Happy Birthday, Riley

Today is Riley's birthday. My stepdaughter. I wish I had more to say, my heart breaks that I can't fill this page with photos and memories, smiles and laughter, but I can't. It's been years since I've seen her, and she's only just turning 7.

I haven't received a photo, phone call, or letter in so long, I can't remember when I last did. Though we've asked, begged, and pleaded, we've been unable to see Riley since we moved away. I've sent photos, made phone calls, and written letters, I've even visited home twice. I've never been responded to in a positive manner.

One day, I hope, we'll meet her again. Get to know her for who she is, not who we want her to be. Obviously, she's different. She's been raised with different values in a different lifestyle, and will have her own personality and style. I'm sure there's a thing or two she can teach me, and I want to show her everything I know.

People ask why we left, or rather, "left her". I don't see it as leaving her behind, but I do see an opportunity that couldn't be dismissed. Having moved out west, Dustin and I were able to buy a home, have more children, and I've been able to stay home and raise our children and care for our family. Had we never left, I have no doubts we would still be struggling day to day to pay our bills, living in a less than adequate apartment in an unsightly neighborhood, and my dreams of more children would have remained just dreams.

I wonder constantly about the relationships that are missing, Riley has yet to meet Kenadi or Dustin Jr, and has only few, if any, memories if Laila. The girls know about Riley, I show them photos often, what few I stumble across on Facebook, but it doesn't quite seem enough. We can't laugh about their likes and dislikes, the things they have in common or the things they disagree on. They may never share a bedroom or giggle about boys, fight over clothes, or get in trouble together. These are only things I can hope to one day see.

Now, my dreams have changed, and I wish for different things. I hope one day, the life we are able to provide our children carries over into Riley's life too. I pray she realizes we are not selfish, but loving, and want to share our love with her. I can't control the things she's told about us, or the information that's withheld, but I can be prepared for the day when she asks me questions about why we left, and welcome her with open arms when she's ready to get to know us, her family.

I have a love in my heart that travels for miles, even if she's unaware. It's a love that will never vanish. There's a light on, even in the darkness, and it's got her name written all over it. Until we meet again. Happy Birthday, Riley. Your step-mom loves you.