Tomorrow is a very important day-the baby is due! I can't believe how fast and how slow this nine months has gone, it's been a roller coaster, that's for sure. Still, no sign he's ready to come out. So, in that case, bring on the crazies!!
I have had my fair share of strange people and strange questions this pregnancy, nothing like I've ever dealt with before. With the girls, no one ever just randomly touched my belly, thank goodness, but this pregnancy has been very different. Walking through Sam's club this past week with Dustin, an old lady passing out samples of garlic bread and pasta sauce called to me from literally a few aisles away. She begged me to come try her sample, (which I never even got to try) and when I approached her, I knew it was too late. She took her glove off and before I could say no asked me if she could rub my belly for good luck, she said she was going to bingo! She mentioned that the day before had been her birthday and she did pretty well, and she'd like to keep the winning streak going. How rubbing a stranger's belly is any help is beyond me, but I think if there's any truth to the matter, she should have shared her winnings. Too bad when I went back the next day I didn't see her.
I also went to Subway this past week and had the girl behind the counter look at me like I was the plague. She wouldn't even hand me my bag of sandwiches, she slid it across the counter and wouldn't take her eyes off my belly. I answered all her questions, telling her we're having a boy, his name-which she approved of, lucky me!!-and then she asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I had 2 other girls at home and this would just add another knotch to my belt, and she had the strangest reply: "Oh, wow, because you should be!" How do you answer something like that? I just thanked her and walked out.
This sure hasn't been my time to be pregnant. It's very, very hot in Arizona, obviously, and being pregnant and carrying an extra 20+ pounds of weight is no picnic-neither is grocery shopping. I was checking out at Fry's with a cart full of groceries and the larger woman with a fan in her hand sweating in line behind me looked me over and said, "I'd DIE if I had to be pregnant in this heat!" Wow, thanks lady, I appreciate your support for a healthy pregnancy. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I just smiled and went on about my way. Sure, the comebacks were running through my head, but I just don't see the point in being as rude to people as they are to you. It makes me feel bad and grouchy afterwards, so I just let it go. Lucky for her she's not pregnant, I don't think her husband would have wanted her to die, and with my track record of being overdue, she surely would have croaked by now.
Monday is my next doctor's appointment, she plans on stripping my membranes. Here's to hoping she doesn't get kicked in the face when she does. I can't wait to meet our son! Thanks, everyone, for the labor wishes, I will keep everyone updated!
July 24, 2010
July 20, 2010
Still No Baby
Today, I am 39 weeks 2 days pregnant, and showing no sign of meeting this baby anytime soon. My last doctor appointment was unnerving, to say the least. After checking the heartbeat, the doctor was concerned the baby may be breech because of how high she found his heartbeat. After checking, she confirmed he's head down, he's just not down where he needs to be. She checked my cervix and I have started dialating, I'm 1 centimeter, finally, something is better than nothing.
The problem still remains, he is very, very high. He's sitting under my ribs, it's hard to eat, breathe, even sleep. If he doesn't drop, we may have to check into other options. My ultimate goal is to have a natural, drug free labor and birth, I pray every day this will still be possible. I don't want another induction like I had with Laila, and the last thing I want is a c-section. Despite the pain and struggle I will endure to have a drug free labor, it's worth it to me to not have the epidural. I am scared I will have to be induced, I am going to beg the doctor to let me do this on my own, I'm trying everything I can think of.
I'm sitting here tonight, Kenadi's asleep on my lap, and I find it hard to believe she's not going to be the baby anymore. I struggled with the same thing when she was born, Laila grew up so fast when Kenadi was born, I hope Kenadi stays free spirited and care free. Laila and I were talking the other day and she told me she's going to help me as much as she can after school, she doesn't know what I'm going to do without her during the day though. It was so sweet, yet so sad. She's not even 5 years old and I'm afraid I lean on her too much, maybe I'm too hard on her, maybe I expect too much. Kenadi's found a baby she loves and carries around the house, feeding her, burping her, and shushing her when she cries. I love seeing her interact with the baby, and I can't wait for her to meet her little brother. But on second thought, he may just have to stay in there a little longer, I'm still enjoying my 2 baby girls.
The problem still remains, he is very, very high. He's sitting under my ribs, it's hard to eat, breathe, even sleep. If he doesn't drop, we may have to check into other options. My ultimate goal is to have a natural, drug free labor and birth, I pray every day this will still be possible. I don't want another induction like I had with Laila, and the last thing I want is a c-section. Despite the pain and struggle I will endure to have a drug free labor, it's worth it to me to not have the epidural. I am scared I will have to be induced, I am going to beg the doctor to let me do this on my own, I'm trying everything I can think of.
I'm sitting here tonight, Kenadi's asleep on my lap, and I find it hard to believe she's not going to be the baby anymore. I struggled with the same thing when she was born, Laila grew up so fast when Kenadi was born, I hope Kenadi stays free spirited and care free. Laila and I were talking the other day and she told me she's going to help me as much as she can after school, she doesn't know what I'm going to do without her during the day though. It was so sweet, yet so sad. She's not even 5 years old and I'm afraid I lean on her too much, maybe I'm too hard on her, maybe I expect too much. Kenadi's found a baby she loves and carries around the house, feeding her, burping her, and shushing her when she cries. I love seeing her interact with the baby, and I can't wait for her to meet her little brother. But on second thought, he may just have to stay in there a little longer, I'm still enjoying my 2 baby girls.
July 17, 2010
My Birthday
Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 26 years old, and I feel like an old geezer. I can barely get in and out of bed myself, I'm sore and hardly sleeping at night, and I spend most of my time on the couch praying for this baby to come!
The morning was just awful, Laila and Kenadi had their minds made up they were not going to listen to a thing I said, surprising, right? That's just par for the course, no big deal. Dustin slept in and got up around 10, I was up just after 8. I made lunch for everyone and cleaned up after I was finished. Between Dustin and I we cleaned the rest of the house and got most of the laundry finished as well.
They brought out dessert last, which I didn't think I even had room to taste, but then I realized the ice cream was Haagen Daz, now, who can pass up chocolate ice cream? They brought me a neat little pineapple slice with orange, lime, and a cherry on top. Dustin and I switched, he ate the healthy fruit, I ate the yummy ice cream! It was tasty, that's for sure! After dinner, I managed to walk to the car, and off to Walmart we went. We've been looking for a pool for the back yard for a while, and the one we finally decided we wanted has disappered offline, and off the shelves. Bummer. We'll figure something out, no hurry, considering I can't swim for a while anyway.
The morning was just awful, Laila and Kenadi had their minds made up they were not going to listen to a thing I said, surprising, right? That's just par for the course, no big deal. Dustin slept in and got up around 10, I was up just after 8. I made lunch for everyone and cleaned up after I was finished. Between Dustin and I we cleaned the rest of the house and got most of the laundry finished as well.
Mariela kept the girls so we could go out to dinner, at least the 2nd half of my day went better! We went to Benihana, it was delicious! I had a coupon for a birthday dinner up to $30, so I just ordered whatever I wanted! We started off with sushi, though I can't have anything raw, I had some crab meat sticks (4), and Dustin had a full order of crab spring rolls. We ordered our dinners and the food started coming! After our sushi we had a bowl of onion soup, followed with a salad topped with ginger dressing. Our food came out and it was so good I couldn't even take a picture before diving into it. I had shrimp, lobster, scallops and vegetables, Dustin had steak, chicken and vegetables. His steak was smothered in mushrooms, he even shared some with me!
They brought out dessert last, which I didn't think I even had room to taste, but then I realized the ice cream was Haagen Daz, now, who can pass up chocolate ice cream? They brought me a neat little pineapple slice with orange, lime, and a cherry on top. Dustin and I switched, he ate the healthy fruit, I ate the yummy ice cream! It was tasty, that's for sure! After dinner, I managed to walk to the car, and off to Walmart we went. We've been looking for a pool for the back yard for a while, and the one we finally decided we wanted has disappered offline, and off the shelves. Bummer. We'll figure something out, no hurry, considering I can't swim for a while anyway.We came home after picking up the girls and everyone was so tired it was bed time! I was hoping to start watching Nurse Jackie last night, I rented it from Netflix and I have the whole first season on DVD, but it'll have to wait until another day. After a crappy morning, it turned out to be a nice birthday after all. I just wish Dustin had more time off work this week, he worked 11 days in a row, over 30 hours of overtime in addition to his regular hours. He even got called in on his day off for 2 hours, at 4am. We were not happy campers about it, but what can you do? I am just glad we got to spend a little time together before our son finally decides to arrive. Any day now, or so they tell me.
July 12, 2010
Single Mom
I'm going to write about something, it's a touchy subject, I'm well aware, but I have strong feelings about my situation. This isn't meant to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, just getting it out there so I can feel better about being so bitter.
I want to clarify this post is about one person in particular, and everyone's situation is different. I give major, major props to single parents who have made good choices for themselves and their children. However, it's the selfish, lazy, irresponsible mothers out there who just don't give a damn about their child unless it benefits them that make me sick.
There are days when I feel like if I have to hear one of my children breathe, I might just go postal. Who do I call? Not my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, because I don't have one of those. I have a husband that works his ass off to provide for us and make sure I can raise our children to the best of my ability. I cannot live off the state, we do not get food stamps, free daycare, medical aid, or any other assistance. In addition to not getting those benefits, we also have to pay for our own. We pay our own mortage, buy our own food, and the mere thought of daycare is unheard of.
In my situation, there is child support as well. I am not, by any means, saying it is an unneccessary expense, so please don't get that impression. Dustin pays a fair amount of support each month, damn near close to the amount of our mortage payment. It's discouraging at times to see his paychecks wilt away before they even hit our bank account, knowing someone out there is living a nice, work-free lifestyle on his buck.
I have never put a limitation on being able to my kids, as in, you have to keep them for ___ many days if you want to see them at all. I can recall the very last time Laila spent the night away from me, and it was September 9, 2008, the night I went into the hospital to have Kenadi. That's nearly 2 years ago. Kenadi has never spent the night away from me, she's always been safely tucked in her own bed at home, or with Dustin and I if we were out of town, which is very, very rare. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to have someone keep the girls for a night or two, but how much can you really see them when they're asleep? Pick them up in the morning and drop them off at night, you're not doing any visiting when they're in bed. That, to me, is when I get my break.
Trust me, there are times I wish I had a check coming in to support my children every month, I wish I had free rent, a free car, free medical care, and plenty of people to take the girls as often as I wanted a break, for a week at a time. Then, I look around at what I do have, and I thank God for every opportunity I have had, and for guiding me in the decisions I have made for myself and my children. I think stability, caring, education and a clean, safe environment are essential for growth, and I know I provide those things for my girls. I will not let anyone tell me I am wrong, I do the best I know how, I put my children first, and I am damn proud of it. I will move mountains and go to hell on Earth for my kids, and that's more than I can say for some people.
I want to clarify this post is about one person in particular, and everyone's situation is different. I give major, major props to single parents who have made good choices for themselves and their children. However, it's the selfish, lazy, irresponsible mothers out there who just don't give a damn about their child unless it benefits them that make me sick.
There are days when I feel like if I have to hear one of my children breathe, I might just go postal. Who do I call? Not my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, because I don't have one of those. I have a husband that works his ass off to provide for us and make sure I can raise our children to the best of my ability. I cannot live off the state, we do not get food stamps, free daycare, medical aid, or any other assistance. In addition to not getting those benefits, we also have to pay for our own. We pay our own mortage, buy our own food, and the mere thought of daycare is unheard of.
In my situation, there is child support as well. I am not, by any means, saying it is an unneccessary expense, so please don't get that impression. Dustin pays a fair amount of support each month, damn near close to the amount of our mortage payment. It's discouraging at times to see his paychecks wilt away before they even hit our bank account, knowing someone out there is living a nice, work-free lifestyle on his buck.
I have never put a limitation on being able to my kids, as in, you have to keep them for ___ many days if you want to see them at all. I can recall the very last time Laila spent the night away from me, and it was September 9, 2008, the night I went into the hospital to have Kenadi. That's nearly 2 years ago. Kenadi has never spent the night away from me, she's always been safely tucked in her own bed at home, or with Dustin and I if we were out of town, which is very, very rare. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to have someone keep the girls for a night or two, but how much can you really see them when they're asleep? Pick them up in the morning and drop them off at night, you're not doing any visiting when they're in bed. That, to me, is when I get my break.
Trust me, there are times I wish I had a check coming in to support my children every month, I wish I had free rent, a free car, free medical care, and plenty of people to take the girls as often as I wanted a break, for a week at a time. Then, I look around at what I do have, and I thank God for every opportunity I have had, and for guiding me in the decisions I have made for myself and my children. I think stability, caring, education and a clean, safe environment are essential for growth, and I know I provide those things for my girls. I will not let anyone tell me I am wrong, I do the best I know how, I put my children first, and I am damn proud of it. I will move mountains and go to hell on Earth for my kids, and that's more than I can say for some people.
July 11, 2010
2 Weeks
Today marks the official countdown until we finally meet our son. I am 38 weeks pregnant, and ready to explode! I have been trying to stay as active as possible, but this last week I think I've officially become a couch potato. My sciatic nerve is raging out of control, much worse than my pregnancy with Laila, and it makes it hard to walk at times. I have been popping Tylenol like candy and feeling little to no relief. I just hope my doctor has plans of getting this baby out sooner rather than later. My next appointment is on Thursday, I was hoping to have the baby by then, but that seems highly doubftul.
Dustin and I have a date planned for my birthday on Friday night, and I can hardly wait! I am going to be such an old fart, I can't believe I'm turning 26 this week. I never wanted to have kids, all through high school I complained about them constantly at restaurants, malls, even family functions, and here I am pregnant with my third one. I decided once Laila was born I wanted to have four, but living in Michigan and having Riley on a regular basis, she counted as one of the four. Laila made two, Kenadi made three, and now Dustin Jr. makes the last and final addition to our family. I wanted to be finished having kids by 25, my goal has always been to enjoy them now, and still be young enough to enjoy my marriage now and later, once they are grown. When I found out my due date is 9 days after my birthday, I laughed and I cried, my goal is so close, yet so far away. Maybe I'll have the baby early, or maybe he'll follow suit and stick around past my due date, at this rate, he'll be an August baby.
Keep the thoughts and prayers coming our way, I'm hoping for another smooth drug-free labor and delivery, and a baby weighing in less than 10 pounds! I will keep everyone posted, and pictures will be up as soon as he gets here! I am ready to finally meet my son.
Dustin and I have a date planned for my birthday on Friday night, and I can hardly wait! I am going to be such an old fart, I can't believe I'm turning 26 this week. I never wanted to have kids, all through high school I complained about them constantly at restaurants, malls, even family functions, and here I am pregnant with my third one. I decided once Laila was born I wanted to have four, but living in Michigan and having Riley on a regular basis, she counted as one of the four. Laila made two, Kenadi made three, and now Dustin Jr. makes the last and final addition to our family. I wanted to be finished having kids by 25, my goal has always been to enjoy them now, and still be young enough to enjoy my marriage now and later, once they are grown. When I found out my due date is 9 days after my birthday, I laughed and I cried, my goal is so close, yet so far away. Maybe I'll have the baby early, or maybe he'll follow suit and stick around past my due date, at this rate, he'll be an August baby.
Keep the thoughts and prayers coming our way, I'm hoping for another smooth drug-free labor and delivery, and a baby weighing in less than 10 pounds! I will keep everyone posted, and pictures will be up as soon as he gets here! I am ready to finally meet my son.
July 07, 2010
Famous Dustin
Tonight, we went to dinner at Famous Dave's, never a disappointment! I "liked" them on Facebook and scored a free entree coupon up to $15 with purchase of another entree of equal or greater value, so we maximized our coupon and ordered some serious food! Dustin ordered ribs and brisket, I ordered pulled pork and chicken tenders, and we got the girls a rib each. The dinners came with 2 sides each, a piece of corn, and a cornbread muffin. Seriously, we ended up with 2 to-go boxes, enough food for our family to eat another entire dinner! Our bill, $23, my kind of dining!
Kenadi was a bit of a ham herself tonight! I have been buying corn on the cob whenever it's on sale, we all love it, but she's never shown too much interest. Tonight, she showed some interest! She ate almost my entire piece! Thank goodness she's got a sweet daddy to help her out, little miss dainty can't stand to get dirty! She ate so good tonight, I think she ate more than I did! She had half a rib, a piece of chicken, some chips, a piece of cornbread muffin, and a few fries. I couldn't believe it, I wonder where she puts it half the time!
Famous Daves has a cute little sink built into the wall to clean up after dinner, and Laila just had to wash her hands 3 different times. It was so cute, I couldn't resist a photo! She was able to wash her hands without me holding her up, turning on the faucet, or getting the paper towel when she was finished, so she was high rollin' tonight! She loves barbecue, and didn't hesitate to tell the waitress she was there for the ribs, it was adorable.
Kenadi was a bit of a ham herself tonight! I have been buying corn on the cob whenever it's on sale, we all love it, but she's never shown too much interest. Tonight, she showed some interest! She ate almost my entire piece! Thank goodness she's got a sweet daddy to help her out, little miss dainty can't stand to get dirty! She ate so good tonight, I think she ate more than I did! She had half a rib, a piece of chicken, some chips, a piece of cornbread muffin, and a few fries. I couldn't believe it, I wonder where she puts it half the time! After we were finished and Dustin paid, the waitress brought his card back and called him Famous Dustin, it was too cute. Surprisingly, I didn't have to be rolled out of the restaurant, but I did waddle my way to the car. We had such a nice time, I can't thank Dustin enough for taking such good care of us. Now, time to get the girls to bed and Dustin to nap, he has to be at work at 1am. What a great hubs I have.
July 06, 2010
37 weeks 2 days
I am 37 weeks 2 days pregnant, and I feel like I might just not make it any longer. No, I'm not going to have this baby anytime soon, but I might wilt away to nothing if I don't stop getting sick! I have spent another entire day worshiping the porcelain throne, not my my idea of a good time.
Thank goodness for the television, without it, I doubt I would have lasted through today! I rarely let the girls watch tv, maybe an hour at most per day on a good day, but I think it's been on all afternoon and evening. Dustin has to work from 2pm-2am, 4 extra hours on top of the 8 he was already scheduled, and I think I'm running out of steam. Thank goodness it's 8pm and the girls will be asleep before the end of the next hour.
One perk to being pregnant, I can't reach my feet anymore, so Friday I'm going to get one final pedi before baby arrives! I hope it's a good one, there's a new place I heard about and I plan on getting the works! I have been so worried about preparing for Dustin Jr. and taking care of last minute things for Laila and Kenadi, I have totally neglected taking care of myself. Thankfully, Laila has no issues with touching my feet for me, and she's doing her best to work on my heels right now as I type this. What a great kid.
My doctor is out of town this week and wont be back until Monday, but she's so booked up since she's only in the office twice a week that I have to wait until next Thursday to hear whether or not I've made any progress. I'm considering not even having her check, I would hate to hear bad news, and I refuse to get my hopes up even if I get good news. I walked around 3cm dialated with Laila for nearly a month and ended up getting induced 3 days after my "due date". Kenadi was born 5 days after my "due date" with her, so I'm just praying I'm home in time for the girls first day of school on August 2. I can't believe Laila is starting kindergarten. I'm going to be a mess, I just know it.
Tonight Kenadi did one of the cutest things. When she goes to bed at night or for a nap, we call it "mi-mi", thanks to Mariela. It's been that for months, and we all think it's cute. Kenadi was reading a book about opposites and she found a dog asleep and a dog awake, so she brought me the book and showed me the sleeping dog and said "mi-mi mommy!!" It was so sweet, I tried smooching her face right off. Laila and I clapped for her and congratulated her on making the connection. Now, if only she'd start talking more we'd really be in business! Preschool, here we come!
Thank goodness for the television, without it, I doubt I would have lasted through today! I rarely let the girls watch tv, maybe an hour at most per day on a good day, but I think it's been on all afternoon and evening. Dustin has to work from 2pm-2am, 4 extra hours on top of the 8 he was already scheduled, and I think I'm running out of steam. Thank goodness it's 8pm and the girls will be asleep before the end of the next hour.
One perk to being pregnant, I can't reach my feet anymore, so Friday I'm going to get one final pedi before baby arrives! I hope it's a good one, there's a new place I heard about and I plan on getting the works! I have been so worried about preparing for Dustin Jr. and taking care of last minute things for Laila and Kenadi, I have totally neglected taking care of myself. Thankfully, Laila has no issues with touching my feet for me, and she's doing her best to work on my heels right now as I type this. What a great kid.
My doctor is out of town this week and wont be back until Monday, but she's so booked up since she's only in the office twice a week that I have to wait until next Thursday to hear whether or not I've made any progress. I'm considering not even having her check, I would hate to hear bad news, and I refuse to get my hopes up even if I get good news. I walked around 3cm dialated with Laila for nearly a month and ended up getting induced 3 days after my "due date". Kenadi was born 5 days after my "due date" with her, so I'm just praying I'm home in time for the girls first day of school on August 2. I can't believe Laila is starting kindergarten. I'm going to be a mess, I just know it.
Tonight Kenadi did one of the cutest things. When she goes to bed at night or for a nap, we call it "mi-mi", thanks to Mariela. It's been that for months, and we all think it's cute. Kenadi was reading a book about opposites and she found a dog asleep and a dog awake, so she brought me the book and showed me the sleeping dog and said "mi-mi mommy!!" It was so sweet, I tried smooching her face right off. Laila and I clapped for her and congratulated her on making the connection. Now, if only she'd start talking more we'd really be in business! Preschool, here we come!
July 04, 2010
Happy 4th of July!
I hope everyone enjoys the holiday today!
Quick run to Wal*Mart this morning!
Say "Cheese!"
Work that outfit, lil Mama!
Gangsta!
Holla!
July 03, 2010
Dreams
Lately, I have been experiencing some of the strangest dreams, and I can only hope they stop soon. I have a hard enough time sleeping without some of the odd thoughts haunting me at night. If I'm lucky enough to sneak a nap in during the afternoon, they are almost always riddled with horrible nightmares, and yesterday was no exception.
My back and legs have been hurting so bad lately, even Tylenol brings me no relief, so when I found a comfortable spot in bed yesterday afternoon, I wasn't moving unless the house was burning down, and even then it would have been iffy. I managed to catch about 20 minutes of sleep, and had one of the strangest dreams ever. Dustin, the girls, and I were going to eat dinner at an old family friend's house, and on the way there, my front teeth were grinding together. I pulled down the visor to take a peek, and to my horror my front teeth were huge, about 2 inches long, and curled inward. They were so big and disgusting, I could hardly look at them, and when I did, the unimaginable happened. They were rotten at the gums and falling out, and as I reached up to touch them, two of them fell out in my hands. I promised Dustin I would call the dentist first thing in the morning, but I had no idea how I was going to eat and disguise this disaster in my mouth. I woke up before I even got out of the car in my dream, but the images haven't left my mind since. Maybe that's part of what prompted my dream from last night.
My mom was beautiful, in my opinion, and not a soul will ever be able to convince me otherwise. The only problem, her teeth. I remember her front teeth being long, and sticking out enough that when she closed her mouth and smiled you could see them a tiny bit. I know she refused to go to the dentist, and to me that was just the way it was, and it never bothered me a bit. I remember at the very end, when my mom was extremely sick and in the hospital for the last time, that a few of them fell out. Maybe that's why I had that dream yesterday afternoon, I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and those thoughts continued into my dream last night. It was unusual and strange, and I'm still boggled by what it means. It started off with Dustin and I on a plane that was rocking back and forth in the middle of a corn field. The inside felt more like a bus or the light rail, people were standing up and the seats were all along the walls instead of in rows. I overheard someone say we were stranded in Nebraska, and I knew that just couldn't be right. Somehow, we got moving again and when I looked out the window, I was in front of my old childhood home moving in slow motion, and my mom was pulling into the driveway. She was driving my first car, the blue '92 Toyota Corolla my dad bought for her after the station wagon bit the dust. I saw her pulling in and was beyond thrilled, she'd get to meet Dustin and I'd get to see her. I don't know where she had been, it seemed like she was just gone for a while, and I practically shoved Dustin out the door. Somehow, he managed to be sitting at the kitchen table when I finally made it through the door. In the garage, I stopped my mom, and looked at her face, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her skin was perfect, her hair and makeup were done, and her teeth were fixed, perfectly straight and white. I touched her cheek and told her how gorgeous she was, and she just looked at me and turned away, like she was ashamed. In the house I wanted to fill her in on my life since her, I told her I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and this was the man I love, the man I will spend my life with. She told him as long as he was a good eater, and he took care of me, she knew I'd be fine.
In my mind then, I knew she'd never meet Dustin, or my children, but I was OK with that. I never got to ask her any questions, or even hear her voice, but something felt exact. It was like we time traveled back for a moment, I'm not sure where she came from, but the moment was indescribable. It didn't even look like her, in my dream, but it was her, I know it. Maybe this is a step toward closure, a step in the right direction. A small step for man-kind, but a big step for me.
My back and legs have been hurting so bad lately, even Tylenol brings me no relief, so when I found a comfortable spot in bed yesterday afternoon, I wasn't moving unless the house was burning down, and even then it would have been iffy. I managed to catch about 20 minutes of sleep, and had one of the strangest dreams ever. Dustin, the girls, and I were going to eat dinner at an old family friend's house, and on the way there, my front teeth were grinding together. I pulled down the visor to take a peek, and to my horror my front teeth were huge, about 2 inches long, and curled inward. They were so big and disgusting, I could hardly look at them, and when I did, the unimaginable happened. They were rotten at the gums and falling out, and as I reached up to touch them, two of them fell out in my hands. I promised Dustin I would call the dentist first thing in the morning, but I had no idea how I was going to eat and disguise this disaster in my mouth. I woke up before I even got out of the car in my dream, but the images haven't left my mind since. Maybe that's part of what prompted my dream from last night.
My mom was beautiful, in my opinion, and not a soul will ever be able to convince me otherwise. The only problem, her teeth. I remember her front teeth being long, and sticking out enough that when she closed her mouth and smiled you could see them a tiny bit. I know she refused to go to the dentist, and to me that was just the way it was, and it never bothered me a bit. I remember at the very end, when my mom was extremely sick and in the hospital for the last time, that a few of them fell out. Maybe that's why I had that dream yesterday afternoon, I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and those thoughts continued into my dream last night. It was unusual and strange, and I'm still boggled by what it means. It started off with Dustin and I on a plane that was rocking back and forth in the middle of a corn field. The inside felt more like a bus or the light rail, people were standing up and the seats were all along the walls instead of in rows. I overheard someone say we were stranded in Nebraska, and I knew that just couldn't be right. Somehow, we got moving again and when I looked out the window, I was in front of my old childhood home moving in slow motion, and my mom was pulling into the driveway. She was driving my first car, the blue '92 Toyota Corolla my dad bought for her after the station wagon bit the dust. I saw her pulling in and was beyond thrilled, she'd get to meet Dustin and I'd get to see her. I don't know where she had been, it seemed like she was just gone for a while, and I practically shoved Dustin out the door. Somehow, he managed to be sitting at the kitchen table when I finally made it through the door. In the garage, I stopped my mom, and looked at her face, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her skin was perfect, her hair and makeup were done, and her teeth were fixed, perfectly straight and white. I touched her cheek and told her how gorgeous she was, and she just looked at me and turned away, like she was ashamed. In the house I wanted to fill her in on my life since her, I told her I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and this was the man I love, the man I will spend my life with. She told him as long as he was a good eater, and he took care of me, she knew I'd be fine.
In my mind then, I knew she'd never meet Dustin, or my children, but I was OK with that. I never got to ask her any questions, or even hear her voice, but something felt exact. It was like we time traveled back for a moment, I'm not sure where she came from, but the moment was indescribable. It didn't even look like her, in my dream, but it was her, I know it. Maybe this is a step toward closure, a step in the right direction. A small step for man-kind, but a big step for me.
July 01, 2010
Sick
Last night Dustin started feeling sick around 10pm, and from then on it just got worse. He turned his video game off around 11pm and decided to lay down for bed, normal time for me, about 3 hours early for him. Within just a few minutes he was up and in the bathroom, and I was up waiting outside the door with a wet towel and a bottle of water. I knew it was going to be a long night, and sometimes I wonder which is harder, taking care of a child, or your husband. Seeing him sick breaks my heart, he's my hero. Seeing him weak and helpless made me feel weak and helpless, and ultimately sad.
After not even being able to keep down a sip of gatorade, I think we've made some progress. The trips to the bathroom have slowed and Dustin was able to catch a few zzz's. I know I was awake on and off until nearly 5:30am, which means he was up until then, and all the time in between. The girls woke me this morning around 8am, and I've been running on fumes since. I have been trying to keep busy and keep in motion, I have washed dishes, done 2 loads of laundry, made breakfast and lunch, and visited with a friend. Now, I am babysitting for about a half hour and hoping Kenadi stays down for her nap long enough that I can sqeeze a few minutes of sleep in myself. Dustin has called in for tonight, and I told him to rest now, he needs it. He is concerned about losing a day off after the baby arrives, but I'd rather him be well and have to go back to work a day early than be seriously ill and not be able to help care for me, the baby, and the girls once I do deliver. Keep your fingers crossed that we all make it through the day!
After not even being able to keep down a sip of gatorade, I think we've made some progress. The trips to the bathroom have slowed and Dustin was able to catch a few zzz's. I know I was awake on and off until nearly 5:30am, which means he was up until then, and all the time in between. The girls woke me this morning around 8am, and I've been running on fumes since. I have been trying to keep busy and keep in motion, I have washed dishes, done 2 loads of laundry, made breakfast and lunch, and visited with a friend. Now, I am babysitting for about a half hour and hoping Kenadi stays down for her nap long enough that I can sqeeze a few minutes of sleep in myself. Dustin has called in for tonight, and I told him to rest now, he needs it. He is concerned about losing a day off after the baby arrives, but I'd rather him be well and have to go back to work a day early than be seriously ill and not be able to help care for me, the baby, and the girls once I do deliver. Keep your fingers crossed that we all make it through the day!
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