Lately, I've been feeling like garbage. I have felt tired, angry, used, and hurt. I go above and beyond, I'm willing to rearrange my whole day to help someone even when I get nothing in return, and still feel like I'm all alone at the end of the day. A simple kind gesture goes a long way. This may sound selfish, but with all give and no take, it tires a person out. In addition to feeling this way, I've been feeling down about my life, like I'm not measuring up.
After a long day of running myself to the ground, beating myself up about how I'm not good enough, I finally sat down to recap my day. I ask my girls at the end of each day if they did something nice for someone with out being asked, if they helped anyone, and what their favorite part of the day was. I love hearing them share their stories of generosity and kindness, it makes me feel like a million bucks. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me.
I am good enough. In fact, I'm freaking fabulous!
I typically a "Debby Downer", I can ruin a good mood in a heartbeat. I always see the glass as half empty, there's never enough time, and I find myself constantly miserable. It's easy to look at my life and see how far I have to go, instead of looking back at the mountains I've climbed and the treacherous roads behind me. I've spent months trying to force friendships that will never be, and right in front of my face are people who want to be in my life, who want to be my friend, and accept me and the baggage that comes with me.
I've prayed, talked, screamed, and cried, and finally decided it's time for me to be my own priority. Since this decision, I've come to the following conclusions about my life:
1. I'm married to the most amazing man: Trust me, there are days I've considered walking away, giving up, just throwing in the towel, and on those days, Dustin tells me I'm beautiful. He reminds me why I chose this life, and he lifts me up in ways I could never do for myself. He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me. I feel safe, both emotionally and physically, and ready to climb the next mountain as long as he's by my side.
2. I have a house to call home: I complain my house isn't big enough, I feel like we're busting at the seams, outgrowing everything from clothes to beds to this house. This certainly isn't my dream home, in fact, I felt rushed when we bought it and didn't even really want this house. Three children, two adults, and one dog all crammed into a 1400 square foot house is not how I imagined my life. Then again, I never dreamed I'd be a stay at home mom in the suburbs of Arizona, either. Even though we're feeling cramped, we have a clean, safe environment for our family to live. There is no landlord who can make us move on short notice, because we own this house; we've never had our water turned off, or our electric disconnected, and we even have the expanded cable package, and that's something to be proud of.
3. My children are healthy: Yes, Laila has Type 1 Diabetes, but she's healthyAt the time of Laila's diagnosis, I was sure my world was ending. With the help of amazing doctors and my supportive husband, we've got her sugars under control and she's doing great!. Aside from the hurdles we've already passed, my kids are doing just fine. To know each night as I tuck them in that they are in no danger of harm is a blessing so big it almost brings me to tears. Having them in my life means more to me than I can express, and knowing they're healthy is breathtaking.
4. My husband has a good job: Dustin and I decided together I would be a stay at home mom. Not only do I change diapers and cook meals, I also pay the bills. He brings home the bacon, I fry it in the pan. My job is to make his salary stretch as far as I can, and thankfully it's not as hard as it could be. He's constantly picking up overtime to help with the extras, and the benefits through his employer is amazing. Health coverage is a must-have in our house, with Laila's condition, the supplies would cost more than he makes in a month if we didn't have the coverage we have now. He works with great people, his schedule is consistent, and the pay is enough to keep us afloat. We don't always have lots of money left over at the end of each month, we still pay our bills paycheck to paycheck, but there's always a cushion to fall back on, and it's refreshing to know as long as he's willing to stay, his job isn't going anywhere.
5. I have a budget: This may sound silly, but it coincides with the above statement. I have a budget for food, gas, clothing, and other things. I was grumbling to a friend today about my lack of funds to feed a family of five, and how making it stretch is difficult sometimes. Indeed, it is, but we've never been hungry, cold, or without what we need. I've learned to prioritize my life and always put my kids and husband first. I can go without getting my hair cut this week just knowing my pantry and freezer will be full, and I can skip going to lunch with friends if it means signing my oldest up for soccer or paying for preschool instead. When there's extra, I find myself picking up little surprised for my kids, accidentally (ok, on purpose) not packing my husband's lunch so he can enjoy something special at work from a place only in town. Every once in a while, when I do treat myself to a coffee or lunch with friends, it's extra sweet, because I feel like I earned it.
6. I have friends: I mentioned feeling like I was forcing friendships that will never be, and ignoring those right in front of me who want to be a part of my life. I have resolved to change this part of my life, it's important to have healthy relationships as examples for my children. I've brushed people off, canceled plans, and ignored invites because I was worried they weren't genuine, and I would hate if someone did that to me. I look forward to making new friends for myself, and my kids, and spending my time enjoying my life instead of sulking around feeling bad about it. I have best friends, friends I would trust with my life, and they're irreplaceable. No, they all don't live close by, but when we can, we visit each other and pick up right where we left off. Those are the friendships that will last a lifetime.
7: I have great parents: My mom died nearly 16 years ago, but she's not been lost. Her lessons, her words, they're with me always. My dad, yes, he gets on my nerves and under my skin, but that's what parents do, isn't it? Together, they've instilled in me a passion to raise my children in such a way that makes this world a better place. They will be polite, generous, smart, kind, and wholesome. They will make me proud, they already do, and I know part of it is because of me, and because of my parents. I hope my parents know what they mean to me, and I make them proud.
The buck doesn't stop here, there is so much more to my life than the few things I posted here tonight, these are just the things that keep me grounded. These are the things I need in my life, and the things I need to remind myself of when I'm feeling down, because..
Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
