Blinded by Coupons

I have trouble sleeping, there's no getting around it. I'm up 3-4 times each night, I have nightmares, and I have yet to find a sleep aid that works. Last night was no exception. I had the strangest dreams and woke up in a complete panic, I hate when they're so real you aren't sure you were ever asleep to begin with.

My baby shower is in one week, and though I haven't had to lift a finger, I'm still stressed. Last night, I was even dreaming about the people who may or may not show up, and if they'll even enjoy themselves. So the dream begins, and my friends arrive to set up. We are having a diaper raffle and I realize too late we have no raffle tickets, so I offer to use my coupons. Why, I have no idea, if you know me, you know the only way I part with my coupons is if I'm spending them! Anyway, I set the pack of coupons on the table and rub my eyes, and when I open them, all I see is black. I am completely blind, and in a total disaray. How could this have happened, any why right now? I'll never get to see my girls grow up, and I'll never see my baby's face. What a nightmare, I was so terrified I woke up drenched in sweat and with severe cotton mouth.

I am glad to say I have shaken it off, but the threat has never seemed more real, the thought of something going wrong. I started reading a new book, a book about motherless mothers. I was only able to make it through the first few pages before putting it down, it hit really close to home and touched on things I've never let myself think about before. My actions toward my kids, my own health and theirs, is a direct reflection of losing my mother so young in my life. Not only do I want to see every milestone, I want them to know I am there for every event in their lives. Having my mom "with me always" is different than having her to talk to, ask for advice, hug, and tell her I love her. I want my children to grow up with me by their side to wipe away the tears and pick up the broken pieces. I understand heartbreak isn't something I can shelter them from, but I can be there waiting with a tissue to help ease the pain.

Never, ever, have I blamed my mom for what happened. She had cancer, it was inevitable. There is a part of me, however, that will always wonder how it could have been different. Not just for me, but for everyone involved. The answers that are missing haunt my dreams, and my daily life. The choices she made seem selfish, stupid, lazy even, and the consequences were more than anyone expected. My heart aches for the suffering my mom endured, and the pain no one could stop. I hear it in my family's voices when they talk about her, I know everyone feels like they got the short end of the stick, who wouldn't, but I have tried my hardest to let this be a lesson. I take lots of pictures, I play with my girls, and if I feel like it, I still rock them to sleep. I tell them I love them every chance I get, and I mean it. I don't shower them with gifts at Christmas-time, but I pick up things throughout the year to let them know I think about them when I'm out. I do my best to provide them with every opportunity, even at their ages, that I can, and I never let them go to bed angry. In addition for their regular doctor visits, I make sure I schedule my own as well. I refuse to let history repeat itself on account of my fears.

I hope one day they have their own children, and I am alive and well, and a big part of their lives. I am anxious to offer advice, help with school work, hear about a first crush and help prepare for their first school dance. I don't want to rush them, if I could freeze time I probably would, but it's a learning process for the both of us. It may be a bumpy ride, but another lesson I've learned is to always wear my seatbelt.

Maybe One Day

I feel as though I haven't had much to write about lately, my life feels mundane, boring. I don't get excited about anything anymore, it's just a waiting game. Waiting to feel better. Waiting for something to change. I have tried to be the change I want to see, but I'm tired. Not sleepy, not drowsy-tired. I give and give, my requests in return are small, but somehow always overlooked. Please, I beg, take the empty shirt hanger and put it with the others. Put the wet towel in the basket, not next to it. Take your dirty tissue and put it in the trash, don't just leave it bunched up on the arm of the couch. No luck. Mom gets the back burner.


Today, I watched Kenadi sleep. I looked at her and wondered to myself, who is this person and why does she call me mom? I have no idea how I ended up here, I have no clue what I'm doing! I have no family here, I can't call my mom to ask for advice, so my children are being raised by trial and error. Who is to say I won't completely ruin their lives? If I'm 25 and I still don't have any idea who I am or what I want, how do I know what's best for them? I just pray for some guidance. Maybe one day.

Last Day of Preschool

When I was pregnant with Laila, I knew it was the start of something great. I had high hopes, and even higher expectations. She was going to break the mold, I just knew it. What I didn't know then, was how hard it would be for me to watch. Every day between now and then she has grown, something I didn't think about then, and I'm fully unprepared for.

Today marks the very last day Laila will attend preschool. Her graduation is Saturday, May 22, and I'm a nervous wreck. She's far beyond ready for kindergarten, I could have enrolled her last year if she were old enough and she would have done fine, but her age didn't permit. Now she's old enough, and she will start school in the fall. If you ask me, I don't know how this happened, where the time has gone, or how to get it to slow down.

As I sit here, I think of all the "firsts" we've been through together, her first step, word, hair-cut, friend, move...and her first day of school. Now we've reached another set of firsts, or lasts, depending on how you look at it. Today was her last day of preschool, but her first step toward becoming the woman I have always dreamed for her to be. She may be finished with preschool, but we will have a new first right around the corner, her first day of kindergarten is just months away.

To say I'm proud of her would be an understatement, she's done amazing in everything she's tried. She's truly set an example for her sister, and soon, her brother too. She's learned so much in such a short period of time, she's not even 5, and she's a great teacher as well. In my book, she's truly broken the mold.

One of THOSE Days

I am having another one of "those" days. The kind where hearing someone breathe is enough to make me want to rip my hair out. Not that I have any intention of going bald, but something has to give. I am stressed, tired, anxious, you name it. I am not sure why I feel this way, but these days are increasing rapidly. I have such a hard time figuring out why I'm so angry all the time, and placing my anger in the wrong place has become a common pass time of mine. Not my idea of a good time.

When it rains, it pours. I've hear that so many times it makes me sick. I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, yet I'm still a bundle of anger and rage. I find myself struggling to even be nice to my own kids and husband sometimes. Taking time away from them doesn't seem to help, instead of helping me to be thankful for them, it makes me more aware of the things that irritate me when I get back home. It's great to get a break, but when you come home to find the exact same mess you left, the same laundry waiting to be washed, the same dishes waiting to be clean, it gets a bit old. How on earth women did this years ago without half the technology we have today, I will never understand.

Yesterday, I wished to myself that for just one day the housework would do itself, the kids would change, feed, and bathe themselves, and I could just sleep. Sleep sounds so good right now, I'd consider losing a limb for just a few solid uninterrupted hours. I've tried the sleeping pills, turning the monitor off, drinking warm tea, and nothing seems to help. My doctor is out of ideas, so I must just be one of the crazies that can't get more than 3-4 hours at a time, and I'm destined to feel like garbage. I was thinking the other day about the last time I really got good sleep-you know the kind, where you wake up and don't even know what day it is anymore. Sadly, it's been years. I can pin-point it almost to the minute, and I haven't been able to duplicate it since.

I will keep on truckin, maybe one day I will make some headway...until then...

What to do, what to do?

Yesterday afternoon, Dustin, the girls and I were shopping at Wal*Mart when Kenadi threw up. She was coughing a dry sort of cough and couldn't stop, she threw up twice. She had a children's cough drop and was still smiling and playing as usual, so I figured she was fine. She's a kid, things happen.

Last night, it started again. She was out cold, sound asleep, and then started choking so hard she threw up twice. I was so concerned, I called my dad to ask his opinion. After raising 10 children, I was sure he'd know the answer. He just said to keep an eye on her overnight and see how she's doing in the morning. The "Urgent Care" facility in Maricopa is a joke, it closes at 6pm and doesn't take our insurance. The nearest emergency room is 20 miles away, and again, a joke. After throwing up, she passed out and had to be woke up at 9:30am, what a great night's sleep she had! Dustin and I thought she was fine, so we skipped trying to get her into the doctor.

Tonight, sound asleep, Kenadi started choking again. That same dry, nasty cough where she can't catch her breath and she throws up. This time, she only threw up once, and I think it was more spit than anything, no food or other liquids came out. She's eaten well today, had a big plate at dinner, plenty of snacks, and has no fever or other symptoms. So my dad calls and hears her choking in the background, and read me the riot act. I have never felt so bad about my parenting style and choices as I do right at this very moment. He told me I am nothing but selfish, mean, and lazy. He expects me to literally sit up all night holding Kenadi-whether she's awake or asleep-and watch her. I was then ordered to pack her up at 6:45am and bolt out the door the instant Dustin gets home and drive to her doctor's office in Casa Grande, unsure if her doctor will be able to see her, or if her doctor's even in the office, and demand she be seen. Not to mention Dustin will have been at work since 6pm tonight, he will have had no sleep, and Laila will be up soon and need caring for-I'm just supposed to leave her here with him. When I get to Casa Grande, I am to tell them exactly what's happened and get the best possible care, because there's something in her lungs that's possibly killing her.

Now, under normal circumstances, I would stay up with her all night, drive her to the doctor, pay the co-pay, and find out exactly what's going on, but I don't feel like there's anything seriously wrong. I know, I'm way under experienced with raising children, this is only my second, but a mother is a mother...and I think I'm doing a fine job. As I sit here, Kenadi is asleep, soundly, on the couch next to me. In a few minutes, I will pick her up and set her softly in her crib, and she'll probably sleep all night. Tomorrow will be another normal, cough free day, and I'm sure she'll be fine. So, what do I do? Try to get her into the doctor tomorrow, on the off chance this happens again? Or stay home, and stick with my gut instincts?

When you're a mother, your child is your number one priority, and I think that goes for every single minute of every single day, so why is it someone can walk in and say some hurtful words and make me feel like this? I live for these kids, and no one will make me feel like I'm not doing my best. Damn it, I do the best I can every minute of every day, because it's my job. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

What a Week!

This past week my dad has been here. It's been a crazy week, we've been so busy I haven't had time to blog and catch up on everything we did! It had its up's and down's, but we made it through. I am sad to see him leave today, but relieved at the same time. Things will slowly go back to normal and we can prepare for our new arrival, just 11 weeks away!

Monday my dad arrived and I was extremly sick, so we waited to do anything until I felt better. He did sit and read to the girls, something he's done almost non stop since he got here! Laila has a reading chart for school, she is required to read at least 3 days a week, I think she's had my dad read to her 3 times a day every day this week! It was sweet watching the girls listen to some of my favorite storeies when I was little. On Tuesday, Laila had school and we went and enjoyed lunch and some playtime at McDonalds. No photos to show from that, but I'm sure you have all seen the inside of a McDonalds playplace.

Wednesday, we went to the Phoenix Zoo! What a blast we had! We saw some of our favorite animals, and despite the heat, still had a wonderful time! The splash pads were both closed, there were a few schools touring the zoo so they had them roped off, but we made the best of it anyway. The girls loved looking at all the animals, and I managed to survive the heat! Kenadi had her first ride on the carousel, and she screamed when it was time to get off!

Since the splash pads were closed we pulled the little pool out for the girls to play in once we got home. They squealed and laughed so hard, who would have thought a $10 investement would bring them such joy! Apply a little sun screen, throw a couple empty water bottles in there and you've got it made! They spent a good hour in the sun, and Laila has asked to play in the pool every day since! Since they didn't get sunburned in the pool, we decided to take a walk down to the park before it got too dark out to play. Laila's now riding her big girl bike with training wheels, it took her an entire year after we bought it for her to be able to peddle it, I guess we got the wrong size! Anyway, she rode her bike down to the park while I pushed Kenadi in the stroller and my dad and I chatted. The park down the street from us has a huge open field, so we let the girls run around and play, it was nice and relaxing. Thankfully the heat was below 90 degrees and none of us felt like we would die of heat stroke by the time we made it halfway down the block!

Thursday Laila had school again, and Dustin had to work, so my dad, the girls and I all went out to dinner at Applebees. It was nice to have a night off from cooking and to spend some time with my dad and the girls. We had a gift card so even after ordering a meal for each of us (one for the girls to share), a beer for my dad, and appetizer for me, it only cost us $20 cash! Tip included! It was a nice dinner, and the girls were so well behaved, I didn't even put Kenadi in a high chair!

Friday morning we got up bright and early and headed to the AZ Science Center. There must have been 10 school busses there, and the kids were shoving past us to get in the door. I should have taken that into consideration before we went in, but I figured we'd brave the crowd and see what all the hype was about. Unfortunately, it turned out to be so packed it was almost elbow to elbow at every exhibit on every floor. There really wasn't much for the kids to do, it's aimed at older, school aged kids, but now we know. There was one exhibit that was really neat, if you look closely, you can spot my dad. It was a big platform and it took you through the weather changes over the United States, rain, earthquakes, heat-poork Kenadi didn't care for the earthquake too much, but it was all in good fun and learning. We did have a nice time, and the drive to Phoenix wasn't as bad as I remember. Maybe it was the company.

Saturday we had a cookout with a bunch of our friends. It was a really nice time, there was plenty of food and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. The kids all played and had fun, it was really nice to get to see everyone and to let everyone really get to mingle. It's tough with Dustin working midnights for him to get to meet other dads, so it was nice to have him home for a change. Sunday, Mother's Day, was just another day. I did receive my very first gift that I didn't have a part in helping to make! Laila's preschool helped all the kids make two gifts for their moms, and she was sweet enough to keep them hidden for me so they were really a surprise! It was enough to make me cry, pregnant or not. I was really missing my mom yesterday, so I spent the day cooking and baking to remember her. I made pierogi for lunch, and we had kolachky for dessert. The two hours I spent baking them last night must have been worth it, there are maybe a dozen left! They never taste as good as I remember hers tasting, but it's still nice to remember her that way.

Today, my dad went home. It was bittersweet, as always. I love having him here, but this house is a bit tight when you add another adult. I always feel like when he's here I have to completely change my routine around and it always seems to take a few days to get back on track, but we always have such great memories that it seems worth it. Today after Kenadi woke up form her nap she wandered around calling out, "Pa-Pa?", it breaks my heart. The girls get so attached to quickly, it seems like his stay is never long enough. However, my life is what it is now, with my husband and children, and adding grandpa into the mix sometimes makes it a bit tense. I love my dad to pieces, and I'm so fortunate to have him in our lives. I thank him every day for all he does for us. He is now home safe, and we are doing our best to get back to the daily grind. Until next time...

Coupons

I suppose I should start sounding a little more up-beat in these posts...so here I go.


Today I went grocery shopping with the girls and I am super proud of my savings! I was able to buy everything I normally buy, some things I don't, and still save a ton! I am not a big fan of Fry's, but it sure beats the prices at Basha's and the selection at Wal*Mart.


I have a budget for my grocery bill, as I'm sure everyone does. I'm no coupon fanatic, and I buy what I need when I need it. We have a family of 4, with 2 growing children, and Dustin works midnights, so I have to buy accordingly. It can be difficult at times, cooking a meal for him to take as dinner, when I already cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the girls and myself. I've noticed an increase in the food bill, but it's a lot cheaper than having Dustin buy food every night he works! Today, my budget was $150.00, now, this is my budget for 3 weeks of food for 4 people, including the extra meals for Dustin to take to work (which equals about 12 extra dinners in 3 weeks). I admit, I overspent, but with my in-store savings and coupons, I spent just under $180-my bill before savings and coupons, just under $300! That's my kind of shopping! I felt so good, I bought myself a soda pop and donated a dollar to the March of Dimes. I am also working on stocking up the neat shelves in the garage Dustin built for me, it's getting there, and it definitally helps cut down on the things I regularly buy when I stock up when the price is right!


I also went to Walgreens today to pick up some body wash and tissue, that was another phenomenal shopping experience! I purchased 2 gallons of AZ Iced Tea, 3 (60 ct.) boxes of Puffs Tissue With Lotion, 2 Old Spice Deordant, 2 Gilette Men's Body Wash, 1 Nivea Body wash, 1 tube of Crest Pro Effects toothpaste, and 1 (3pk) of Bic Soliel Disposable Razors. My total before coupons and in store savings was just under $50, after coupons and in store savings, I spent just under $18! What a deal! My total savings was $31.53! That, to me, is amazing. Dustin has so much body wash and deordant he wont have to buy any until next year, I'm sure! I do plan to go pick up a few more of those Gilette body washes though, you actually MAKE over a dollar when you buy 2, so it allows for you to purchase something else for a dollar for free, how wild is that?!


Tomorrow, my dad comes to visit for an entire week. I don't know how we're all going to stand being in this one small house together for that long, but I'm sure we'll manage. I'm looking forward to it, hormomal or not. I've planned some fun outings for us, I hope he really enjoys his visit. We have a trip planned to the Phoneix Zoo, The Arizona Science Center, and a big cookout toward the end of his trip. He'll even be here for Mother's Day, maybe I'll get to sneak away for a shower alone this week, wouldn't that be a great gift!


Stay tuned, and see you all again soon. Goodnight.

Something's Missing

The day has come to an end. Here I sit, alone again, in the same spot I sit every night and reflect on my day, my life, and my choices. What could I have done differently, and what am I proud of.

Tonight, I'm feeling empty. I really don't feel good about how I reacted to Laila this morning, I am still frustrated and just plain exhausted. She is very, very stubborn, and fighting with her takes so much energy there are days I don't think I will make it to bed time.

I promised myself I wouldn't let today beat me, so I decided some spring cleaning was in order. After dinner, I swept and mopped the kitchen. While I did that, I had Laila and Kenadi wiping down the kitchen chairs and the high chair. They are so competitive, they were done in no time. It was nice to have one less chore to finish tonight, too.

Now the girls are in bed and I'm sitting here alone. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I'm homesick, lonely, and sad. I have a great support system, I have friends who care about me, 2 daughters that think the world of me, and a husband who loves me. Still, I feel like some days something is missing. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know what it is, but something. I have a wonderful house, beautiful kids, an amazing marriage, everything I could dream of, what's my problem? I ask myself this on a regular basis and never have an answer for myself.

I know moving home is not the answer, I was there in December and wanted to rip my face off. The cold weather, the old shops that never change, the same people and the same sour taste in my mouth, obviously not what I'm searching for. We're about to have baby number three in less than 3 months, and I don't feel as though he's the missing piece either. Laila and Kenadi are just amazing, smart, beautiful bundles of joy I am so happy to have in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love Dustin, more than anything, and our relationship continues to blossom every day. I know he loves me, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I have everything I've ever asked for, so what is making me feel so terrible. I hate this feeling, I hate talking about it even more because I feel like everyone's judging me.

No one is perfect, I know that. I don't expect to feel 100% every minute of ever day, but some relief would be nice.

World's Worst Mother

I just can't take it anymore. This morning, Laila pushed me to the limit, and I am just at my wits end. I don't know what to do with myself. I am sitting here, in tears, thinking about the hatred I saw in my daughter's eyes, and wonder how it ever got there. Clearly, it must be from me.

This morning started like any other morning, even though I prayed before I went to sleep things would be different, even for 5 minutes today. Every day seems like the worst day of my life. I wonder what curve ball she'll throw at me, how I'll dodge it, and why in the world she's doing this.

I officially lost my cool this morning. Every little thing has set me off, and she's being so deliberate about her behavior, I just couldn't take it. I've taken away her toys, the tv, playdates, and nothing. I put her in her room and she just screams and gets into things, I can't stand there and watch her to make sure she's sitting quietly on her bed, so I resorted to the corner. Now, you would think that's a pretty self explainatory punishment, you stand there and be quiet. Trust me, even Laila finds a way to misbehave. She was looking around, playing with the blinds, kicking her legs, inside of 5 minutes she got yelled at 3 times. What gives around here?

Dustin tells me all the time how Laila is an exact mirror of me. This sent me into a depression unlike any other. If she's like me, and all I can see is hatred in her eyes, what example is it I'm giving her? He tells me all the time she has my attutide, she's stubborn and mean, and she'll do whatever she wants no matter the cost. She's received some pretty severe spankings, and you would think after enough of those, she'd shape up. Nada. I wish I had the money to hire a therapist, or just to send her to family for a week, or even a day. Everyone tells me how wonderful she is, it gets old. Fast. I feel like a complete and total failure.

It has been now over an hour since I placed her in the corner. She is so mean and stubborn, she refuses to answer me or give me the time of day. What kind of monster have I created? What 4 year old would rather stand in the corner and do nothing all day then just spit out a stupid answer and be on her way? I am just baffled by this. I am in total shock by her behavior. I am really out of answers here.

The part that's the most frustrating is hearing everyone else tell me what I need to be doing with her. I'm sorry, but everyone else's child is not perfect either. I've seen it all-kids that hit, bite, talk back, scream and fight over nothing, even tell their parents they hate them at the age of 5 years old. This will NOT be Laila. I will not allow it. And these are the parents offering ME the parenting advice! Right, let me get right on that. So, it seems, she'll be spending a fair amount of time in the corner. Such is life, I guess. If she wants to be stubborn, and she learned it from me, she's got another thing coming.

And the word for world's WORST MOTHER goes to...yup, you guessed it. Me.