Today went better than expected! Let me cover last night first, and then I'll get back to how special today turned out to be. All night last night, my sweet littl man was feeling so fantastic he stayed up to talk to me, kick his legs, and wave his arms. This was all great news for him, but terrible for me since I didn't manage to snooze more than an hour or two. The nurses were feeling so sorry for me around 2:30am they even gave him a dose of Benadryl to go with his Tylenol with codeine. No luck on the sleeping front, but he was feeling good!
I finally conceded to the fact that he wasn't going to sleep and I got up, used the restroom, and ordered him some more pain medication. We decided to go straight to plain ibuprophen since that's what he'll be taking at home, and he didn't seem to be too cranky. Contrary to popular belief, he managed to stay awake the entire afternoon. The nurse practicioner came in and examined him-naturally he looked perfect. She looked at his incision site since it was still clear and dry she agreed to lift his bed to 60 degrees, then 90 degrees, and opened the option for me to sit him in my lap. As long as he doesn't apply too much pressure to his lower back, he should be good to go. She decided it would be alright to send him home this afternoon, with simple instructions to keep his activity limited, but as long as he's feeling good to let him sort of get his bearings back.
After a short nap in the car on the way home, he has not slowed down for an instant! He's pulling up on the furniture with one hand, crawling and climbing over things, laughing and smiling. I am nervous that he's doing too much, but I can't seem to keep him in one place! He's a trip! He has been eating bottles and tonight is back to solids and table food. So far, so good. Big D and Little D are watching the NFL draft together, and the girls are sleeping. I'm finally at peace.
One last big fat THANK YOU to everyone who has prayed, left a messager or called to check on us, thought about us during this time or helped us in some way. We will never be able to repay you for the things you have done for us, but know each and every one of you are appreciated. All our love.
April 28, 2011
April 27, 2011
Recovery Day 2
Another big "Thank You!" goes out to everyone who has prayed for our family. Dustin is doing fantastic today, better even than expected. Last night was a little rough on both him and I, he was experiencing some pain and the anesthesia was wearing off, so seeing him cry real tears broke my heart. The nurses have been great, they are with me every step of the way to ensure he's not in any pain, and I get breaks to use the restroom, shower, and eat. He slept most of the night, receiving his last dose of morphine around 3am.
Early this morning the nurse removed Dustin's iv from his left hand, and also his catheter. The blood pressure cuff has also come off, so he's down to half the tubes he started with! We turned him from his stomach to his back this morning and he's been doing well. He has been completely taken off the "Dex"-the medicine provided to keep him sedated and pain-free. Now that he has come around, he's in great spirits! I was able to get him to eat a 2 ounce bottle of pedialyte and a 2 ounce bottle this morning, and since he's kept that down, he hasn't stopped! I believe he's gone through 7 of the 2 ounce bottles of formula the hospital provides for him, and he's been lifted to a 30 degree angle. He has endured his first diaper change and seems to have a positive outlook. He has been drowsy, but coherent enough to recognize me and Dustin, even chanting "da da da da" a few times. Though the morphine is making him itchy, he hasn't tried climbing out of the bed yet. He went close to 9 hours without any morphine, so we will be switching to just Tylenol with codeine when it's time for his next dose.
The doctor just visited and looked him over, the incision site looks wonderful, no leakage or blood, and he's staying pretty still at 30 degrees. Later this afternoon he will be moved to the regular floor, his PICU status has been released! This means he's no longer considered an "intensive care" case. I have been allowed to change his diapers and will be able to order him some baby food later this evening. Tomorrow afternoon we will move him up to 60 degrees, and eventually 90 degrees and into my lap. If all goes as planned, we should be able to take him home with us late tomorrow night! We have been instructed to keep his personal space rather confined, since he'll be in a lot of pain anyway, he shouldn't be roaming the house with the risk of him falling down or the girls bumping him.
Those of you who have been following along, thank you so much for everything. No kind word has gone unnoticed, no prayer unanswered, no thought unappreciated. I may not respond to each and every one of you, but I am getting your texts, calls, and messages. Thank you so much for being with us, near or far, during this difficult time.
Early this morning the nurse removed Dustin's iv from his left hand, and also his catheter. The blood pressure cuff has also come off, so he's down to half the tubes he started with! We turned him from his stomach to his back this morning and he's been doing well. He has been completely taken off the "Dex"-the medicine provided to keep him sedated and pain-free. Now that he has come around, he's in great spirits! I was able to get him to eat a 2 ounce bottle of pedialyte and a 2 ounce bottle this morning, and since he's kept that down, he hasn't stopped! I believe he's gone through 7 of the 2 ounce bottles of formula the hospital provides for him, and he's been lifted to a 30 degree angle. He has endured his first diaper change and seems to have a positive outlook. He has been drowsy, but coherent enough to recognize me and Dustin, even chanting "da da da da" a few times. Though the morphine is making him itchy, he hasn't tried climbing out of the bed yet. He went close to 9 hours without any morphine, so we will be switching to just Tylenol with codeine when it's time for his next dose.
The doctor just visited and looked him over, the incision site looks wonderful, no leakage or blood, and he's staying pretty still at 30 degrees. Later this afternoon he will be moved to the regular floor, his PICU status has been released! This means he's no longer considered an "intensive care" case. I have been allowed to change his diapers and will be able to order him some baby food later this evening. Tomorrow afternoon we will move him up to 60 degrees, and eventually 90 degrees and into my lap. If all goes as planned, we should be able to take him home with us late tomorrow night! We have been instructed to keep his personal space rather confined, since he'll be in a lot of pain anyway, he shouldn't be roaming the house with the risk of him falling down or the girls bumping him.
Those of you who have been following along, thank you so much for everything. No kind word has gone unnoticed, no prayer unanswered, no thought unappreciated. I may not respond to each and every one of you, but I am getting your texts, calls, and messages. Thank you so much for being with us, near or far, during this difficult time.
April 26, 2011
Surgery & Recovery, Day 1
I will do my best to inform everyone of what's going on in a factual way, without flooding it with emotions. It's been a rough day for all of us, but things are on the up and up.
This morning, bright and early, Dustin Jr. was brought into Phoenix Children's Hospital for his surgery. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his situation, he has a sacral dimple on his lower back-basically, a hole above his butt. It raised eyebrows from the day he was born, but never really seemed to cause any issues. In March, we brought him in for an MRI and the test results revealed his spinal cord is tethered. The spinal cord normally hangs loose in the canal, free to move up and down with growth, bending and stretching- a tethered cord is held taut at the end. In children, a tethered cord can cause the spinal cord to stretch as they grow, usually leading to progressive spinal cord damage if left untreated. It can produce a fluid cyst in the spinal cord, which eventually leads to loss of movement or feeling, or the onset of severe pain.
The surgery went well, the doctor came out to let us know things went just as planned. Naturally, I've been a nervous wreck for days prior to today, and even more so now. He assured me numerous times that things were just fine, and everything went smoothly. When the spinal cord is tethered, it may stretch and cause pain, but with an infant, there's really no way to tell. The doctor explained that as he snipped Dustin's cord, it shrivelled up quickly, indicating it was, indeed, tighter than expected.
Finally, after two and a half hours of waiting, we were allowed back to his room to see him. He has been placed in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) to monitor his position and the incision sight. So far, there has been no leakage of spinal cord fluid or blood on his bandage. After the surgery was performed, the doctor used dissolving stitches and a "glue" to seal the cut, so the bandage will stay on as long as possible to help it heal quickly.
We have a general idea of his "schedule" over the next few days, and have high hopes of being allowed to go home as early as Friday morning. Right after the surgery Dustin has to remain flat on his stomach or side for 24 hours to prevent any pressure on the incision site or his spinal cord. My poor son literally cried near constant from 11am until close to 6pm. He's pretty comfortable with the dosage of morphine he's been receiving, he's now sleeping soundly. There is an iv in each hand, and also one in his food, along with a catheter to reduce the number of diaper changes during his stay. He has yet to be coherent enough to eat anything, but tomorrow he will be able to lay flat on his back and will hopefully snack on some pedialite. He will spend 24 hours flat on his back, and we will gradually raise him by 30 degree increments until he's able to sit up without complications. From the sounds of things, he will be limited in the amount of activity he can participate in for a few weeks, but trying to limit such an active boy like him is going to be difficult!
I would like to thank everyone again for all the sweet encouraging words, the prayers and thoughts for us and our family. Without all of you, I wouldn't have made it as far as I have today. I am taking it one day at a time, and doing my best to be here for my son. I knew he was going to be trouble, but I had no idea this is what I was in for! I am so thankful to have him in my life, and to have caught this issue before he was in any pain. Now that he is resting, I am going to try to relax. He sure is handsome when he's sleeping! Goodnight everyone, I promise to keep you updated as I know more.
This morning, bright and early, Dustin Jr. was brought into Phoenix Children's Hospital for his surgery. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his situation, he has a sacral dimple on his lower back-basically, a hole above his butt. It raised eyebrows from the day he was born, but never really seemed to cause any issues. In March, we brought him in for an MRI and the test results revealed his spinal cord is tethered. The spinal cord normally hangs loose in the canal, free to move up and down with growth, bending and stretching- a tethered cord is held taut at the end. In children, a tethered cord can cause the spinal cord to stretch as they grow, usually leading to progressive spinal cord damage if left untreated. It can produce a fluid cyst in the spinal cord, which eventually leads to loss of movement or feeling, or the onset of severe pain.
The surgery went well, the doctor came out to let us know things went just as planned. Naturally, I've been a nervous wreck for days prior to today, and even more so now. He assured me numerous times that things were just fine, and everything went smoothly. When the spinal cord is tethered, it may stretch and cause pain, but with an infant, there's really no way to tell. The doctor explained that as he snipped Dustin's cord, it shrivelled up quickly, indicating it was, indeed, tighter than expected.
Finally, after two and a half hours of waiting, we were allowed back to his room to see him. He has been placed in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) to monitor his position and the incision sight. So far, there has been no leakage of spinal cord fluid or blood on his bandage. After the surgery was performed, the doctor used dissolving stitches and a "glue" to seal the cut, so the bandage will stay on as long as possible to help it heal quickly.
We have a general idea of his "schedule" over the next few days, and have high hopes of being allowed to go home as early as Friday morning. Right after the surgery Dustin has to remain flat on his stomach or side for 24 hours to prevent any pressure on the incision site or his spinal cord. My poor son literally cried near constant from 11am until close to 6pm. He's pretty comfortable with the dosage of morphine he's been receiving, he's now sleeping soundly. There is an iv in each hand, and also one in his food, along with a catheter to reduce the number of diaper changes during his stay. He has yet to be coherent enough to eat anything, but tomorrow he will be able to lay flat on his back and will hopefully snack on some pedialite. He will spend 24 hours flat on his back, and we will gradually raise him by 30 degree increments until he's able to sit up without complications. From the sounds of things, he will be limited in the amount of activity he can participate in for a few weeks, but trying to limit such an active boy like him is going to be difficult!
I would like to thank everyone again for all the sweet encouraging words, the prayers and thoughts for us and our family. Without all of you, I wouldn't have made it as far as I have today. I am taking it one day at a time, and doing my best to be here for my son. I knew he was going to be trouble, but I had no idea this is what I was in for! I am so thankful to have him in my life, and to have caught this issue before he was in any pain. Now that he is resting, I am going to try to relax. He sure is handsome when he's sleeping! Goodnight everyone, I promise to keep you updated as I know more.
April 25, 2011
Taxes, Surgery
I'm sitting here with the computer in my lap, surrounded by bills and tax documents. For some reason, when it rains, it pours. I'm stressed beyond belief, and this seems like it's just the beginning.
Back in 2007, Dustin and I filed our taxes and recieved a pretty nice refund, which we used to move us from Vegas down to our current home, Maricopa, AZ. Just months after getting settled in, purchasing furniture, decorating the kids rooms, and filling our pantry, we received a letter from the IRS. There was an issue with the way we filed our taxes, and 90% of the money we were refunded would need to be paid back. Boy, oh boy, that was going to be a problem.
We have literally been paying off those taxes for years, and finally this year managed to dump one lump sum into the last payment and felt as though a weight had been lifted. Finally! No more nasty-grams in the mail, no levy's on our bank account or Dustin's paychecks, and no more debt looming over our heads. Until today. We filed our taxes nearly a month ago and still haven't received our refund. Checking online weekly and making numerous calls has only brought us to the conclusion that our refund was altered, and would be here next week. Then the next. Then the next. Today, I opened the mail box and saw a letter from the IRS, and I was thrilled thinking it was a letter explaining our refund status, or even a refund check! I was wrong-disappointed and heartbroken. It was actually a letter stating we missed our payment from our monthly payment agreement! I came inside, settled down in the corner of the couch, and called the IRS yet again. As it turns out, they accepted our payment, and also deducted the full amout we owed (totalling $600!!!) out of our refund! So, double whammie-and double payment! What a bust! The lady "did a little research" as she called it and found the payment we made and applied it to our current refund, though it will be paid back to us at a later date and time. Whatever. As long as it finds its way to my house in the form of a big fat check with my name on it, I'm a happy camper.
To add to my mountains of stress, I received a phone call this morning from the hospital. Tomorrow morning is Dustin's surgery for the sacral dimple in his lower back. After packing, crying, arranging care for the girls, crying, praying, and crying some more, I finally felt ready for the day ahead. The hospital hasn't received confirmation from our insurance company that this surgery is necessary, and has been approved. Well, I received that letter today! Why it came to my house is beyond me, but getting through to that doctor's office is damn near impossible. I guess I'll have to take it with me at 5 am tomorrow. I must admit, I'm not as scared about the actual surgery as I am about his future. I know this surgery is necessary, and it will prevent many complications later in life, but I'm still a hot mess. In less than 6 months, my oldest daughter was diagnosed with diabetes, and my son now needs a pilonidal cyst removed. 2 hospital stays, many long nights away from my other kids and husband, and bills I'm not sure I'll ever be able to afford.
Tonight, I'm dropping my girls off at my friend Michelle's house and I won't see them for days. Tomorrow, I'm leaving my son's life in the hands of another. I wonder if I'll ever run out of tears.
Back in 2007, Dustin and I filed our taxes and recieved a pretty nice refund, which we used to move us from Vegas down to our current home, Maricopa, AZ. Just months after getting settled in, purchasing furniture, decorating the kids rooms, and filling our pantry, we received a letter from the IRS. There was an issue with the way we filed our taxes, and 90% of the money we were refunded would need to be paid back. Boy, oh boy, that was going to be a problem.
We have literally been paying off those taxes for years, and finally this year managed to dump one lump sum into the last payment and felt as though a weight had been lifted. Finally! No more nasty-grams in the mail, no levy's on our bank account or Dustin's paychecks, and no more debt looming over our heads. Until today. We filed our taxes nearly a month ago and still haven't received our refund. Checking online weekly and making numerous calls has only brought us to the conclusion that our refund was altered, and would be here next week. Then the next. Then the next. Today, I opened the mail box and saw a letter from the IRS, and I was thrilled thinking it was a letter explaining our refund status, or even a refund check! I was wrong-disappointed and heartbroken. It was actually a letter stating we missed our payment from our monthly payment agreement! I came inside, settled down in the corner of the couch, and called the IRS yet again. As it turns out, they accepted our payment, and also deducted the full amout we owed (totalling $600!!!) out of our refund! So, double whammie-and double payment! What a bust! The lady "did a little research" as she called it and found the payment we made and applied it to our current refund, though it will be paid back to us at a later date and time. Whatever. As long as it finds its way to my house in the form of a big fat check with my name on it, I'm a happy camper.
To add to my mountains of stress, I received a phone call this morning from the hospital. Tomorrow morning is Dustin's surgery for the sacral dimple in his lower back. After packing, crying, arranging care for the girls, crying, praying, and crying some more, I finally felt ready for the day ahead. The hospital hasn't received confirmation from our insurance company that this surgery is necessary, and has been approved. Well, I received that letter today! Why it came to my house is beyond me, but getting through to that doctor's office is damn near impossible. I guess I'll have to take it with me at 5 am tomorrow. I must admit, I'm not as scared about the actual surgery as I am about his future. I know this surgery is necessary, and it will prevent many complications later in life, but I'm still a hot mess. In less than 6 months, my oldest daughter was diagnosed with diabetes, and my son now needs a pilonidal cyst removed. 2 hospital stays, many long nights away from my other kids and husband, and bills I'm not sure I'll ever be able to afford.
Tonight, I'm dropping my girls off at my friend Michelle's house and I won't see them for days. Tomorrow, I'm leaving my son's life in the hands of another. I wonder if I'll ever run out of tears.
Happy Easter!
I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Easter! I know we did!
 |
| Happy Easter, Kenadi! |
 |
| Happy Easter, Laila! |
 |
| Ready to hunt eggs! |
 |
| Laila finding eggs! |
 |
| Kenadi finding an egg! |
 |
| Lil man enjoying the festivities! |
April 23, 2011
Good Times, Great Oldies
Last night, another mom's night commenced. I must admit, I look forward to our weekly meetings to gossip, drink, and laugh the night away. Here are a few pictures from our fun filled evening:
We always have so much fun, I'm so thankful for these lovely ladies! They always bring out the best in me!
We always have so much fun, I'm so thankful for these lovely ladies! They always bring out the best in me!
Coloring Easter Eggs
This morning we colored Easter eggs! I originally started out with 10 eggs, but lost 2 in the process, so we ended up with 8. That was more than enough, Kenadi did one and was too distracted by other things to do any more, so Dustin, Laila and I finished the rest.
I forgot to take a picture of all the eggs once we were finished, I got side tracked taking care of little man, but we had fun. Tomorrow is Easter, I can't wait to see what the Easter Bunny brings everyone!
I forgot to take a picture of all the eggs once we were finished, I got side tracked taking care of little man, but we had fun. Tomorrow is Easter, I can't wait to see what the Easter Bunny brings everyone!
April 17, 2011
Fun in the Sun!
The past few days have been really warm, I'm talking close to-and even reaching-100 degrees! The hottest part of the day here is mid-afternoon, which works out perfectly for us! Laila gets home from school and the weather is perfect for a little dip in the pool. Take a peek below!
 |
| My lovies! |
 |
| Check out those lips! |
 |
| Ahhhhh! |
 |
| Nom nom nom... |
 |
| Peek-a-boo! I see you! |
April 16, 2011
Show and Tell
Well, apparently I'm no good at remembering to do Show and Tell on Fridays, so here's another Saturday post. The item I'm showing today is so very special to me, it used to belong to my mom.
This cookie monster was my mom's. She used to take it with her each time she went to the hospital, it would sit in her bed next to her pillow. I'm not sure where it came from, or why the angel pin is on there, but it's managed to stick around for many years. I remember the long week she would spend in the hospital, followed by 3 weeks at home. Most of the time she was too tired or sick to even sit up in bed, but this little guy was always there to keep her company. Even though my mom has been gone for many years, he's still around to keep me company, too.
April 11, 2011
Let the Writing Begin
After much needed poking and prodding, I have started to write a book. It has been one of my life long dreams, and to be honest, I don't even care if it ever gets published. I've decided to write my own version of a memoir, sort of a recollection of the events of my life. Hopefully, it will help someone, somewhere have the strength to make it through another day, end a bad relationship, or enter into a new one.
I have no title, and not quite three pages, but I already feel like a million bucks. At the request of my friend, Jessica, I will post my "prologue"...and yes, Jessica, you can share it too.
I have no title, and not quite three pages, but I already feel like a million bucks. At the request of my friend, Jessica, I will post my "prologue"...and yes, Jessica, you can share it too.
Every little girl dreams of the day they give their heart away. Every fairy tale is different, each with its own happy ending. Growing up, my version of home was simple. My father brought home the bacon, my mother fried it in the pan. My father was the only parent working, and my mother's job was to raise the children, making the best of the resources available for everyone. There were plenty of days I felt as if we were millionaires, though I know now that merely wasn't the case.
I grew up in a small city, where money spent fast and word spread even faster. It was no surprise when shopping at the grocery store, everyone seemed to know my name. My mother was the type of person who made friends easily, it was as though everyone wanted to get to know her. I was embarrassed as a child, to have to stop at neighbors houses on our way home or having to wait at the supermarket as my mother chatted with someone she knew, it was taking time away from my day. Clearly, toys and television were far more important than getting to know my mother's friends. Little did I know then, one day, these friends would become friends of mine as well. All, somehow, on the way to my own happy ending.
I hope you enjoy the teaser I have posted, maybe one day, I will be able to share with the world the rest of my work. Wish me luck.
April 09, 2011
Photos
I finally have photos from Tony's visit a few weeks ago. I only wish film could capture more than just images. We sure had a blast! I swore I wouldn't post them all...and believe it or not, I didn't.
 |
| Ariba's! Drink round #1! |
 |
| Joanne and Joli at Lush |
 |
| The gang! Tony, Brian, Joanne, and Joli! I love you guys! |
 |
| Yes, how I've missed that. |
 |
| Drinks bring out the love. xoxo |
 |
| Holla for a dolla! Or..a 5? Wha? |
 |
| Love you Joles Khaks! Love you too, Tone-Tone! |
 |
| I wana kiss! From ma unny! |
 |
| It's...it's...ma unny! |
 |
| Octopus arm! Ahhh!! |
 |
| Drink round #...oh hell. Who knows. I do know I needed to hold that table up-right while I danced! |
 |
| My new favorite bar. Lush! |
 |
| Oh Tone... |
 |
| I'm a lush, what can I say? Can't be bothered for a pic! |
 |
| Oh geez, Brian! |
 |
| I make that bufanda look good! |
 |
| Arab chic! |
 |
| Don't leave home...er...the gay bar without one! |
Still
I've been thinking about things lately, where I've been, where I am now, and everything in between. Life has been no slice of cake, I'm sure anyone can vouch for that. I've always wanted to write a book, and whenever the topic comes up, I swear I have nothing to write about, and there would be no one who wants to read it. Instead, I find blogging is a good release for me, a sort of outlet where I can tell my stories, as horrific as they may be, and I never have to see the reader's face. Laughter, disappointment, fear, empathy, it's all on the other side of a computer screen, far away from me, just how I like it.
This evening, I was listening to Macy Gray, that woman really sings from her soul. She has a song, it was never all that popular, called "Still", and there are days I wonder if this woman was a fly on the wall in my previous relationship. Not many people know much about the things that transpired with my ex-husband, it's not that I'm afraid to talk about it, I just prefer not to think about what a scum bag he turned out to be. It must be the season, the time of year that gets me thinking about him. I was reading through my old blog posts and almost a year ago I wrote this. Though years have passed, the scars still remain inside and out, and he's the reason behind them. The things I put up with were outrageous, if I ever saw someone go through the things I did, I would deem them crazy. As much pain as I went through being with him, it never seemed to be enough to make me want to leave. Something about him held me in a trance, he hit me, called me names, he was rarely sober, he constantly lied and cheated, and yet I was the one making excuses-not him. I somehow justified the things he did, even though he was the wrong. Then, you couldn't have told me that.
What was it about this one guy that held me so grounded to him? I still don't know, nearly 10 years later, why I just couldn't seem to get away. His voice was so smooth, his touch was electrifying, he was so experienced and was everything I thought I wanted. The mere thought of ever spending a day without him was enough to send me into a full on panic attack. I tried to leave, I swear I did, but something always brought me back. I thought I was in love, I thought he was meant for me. He was a chameleon, he could be the classiest guy in the room, when he wanted to, he could treat me like a royal princess. However, when he wanted to, he could be the biggest loser I've ever met.
Leaving him wasn't easy, but I did it. Eventually. When there wasn't enough make-up to cover up the bruises, not enough time off of work to let them heal, I knew I couldn't take anymore. The final blow ended me in the emergency room, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Hiding out, dodging his phone calls, filing divorce paperwork, it was an absolute mess. I was out of excuses, I ran out of lies and justifications. Still, after fearing for my life, I caved. I saw him, I talked to him on the phone, I told myself I was getting closure, but I was really hurting myself more and more each time. Thank Heaven for the justice system, or I don't know that I would have ever had the strength to make the right choices and truly distance myself. I went through the motions, knowing deep down inside what I needed and what I wanted weren't always the same thing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
Clearly, life has moved on. I met my knight in shining armor, he whisked me away to a lifetime of happiness. We have the most beautiful children, a happy home, and more love than I ever dreamed of knowing. I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm content. I don't wonder what things would have been like, or could have been like if I stayed. I already know. If I hadn't left, I never would have made it to where i am today, and where I am today makes me proud-someone loves me just the way I am, scars and all.
Still - Macy Gray
In my last year with him there were bruises on my face
In my dawn and new day
I finally got away
But my head's all messed up and he knows just what to say
No more dawn and new days
I'm goin back to stay
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby and it's much to much
We are going down
Cause you're always getting high
And your crumbs of loving
No longer get me by
Wow, it gets better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of loving
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
Can't I go my severed way?
Some rain for my sunny day
Not even one reason to stay
Why, I should've left you
Why, I can't fogetcha baby
Why, ever since I metcha it's
Why
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby it's much too much
This evening, I was listening to Macy Gray, that woman really sings from her soul. She has a song, it was never all that popular, called "Still", and there are days I wonder if this woman was a fly on the wall in my previous relationship. Not many people know much about the things that transpired with my ex-husband, it's not that I'm afraid to talk about it, I just prefer not to think about what a scum bag he turned out to be. It must be the season, the time of year that gets me thinking about him. I was reading through my old blog posts and almost a year ago I wrote this. Though years have passed, the scars still remain inside and out, and he's the reason behind them. The things I put up with were outrageous, if I ever saw someone go through the things I did, I would deem them crazy. As much pain as I went through being with him, it never seemed to be enough to make me want to leave. Something about him held me in a trance, he hit me, called me names, he was rarely sober, he constantly lied and cheated, and yet I was the one making excuses-not him. I somehow justified the things he did, even though he was the wrong. Then, you couldn't have told me that.
What was it about this one guy that held me so grounded to him? I still don't know, nearly 10 years later, why I just couldn't seem to get away. His voice was so smooth, his touch was electrifying, he was so experienced and was everything I thought I wanted. The mere thought of ever spending a day without him was enough to send me into a full on panic attack. I tried to leave, I swear I did, but something always brought me back. I thought I was in love, I thought he was meant for me. He was a chameleon, he could be the classiest guy in the room, when he wanted to, he could treat me like a royal princess. However, when he wanted to, he could be the biggest loser I've ever met.
Leaving him wasn't easy, but I did it. Eventually. When there wasn't enough make-up to cover up the bruises, not enough time off of work to let them heal, I knew I couldn't take anymore. The final blow ended me in the emergency room, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Hiding out, dodging his phone calls, filing divorce paperwork, it was an absolute mess. I was out of excuses, I ran out of lies and justifications. Still, after fearing for my life, I caved. I saw him, I talked to him on the phone, I told myself I was getting closure, but I was really hurting myself more and more each time. Thank Heaven for the justice system, or I don't know that I would have ever had the strength to make the right choices and truly distance myself. I went through the motions, knowing deep down inside what I needed and what I wanted weren't always the same thing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
Clearly, life has moved on. I met my knight in shining armor, he whisked me away to a lifetime of happiness. We have the most beautiful children, a happy home, and more love than I ever dreamed of knowing. I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm content. I don't wonder what things would have been like, or could have been like if I stayed. I already know. If I hadn't left, I never would have made it to where i am today, and where I am today makes me proud-someone loves me just the way I am, scars and all.
Still - Macy Gray
In my last year with him there were bruises on my face
In my dawn and new day
I finally got away
But my head's all messed up and he knows just what to say
No more dawn and new days
I'm goin back to stay
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby and it's much to much
We are going down
Cause you're always getting high
And your crumbs of loving
No longer get me by
Wow, it gets better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of loving
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
Can't I go my severed way?
Some rain for my sunny day
Not even one reason to stay
Why, I should've left you
Why, I can't fogetcha baby
Why, ever since I metcha it's
Why
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby it's much too much
Show and Tell
Yesterday was supposed to be show and tell Friday, but since I was so busy, I've decided to do it today instead! Today's show and tell item is something I hold dear to my hert, it's onoe of the only things left from my wedding besides photographs, and I get to look at it every day.
The day before my wedding, we had the rehersal, and every bride needs a bouquet! This was my practice bouquet, and I love it! Fake, yes, but it has lasted nearly 5 years and it still looks the same as it did the day I got it! My dear, sweet husband is allergic to real flowers, so this makes the perfect addition to my bedroom, and the perfect excuse for him to never have to buy me any! The vase is, sadly, the only one I own, but it serves its purpose nicely. It sits in my bedroom behind a set of 3 photographs from our wedding, and is a daily reminder of this beautiful life I chose.
April 07, 2011
Making Strides
Bedtime seems to have been a struggle in this house for as long as I can remember. Laila used to fight with me to the point we would both be in tears, I remember her being nearly 2 years old before she finally fell asleep without being held, or having somone right next to her until she was in a deep sleep.
Kenadi started out just fine, I swore I'd never fall back into the same routine as I did with Laila-as much as I wanted another child, I still wanted my freedom. Things seemed just fine as long as Kenadi was in her crib, she would eat a bottle, fall asleep, and I'd put her down. Once I took the bottle away, we started having our problems. I let her lay on the couch with me until she fell asleep, and if I tried moving her before she was out cold, she would start crying and screaming. I was finally so tired of fighting with her, I let her lay in my room until she fell asleep, watching Twilight, or, "Edward", as she calls it.
A little over a week ago, I went in my room to pick up Kenadi and put her to bed and she was still awake, it was close to midnight! I threw a fit, I couldn't stand one more night of having to wait to go to bed myself because my 2 year old wasn't sleeping yet and she was in my bed! I told Dustin this had to stop, cold turkey, no matter what. The first few days, Dustin was home to put her to bed and for some reason, she does so much better for him. Minimal crying, compared to what I expected, so I was pleased. It's been over a week now and she's still fighting bedtime. We have a pretty strict routine, but it just seems tha no matter how I say it, she still screams at my goodnights. On a normal night, we eat dinner, play a bit, get a bath or shower, put on jammies, and read a story. Tonight, I let the girls each pick one book, they get in bed and I read them whatever books were picked out, I give them each lovings and say my goodnights. Usually, I can't even tell Kenadi goodnight without a scream fest, if I get a kiss, I'm lucky.
Tonight, though she's gotten out of bed a few times to potty, she's been quiet, happy, and hasn't cried! I'm almost in tears myself, I'm so happy! When I first walked out of her room, she let out a few sobs, but she has remained quiet and in bed, and I couldn't be more thrilled. We might not be exactly where we want to be, but little steps will eventually get us there. I am hoping for another good night tomorrow, sticking to a routine has helped, but nobody's perfect. One day, I know we'll get there, until then, we'll continue making strides in our journey of life.
Kenadi started out just fine, I swore I'd never fall back into the same routine as I did with Laila-as much as I wanted another child, I still wanted my freedom. Things seemed just fine as long as Kenadi was in her crib, she would eat a bottle, fall asleep, and I'd put her down. Once I took the bottle away, we started having our problems. I let her lay on the couch with me until she fell asleep, and if I tried moving her before she was out cold, she would start crying and screaming. I was finally so tired of fighting with her, I let her lay in my room until she fell asleep, watching Twilight, or, "Edward", as she calls it.
A little over a week ago, I went in my room to pick up Kenadi and put her to bed and she was still awake, it was close to midnight! I threw a fit, I couldn't stand one more night of having to wait to go to bed myself because my 2 year old wasn't sleeping yet and she was in my bed! I told Dustin this had to stop, cold turkey, no matter what. The first few days, Dustin was home to put her to bed and for some reason, she does so much better for him. Minimal crying, compared to what I expected, so I was pleased. It's been over a week now and she's still fighting bedtime. We have a pretty strict routine, but it just seems tha no matter how I say it, she still screams at my goodnights. On a normal night, we eat dinner, play a bit, get a bath or shower, put on jammies, and read a story. Tonight, I let the girls each pick one book, they get in bed and I read them whatever books were picked out, I give them each lovings and say my goodnights. Usually, I can't even tell Kenadi goodnight without a scream fest, if I get a kiss, I'm lucky.
Tonight, though she's gotten out of bed a few times to potty, she's been quiet, happy, and hasn't cried! I'm almost in tears myself, I'm so happy! When I first walked out of her room, she let out a few sobs, but she has remained quiet and in bed, and I couldn't be more thrilled. We might not be exactly where we want to be, but little steps will eventually get us there. I am hoping for another good night tomorrow, sticking to a routine has helped, but nobody's perfect. One day, I know we'll get there, until then, we'll continue making strides in our journey of life.
April 06, 2011
My Husband
Normally, I don't just sit and write about my husband and how great he is, but today, I think he deserves it. With the craptastic news we received from the doctor's office this morning about our son, I have been a complete and total wreck. I must have started at least a dozen different chores around the house and not a one is complete. When he gets home tonight, he's going to take care of the kids, tuck them into their beds, pick up after them, and me. He's not going to complain dinner's not on the table waiting, he will offer to go get me something if I'm hungry-even though he's been gone and stressed all day as well, and he might even help with the chores.
When my phone rang this afternoon, I rushed off into our bedroom so I wouldn't be interrupted. I almost instantly broke down in tears, before the doctor even told me his diagnosos, I just knew. As I turned around, expecting to be alone, he was standing there. I didn't even hear him come in, but there he was, my prince, my knight in shining armor. When I think about my friends, my family, and who I turn to when I'm hurting, he is always my number one. Whether I'm excited or scared, happy or sad, he's there for me. No questions asked, he's by my side. If I want to talk, cry, laugh, or just sit in the silence, there's no one else I want to be with but him. He may never know it, but he's my everything.
When my phone rang this afternoon, I rushed off into our bedroom so I wouldn't be interrupted. I almost instantly broke down in tears, before the doctor even told me his diagnosos, I just knew. As I turned around, expecting to be alone, he was standing there. I didn't even hear him come in, but there he was, my prince, my knight in shining armor. When I think about my friends, my family, and who I turn to when I'm hurting, he is always my number one. Whether I'm excited or scared, happy or sad, he's there for me. No questions asked, he's by my side. If I want to talk, cry, laugh, or just sit in the silence, there's no one else I want to be with but him. He may never know it, but he's my everything.
Just Call Me Thomas
Recently, life has thrown me a curve ball I've been expecting, but wasn't fully prepared for. They say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Apparently, I've lost the recipe.
When Dustin Jr. was born, he had a dimple on his lower back called mylelomeningocele, or a fancy term for spina bifida. You can read my post about it here. I was pretty shaken up back then, but the hospital's pediatrician and my family doctor didn't seem concerned enough about it to schedule any tests, so it was pushed to the back burner. At Dustin's 6 month check-up they looked at the dimple again and decided it needed to be referred to a specialist. We took him to Phoenix Children's Hospital for an MRI last month and finally received the results over the phone today. I knew all along the end result would be surgery, but I prayed he would be fine and maybe everyone had overreacted.
My heart was broken today as the doctor confirmed he would need surgery to fix the sacral dimple. In my opinion, he's going to the best hospital possible, and he's going to be in the care of one of the world's best neurological surgeons. Still, somehow, that doesn't ease my pain. The doctor went over the procedure with is, it's a very common surgery and lasts less than an hour. Because it is spinal surgery, they will keep him for two to three days to watch for leakage and to ensure the incision closes properly. The surgery will be scheduled by phone tomorrow, and when I know the date, I will know exactly how much time I have left to stress out until the big day.
Even as I sit here and explain it, I can't wrap my head around it. My son, my sweet little boy, needs surgery. He's so perfect, so handsome and lovable, how could this have happened to him? I wake up each morning and thank God for my blessings, the health of my family, my friends, and the things I have in my life. I know we are so very fortunate to have such a healthy, beautiful family despite Laila's diabetes, and this too will pass. My plate is so full already, I wonder how I can handle just one more thing; I have to take each day as it comes, and this is more than I ever expected having to handle. Without the support everyone has given me so far, I wouldn't be where I am today. Tomorrow's just another day, just like today, and I will get through it-as least I think I can. Just call me Thomas- "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
When Dustin Jr. was born, he had a dimple on his lower back called mylelomeningocele, or a fancy term for spina bifida. You can read my post about it here. I was pretty shaken up back then, but the hospital's pediatrician and my family doctor didn't seem concerned enough about it to schedule any tests, so it was pushed to the back burner. At Dustin's 6 month check-up they looked at the dimple again and decided it needed to be referred to a specialist. We took him to Phoenix Children's Hospital for an MRI last month and finally received the results over the phone today. I knew all along the end result would be surgery, but I prayed he would be fine and maybe everyone had overreacted.
My heart was broken today as the doctor confirmed he would need surgery to fix the sacral dimple. In my opinion, he's going to the best hospital possible, and he's going to be in the care of one of the world's best neurological surgeons. Still, somehow, that doesn't ease my pain. The doctor went over the procedure with is, it's a very common surgery and lasts less than an hour. Because it is spinal surgery, they will keep him for two to three days to watch for leakage and to ensure the incision closes properly. The surgery will be scheduled by phone tomorrow, and when I know the date, I will know exactly how much time I have left to stress out until the big day.
Even as I sit here and explain it, I can't wrap my head around it. My son, my sweet little boy, needs surgery. He's so perfect, so handsome and lovable, how could this have happened to him? I wake up each morning and thank God for my blessings, the health of my family, my friends, and the things I have in my life. I know we are so very fortunate to have such a healthy, beautiful family despite Laila's diabetes, and this too will pass. My plate is so full already, I wonder how I can handle just one more thing; I have to take each day as it comes, and this is more than I ever expected having to handle. Without the support everyone has given me so far, I wouldn't be where I am today. Tomorrow's just another day, just like today, and I will get through it-as least I think I can. Just call me Thomas- "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
April 01, 2011
Show and Tell!
It's April! Spring is in the air, the temperatures are nearing the 100's already, and I am already feeling confined to my house! Lovely!
I've decided to start a new set of posts for the month of April! Each Friday will be "show and tell" day! I hope you enjoy what I choose to show and tell you about!
I've decided to start a new set of posts for the month of April! Each Friday will be "show and tell" day! I hope you enjoy what I choose to show and tell you about!
Crayons! And not just any old crayons! My crayons! I happen to love Crayola crayons, and in case you were wondering, I don't share. I have my own personal box of 120 crayons hidden up high in my closet. On the rare occasion I sit down to color with the girls, I take out my crayons and make it very clear they are not for sharing! The girls have easily doube the amount of crayons I have, and the way they use and abuse them, you can't blame me for wanting to keep their little sausage fingers off of these!
All those pretty, pointy tips! They make me so happy! Did I mention the smell? When I open that box of crayons, and I get that first whiff, I know they're Crayola, and I get the biggest smile on my face! They have such a distincive smell, it brings me back to my childhood when I once dressed as a red Crayola for Halloween! Wait, did I just say that?
120 crayons is a lot to choose from, but this one is my favorite. Can anyone guess what color it is? Yes, clearly, it's brown, but not just any brown. Sepia. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's it, that's the one lucky crayon out of the bunch that's been selected to be my favorite!
I hope you enjoyed show and tell for today, I hope you return next Friday to see what item will be featured!
8 Months
It's so hard to believe 8 months have come and gone, and my son is quickly approaching a year old! He's the sweetest baby I've had yet, and my girls are pretty darn sweet!
He doesn't have teeth yet, but that doesn't stop him from eating! I have slowly stopped feeding him baby food, though he does love yogurt! He was eating in the upwards of 4-5 jars of food a day, and it was getting quite costly! Now, though he still has a few bottles throughout the day to supplement, he's doing great feeding himself and eating almost everything we do. He's such a handsome little boy, and those big, blue eyes make it hard to get mad when he makes a mess! Take a look and see for yourself!
He doesn't have teeth yet, but that doesn't stop him from eating! I have slowly stopped feeding him baby food, though he does love yogurt! He was eating in the upwards of 4-5 jars of food a day, and it was getting quite costly! Now, though he still has a few bottles throughout the day to supplement, he's doing great feeding himself and eating almost everything we do. He's such a handsome little boy, and those big, blue eyes make it hard to get mad when he makes a mess! Take a look and see for yourself!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
