Day 12 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I don't really have much to say about today's photo choice. It seems pretty self explanitory to me!

Day 12 - A picture of something you love...



I love to sleep, it's one of my favorite pass-times. The only thing better than sleep? Sleeping on clean bed sheets! So, as pictured above, I love clean bed sheets! I love sleeping on clean bed sheets! I just washed mine today and I'm getting mighty tired over here...

Day 11 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This seemed like it would be an easy thing to choose, considering everyone has their own dislikes and things they just can't stand. But hate-it's such a strong word, I had to be very, very careful. So, after careful consideration not to offend anyone or make a blanket statement I didn't want to defend, I picked something light-hearted and fun. If you know me, you probably already knew this was coming. Call me neurotic, but I really don't care.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate...

Please, tell me I'm not the only one who sees something wrong with this picture. Just looking at it makes me want to rip my face off, screaming from the bottom of my lungs. This is absolutely one of the things that can get under my skin within seconds. I just find it irresponsible, lazy, and disgusting. In my house, you're lucky if you're even allowed to touch my butter tub, I prefer to butter everyone's toast for them. This way, I know it's clean, and the pattern stays nice, too. Not only the crumbs and other impurities stay out of my butter tub, but it stays nice and smooth, no big craters or holes in my butter.

I found this on a blog somewhere, and I laughed out loud. That's how I knew I picked the right thing to "hate", and that my hatred wasn't limited to just myself. For those of you who can’t seem to manage the highly technical process of buttering a piece of toast, here’s a helpful tip: You know that rule about double dipping? Well it also applies to butter and your crusty little bread crumb covered knife. There you have it folks, one thing I hate. Toast crumbs in my butter tub.

Day 10 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

You may be curious as to why I put this crazy picture of myself up for today, but after consulting with Dustin, he agreed I don't need any help getting myself into trouble!
 

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with...

 

 

It's true, I don't have many friends, but the ones I do are usually seated beside me while I'm doing something silly like this. Therefor, I can't choose just one person, so I chose myself! I have managed to get myself into some seriously compromising situations with no one's help on many occasions! For those of you who have assisted me in the past, thank you, I surely can't take all the credit myself.




The Secret Life of The American Teenager

Ok, I have to admit, I found a new obsession. I'm a total addict, I can't seem to peel myself away from the television! I love Netflix, it's amazing, and thanks to Dustin's PS3, I have found a new show to watch! I started a few weeks ago, watching an episode here and there, thinking it was silly. Now, I watch it daily! I can't get enough of the silly teen high school drama!

The new season is starting up again in March, and I have just a handful of episodes left before I'm current. This show is so far from reality, maybe it's just what I need, a break from the daily grind.

Day 9 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I spent quite some time thinking this morning about what exactly I would say when I chose my photo. I kept trying to justify choosing someone else, but I continued coming back to the same conclusion: there is no one else quite like my sister.

.Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most...

 

 

I used to think 13 years was almost too much of an age difference for her to ever understand me. I was convinced she had never faced the same troubles as I had, and we would never be close like the sisters you see on television.

 

I have so many memories that convince me otherwise. I may be some years younger, but we have always depended on each other, she's one of my closest confidants. I remember when my mom was sick, and even when she died, my sister was always there, and she always told me the truth. Never one time did I have to ask twice, honesty was always the first and only option. In my opinion, our relationship was strong before our lives took a turbulent hit, but the death of our mother just brought us closer.

 

She's always been a role model, even when she was away at school, work, or with her own family. My phone log is constantly filled with her number, there's nothing we can't share. I turned to her when I thought I had lost myself, and she helped me find the real me. She encourages me to live my best life, and she's never left my side. Sometimes, I'll admit, tough love was necessary, but it always brought me back to her. I've woken her up in the middle of the night, I've ran away to visit her when my life was falling apart, and I've shared my darkest desires to her, and never one time has she turned me away.

 

I know I have a life-long best friend in my sister, and I am so lucky we share the bond that we do. I know, no matter what, she'll always be there for me. And she will forever understand me when I say, "I want it that way!".

Best News!

I am not one to run around telling everyone about my finances, the troubles and hurdles my family and I overcome are personal, so this post is a bit out of the norm for me. I won't dish out any figures, but I did get some fantastic news today!

September rolled around and in the mail I found my tax statement for the year, and I almost died. Last year my statement was $120.XX, that was for the entire year, and before my property had been assessed. This year, that total had an extra 0 attached on the end! For the year, our taxes had gone up to $1000.XX In my wildest dreams, I still couldn't come up with any way to pay that amount, and in such a short amount of time. Needless to say, I have been pinching pennies and scrimping every bit of change possible, I've cut more corners than I ever thought possible.  

Today, I called to make a payment on the first half, even thought it would be late, it was a start. The sooner I started making payments, the lower the penalty dollar amount would be. Even though my name isn't on the mortage, the lady was kind enough to access my account and give me the information on my account. She said...wait for it...that my escrow account has paid my taxes! The first half of my taxes have been paid in full! Even better news, the second half of my taxes will be paid through our escrow by the due date and I will owe nothing! I can't believe it!

I haven't managed to save much, simple math will tell you about how much I have, but it's more than I have had in my account in years. I feel like it's a million bucks, even though it's barely a fraction of that. To have something to fall back on, it's a relief. It feels like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders! I can finally go to sleep knowing I will be able to provide for my family during any emergency, my bills will all be current, some even paid off, it's such a great feeling. A huge thanks goes out to my husband, who works day in and day out, to provide us with the extra pennies to scrimp. I knew one day those pennies would pay off.

Day 8 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I love days like today. I slept in, fed the kids cereal and we've managed to lay around in our pajamas all day. It's been a relatively low-key day, but with only a few laughs. Good thing today I got to choose a picture that brightened my spirits and gave us all a chuckle.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

This picture, in and of itself, is pretty dang funny. Any outsider would agree, my brother is hilarious, and this one picture is worth a thousand laughs. I have more photos from this night, we had a blast together.

My brother and I have one of those relationships where we can pick up right where we left off, whether it's been a few days or a few months. We can make any activity fun, and get a kick out of each other's company. The night this photo was taken, we baked cookies. Lots and lots of cookies. We spent hours in the kitchen baking, singing, dancing, eating and laughing. And taking silly pictures. I remember literally having to crouch over because my stomach hurt from laughing so hard, and thinking my cheeks would melt right off my face, they burned that bad. Thank heavens for cameras, they capture moments like this and make them much easier to share with others.

I'm glad I got to dig this old photo out, it reminds me of a time when things were a lot easier, or maybe just different. I love my brother to pieces, and I love the relationship we have. I wouldn't change it for a thing-I get too many good laughs out of it.


Day 7 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I'm not materliastic by any means, but I can't claim my family to be "items" of mine. It was so easy to pick this, since in my opinion, your friends don't always have to be people.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item...

I can remember the night so clearly in my mind, it was the day Lowe's opened in Benton Harbor. My mom, dad, and I went to check it out. I spotted him almost instantly when we walked in, it was around Christmastime and he was so sparkly white, sitting on a shelf near the door. I couldn't help myself, I scooped him up and put him in the cart, just like a child. Despite my mom's protests, he remained there through the duration of our shopping, and managed to follow us home that evening.
 
He and I have been inseperable since, and clearly so. He's been through hell and back, and I like to think he knows even my deepest, darkest secrets, and he's still there for me. This goofy old bear has seen me through the death of my mom, stuck with me through many miles and houses, and was a witness when I fell in love. He's forever stained with blood, sweat, and tears, and he's never once complained.
 
I sleep with my Coca-Cola bear tucked up under my arm each and every night, he's a part of me I just can't seem to part with. He reminds me of not just my mom and dad, but of myself, and that I can make it through anything. He's been burned, torn, smashed, and abused, but never lost. I've been through those same things, but somehow, I'm not lost. When all else fails, I know we have each other, and that's always been enough for me.

Day 6 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today's challenge was simple, yet so difficult at the same time. To be able to choose this photo was the hard part, but picking who the photo would be of, that was easy.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day...

Look at this photo. Really look at it. What do you see here? A little girl in a hospital bed, smiling. How often do you see that? Each hand is taped up with an iv, she spent four days there getting shot after shot, test after test, and she's still smiling.

If I could trade places with anyone for the day, it would be her. She's my hero, hands down. She holds onto a strength I only dream of having, her smile illuminates any room, an her laugh is contagious. Does she deserve to have diabetes at 5 years old-something that will last her a lifetime? Absolutely not. She didn't ask for this hand to be dealt, yet she perseveres. To be able, for one day, to give her a normal life back, to take away the pain, fear, guilt, anger, and all the other emotions she feels but won't say, I would give anything to be her. To take away the lifetime of questions, stares, and comments she'll endure, even if just for a few minutes, would give me peace of mind.

To be able to see the world through her eyes, the eyes of an innocent child, is something I feel we've all lost. To laugh over the slightest thing, to be able to fall asleep with no thoughts running through my mind, how often I miss those things. Her biggest worry is what I packed in her lunch, or if her favorite pair of jeans are clean for school. Diabetes doesn't run her life, she does. She's independent and wise beyond her years, and honestly, there are times I think I'm actually jealous. I wish I could be whimsical, carefree, and as lovely as she is, but I'm her mom, and that's enough for me.

There are many, many days I sit around and feel sorry for her. Even now, I sit here with tears streaming down my face, wondering how she'll find someone to love her the way I do, how she'll enjoy the everyday joys of growing up, or how she'll ever have children and a family one day. She doesn't know my worries, and probably never will. She's beautiful, smart, and so strong. She doesn't know any different, and probably never will. That doesn't mean she has to like it, and that doesn't make it fair. The things she doesn't say are the things that break my heart. It's hearing her suck in a quick breath when a "mosquito bite" hurts, or when a tear squeaks it's way out of the corner of her eye, those are the moments the pieces of my heart shatter into smaller and smaller pieces. Her life will be full of hills to climb and hurdles to overcome. If for just one day, I could climb those hills or jump a few hurdles for her, I would. I would give anything. 

Day 5 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

These pictures are getting harder and harder to choose. With that being said, I must have some pretty amazing memories to choose from if I struggle to pick my favorite.

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory...

I spent many months, and plenty of dollars on this day. The perfect dress, the exact bouquet, the venue I dreamed of, and my prince charming. Everything fell into place wonderfully, but I was still stressed. I had planned things down to exact second, and until the very moment this picture was taken, I'm not sure I was breathing normally.


Every girl dreams of her wedding day: hopes of her husband-to-be waiting for her with a smile, the chairs filled with guests, and the perfect vows, sealed with a kiss. I remember this day so vividly, how could I not-it was one of my favorites.



My husband-to-be waited for me with the biggest grin, the chairs were all filled with our family and friends, and we exchanged our vows, sealed with the perfect kiss. We exited down the aisle, arm in arm, and met the mayor at the end to sign our marriage certificate. It was finally official, we were husband and wife. The moment this photo was taken, I was officially Mrs. Dustin Smith! This was the moment I first wrote my name, Joli Frances Smith. It was the beginning of a lifetime, the beginning of my forever.


Day 4 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This picture was far from easy to choose. My life hasn't always been easy come, easy go, but it has been full of great memories and amazing nights. Friends, family, even strangers have played a part in many fun filled evenings over the years, but this is the one I chose.

Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night...

I have had so many great nights, so many awesome memories, how do I pick just one? Any mother would choose the birth of their child, but which one? Your first, your second, your last? That hardly seemed fair to pick just one. A wife would surely choose her wedding night, am I wrong? But that didn't seem quite right either. So I had to dig a little deeper, think a little harder about how I got to where I was today, and this seemed like the perfect place to start.

November 2, 2004 was the night this picture was taken. Dustin and I went on a trip to Rockford, IL to celebrate his birthday. We had only been dating just over 2 months, and to say I was nervous would be an understatement. It was a surprise for his birthday, we had a gorgeous hotel, dinner plans, and I even set up dessert and wine to be delivered to our room while we were eating. Dinner was delicious, the evening was flawless, and that was the night I decided in my heart I would marry this man. I knew it before, but I was never so sure as I was that night. He treated me like a lady, not just another girlfriend. He opened doors for me, ordered my dinner, and held my hand from across the table.

We have vowed to return to that place one day, it is so special to us. Getting away, going on a trip as a couple, it was a big step for both of us. Feelings I was scared to admit I had floated to the surface that night, and it will forever be one of my favorite nights.

Day 3 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today was a tough picture to choose. I don't watch much television to begin with, so what I do watch better be pretty interesting. I have Netflix, but as I've said before, I much prefer to read over watching movies, or television. I decided on a show I love to watch with my husband, and that keeps me at the edge of my seat from beginning to end.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show...

Congratulations, Sons of Anarchy. Today, you get my vote. Keep up the good work, folks.


Disney On Ice "Let's Celebrate"

Today I took the girls to see Disney On Ice "Let's Celebrate"! We had a total blast, it's an experience we don't get to have often, and they soaked up every minute of it. I was able to leave little man home with Dustin until he had to go to work, so the girls and I went alone, it was so nice to be able to have a hand for each of them to hold.

We were able to find the place just fine, paid only $5.00 for parking, and had great seats! This was Laila's second show, and Kenadi's first. The girls were so exicted, I even let them hold their own tickets once we picked them up.

The show started right on time, and we had just enough time to potty and get situated before the lights dimmed. Kenadi was scared, and cried through the first half hour! She stopped crying long enough to clap after each act, but her thumb was pretty much stationed in her mouth for a good portion of the show. The intermission was just long enough for the lines in the bathroom to dwindle down before anyone had an accident, and we were able to grab a couple drinks and some popcorn.

Laila's favorite princesses were both there, and Kenadi really enjoyed seeing the Toy Story characters. We had a nice time, even if the guy behind me talked loudly through the entire show while his son kicked my seat. It was so nice to be able to treat my kids to a day out with mom, it's a memory I hope lasts them a lifetime.



Day 2 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today's photo was an easy one for me. I knew exactly who to pick for this one, and if you know me, you'll understand why.

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest...

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Without my father, I wouldn't be here today. There were days I swore I hated him, I thought he was mean, stubborn, and just completely out of touch with reality. Now, as a parent, I realize how far out of reality I was, and what an awesome dad I really had. Our relationship has been amazing since I can remember, growing up I always referred to him as my "favorite" parent. When my mom was sick, I never saw compassion on someone's eyes like I did in my father's. The way he looked at her, how he wore his heart on his sleeve, it's always been something to look up to.

There were days I felt as though our relationship was "forced", my mom died, my brothers and sisters moved out, so my dad and I were left alone. We decided to make the best of it, but a 13 year old girl going through life's changes paired with a 67 year old man wasn't always easy. My dad supported me throughout so many different stages of my life, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.

I can't say I remember ever hearing my dad tell me I made him " mad". He used to tell me how disappointed in me he was, and that hurt so much worse. It may have hurt, but it molded me and shaped my outlook as a mother. I call my dad more than anyone, my cell phone bill is always high because I can't seem to keep from calling him throughout the day, just to hear his voice. He's open, genuine, honest, and real. He has set the bar so high for my relationship, and for my own self. He will stop at nothing to ensure my safety, stability, and happiness. I will look up to him forever, he's always going to be my hero.

My father would give me the world if he could, and in the eyes of his daughter, he already has.

30 Day Photo Challenge

I've decided to take my mind off this weight loss ordeal I've been obsessing with and try this. A former classmate of mine posted a 30 day photo challenge, each day has a new photo for a new reason. I started this on Facebook and thought I might share it here too. Today is day 1, so here goes nothing...

A picture of yourself with 20 facts...

1. I'm not sure I can list 20 things about myself that anyone will care to read.



2. I set 2 "resolutions" for myself this year, and have stuck to both so far. This is the longest I've stuck with a resolution after the new year.


3. I love to ...bake, though I rarely eat what I make, I usually send it to Dustin's work with him.


4. I would much rather read than watch tv, the books are usually better than the movie anyway.


5. I haven't been to the movie theater in years, I think it's a big capsule of germs waiting to attack the second you step foot inside.


6. I hate living in Arizona, but I doubt I'll ever leave here.


7. I am the mother of a diabetic, and I couldn't be more proud.


8. My dream is to go back to school one day and get a degree in sociology, I'd love to be a social worker.


9. I truly believe I could live off of Kit-Kats and Coca-Cola if I were ever stranded on a deserted island.


10. I have my name tattooed on my left wrist, and my husband's tattooed on my right wrist. I love them, they're my favorite tattoos.


11. I hate "the holidays" (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc). I think Hallmark makes enough money without the markup on items around that time of year.


12. I've recently become addicted to Swagbucks, and it's free! I love free!


13. I married my best friend, and each day together is better than the last.


14. I miss the fall back home, everything about it makes my heart ache.


15. I'm not sure I'll ever be happy with the way I look, but I know no matter what, my husband loves every inch of me, size 2 or 22.


16. I have a very open relationship with my dad, I can tell him anything, anytime. I hope to have that same type of relationship with my children.


17. My sister is one of my best friends, she's been through a lot with me, and we have a bond that will never be broken.


18. I never wanted children, but now I have 3, and my life sure does revolve around them.


19. My favorite movie is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I can recite almost that entire movie word for word.

20. I love to take pictures. I have very few photos of my mom and even less of her and I together. I want my children to have many memories of their lives, and our family.

12 inches

Yesterday was my weigh in, and when I got on the scale, I wasn't exactly thrilled. Not even 5 total pounds down, and I feel as though I've been starving myself for 2 weeks straight. Each weigh in, we also take measurements of parts of our body. We measure neck, chest/bust, waist/hips, and 3 places in the arm and leg. I was astonished at the total inches lost yesterday, it definitally made up for the lack of total pounds dropped!

After my fat loading, my beginning weight was 203 pounds, and I weighed in at 189 pounds yesterday! That's a grand total of 13 pounds in 2 weeks, not to shabby! I will admit though, I weighed myself again this morning and was down to 186.8, the lowest weight I've seen in years (and making my total weight loss 15 pounds)! Anyway, back to the measurements. My original measurements were enough to make me ill, I can't believe the way I've let certain things get out of control. This week, total inches lost throughout my body totaled 12 inches! I could hardly believe it! I lost inches in places I didn't even know could shrink! My neck lost a half an inch, my thigh lost two inches and my hips lost over three inches! It's almost unbelievable, but I just love it. I feel great, and I am starting to feel like my old self again.

My weigh in this morning of 186.8 put me in such a pleasant mood, I could hardly believe my eyes. My new scale alerts me when I've lost more than 2 pounds since my first weigh in (I started using it a few days ago for the first time), and it lit up this morning! How exciting! It also lets me know my BMI each time I weigh on it, and I'm very pleased to say mine has dropped from 33.2 down to 28.6! That's huge, 4.6 points! My goal is 26.8 or less, so not too out of my reach, but within the healthy range for my age and height. 

My goal weight hasn't changed, I'm just setting new, smaller goals to reach in between here and there. It feels fantastic to see the numbers dropping, getting closer to each goal I set for myself. My goal for this week is 185, and I'm so close! I have until Friday to drop another 1.8 pounds, and I'm positive I can do it! Anything below that is just icing on the cake! Mmm...cake icing...

It's so wonderful to have an encouraging husband and friends to share this with along the way. I am well on the way of my journey of weight loss and rediscovering who I am, and who I want to be! Thanks again, everyone, for the awesome words of encouragement!

Goals

Today, I had another wonderful therapy session with one of my favorite people. It opened my eyes to the facts, and I feel fantastic. Tomorrow is another weigh in, ending week 2 of the HCG diet, and I'm prepared for whatever number I see. Sure, I'd love to drop another 10 pounds, but is that realistic? No. And that's why I'm here today-I've set so many goals for myself that are unrealistic and so far out of my grasp that when I don't reach them, I feel like a failure, and go back to my old ways.

Tomorrow, my original goal was 185lbs, that's 18 pounds in 2 weeks, and even though my first week I did manage to drop 10, I think expecting an additional 8 this week is a bit much. As long as I see a loss, anything below where I was, I will be satisfied. I know I'm doing my best, giving this my 110%, and if it's working, then I'm happy. Let's not forget here, the goal I set for myself before starting this was to lose weight and get healthy! And, since I have, and am continuing to do so, I am completing my goal!

I have the most supportive husband ever, he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, just the way I am. I know he means it, so why don't I? I have been instructed to do so, in not so many words. The power of positive thinking may be the key to turning my life around. I don't want to spend every morning popping anti-depressants-every day winding myself up just enough to get out of bed and flop back down on the couch, and from there to a kitchen chair, and back again. I want to live life to the fullest, and feel good while I do it. I want to enjoy myself, my husband, and my children. I want to continue to set goals that are reachable, fun, and will make me feel fabulous when I reach them. I am awesome. I am strong. I am beautiful. I may not be a size 0, I may not even be the size I want to be, but I'm working on it. I'm doing what's best for me, myself, and I. And it's finally starting to feel good.

Little Ballerina

Thursday nights are dance class nights for Laila! This is new for both of us, and I think it may take some getting used to, but she seems to love it so far! Her dance instructor asked if she's ever taken dance before, apparently in the ballet half of the class she's far beyond her skill level! What a natural!

Tap seems much more fun for the little girls, their shoes make fun noises and they get to shake what their mommas gave them! Laila went into this class with her best friend, Kaytlyn, but is making a lot of new friends already! It's such a wonderful experience for her, I can't wait for her recital in May!

Here are a few pictures from last week:

Tickled pink!

Concentrating so hard!

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down!

Laila and Kaytlyn!

Off Day

Yesterday was sort of an "off day" for me, I was feeling exceptionally frumpy, fat, and lazy. I bought a new scale to start weighing myself daily after the "HCG" part of this diet is over, and when I stepped on it, I was shocked, and not in a good way. My last weigh in, Friday, was 193.2 pounds, so when I saw 194 I was devastated. I decided to wait it out, try again first thing in the morning after upping my water intake.

The rest of the day seemed to follow suit, I made a mess of everything I touched! I was dropping things on the floor, spilling things on the counters, and I just didn't feel up to par. To ice the crappy cake, Dustin got called in last night for this morning, a 12 hour shift on his day off! It upset our whole evening, I had to cook meals for him to take to work on short notice, and he had to get up at 4:30am. Furthermore, I had to get up with Laila and find her a ride to school so I didn't have to drag 2 sleeping children out in the cold at 7:45am. It wasn't shaping up to be a very good day.

Last night, snuggled up in bed, Dustin looked at me and told me I'm beautiful. I almost cried, had I not been so tired! It was so sincere, so genuine, and I felt like I could tackle the world. Today, my to-do list keeps growing, and I haven't managed to check off a thing. I am still in pajamas, and so are my kids. I haven't showered of brushed my hair, or my teeth. I have managed to waste a good hour on Facebook today, and Dora is on television, keeping Kenadi occupied. Underneath all my flaws, I'm beautiful, because he told me so. I constantly have to remind myself that life is only what you make of it. If he thinks I'm something special, than I better believe him. Love is what makes our world go around.

I am feeling more motivated than ever to start tackling my to-do list, I even invited a friend over for Kenadi to play with! The chores will not beat me, neither will a few pounds. I can't let a scale run my life, and I can't get discouraged when the chores aren't all finished on time. My kids are clean, fed, and healthy. My marriage is thriving in a world of failure. I am loved, and I am in love. What an amazing feeling to fall asleep to, and a great outlook to wake up with in the morning.

10!

Today was the day! My first weigh in after starting the HCG diet and boy, was I surprised! I have not even so much as licked my finger tips after touching something not "approved" on this diet, but I was still frightened the scale wouldn't reflect my hard work.

Joanne came over this morning, looking slim as usual! Toting her scale and tape measure, she was ready for me to weigh in and take my measurements. I must tell you, to say I was "pleasantly surprised" would be an understatement! After my "fat loading" and intial weight, I was hoping to see 195lbs today. When I got on the scale, I could hardly believe my eyes! The total was...

193.2 pounds!!!

I lost 10 pounds! In 5 days! I am just astonished, but so very proud! I'm not sure I can remember the last time I've seen numbers under 200, let alone close to 190! My goal for the next 2 weeks is to drop another 8 pounds with the diet, I would like to end around 185lbs or less! Once the HCG part of the diet is complete, I move to a more "atkins" style diet where I can eat more meats and add in further seasonings like oils and such. During that phase, I am free to exercise as well. I will continue to set small, but achievable goals for myself. Each goal I reach feels like I'm on top of mountain! What a great feeling!!

Thank you, again, for your support!

HCG Day 5

It has been almost 1 week since I have embarked on this journey of strict dieting, and it seems to be getting easier! Finally! Tomorrow is my first weigh in since I began, though the first 2 days were "fat loading" days, in which I probably gained weight, hopefully I lost that and plenty more!

I tried on a pair of jeans yesterday, the same jeans I wore just a week ago, and though they still fit the same through my thighs (sigh), they zipped with ease and my sides were comfortably in them. Yes! No more muffin top, no matter how slight it may have been! I paired those jeans with a hoodie I have struggled to zip for months, and had no problems getting it comfortably on! What a miracle! I am anxiously looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in.

I must admit, I have found a new obesession! I save my last piece of fruit until around 10 pm and flip on Netflix. Dustin and I have sat down to watch Dexter almost every single day this past week! We are on season one, so please don't ruin it for me with any spoilers, but it's so very addictive! What an awesome show, and I enjoy my snack and my husband's company while watching it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the big reveal, how much I have lost this week! My original weigh in after delivering my son 5 months ago was 238lbs. My weigh in starting this diet last week was 199 lbs. Progress? Yes! Have I met my goal? No. My goal is 165lbs, which means I still have 34lbs to go! We'll find out tomorrow how much closer I am! Keep your fingers crossed! Thanks for all the support!!

Today

I love the kind of relationships that are so strong, you can go days, weeks, even months without speaking to someone, and not a thing changes. The trust you have in them never diminishes, the love you have for them grows, and each time you speak, it's like picking up right where you left off.

Today, I had a conversation with someone I hold very dear to my heart, someone I don't speak with nearly enough, and never get to see. We have a speak freely relationship- in my opinion, the best kind. Anything goes, anytime. The topic of today was therapy, I've never been, and the consensus is I should give it a whirl. The reasoning? I have a lot on my plate. Sure, I have days when I think I have a lot on my plate, but most days I feel just like anyone else.

Naturally, my mind can't stay on one subject very long, and I started day dreaming about the past, the future, and the present. From an outsider looking in, I suppose it does look like I have quite a bit going on. A baby, a toddler, a diabetic kindergartner, a husband, a home with a mortgage, sounds overwhelming just typing it all out! I feel like I'm constantly turning in circles, trying to make ends meet is near impossible at times, and I'm sure I will forever feel defeated, tired, and under appreciated.

Things used to be different, I never wanted kids. After having Laila, I still felt like the world was mine and I held it in the palm of my hand. I had dreams as big as the sky, and I felt unstoppable. After having two more kids, Laila's diagnosis, moving away from home and everything in between, my dreams have changed. I have new hopes, new desires, and the standards I set for myself has changed.

Plenty of times through this journey I have felt down about myself, my choices, my desires, my hopes, and dreams. Those are the times, magically, when this special person seems to appear in my life. She pops online, with a quick, "Hello!" or sends a text to let me know I'm on her mind. The times we do get to chat are amazingly healing, honest, and real. She might be the one who thinks therapy is the answer for me, but I think the answer might just be her. A big dose of someone I love reminding me who I am, where I'm from, and to keep my eyes on the prize. She may be biased, but that might be just what I need.

xoxo

He Loves Me

NYE I had a few friends over, and more than a few drinks. Thing were fun, we had a blast, and everyone was safe. Between the 3 of us, we managed to put away over a dozen bottles of beer, 2 bottles of champagne, 1 bottle of wine, and some liquor too. Thankfully, we all were adults and took proper precautions and behaved on the safe side.

Yesterday was garbage day. The stack of bottles and such that I threw in the garbage bin outside was on top when Dustin went to put the rest of the trash in. He asked me if I hid them so he wouldn't get mad. The thought never crossed my mind, but it did get me wondering. Why doesn't he get mad? He had to work that night, miss bringing in the new year with our family, and had to return to work the next morning, just exhausted. He should be jealous, to say the least. He told me he was glad I had a good time with my friends, and was more than pleased to see the house remained clean and the kids were tucked in their beds by a decent hour.

It has taken us both years to come this far in our relationship, and I see 2011 being the best year for us yet. We have both made changes in our lives, and the support I see us having for each other is outstanding. I truly believe we, together, are unstopable. Things haven't always been this great, it's obviously no lie, we have had our share of problems, troubles, ups and downs, but things are only what you make of them. There is nothing I will ever let get in the way of the love I have for my husband.

When you get a few girls together, the alcohol flowing, and the children in bed, everyone becomes a little less stuffy and a little more loose with their words. I was a little surprised to hear the girls speak so highly of my relationship, and to hear them claim how much my husband loves me. Really, really loves me. I wonder if, at times, I take that for granted. My life has been full of struggles, some easier than others, and letting someone in, letting them love me like he does, has been one of the hardest walls to climb yet. I don't feel as though I love myself enough to appreciate the love he has to give.

Last night, we spent some time together, just doing husband and wife things around the house. He helped me prepare some food for our day today, we looked through some recipes together, and watched a tv show on the couch. Nothing out of the ordinary, but to me, it seemed pretty spectacular. I can see now, the pieces of the wall falling and how he has fought so hard to make it through. I am so thankful we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, and I know he loves me. Really, really loves me.

HCG Day 3

Today has seemed to be the easiest, and hardest day so far. The HCG diet is strict, to say the least! I find that if I don't eat anything until 12-1pm, the rest of the day seems to go a lot smoother. I have plenty of food to last me each day, I just wish it was more!

The meals I've made myself have been delicious, if I do say so myself! I have been eating the allowed 500 calories a day, and experimenting with new ideas and flavors. Yesterday, by far my favorite, was asian chicken lettuce wraps. I pan seared my chicken with some soy sauce, garlic, ginger, chili powder and ICBINB spray. I cut the chicken into small pieces and wrapped them in fresh butter lettuce, and sprinkled crushed melba toast on top. So, so yummy. I was feeling full once I ate it all, which is a great feeling! Hopefully, that means this diet is really working!

Last night, Laila helped me make home-made barbecue sauce, which I enjoyed on some extra-lean ground beef for lunch. Yes, Sloppy Joe's in a bowl for me! Tonight, I may even convince Dustin to grill my chicken on the barbecue and slather some of my home-made bbq sauce on it, I'm sure it will be devine.

These last few days have really taught me some serious self control, if nothing else. It has shown me just how out of control my eating habbits were, not just in the amount of food I would consume, but the carbohydrates, fat, and sugar. I have taken time to prepare my meals with thought and planning, and I've written down each meal in a daily planner. I never used to read labels, even as of late I would only check the carbs for Laila. I feel pretty good, knowing I'm making healthy choices for myself. I am excited, and not-so-patiently waiting to see what Friday's weigh in will bring!

Pay it Forward

Laila's diabetes has not just affected how she lives her day to day life, but it's seeped into each and every one our our lives in ways I didn't realize were coming. Her testing supplies, though not cheap, have been covered by our insurance company since her diagnosis, saving us literally thousands of dollars in just the past few months.


Just days before Christmas, Walgreens broke the news to me that our insurance wasn't covering any more pharmacy refills, leaving me to foot the cost of her testing strips at over a dollar a piece. Laila is testing anywhere from 5-7 times a day, which mathmathically equals expensive. I had the option to buy a full box of 100, or in increments of 25. I purchased 50 and contacted our insurance company immediately. Though I'm not a policy holder, they spoke to me and explained I had to purchase her supplies through mail order, though they couldn't explain much else. Dustin called and spoke with someone who was able to answer most of our questions, giving us a quote on the cost and delivery time. Perfect, Laila's supplies would arrive 8 days after being called in by the doctor. The following morning I called the doctor to find the office was closed for 5 days. I fell apart, just completely lost it. How was I supposed to afford to keep purchasing these strips when I was getting them for free? I left numerous messages with the endocrinology office and obviously got no reply. Finally, I was able to get in touch with one of the nurses, Fran, and she was able to help me out. She ordered a 100 day supply of both testing strips and lancets for Laila, and prescribing she tests 8 times a day. That will cover more than 100 days, save us on our co-pay, and provide extra strips and lancets for Laila to take to school. I am still waiting on the order to come through, and since then, I've returned to Walgreens to purchase more strips to get me through the next few days.

This afternoon, I took a stroll out to the mailbox and found a package. I was thrilled, thinking it was Laila's testing strips from the insurance company. As I pulled it out, I realized there was no way, this package was way too small, though it was addressed to her. Normally, I wouldn't open her mail, but the return address caught my eye. Something in my stomach fluttered as I realized it was from the hospital. Receiving a package addressed to your diabetic child from the hospital where she is treated is positively a negative sign, or so I thought. I managed to wait until I sat down next to Dustin before tearing it open, and I nearly cried as I grasped what fell into my lap. 2 boxes of testing strips, 25 each. Attached, a little post-it note reading, "Hope this helps, Fran".
 
These nurses, these wonderful ladies at Phoenix Children's Hospital must have heard it all. After speaking with Fran, she must have heard in my voice my desperation as a mother, why else would she have sent me these strips? I know the price wasn't out of her pocket, but the time she took to pass on such kindness, such thoughtfulness, is overwhelming to me. Someone in my life, someone I have met just once, has taken it upon herself to pay it forward. To me. The thanks I have for this small gift is monumentous, she has literally saved my bank account from overdrafting, my husband from having to find more overtime hours, and me from worrying how I'll supply my daughter with what she needs in a pinch.
 
I hope one day I can change the life of someone, if in such a simple way as this. I hope my "hello's" are noticed by some who needs a smile, my polite "thank-you's" are noticed by someone having a bad day, or my laughter brightens someone's heart. I will try my hardest to pass this along, I know there are plenty of others who need it as much as I did. In 1916, Lily Hardy Hammond wrote, "You don't pay love back; you pay it forward." I have plenty of love to give.
 
To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

HCG

Today is the big day! I'm starting the HCG diet in the hopes of dropping some excess weight quickly, and from my entire body. I must admit, the diet is extremly strict, and though I know I can do it, it's going to be difficult. I still have to prepare food for the girls, and Dustin, and without tasting a thing.

The past 2 days I was "fat loading", I did my very best to eat what I could, but after starting the injections, I wasn't nearly as hungry as usual. I did manage to sneak some Taco Bell in on Saturday night, and I think I probably consumed enough alcohol to last me the whole 6 weeks of this diet!

As much as I want to, I'm going to keep myself from hopping on the scale every time I use the bathroom! I have decided to weigh in once a week. After 3 weeks of injections, paired with a 500 calorie diet of no carbohydrates, fats, or sugars, I'm hoping to be down at least 15 pounds! Granted, that's just a tad bit of my real goal, 35 pounds, it's a start. I don't feel as though I'm "fat", just not happy in my own skin. I've lost almost 40 pounds already since having my son, all my pregnancy weight is gone, plus an additional 20 from eating right and taking care of myself. This diet is just an extra boost to get me to where I need to be so I can maintain the right way, with diet and exercise.

I know size is just a number, and so is my weight, but I also know where I'll feel comfortable, and about where I want to be. I want to be doing this for the right reasons-so I feel healthy, have more energy, and feel good about the way I look. If I'm unhappy with myself, and I don't love me for me, no one else can love me for who I am either.

To those of you who have supported me this far, thank you. Keep pushing me in the right direction, I need all the support I can get! Instead of critizing me for my weight gain, praise me for my weight loss, my drive to take better care of myself and be the best "me" I can be.

I hope this helps me to settle into a happier new year, starting it off on the right foot, and for the right reasons.

NYE

Last night I said goodbye to 2010 with a bang! I invited a couple friends over and had a wonderful time! These ladies really get me, and it's a great feeling! We ate, drank, and laughed until we cried. No topic was off limits, and we even played adult truth or dare from an app I found on my phone. Here's a brief recap in photos...

Happy New Year, Everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your night as much as I did!