Me Time

Lately, there's been a serious lack of "me time". I know it, and eventually I'll find more time for me. Things have been busy, and this month seems like just the beginning of the busiest time of the year for us. Birthdays, holidays, trips and more. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I realize I haven't been blogging like my old self, the longer between posts, the harder it is to sit down with a clear head and just write. I've decided to revisit the old "journal jar" that I made for myself a few months ago, it's just sitting there, full of questions and topics waiting to probe my brain. I found another site with "30 Things" I'm going to add to the jar. I figured I'd just start with the first one and see where we end up.

I'm sure at some point I've told everyone "20 random facts about myself", so this time I'm prepared to dig dip...so...let her rip I guess.

1. In June, I visited my mom's grave for the first time in over 7 years. I was in tears before even finding her grave site, and it killed me to leave. I thought I had convinced myself she really wasn't "there", but seeing her name on the grave stone pulled my heart in a direction it's never been. Since leaving, I feel severe anxiety that I've left her behind.

2. I want to go back to school, but I'm nervous I won't be able to pass my classes. I feel it's important to finish my degree, I want to set the example for my kids how important education is, and I want to know I would be able to support them if anything ever happened to Dustin. The longer I wait, the harder it is. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

3. No matter how hard I try, no matter what pep talk I give myself, I can not empty the food catcher in the sink into my hand. I watched my mom do it day after day, cleaning the dishes, dumping the trap into her hand, and tossing it into the garbage. No way, it's just not going to happen.

4. I love books. I refuse to purchase a kindle because I love having an actual book in my hand. There's something about the weight of the book in my hands, the smell of the pages, it transports me to another world entirely. It's mine and I don't have to share.

5. I regularly talk in movie quotes or song lyrics. I can usually come up with something witty to say by quoting a movie, and I use music to express how I feel on a constant basis.

6. I see "1204" all the time. I see it on clocks, radios, receipts, envelopes, it doesn't matter. My sister and I send each other messages that say "12:04", she sees it as often as I do. December 4, (12/04) is my sister's birthday, and the day my mom died. We like to think it's our mom reminding us she's with us always.

7. I recorded an infomercial, "Neil Sedaka Presents The Teen Years". I watch it like a regular show, and I've seen it so many times I can sing each song in order without ever having to glance on the television.

8. "Grammar Police" is one of the best nicknames I've ever been given. I also love being referred to as "Mommy".

9. I love mob movies. Before meeting Dustin, I had seen bits and pieces of "The Godfather", but I can now say I'm a huge fan or "Casino", "The Departed", "Goodfellas", and "The Godfather". I've seen, and can quote, many others.

10. I feel like I'm an inadequate mother. I don't know that I'll ever be able to live up to the expectations I've set for myself. Once, someone I'm no longer friends with asked me why I became a mom, and accused me of not being good at it. It's stuck with me ever since and it haunts me daily. I wonder constantly if she was right.

11. I love the smell of laundry detergent and fabric softener. I can't make a trip to the store without walking down those aisles just to get a sniff of the aroma those bottles put off. Laundry is my favorite chore, I just hate folding everything once it's done.

12. I can't stand being touched. Especially by my kids. I know this sounds horrible, but it's true. I love hugs, kisses, and snuggles, but physically, I can't handle it. When they crawl on me or get too close, my anxiety rages through the roof, my heart beats fast, my hands start to sweat, and I feel like I'm being suffocated.

13. I've been on over a dozen different medications for my OCD/anxiety/depression, and I feel like a failure because I have yet to find one that makes me feel stable. Part of the time I wonder if it's my issues that prevent me from finding a pill that works.

14. Going on 10 years later, I still have nightmares of my ex-husband and the things he put me through. I have dreams so vivid, there are times I wake up in a panic and have issues leaving the house for days. I don't know that I'll ever forgive him, though I pray every night to put it behind me. I'm afraid one day, out of the blue, he'll show up on my doorstep.

15. In just a few days, I'm turning 28. Never, not even once, have I ever exercised my right to vote. I know there are plenty of people out there who can't, and that I should, but truthfully, I'm scared. I have enough trouble deciding on a coffee creamer flavor at the grocery store, how I can make such a monumental decision as to who I choose to run our country just makes my brain explode. I leave it up to the experts, and I know to keep my lips sealed should I ever be unhappy with the results.

16. I feel guilty every time I leave the kids. Whether it's a trip to the grocery store, or a cup of coffee with a friend, if I'm not home with them, I feel terrible. I understand they probably need a break from me just as badly as I need a break from them, but I still feel like it's my responsibility to be with them, from the moment they wake up in the morning until the moment their eyelids finally close at night. The thought of someone else taking care of them scares me to death. I have come a long way since Laila was born, when I just couldn't wait to get back to work.

17. My husband is the best friend I could have ever asked for, and I don't give him the credit he deserves. Too often I don't share my thoughts, feelings, or concerns with him for fear he will dislike what I have to say, only to find out later he supports my decision no matter what I choose. I now know there is no mountain too high for us to climb together. I wish I had allowed myself to learn this about him years ago, but I'm glad I know this now, we have the rest of our lives to enjoy the truths about each other.

18. "Do as I say, not as I do", is one of my favorite sayings. I do things I wouldn't dream of letting my kids-I pick my nose, burp loudly, and swear like a sailor. I pride myself on the behavior and manners of my children, I hope they thank me for it one day.

19. More than clowns, spiders, and even the dentist, I'm terrified of the glucagon pen. Should Laila's blood sugar ever drop so low she seizes or loses consciousness, I would have to administer glucagon, a hormone that helps the liver to release glucose into the blood stream, to bring her sugar up at a rapid speed. If this ever happens, she'll be entirely unaware, and I'm positive I'll never forget it.

20. When I love, I love big. Whether it's a friend, family member, or just something passionate about, you better believe I'm going to give it my all. If you need a favor, and you ask me, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I will stop at nothing to make sure those I love are safe, happy, and well taken care of, no matter what the sacrifice to myself.

Now that it has taken me 2 days to write this blog post, I feel relieved, though my anxiety has my heart pounding. This is a no-judgement zone, take it or leave it, this is my therapy.