am the cheese.

After careful consideration of my cell phone log, and my facebook page, I see that I am not the cheese. And, if I am, I am one damn good, expensive cheese. I have friends, and mighty good ones at that. They may not all live near me, they may not drive expensive cars or wear the finest clothes, but they are worth a million bucks in my book. When someone says, "If you need anything, let me know," everyone knows they hardly mean it. These friends of mine, they mean it. I have made calls at all hours of the night, crying, laughing, or just not wanting to be alone, and who do I find on my doorstep? The ones I stood up for, not the ones I had to stand up to. These are the friends who babysit as a favor, want to spend time with me, and not only when I'm drinking and being someone else to fit in.

2010, though I'm only a portion of the way into it, has proven me right. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, and I've never been one to give up very easily. So cheese, or no cheese, I will not stand alone. My friends are way too good to let that happen. I ♥ you, girls!

p.s. The picture posted is not meant to exclude anyone, but a recent picture I have of a few of us together. If you're not in it, it does not mean, by any means at all, that I don't love you just the same. =)

"Say Goodbye"

This is a paper I wrote in comp class, junior year of high school, and I vowed I'd never, ever touch it again. Now, nearly 10 years after writing it, as I re-read it, I feel now is as good a time as any to share it with you. Grab a tissue and please, read on.

     Waiting-that's what I remember most about that one awful night that changed my life forever. Waiting for the dreaded phone call that held my destiny. Late one cold, brisk December night, my sister Dawn and I awaited my father's call  in my chilly basement after what felt like days of madness between my family and I.

     There it was, the phone had finally began to ring after hours of anticipation. "Hello?" cracked out my terrified sister, "She might not make it through the night? But...but...I want to see her...," was all she could muster before bursting into deep, heavy sobs of pain. Faint mutters could be heard coming from the phone as she gripped it with her life, and the life of my mother. I sat and stared wide-eyed at my crying sister, unable to speak, move, or breathe. It was definite, the cancer had finally taken over my mother's body, there was nothing we could do. The woman who I had admired for her strengh had finally been defeated. I kept asking myself how this could be, I was only 13. This was never supposed to happen-it was just yesterday that I was having a talk with her about my latest crush, giggling like a schoolgirl over popcorn and a movie, and now that had all been ripped away from me like I never had it to begin with. Sitting there next to my sister, I didn't know what to do. I reached over and put my arms around her, but I just couldn't seem to get the awful thoughts of that night out of my head.

     "Mom? Mom! Breathe, Mom! Don! Get in here now!" screamed Mark, my eldest brother, across the hallway from my father, "Dawn-call 911" Those were the pitiful cries that awoke me as my brother shook my breathless mother.

     "What? What's happening?" shouted my tired and abruptly awakened father.

     "Get in here, NOW Call 911! Call 911!" was all I heard from my place on the couch, where I didn't even belong. My eyes widened as I watched my sister stumble across the hallway to the bedroom and fumble with the phone, desperately trying to manipulate her fingers to dial the number that was obviously needed.

     "Nevermind, Dawn. Cancel the ambulance and call Kim," ordered my dad, "I think we've got it under control."

     "Are you sure?" she asked, shakily.

     "Yeah, go ahead," stammered my dad.

     Moments later, which felt like the droned on for hours, our friendly neighbor and nurse had arrived to the aid of my mother. No sooner did Kim arrive, the problems started again.

     "Dawn-call 911! Joli-stay where you are-do not come down the hallway! Stay there!" commanded Kim.

     My mouth went dry and I could smell the fear drifting from the bedroom and down the hallway. I could hear faint mutters and groans seeping from the bedroom, but the rest of the house was as quiet as death. Suddenly, my sister bolted down the hallway, tears streaming down her face. She had told me it was time to go down to the basement, that the ambulance would be arriving any minute and I wasn't allowed to see my mother beign wheeled out on a medical stretcher. She tugged my arm frantically, and I lifelessly got up and walked with her to the basement door. My sister opened the door and escorted me down into the crisp, cool air of the lower level of my house. Minutes later, shouts were heard travelling from the living room through the hallway and into the bedroom, where my mom was in need of all the help she could get. Shouts of the paramedics were heard, followed by the clings and clangs of the stretcher as it was propelled down the hallway and out the front dor. Finally, my sister was called upstairs by my father, it was decided that my father and brother would ride along with the ambulance to reassure my mother, and my sister and I would stay home. My father would call us and let us know of her current condition as soon as it was established.

     There was nothing else we could do but wait. Wait for that final phone call that would tell us if our mother made it or not. It was then, in the hours of silence when I had realized that my biggest fear just might come true. I had feared so much, not of my mother's death, but that she would die without knowing how much I loved her. I was so scared that I might loose her and never get to say good-bye. I might never get another chance to hug her, kiss her, see her smile. To me, she was the most beautiful person I had ever came to know, and I was worried that she may never know exactly how I felt. I knew that somehow, someway, I had to show my sister that I loved her, too. I reached over and hugged her, adn we both sat and cried. We watched the clock on the stereo in neon green numbers as the minutes slowly passed.

     Thinking back on this at the time, and even today, I was absolutely terrified. At times, I still am. In a way, I am glad it happened to me, it taught me that one person's life can change in a heartbeat, that I take so many things for granted. I never did get the chance to se my mother smile again, but in my heart, she's always smiling. Even today, I try my  best to enjoy life more and more each moment, because I am breathing, I am alive. Every chance I get, I tell those I care about just how much they mean to me, and I have my mother to thank for that. Another lesson well learned.

RIP:
Bernadette Marie Konow
December 4, 1997

My Job

Laila is learning at school about her parents, and what they do for a living. They brought home papers on Tuesday with pictures they drew, and what they told "Miss Jen" they think their parents do for a living. I was so excited to see what she said, positive she said something spectacular about what her mommy and daddy do for a living. I couldn't wait to get home to see what she said, so as Laila strapped her seat belt on, I unzipped her backpack and peeked at the sacred paper and as I did, my heart just dropped. She told the teacher I stay home and I buy food, and her daddy works overtime.

Dustin's job is quite complex, and for a 4 year old who still doesn't understand 9-1-1, it's hard to explain her daddy is a 9-1-1 police dispatcher. But my job, she makes it sound so easy. I stay home and I buy food? I must admit, my heart was smashed into a million pieces. I feel as though my everyday life has been smashed and smushed to fit into this tiny nutshell and all it encompasses is staying home and buying food.

So we were asked to write for the class what, as parents, we do. I was stumped. How do you explain to a 4 year old everything you do in one day, and everything you do for them? When I say this, I don't just mean the basics, laundry, cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and picking up toys. Scheduling appointments, packing lunches, grocery shopping, making beds, and scheduling playdates are all part of being a mom, stay at home or not. Stating the obvious just isn't going to cut it.

I feel as though I have to defend myself, and I'm not sure to who. Every day I do my best to instill the best values and manners I can into both my children. Laila and Kenadi are my world, and I will stop at nothing to make sure their lives are the best they can be. My job has no days off, no holidays, no vacation days, no comp time, overtime is non existent, as I work 24/7. The pay is crappy, I am always last to get new things and the things I want are frequently just out of reach. I am so many things I can hardly list them all, but the reward is priceless. I do know, one day, when my beautiful girls have children of their own, they will understand. Until then, I will do my best to explain to them how great my love is for them, and the things I do each day for them.


I am not just a mother, but a nurse for their wounds, both inside and out. I know I can't heal every bump or scrape with a kiss and a hug, but I'll be damned if I wont try every time. I know the hurt will be harder to bandage as they get older, and I will do my best to find new ways to mask my own pain to help heal theirs. I am not just a mad woman at the grocery store with my list and coupons, but a chef with a minor in love and care. I cook, bake, and do what I can to make sure they eat healthy, whether they're at home or snacking in the car. I will show them some of my favorite recipes in high hopes they will make them on their own one day. I also know the day will come when I pack my first school lunch, and I'm sure I'll cry, but I'll be so proud when they open their lunch at school and smile when they find a note from me, telling me I love them. I am not just here to change diapers, but I am here to give a high-five the first time they pee on the potty.


I am not just anybody, I am mommy. With Dustin working midnights, I am the reason these girls sleep soundly at night. I am their alarm clock on school days, their chauffeur, and I will forever be their biggest fan. I am not just here to show them right from wrong at home, but to instill these rights in them so strong that they never waiver in a time of question.

There is no job application for being a mom, and the credit you receive is far from what you deserve...but for some reason you keep on. I'm not sure if what I need here is luck, experience, patience, or a million dollars, but I will persevere. Come hell or high water, I will persevere.