Nessa

I've been pondering this post for over a week now, I want it to be just right. I don't know where to begin, how to end it, or what to say in between. I even contemplated keeping the visit to myself, holding the memories close to my heart and not sharing them with another soul, as long as I live. Deciding that wouldn't be fair, I'm going to give it my best shot. Here I go, so wish me luck.

Moving to Las Vegas was an adventure I'll never forget. Packing up my life and leaving my home behind, I've never been more scared. No friends, an apartment I'd never seen, a job that wasn't guaranteed, and a little money left to our name, I had no idea how we were going to make it. As soon as Dustin found a job, we needed a babysitter. Talk about head-spinning, nerve wracking, nail biting work-finding someone to care for your child, someone you've never met, yet trust your life with, it seemed impossible. My brother, Mark, introduced me to craigslist, and in such a large city, it seemed like the possibilities were endless. Live in nanny's, daycare, stay at home mom's, I had so many choices, how would I ever find the right one?

After interviewing Nessa, something in my gut told me I hit the jackpot. A little girl Laila's age to play with, a little boy, a mom and dad, and another baby on the way, this was magical. Laila loved going over to Nessa's house, even gave me a hard time about leaving! What was supposed to be just a few minimal hours a week turned into afternoon errands, date nights, and trust I never dreamed of finding.

The entire year I lived in Vegas, I didn't think twice to ask Nessa to hang out. I assumed I was the kind of person she wasn't interested in hanging out with, she didn't seem up to socializing, and I didn't want to embarrass myself by trying to make friends. She seemed to have a perfect life-she was a stay at home mom, she had 2 beautiful children and another one on the way, a man that worked hard for her and she seemed so happy. Everything she had, I always wanted. Little did I know as jealous of her life as I was, she was feeling the same things about me. I had no idea what went on behind closed doors, and in the years since I moved away, I have learned more about Nessa, our friendship, and myself.

There are things you go through in life that you would never wish up on anyone, even your worst enemy. If you persevere through the hard times, the good times seem so much better. It's when you find someone who has been through the same things you have, and persevered, that your bond intensifies and you feel a closeness you never knew existed. Nessa and I share that bond, one that has left us scarred and in a position to feel weak, vulnerable, and nervous at any given moment-but one that has also left us proud, strong, and independent. It has taken years for us to realize what we have found in each other, but I'm glad we have.

Last week when our family went to Las Vegas, we had the opportunity to meet up with Nessa again. Though it's been a long time, it felt as though it was just days ago that she was my babysitter and I was dropping off Laila at her house. She has since moved on, married an amazing man, and had more gorgeous children I was finally able to smooch in person. Knowing where she's been, and seeing where she is now, made my heart swell. She is doing fabulous, and seeing her happy made me happy. No one should have to work for another's love, it should come naturally, and in abundance. The dynamic of Nessa's marriage speaks volumes about her new found self respect, and her compassionate character. She has put her children first, made her family a priority, and let love fill in the blanks. Watching our kids play together was so bittersweet, knowing they could be so close, but we live so far away, was a feeling I never thought I'd have. My heart was breaking, and glowing at the same time. The conversation flowed easy, there was never an awkward moment, like we've been doing this for years. Filling in the gaps didn't take long, it was like we picked up right where we left off. Keeping in touch is something I vowed to do, and I'm so glad we have.

When the time came to leave, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I wore make-up, I tried cracking jokes and laughing, but when I headed to the door, I completely lost control of myself. My heart was feeling so many things, I had no other way to express myself. The tears flowed like buckets of rain, pouring from both of us. We hugged, squeezed each other tight, and cried like babies. Dustin took the kids to the car for me as I said my goodbyes, but before I could leave, I went back and hugged her one last time. I wanted her to know, above all else, she meant the world to me. Our friendship has blossomed into almost a sisterhood, I know I can be honest, true, and real and never for a second feel judged or out of place. I'm so thankful for the day Nessa walked into my life. She's more than an inspiration, she's my friend.


Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.

Olivia

Olivia

Natalie

Natalie

Olivia and Lil D! Sweet lovins!

Kenadi and Audrey

Audrey

Audrey and Olivia

Anthony Jr.

Meeting My Sister

This weekend Dustin, the kids, and I went to Vegas to visit my dad, my sister, and her family. I must admit, anxious doesn't even begin to describe the pit in my stomach. I was nervous, I felt like I was staying with a stranger, and a stranger that I wasn't even sure liked me. The times I've spent with my sister, Gloria, have always been brief, so this was a change of pace for the both of us.

As predicted, we arrived to her house and were greeted with open arms. The kids warmed right up to Gloria and were excited to spend the weekend at Pa-Pa's. By the end of the first night, I had tried new food, tasted delicious red wine, and laughed until my face hurt. I had a feeling I was in for a wonderful weekend.

The things we have in common bridge the gap in age, it's simply just a number anyway. Though her children are close in age to me, having grandchildren the same ages as my kids made the transition smooth and fun. Having someone to talk to about diabetes, the struggles of being a mom and a wife, and everything in between, was more than refreshing. There were times I would feel frustrated, embarrassed, or upset, and before I even had a chance to apologize, my sister laughed it off and explained the importance of soaking up those exact memories, as one day I would miss them.

To see Gloria as a human, not some superwoman, was refreshing. I'm not sure why I had painted this picture of her as tight, stuck-up, and unfriendly-she's the complete opposite! Loving, generous, kind and funny, I am glad I had the opportunity to "meet" my sister all over again. Fish sticks, macaroni and cheese, and boxed wine will never be the same again. I hope this relationship is one that blossoms, and continues to grow, just like her fairy garden on Facebook. I've got nothing but love for you, sis!

Viva Las Vegas!

Fall break has just come to an end and so has our sweet little vacation to Las Vegas! Now, don't go getting your undies all in a bunch, we didn't stay on the strip, or even take the kids there-it was a family vacation, and it was better than ever expected!

The drive from here to there, it's no joke, it took us at least 6 hours each way, and that's with stopping to eat, get gas, and stretch our legs. It's a lot on the kids, and that's why we don't travel far very often. The drive is quiet, serene, and just beautiful. I took more than my fair share of pictures, but I'll only post a few...

So excited!!

On our way!

Handsome!

Nothing! And a lot of it!

New bridge over Hoover Dam!

Lake Mead

Once we arrived, the kids didn't take long to warm up to the big back yard, the abundance of toys, and the family time they've been craving! We spent the day together laughing, playing, and enjoying the warm weather.

Where did it go?

So serious. All. The. Time.

You get it, Boo Boo!

I love this one!

Relaxing for...about 3 seconds!

Friday was another beautiful day, the morning was spent outside in the sunshine! We decided to take a little drive over to the ever famous Boulevard Mall where Dustin used to work. As we were parking, we just happened to run into Pete, and one of his other friends, Julie. Sure made our visit easy! We walked around, looked at a few things, and visited in the office with a few of Dustin's old co-workers. I managed to snap a quick photo on our way out.

Feels like home!

After our trip through the mall, we decided to show Laila where we used to live. She was only 18 months when we moved away from Michigan, and she doesn't really remember living in Las Vegas. The apartment complex has repainted, but otherwise, nothing has changed. I'm not saying that's a good thing, either.

#339, the top floor, right door in the middle

Harmon, the main street we lived off of

Boulder Highway, baby!

Late, after the kids were all sleeping, Dustin and I decided to sneak out for a bit! We drove down to Fremont  Street, only to find it was packed and there was no parking to be found. We ended up at one of our least favorite places in Vegas-the strip! We managed to make the best of it, and ended up having a great time, even if he did lose $3.00! (No, that's no typo! Haha!)

Helllooooo, Vegas!

Samples!

Coping juice! 

Love. This. Picture.

This is where he lost my $3.00

Saturday was another great day, we took the kids to the park for a soccer game-which we missed-but had fun anyway. My niece, Lisa, brought her family over to my sister's house and we spent a while with them, there were 7 kids running around, the laughter was amazing! Saturday afternoon, we went to visit one my my best, and dearest friends. (That is a blog I will write another time, when I'm not so sensitive and on the verge of tears.) We had delicious food, lots of giggles, and not nearly enough time. I took plenty of photos over there of the kids, and I will post those when I write my next blog, hopefully tomorrow.

Being able to make the trip was a blessing in and of itself, and the things I learned and the relationships I nurtured while I was there are irreplaceable. I am so thankful to have been able to spend the time I did in Vegas, with my family and friends, and I hope we can visit again soon. My kids need it, and so does my heart.

Hymns and Hims

I decided to do another journal jar post this morning, since I'm up early, the kids are fed, and I've already downed two cups of coffee. Why not, right? I was feeling a little down when I woke up, grouchy, and ungrateful. I'm glad I chose this question today.

Favorite hymn...

The first thing that popped into my mind when I read the paper was this joke, I hope you get a chuckle out of it, I know I did.

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.


After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know who you are. I want to personally thank you."


A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's raised her hand.


"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.


"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."


The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"


Now, in all seriousness, I had a really hard time picking a favorite. I may have been out of the church for a while, but the songs and lessons have not been lost in me. In honor of the joke above, I chose 3 hymns, each having carried me through a time in my life when I felt truly alone. In no particular order, here is what I chose.


1. On Eagles Wings:
(Refrain) (full lyrics)
"And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of his hand"


This song was so important to me after I left my abusive ex husband. I thought I was done for, down in the dumps, feeling lower than low, with no where to belong. This song always reminds me that no matter what, God is always there to help me, hold me, and raise me up.


2. Be Not Afraid:
(Refrain) (full lyrics)
"Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow me,
And I will give you rest"


This song has been one of my favorites ever since I can remember. I have turned to this song during so many points in my life-when my mom was ill, when she passed away, when life in general was so exhausting I didn't think I could handle one more day, I listened. I put my faith in God and he eased my pain, my exhaustion, my aching heart. This song truly puts, "If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it" into beautiful music. Enjoy.


3. Prayer of St. Francis
(Refrain) (full lyrics)

"Oh, Master, grant that I may never seek 
So much to be consoled as to console. 
To be understood as to understand. 
To be loved, as to love with all my soul. "


The words to this song mean so much more than what meets the eye, in fact, I can rarely make it through the first line without bursting into tears. Years ago, when my mom was dying, my family surrounded her bed side. Though I wasn't there, I can picture it as plain as day. My brother sang this song, remembering days when my dad would arrive home from church, whistling this tune and brightening everyone's morning. This song was played at my mom's funeral, and the final line says it all, "...and in dying that we're born to eternal life." Each time I hear this song, I remember my mom, my family, and the sorrow God brought us through. 

Another Journal Jar Post

I'm on a roll, so let's keep on keepin' on. Here goes another journal jar post, this one is going to be a tough one for me, but I think if we don't push the envelope at times, we'll never truly know our limits.

Write about the loss of someone close to you...

Losing someone is such a broad statement. I've lost friends, family, relationships, and every time it's the same, and every time it's different. How do you choose just one? Which one impacted your life the most, which one happened the longest time ago, which one still hurts? Every loss- whether it's a breakup, end of a friendship, or death- molds and shapes the person you are, and the person you will become.

I think this post came at just the right time, I've reached a place in my life where I no longer grieve the loss of my mother, but I embrace it. My mom passed away when I was only 13, and though I don't have many memories of her, I have an amazing support system of family and friends that do, and through them, she will live on forever. Each year is different, every day presents its own challenges, and there are plenty of times I wish I could call her and ask her questions, hear her voice, or make her laugh. The time has come and gone for me to have children, and though she wasn't here physically, I know she watched me through every step of the way. 

When it happened, I had no idea how I was going to persevere. The mere idea of going back to school, facing my friends and neighbors with their happy families, it made me sick to my stomach. I didn't know how to react, or what to say when people tried to console me. I was angry, sad, embarrassed even. I knew life would be different, but I wasn't prepared for just how my life was going to change. My dad and I had a strong relationship, and the loss of my mother shook it to the core. There were days I hated him, I blamed him for not taking better care of my her, for not making sure this didn't happen. Other days, my world would have crumbled without his stability, his compassion, and his understanding. 

I hear myself saying things to my children I swore I would never say, I crack my knuckles exactly like my mom used to, and every once in a blue moon I catch a smell of her favorite perfume. I have more appreciation for my mom every day, I feel so naive at times, I had no idea then how under appreciated she must have felt. To gracefully run a household with a husband and children, and never have them feel for a second like they're anything but the most important person in the world, that takes class. Every time I spend the afternoon making beds or an evening cooking dinner, I think about why I do it, and why she did it for us. If my mother felt anything like I do, the rewards were worth every backache, burnt finger, and bad mood. Every dirty diaper was changed with love, and hope that one day when that child grows up, they will have their own family and feel the same love you feel. A love so strong you would do anything to protect them, you would give them the world, you would die so they don't have to.

I am a motherless mother. Though this doesn't define who I am, it plays a role in who I am today. I take a few extra seconds to hold my children each night before bed, I thank God for them every morning when I wake up. I'm proud to call them mine, and wouldn't know what to do without them. Losing my mother has taught me not to take the little things for granted, because one day when you look back, you'll realize those really were the big things.

Double Journal Jar Post!

Today has been far from a good day- Dustin's working long hours, the kids are far from behaving, and I'm plum exhausted. It's time for me to start writing again, even if it's only a silly journal jar response. Writing cleanses my mind, eases my body, and soothes my soul. So, that being said, here goes nothing...

3 places I've lived...

1. Saint Joseph, MI

The memories this city hold for me are much more than a simple blog post can express. This is where I was born, where my mother and father raised me, where my childhood home overflowed with laughter and sorrow, and this is the place I will always call home. St. Joe, as we called it, is where my life was established. There were days after my mom died that I thought I couldn't go on, and days after I met Dustin that I couldn't wait to experience. My first child was born in this city, one I couldn't wait to escape, and one I now wish I never left behind.

2. Las Vegas, NV

What happens in Vegas stays in Vega, but the 400-pound woman perched in front of a slot machine, oozing bum-flesh off her stool as she balanced a cocktail and cigarette in one hand and robotically tugged the slot arm with the other... that's still with me. (thanks, BRIAN SACK, Banterist, Jun. 15, 2006) With big dreams, we trekked across the country to find bigger and better things. Aside from this, we found bigger electricity bills, and more places to spend the money we didn't have. It was a stepping stone to bigger and better things, and for that, I'll be forever thankful.

3. Maricopa, AZ

I never dreamed I'd end up in Arizona, let alone a city the size of the one I grew up in. I wanted more than anything to live the big city life, and here I am back to my roots in a city the same size, just 2,000 miles away from home. This is the place my kids will call home, where my family photos will be taken, where we bought our first house and turned it into a home. There are photos on the walls, stains on the carpets, and memories made daily. Maricopa is where we spend our holidays, where we laugh together during the good times, and hold each other through the times that seem to be rough. My kitchen is where I teach my daughters to cook, just like my mom taught me, my living room is where I have changed hundreds of diapers, and my back yard is where we planted our first garden. I can't say I like it here, but it's starting to grow on me. It seems like we may just be here a while.

3 jobs I've had...

1. Hostess- Applebee's

This was my second job, and not at all my favorite. Though I had plenty of fun working at Applebee's, I'm glad I'll never be doing that again! I laughed a lot, met a lot of cool people, and made little money, but there was something about this job that will always stick with me. I think Applebee's was one of the most liberating of all the places I've been employed; I wasn't a manager, or really anything more than a hostess, but I had power. Believe it or not, I had power. You rubbed me the wrong way, I sat your ass with tables I knew wouldn't tip well, people that were interested in chatting rather than eating, and people with kids that fully intended on making a big, nasty mess. I may have been lowest on the totem pole, but without me, nobody was going anywhere.

2. Store Associate- Old Navy

This job was a huge step for me; Old Navy was the first job I accepted after Laila was born. The discount at this job was a lifesaver, without it, I think my entire paycheck would have gone right back into that store! I can't say I made lifelong friendships there, in fact, I don't think anyone really liked me, but I did have fun. I still have no fashion sense, I hate shopping, but for the most part, I was left alone. I joined the logistics team not long after I started working there, and realized I really enjoyed working the shipment. It may not be anything I ever do again, but it was fun while it lasted.

3. Homemaker-The Smith Residence

Homemaker: [hohm-mey-ker] noun: a person who manages the household of his or her own family, especially as a principal occupation.Well, that about sums it up, now doesn't it? I am a mother, a wife, a pet owner, and much, much more. I have three beautiful children-two girls and a boy-, a sweet puppy I never wanted, and the most amazing, understand, compassionate husband God has ever created. Trust me, there are plenty of days where I feel like the walls are caving in, the laundry piles grow faster than I can wash them, the food doesn't cook itself, and despite my prayers, the trash hasn't grown legs and walked itself outside yet. The days where I struggle to make ends meet are tough, but there's nothing, and I repeat: nothing like the rewarding hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" I receive at the end of each day. Waking up in my own home, in my own bed, next to my husband each morning is more then I think I deserve at times. Teaching my children right from wrong, hearing them laugh and play, and being a stable, consistent part of their lives is better then I ever expected. "In your wildest dreams you can never imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!" Thanks, Willy Wonka, for another memorable quote, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Untitled

I never know where to begin, how to explain my feelings, or the reasons behind them. I am always nervous I'll share too much, or perhaps I'm too vague, leaving you with questions that will never be answered.

Last night, Evelien moved out. As I sit here, and I type it, it becomes even more real. Her room is empty, the bathroom is void of her personal effects, and the house seems just a little quieter. Somehow, some way, I feel as though a weight has been lifted.

Evelien is a great kid, she does well in school, she's beautiful, fun, and spunky. She has so much to offer, I hope she does great in life, whatever she chooses to do. I see no reason for anything but success, and I hope she always stays happy.

When I decided to embark on this journey, I thought more of myself and my desires, and less of those of my family. I feel as though this was an amazing experience, but not something we were as prepared for as we thought. Our children are small, requiring lots of attention-time, money, energy-and there are times I feel spent just dealing with them, let alone worrying constantly about a teenager running around with her friends. I remember what it's like to be 17, and boy, it wasn't always peaches and cream.

I hope Evelien understands and knows deep down this is for the best, and I love her dearly. She touched my life in such a way she will always be a part of me. Her new host family should be overjoyed to have such an amazing girl, I hope she understands her own self worth. A slice of my heart is broken, I feel as though I've disappointed her, ruined her vision of America, but I know deep down this is for the best. She's more than just a built-in babysitter, she's more than just a teenager needing a place to fit in-she's a person with needs and feelings, and I'm glad to have known her when I did.

Evelien, I hope America is everything you dreamed of. I pray you remember this experience and the laughs we shared, and the time we spent together. I know one day you'll succeed, your life is truly going places, and I'm so proud to have been a part of it. Thank you for everything you shared with me, and the lessons we both learned.  Take care of yourself, and be safe.

Love,
Joli

Happy Birthday, Riley

Today is Riley's birthday. My stepdaughter. I wish I had more to say, my heart breaks that I can't fill this page with photos and memories, smiles and laughter, but I can't. It's been years since I've seen her, and she's only just turning 7.

I haven't received a photo, phone call, or letter in so long, I can't remember when I last did. Though we've asked, begged, and pleaded, we've been unable to see Riley since we moved away. I've sent photos, made phone calls, and written letters, I've even visited home twice. I've never been responded to in a positive manner.

One day, I hope, we'll meet her again. Get to know her for who she is, not who we want her to be. Obviously, she's different. She's been raised with different values in a different lifestyle, and will have her own personality and style. I'm sure there's a thing or two she can teach me, and I want to show her everything I know.

People ask why we left, or rather, "left her". I don't see it as leaving her behind, but I do see an opportunity that couldn't be dismissed. Having moved out west, Dustin and I were able to buy a home, have more children, and I've been able to stay home and raise our children and care for our family. Had we never left, I have no doubts we would still be struggling day to day to pay our bills, living in a less than adequate apartment in an unsightly neighborhood, and my dreams of more children would have remained just dreams.

I wonder constantly about the relationships that are missing, Riley has yet to meet Kenadi or Dustin Jr, and has only few, if any, memories if Laila. The girls know about Riley, I show them photos often, what few I stumble across on Facebook, but it doesn't quite seem enough. We can't laugh about their likes and dislikes, the things they have in common or the things they disagree on. They may never share a bedroom or giggle about boys, fight over clothes, or get in trouble together. These are only things I can hope to one day see.

Now, my dreams have changed, and I wish for different things. I hope one day, the life we are able to provide our children carries over into Riley's life too. I pray she realizes we are not selfish, but loving, and want to share our love with her. I can't control the things she's told about us, or the information that's withheld, but I can be prepared for the day when she asks me questions about why we left, and welcome her with open arms when she's ready to get to know us, her family.

I have a love in my heart that travels for miles, even if she's unaware. It's a love that will never vanish. There's a light on, even in the darkness, and it's got her name written all over it. Until we meet again. Happy Birthday, Riley. Your step-mom loves you.

A Little Cleaning

A couple days ago I decided it's time to do a little reorganizing, de-cluttering, and deep cleaning. I've been meaning to get around to it for months, and Saturday seemed like the perfect day to start. My son's closet was overflowing, boxes of clothes and toys were crammed in there and I could hardly close the doors. By the time I dragged all the clothing out, I found 6 boxes! Boy, did I ever feel like I belonged on "Hoarders"!

After Kenadi was born, I started saving Laila's clothes that still had good use left to them. I've always been frugal, and I didn't see any sense in tossing perfectly good clothing, and this is what I found when I pulled all the clothes boxes from the closet! I was more than pleasantly surprised to find enough clothes to completely replace everything in Kenadi's wardrobe with the next size up! I also found pants I bought for Laila last fall still with the tags on them, I love clearance sales! She's fully stocked for school this fall and winter, and I didn't even have to go shopping! Even though they are 3 years apart in age, in size, Laila and Kenadi are now only 1-2 sizes different. Kenadi seems to be on the bigger side, now wearing mostly 4T, and Laila is a tad smaller, still able to fit in some 5Ts and just now starting to fit in some extra smalls.

Just over 1 year ago Laila was diagnosed with Diabetes. A lot of people will ask how we knew something was wrong, what tipped us off to her illness, and the easiest answer I can give them is how skinny she was. I look back at the photos of her from her 5th birthday and she was still in a size 4T, having worn the same size clothes for nearly two straight years. Since then, I'm happy to report she's gained well over 10 pounds and almost two full sizes in clothing. As I was going through the shirts in the boxes, I had no idea the overwhelming feeling I would have when I touched some of the shirts I remember her wearing. The shirt she wore the day she was admitted to the hospital, the pajamas she begged me to bring for her to sleep in, it was gut wrenching. I was looking forward to seeing Kenadi wear some of those shirts, but as my mind flashed back to those awful days of fear and agony, I'm not sure I can let that happen.

Yesterday, I washed all the clothes in those boxes. I folded them and smiled to myself as I stacked them in piles for the girls to put them away. Whether or not I'll ever allow Kenadi to wear some of those clothes is still up in the air; the clothes don't make the child, or the memories. Here's to creating new memories, out with the old, and in with the new-no matter what shirt you have on.