Yesterday

Yesterday, I fell in love all over again.

Let me explain.

Dustin is still on midnights, and every other Sunday he works 6pm-2am, landing him in bed shortly before 3am. I had a doctor appointment scheduled at 10:45am in Chandler, and I needed gas beforehand. He woke up after just a few hours of sleep and filled my car with gas for me, and took me to my doctor appointment without even one complaint. Some days he's just too good to me.

At the doctor, I refused to even let her check me this time. I knew there would be no good news, other than the fact that I've gained no weight in the last month or so. I've put on the least amount of weight in this pregnancy out of all 3, just under 20 pounds. I had preeclampsia with Laila and gained over 30 pounds in water weight in just the last month, and Kenadi was so big I don't think there was much avoiding it. She did say, though, she is guessing high 8's low 9's, which is what I expected with Kenadi being 9lb 6.5oz, hopefully he's not as big as she was! We talked a bit about pain management, and I've opted to go drug free again as long as I can stand it, Kenadi's birth was amazing with no epidural, and I'd like to be awake and alert through Dustin's birth as well. We decided the only way I would do a c-section is emergency, or if the baby is over 10lb. which she mentioned, even then, is possible without. She will be out of town for the next week, so my appointment has been scheduled for July 15 (the day before my birthday), and she said she feels no concern waiting that long to see me again, she's certain I'll still be pregnant. Lucky me!

After my appointment, Dustin took the girls and I out to a delicious lunch at Olive Garden! The girls were a little less than well behaved, but they ate so good I couldn't really complain. This is where my heart melted, and I knew I made the best decision of my life when I married this man. Sitting in the parking lot before going inside, an elderly couple slowly walked to the door, and they were holding hands. It brought tears to my eyes, seeing love that has lasted. Before I mentioned anything, Dustin pointed them out to me and told me how sweet it was to see two people so old still care for each other. I want to be that one day, and I know he does too.

After a few more errands, we came home and took a nap, it was short, but it was sweet! Kenadi napped and Laila watched tv, and I couldn't stand keeping my eyes open anymore! We had dinner, and headed to Wal*Mart for a few things. Let me just tell you how much I hate that store, it smells, and it's always crowded. I did manage to snag some good deals though, and I found the second love of my life in the ice cream aisle (thanks, Mariela!!). 

I bought 3 containers of Dove Unconditional Chocolate, don't get me wrong, if they had more in stock, I would have bought them too! I picked up all they had and can't wait to open one tonight! On my way down the ice cream aisle, I found something I never knew existed, Blue Bunny now makes an ice cream sandwich that's worth every penny! It's a vanilla cookie on the outside and...wait for it...cake batter ice cream on the inside! Holy wow! Who knew? It ranks right up there with Dove, not that I ever need a break from chocolate, but if I did, this is a good way to get it. We all sampled them last night, and they were tasty to say the least.

Now, the countdowns begin. So many things to look forward to coming up, I can't possibly let this pregnancy get in the way! I might be a bit too old for this, but my birthday is in just 17 days, and I'm due in 26. The girls start school on August 2, and that's just the beginning! Birthdays for the kids are coming up, and a much awaited visit from my sister a few months from now! The second half of the year is always busy for us, so when July approaches and I wonder where the time went, I feel like I blink and it's January again! Time flies when you're having fun, and I plan to enjoy every minute of this life, having plenty of fun along the way.

Slippin' Away

Slippin' Away

Sum 41

I'm slippin' away

In every way

I can't stay (and I don't know why) awake

I'm slippin' (and I don't know why) away

I'm trying to make it through each day

I'm fallin apart now in every way

I'm findin' it harder to get by

Theres a hole in my heart

And, I dont know why

Now I've come to realize

I'm slippin' away

Today I feel exactly like this, like I'm slippin' away and no one is ever going to notice. Everyone is so preoccupied with the baby, the girls, whatever-but I'm on the back burner, always. I'm tired, exhausted even, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I seem to have forgotten my flashlight and I can't see a damn thing. The light inside me is slowly fading, I'm afraid one day it may just burn out all together. I feel absolutely lost, something is just missing and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I feel like there is a hole in my heart, a void that isn't filled, and I don't even know where to begin to fix it.

Oh Boy!

Today has been one of the most exhausting days of my life, and I barely did anything! I got up around 8:20am as usual, fed the girls breakfast, showered, and decided sitting around in a clean pair of pajamas wasn't going to cut it today. I loaded Kenadi up and went grocery shopping, why, I'm still not sure. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but it wore me out! I did pretty well with my grocery shopping though, my goal is to spend no more than $50 a week in groceries (I shop for 2 weeks at a time, so $100 is my goal to feed 4 people), this is for fresh meat, fruit, and any stocking I need to do for my pantry. I was armed with coupons and a sales ad, but I still went over by $30. I had a feeling that might happen, I took advantage of a few deals that only happen once in a blue moon, like Gatorade for $.49 (I bought 15), and I bought a few things for a party tomorrow night I wouldn't normally purchase. Still, I think I'm doing pretty well and I'm getting the hang of this coupon business! I saved over $85 on in-store savings, and another $20+ in coupons (thank heavens Fry's makes all manufactur coupons $1). I think Fry's prices are a bit high, but with the $.10 off per gallon fuel rewards I accumulate it's worth it considering Dustin fills up once every week and a half, every penny counts! I think back to the days when Laila was little, and I could blow through $200-250 every two weeks buying whatever we wanted and never think anything of it. It's wild what having a family and staying home will do to your budget! I'm missing out on a full time job's pay, but what I save in coupons and sales makes it all possible. I'll keep working, with family member #5 arriving soon, I've got to pinch more pennies!

After I brought all the groceries in the house and put them away, I was starving and tired. Dustin woke up just in time for lunch, so I made his lunch, made his dinner for work, fed the girls, started a load of laundry, and filled the dishwasher. Did I mention I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies, too? I figured if I just kept busy I'd keep from passing out, now, I'm almost regretting it. I saw Dustin off to work, made dinner and ate with the girls, and took them to Pacana Park for popsicles with friends. It's always nice to see everyone, but not to hear how tired I look all the time. Yes, I am tired, for crying out loud I'm raising 2 children full time and I'm growing another one inside of me! I think with one month to go I have every right to be tired, especially when at 8pm the thermostat in my car still reads over 100 degrees. I'm wiped out!

Speaking of being pregnant, does anyone know what today is? Yes, it's June 25, but it's also ONE MONTH away from my due date! I can't believe time has flown like it has, though I still feel like it's going to take forever to meet my son. The baby's room is all painted, I am going to wash the bedding this week, and finish decorating! I put a couple shelves up on the wall, we need to get the changing table painted and stocked up, and we'll be good to go! I have about a dozen packs of diapers stocked up to get me started, and plenty of clothes to last me until he's a year old! I feel like I'm missing something, I feel the need to buy things, but I can't think of anything else I need! I even purchased brand new bottles and let Kenadi throw out all her old ones. I'm just anxious, before I know it he'll be here and I'll be wondering what to do with myself, but until then, I'll continue to wonder what to do with myself, and just wait to meet him.

Horrible Mother

It's official. I'm a horrible mother.

Anniversary, Father's Day, and More

There are days that go by where I don't even entertain the thought of blogging, nothing exciting has gone on, and no one wants to read about our boring day to day life...then I get busy and forget all about it and I have to play catch-up again! This past week has been one of those weeks where everything happens all at once, so time to recap.

Friday was our anniversary, I can't believe we've been married for 4 years already! This August will be 6 years we've been together, and never one day have I ever regretted the decisions we've made. Dustin is an amazing husband and our life together is more than I ever could have dreamed of having. This year I did things a little differently, normally I buy Dustin some wonderful gift and surprise him first thing in the morning, but he just couldn't wait! I ordered him "Red Dead Redemption" offline and it arrived a week before our anniversary, and he just had to play it. I've been trying my hardest to save up for when the baby comes, so I had nothing to surprise him with, but he surprised me! One day I mentioned wanting the Soprano's Family Cookbook, I looked up a few recipes online and fell in love. When I opened my gift and that was inside, I couldn't believe it! How exciting! Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, the doorbell rang and there was a package sitting on our doorstep.

No way it could be for me! I opened it and found two new attachments for my Kitchen Aid mixer! I was stunned! One was a dough hook, and the other is a 5 in 1 grater/shredder! My poor husband, he must finally be fed up with shredding a block of mozzarella cheese for me every time I make pasta! The dough hook doesn't fit my mixer, it doesn't go deep enough into the bowl to actually mix anything, but it can easily be exchanged. The box says Kitchen Aid, Saint Joseph, MI. Just a cute little reminder of where we come from.

To make our anniversary the best day ever, Dustin's shift bid went really well! I have been praying for relief and peace of mind since I found out we were expecting another baby, and I finally think my prayers have been answered! Dustin has been on midnights since I can remember, working all night while we sleep, and sleeping all day while the kids and I try to keep cool, quiet, and entertained. Not as easy as it sounds! With a new baby due just weeks away, and both Kenadi and Laila starting school, I feared I'd never get sleep! Up all night with a new baby, up to cart two kids off to school, and somehow sleeping in the mix, it just didn't sound possible. Starting July 5, the new schedule takes effect, and it couldn't have worked out better! Saturday and Sunday, 2pm-2am, Monday and Tuesday 2pm-10pm, with Wednesday-Friday off! I couldn't believe it myself when I heard! Only 1 day out of the school week will Dustin be getting home later than 10:30pm, which means he'll be able to help at night and in the mornings with the kids, and they will all get to see him for a least a few hours a day! I am so happy, July 5 can't get here fast enough!

Saturday we made a trip to the splash pad to enjoy some fun in the sun! I was able to take the girls in the pool and really enjoy spending some time with them. Laila really loves the water, but I think she likes the food even more! Everyone always brings snacks and treats to share, and I caught this gorgeous photo of her falling in love with juicy watermelon. This isn't the first time she's ever had it, she asks for it every time we go to the store, so when someone broug it, she had to help herself to a few big slices. Our development doesn't have a pool or splash pad, so we don't get to go as often as we'd like, but when we do go, it's always a special treat for all of us.

Father's Day came and went, and we really didn't do anything special this year. Dustin worked on the baby's room some more, I think it's almost finally done! The colors look great, and I'm really happy with how well they match his bedding. I know Dustin likes it too. As I mentioned earlier, I've been trying to save money for the baby, so I didn't go overboard spending money on an extravagant gift for Dustin, and since our anniversary and Father's Day are literally 2 days apart, I normally buy 1 big gift. This year he got his game for our anniversary, and a new shirt for Father's Day. Normally, that would sound like a cheap gift, but the shirts he buys from Casual Male XL are $45-55 a piece! He picked a nice new black golf polo, and he just loves it, he's already worn it twice!

Since Dustin works weekends, we weren't able to celebrate our anniversary until last night, and the wait was well worth it! He took me to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory! It was delicious! I absolutely love that restaurant, but it's a bit out of our price range for a normal date night, so we took advantage of the special occasion! We started dinner off with some amazing stuffed mushrooms and the super crusty bread they bring to the table for you. We ordered our dinner and it was everything I hoped it would be, and more. I had the Thai Chicken in Peanut Sauce, it was so good after just a few bites I was full and had to have it boxed up to bring home! Dustin had the Kobe beef burger, and as usual, it didn't disappoint either. He even shared a bite with me, he's so sweet. Even though I thought I was going to burst, we still ordered a slice of cheesecake. I don't care for cheesecake, so I let Dustin pick, and he picked a real winner! White chocolate caramel macadamia nut cheesecake, wow, that's a mouthful! I had a couple bites, until it started to taste like cheesecake, then I gave up. We ended up bringing that home too! Surprisingly, it's still in the fridge! I think just getting away for a few hours was the best gift of all, we really enjoyed our time together without the kids. I hope he knows how much I enjoy his company, with or without the girls around. I love being with him, I adore being his wife. I am thankful every day for the life we have, the life we've made together, and I look forward to many more years to come.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

For some reason, I felt in a funk yesterday. I seem to get in a slump around this time of year, even though it starts the busy half for us. I don't know if I just feel sorry for myself or I'm just tired, but I've noticed this has happened before. Maybe it's just a bunch of little things that have added up, and I need to start working through them one by one.

My bank account is depressing me lately. Don't get the idea that I'm broke as a joke, I'm not, I pay my own bills and am counting the months until Dustin's car is paid off, but until then, I feel the stress of a baby that's not even here. I want so badly to take a vacation, even if it's just one night, to just get away and forget about everything, but I don't see that happening anytime in the next 10 years. We found a Disneyworld package booklet in our driveway the other afternoon, and Laila hasn't stopped talking about it since. Explaining to her how expensive a trip like that is, and that she'll most likely be 7 or 8 before we even consider going, it's hard. I want to give my children everything, but I feel some days like the bare minimum is hard to scrounge up. I never talk about my personal finances, but as a few people know, we had trouble with our taxes a few years ago when we lived in Vegas, and are still paying for it. The IRS has taken our entire tax return for 2009, which means this year we got nothing back, and STILL owe way more than I've ever had in my savings account at once. They were also so kind as to put a levy on our bank account and wipe it out the morning after Dustin's direct deposit came in, and left us with a negative balance, bounced checks, and fees coming out of our ears. We've finally managed to catch up, but I feel like all our hard work never pays off, 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Last night at dinner, we had sweet corn. Expensive, yellow, corn on the cob. Get my drift here? In Michigan, you get bi-color, cheap, home grown sweet corn that melts in your mouth. The butter drips down your chin, the smell of the corn fills the house, the napkins pile up at the edge of the table, and no one cares. It's summer, and everyone is getting sloppy right there with you. You might stop at the farmer's stand on your way home from work, or even snag some at the grocery store, you know it'll be good because it's all local and it's Michigan. Here, you pay 50 cents for an ear of yellow corn that's decent. Decent. I recall getting them 10 for a dollar at the vegetable stand around the corner from my old house growing up, and I have to wonder if things have really changed that much. It's amazing how something so simple as corn on the cob can bring back such a flood of memories, and a whole new set of questions. I miss my family, my friends, the 4 seasons, of course, but do I really miss it enough to move back to Michigan? It seems as though our 5 year plan has changed a bit, or maybe it has just started over.


I miss our families, and I know they miss us, but we have made the choice to move away, better ourselves, and do what we feel is right. I have never regretted moving away, but the relationships that have changed because of it are what make me sad. Since we moved, I have travelled to Michigan, Nevada, and California to see family. How many trips have our family made to see us? Not counting my dad, I can only say my sister has come to visit, and she managed it with two children, but no one else. I will not point fingers or name names, but there have been family members that have been in Phoenix and never even picked up a phone to let us know they were here. Should I really consider moving my life, my family, my everything back to Michigan for everyone else, when they can't even make the effort to call my children on their birthdays? I am tired of hearing how they miss the girls, they wish we lived closer, they would love to be a part of their lives and watch them grow, when it's apparent they really don't. I know this probably comes off harsh, but it's my pocketbook that's strained every time the mention of a visit comes about, not theirs.

Riley has a sister she's never met, and a brother arriving in a few weeks, and I wonder when she'll be able to meet him too. Kenadi's almost 2, and I'm not even sure they've told Riley about her. I have sent pictures, I've tried communicating, I've made phone calls, sent messages and e-mails, and nothing. I know this responsibility doesn't fall entirely on me, I am not even the parent in question here, but the step-parent that perhaps gives a little too much, or cares more than the others. When we lived in Michigan, we were very much a part of Riley's life, we would always abide by our court ordered visitation, and went above and beyond what was asked. I remember having Riley for a week at a time, still making sure we sent her home with clean clothes, extra diapers and formula, and never once filing for an abatement on our child support. I'm not asking for a nomination to become a martyr here, but to go from seeing her weekly to nothing is a low blow. As much of a strain to our finances it would be, we have offered to fly her out here, enroll her in private school, even finance a bigger car to fit her in if she were to come visit, and it's all been denied. This worries me, as I know if we were to move back to Michigan, it would go right back to the way things were before. We were a free babysitter, income to cover what the state doesn't, and someone to call when Riley needed something that a pack of cigarettes was more important than. I struggle with the thought of ever dealing with that again. She's almost 6 years old, I don't even know her anymore. I don't have the slightest clue what her favorite color is, what tv shows she likes to watch, or even what size clothes she wears. I just have to keep my chin up, knowing that I made the best decision for myself and my family.
Maybe one day we'll return to Michigan, maybe we wont. Only time will tell. I cannot let a single person influence the decisions we choose for our family, the good must outweigh the bad, I will never put my children in a state where they wont be provided for to the best of our ability, they will always have the best we can give them. They might not wear Abercrombie clothes or have the most expensive toys, but they are happy, clean, and healthy. The experiences they will have because of our decision to move are far more than any opportunity Saint Joseph, MI has to offer. In my book, that's worth putting ten thousand miles between myself and my family. I know the ones that matter are always with me, they're in my heart and soul.

Fuzzy Socks

Today, I woke up sick as can be. I was thinking the "morning sickness" phase of this pregnancy was over, boy, was I wrong! I have been sick since 6 am, and I think my stomach may have finally settled down enough for me to relax.

This morning I had plans to enjoy a nice breakfast at Cara's and pick up the stroller I posted about last night. Well, only part of that happened. I picked up the stroller, but I didn't enjoy a nice breakfast, but I spent 2 hours sick at her house while the girls played with her kids. She was kind enough to offer to keep Laila for a few hours so I could go home and rest, and rest is exactly what I planned to do! Between vomiting sessions, I did manage to get some sleep.

Dustin stayed home and took care of Kenadi this afternoon and let me get some rest, and Mariela picked Laila up for me from Cara's. She stopped and picked up lunch for Dustin and Kenadi to share, and came in here like a whirlwind! I have never seen one person clean so fast in my entire life! She cleaned EVERYTHING, the counters, stove, the floors even, and managed to mak the girls dinner and clean up from that too! I don't know how she does it, she's one amazing woman. There are not enough words to thank her for helping take care of things for me after Dustin left for work tonight, and she even took care of me. Mariela, if you're reading this, I can't thank you enough, you are phenomenal.

After Mariela left, I took a bath with the girls. I am willing to try anything at this point to relax and settle down. The bath was okay, I still feel a bit nauseated, but I'm keeping it down for now. As I was getting dressed, I found a pair of soft, fluffy, comfy, fuzzy socks in my drawer. I have never worn them, but they just looked so inviting, I had to try them on. Everyone needs a pair of fuzzy socks, right? Mariela bought them for me a few months ago, and I forgot they were there, but tonight seemed like the perfect time to slip into them and snuggle up on the couch. Now, my feet are warm and cozy, the girls are sound asleep, and I am ready for bed. My house is clean, and I am going to take a sleeping pill and pray for the best. Dustin should be home soon and tomorrow is a new day.

Thank you, everyone, who helped me out today!

42 days

Today, I ordered Dustin Jr.'s car seat! I am so excited, every day it seems more real that he will soon be arriving and in my arms. I have tried to convince myself I'm not counting down the days, but really, I am. According to my "due date", I have 42 days until he is scheduled to arrive. Now, I know this can mean absolutely nothing, but it's nice to have a ballpark range to know when I should be expecting him! Everything seems to be going right on track, and with my history, I'll be lucky if he makes it out before August.

My friend, Cara, just happens to have the stroller I've been drooling over since I found out about baby #3, and since her children are outgrowing it, she's going to sell it to me! I am so excited, it's a win-win situation! She gets it out of her garage and makes a few bucks, and I get a killer deal and the stroller I really want! It's a double stroller with seats that are turn able! I can turn either seat forward or backward at any time, and any car sat will fit in it!

The best part, it's red, which is unisex enough to push a boy and girl around at the same time. As long as I continue to put Kenadi in dresses and the baby in blue, I'm sure we'll have no problems. I was also able to find a car seat to match pretty closely to the colors of the stroller, which was equally exciting! I had planned on buying a car seat and double stroller combo in blue, but it would have totaled close to $300, way out of my league, but with gift cards and the deal Cara is giving me, I will spend no more than $100 out of pocket. It's unisex, comes with a base for my car, and has all great reviews. I just hope this lil man doesn't outgrow this seat as fast as Kenadi outgrew hers, I want to make this one last as long as I can!

One day, my prince will come. It may not be 42 days away, like the calendar says, but I know it'll be worth the wait!

Thoughts

I have so much on my mind lately, I can hardly sleep, I can't concentrate, half the time I'm not even sure if I'm coming or going, where or who I'm supposed to be. I apologize now, this post is going to be just a compilation of my thoughts, nothing spectacular, and nothing worth reading.

Last night, or early this morning, I was half asleep when I felt Dustin roll over next to me and place his hand on my side-a favorite hang out for our son. Instantly, the baby started rolling with the punches, and to my surprise, Dustin was talking to him. Had I been fully awake, I would have cried, but I was just so exhausted I just stayed still with my eyes closed. I didn't hear every word spoken, but I did hear Dustin quietly tell him how excited he is to meet him, and to settle down so mommy can get some sleep. Now, those same words bring tears to my eyes. There are days I'm sure I don't deserve him.

I had a pretty rough morning, with the lack of sleep from last night paired with Kenadi getting up before 8am-yes, every minute counts- I was a wreck trying to get the kids to behave. I was up with Kenadi for at least an hour before Laila got up, and I was so settled into my morning routine that I forgot to feed her breakfast. I felt like such a horrible mother, she got out the toaster, the toaster strudels, and even poured herself some juice, all while I sat back and watched. Part of me was screaming inside to get up and get her, rock her in my arms, and tell her how sorry I was I failed her yet again. Then, I decided to watch. She made an entire breakfast herself, and couldn't have been more proud! She is going to be a great mom someday, even if she swears now she doesn't want kids.

When I agreed to marry Dustin, I agreed to take on all his debt, all his problems, I agreed to stick it out through thick and thin, and that meant being a step-mother to children I may never see. It's a lot harder than some people think, it eats away at me daily, knowing there is a little girl out there with his last name that he doesn't even know anymore, and probably never will. The child support, well, it's no fun having to pay money for a child he doesn't see, but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. I wasn't there 10 years ago when he split from his ex-wife, so I don't know the details, but from my understanding, it was pretty rough. His daughter was born with a rare type of cancer, and he was only allowed to see her supervised, but with her being hospitalized hours away, that quickly came to an end. So, he moves on, she moves on, but really doesn't. She still lives with her parents, doesn't work, and in my opinion, collects child support as a form of punishment. That brings me to present day, today, in fact. My dad is in Michigan, and today, did me a favor. He drove to her house and asked to see her. As assumed, he was denied at the door, but he was able to confirm what I thought I already knew. I now know I have her correct address, and she's alive and living there, in that house. I feel one step closer to closure. I'm not sure I'll ever see her, but there have been new doors open. One day, I hope we all get closure.

Today, I broke my fake nails off. After I did that, I took a shower and looked in the mirror at myself, and it truly made me sad. I feel like somewhere along the way I have given up. I try new things, new hair styles, fake nails, makeup, and I feel fake, like a total impostor. I don't see what Dustin sees in me, I'm not skinny, pretty, stylish, I never have been and I never will be. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have tattoos, piercings, cellulite, and stretch marks. I can count on one hand the number of times I've brushed my hair after my daily shower in the last 3 months, and the number of times I've applied make-up is even fewer. I feel like a baby making machine, and that needs to change. I have gained weight and lost self-esteem, I haveI want, need, to feel good about myself or I will never feel good about anything else. I have some decisions to make once this baby arrives, and not a minute later. I want to be a woman who feels beautiful from the inside, and out. It's not going to be easy, but then again, nothing worth while ever is.

Shower

Saturday was my baby shower, and it was better than I ever could have expected! I sure have some pretty great friends, and I doubt I give them enough credit half the time. I honestly didn't even have to lift a finger. Mariela and Josie spent days preparing the food, games, and decorations for my wonderful day, and Elvira made the most adorable cake and cupcakes! Everything was delicious and turned out absolutely perfect!

The turn out was fantastic, a dozen people showed up! I couldn't believe it! We ate lots of food, played some fun games, and opened gifts. Mariela and Josie came up with some pretty silly ideas for games, though my favorite was seeing how big everyone thought my tummy was! There was not one person who guessed too small, and some had a good 6 inches left over at the end! Not exactly flattering, but funny! I guess I look as big as I feel!

I am so thankful for everyone's thoughtfulness, I received many wonderful gifts and advice! Diapers, wipes, clothes, blankets, and a bunch of things in between. I even got a few gift cards to go toward the baby's car seat! How exciting! Laila was kind enough to help me open my gifts, or rather, open them for me. That stinker can't stand anyone being in the spotlight but her. She did help clean up the mess though, so I can't complain!

Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves, I know I had a great time! My thanks go out to Mariela, Josie, Elvira, and everyone else who came and lended a helping hand at the last minute! It's great to know I have friends who care! I have only been in this city for 2 years, and the mom's group has been going for a year now, but some of these friendships will last a lifetime.

My sister, my angel

There are days when I feel like I have no one, nothing to cling to, and a past that's left me in shambles. I'm sure everyone can relate, we all have skeletons in our closet, the demons that haunt our dreams, but we also have the angels that live among us, put here to pull us back to reality and remind us who we are and why we're here. You may see them every day and never know it's them, you might not talk to them often or never give them a second glance, or maybe, just maybe, you're one of the lucky ones to realize you are blessed with someone special in your life.



Tonight, and many nights, I feel blessed to know that someone in my life. I'm not one to single anyone out, or pick favorites, but the memories I have of my sister, Dawn, have brought me through some of the toughest times of my life. Obviously, growing up together has brought us close, and though miles have kept us apart, her spirit stays with me. We don't talk every day, or even every week, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, a question answered, or just to hear a familiar voice reminding me to take a deep breath, and that I'm not alone, I know she's always there. Time and distance make no difference, she's always there.

There are many firsts I've experienced that she has shared with me, and even some firsts I was able to sneak my way into watching her experience, too. I remember so many things about my childhood: the first time I spent the night with her in her dorm room, the first time she ever sent me real mail, and the first time my heart was ever broken. The firsts of my adult life: graduating, moving, driving, she was there for every one of them. These are the things that bring a smile to my face when I need a pick-me-up, but it's the firsts we experienced together that make our bond so strong. Losing our mom together is always the first thing that comes to mind, it was the most tragic event I've ever lived through, and because of her, I'm still living through it. Having her by my side 13 years ago, and still today, makes it manageable. It never gets easier, just different, and without someone to talk to through all these years, I doubt I would be the person I am today. For this, I am forever grateful.



Some of the best firsts happened for both of us, just different times, and different places. Our first children were born 5 years apart, one boy, one girl. I am her son, Joshua's, Godmother, and I am proud to say she's Laila's Godmother too. Luckily, this is one first I got to watch her experience and take notes on to try to better myself. We have had some of the same teachers in school, thankfully, she got them before I did! She's been able to pave the road for me in many ways, but she still let me branch out on my own and experience everything for myself, even if it meant an unpleasant outcome. It's been great to have someone to talk to about my first time changing a diaper, failing an exam, and falling in love.


With the age gap (no, Dawn, I'll never tell!) between us, the things we've done and enjoyed together had to be age appropriate for the both of us. Not only did she take me to my first concert, but it was a first for the both of us, we saw Hansen! We've seen many bands for the first time together, and I remember them all with a smile. I can remember so many things we've tried cooking, baking, and eating together, songs we listened to, and new stores we've shopped in, all firsts, and always fun.I look back on those firsts fondly.

 We may share inside jokes, books, recipes, and advice, but we also share laughter, thoughts, and memories that will last us a lifetime. We are forever bonded, and to me, my sister will always be an angel walking next to me, even through the hardest times of my life. I've never been the type of person to say my thank you's, and I rarely ever say I'm sorry, but my pride wont get in the way of letting her know she means the world to me.


I love you, sis.

Even if you are a nerd! =)