Back to Square One

Yesterday afternoon I did the unthinkable. I stepped foot in a dentist office, sat in the chair, and actually let someone clean my teeth. Now, if you know me at all, you know it's literally been years since I've trusted anyone to get close enough to even see me smile. I had a really bad experience at the dentist a few years ago, and I have fought to not go back since. It had been at least 10 years before that since I had been for a cleaning, and after yesterday, I'd rather let my teeth rot and fall out before going back!

Now, let me start from the beginning, I am making this sound a lot worse than it might be to the innocent bystander. Dustin had a really bad infection in his mouth, he had a tooth that badly needed a root canal and the infection was so bad he needed to take an antibiotic 4 times a day until the bottle was gone. Dustin, stubborn, stubborn, Dustin, decided he knew better than the medicine and got about halfway through by his appointment. In his defence, the dentist office demanded payment in full at time of service, and we don't have an extra $500 laying around, so he was afraid he may not be able to get the procedure done. I recommended taking the pills to kill the infection anyway, he was not so great at remembering, and I'm sure you can imagine the end result. He was also prescribed something for the anxiety, and after taking one the night before and sleeping nearly 14 hours, he was afraid to take another one and be a zombie, so he passed on that too.

I managed to get myself to the dentist's office in one piece, however I was in tears just sitting in the parking lot. I loathe going to the dentist, they cause me severe anxiety. I wish I could have taken a whole bottle of Valium, but being pregnant, I had to tough it out. So, I meet the dentist, get in the exam room, and almost throw up in my lap. Thankfully, Dustin stayed with me the entire time and held my hand through the whole cleaning. This may sound silly to some, but without him, I would have detoured the car on the way there and ended up at Taco Bell with a chalupa in my hand instead. She found a few cavities, which I knew about already, and suggested starting a plan to knock them out, the ones on top were so small they could be done all at once and pain free. Haha, you can't bullshit a bullshitter!! I don't think so, lady.

After my appointment, they blocked out 2 hours for Dustin's root canal. My intention was to stay with him until he was numb, and go pick up the girls. Well, I guess you could say that's exactly what I did. I ended up staying with him through the entire procedure. The infection was so bad in his mouth the dentist was putting shots directly on the nerve and still not having much luck. I lost count after 10 injections, I just couldn't watch anymore. I refused a chair, sat on the floor, and just cried. I can't believe how much he actually felt. What astonished me even more, was how quickly the dentist pushed those needles in! I am not the person to ask about seeing a dentist, obviously, but I did find one I liked and trusted back in Michigan, and I never, ever felt a single thing. As Dustin was getting the first injection he was crying out in pain, he said it felt like hot pressure, and like he bit a cactus. Are you kidding me? I'm seriously considering paying for a plane ticket home just to have this little bit of work done by someone I know can give me a shot and have me feel nothing. I mean, NOTHING.

As much as I thought I had moved forward with conquering my fear, this set me back to square one. I understand the circumstances and variables were different for Dustin than the would be for me, but there is no way, no how, I will ever step foot back in that woman's dentist office again. Whew. Poor Dustin's going to have to get that crown finished alone.

Blast From the Past

Yesterday, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I knew years ago. I think we went out on maybe two dates at most, and up until I saw his name, I had completely forgotten he existed. Yes, it was that great. Anyway, he asked me to tell Dustin he said hello. I asked him twice how he knew Dustin, and both times the question had been avoided, so I avoided telling Dustin! How was I supposed to tell my husband a guy he supposedly knows said hello, if I have no idea that they know each other. Something just didn't feel right, so I went with my gut instincts and kept it to myself.

Today, I get a chat message, it simply said, "mornin'". I said hi back, and the first thing he asks is if I told Dustin he said hello. I told him no, because I wanted to know how he knew him before I opened a giant can of worms and created trouble for myself. Dustin is unaware I ever dated this guy, if you'd even call it that, and I didn't want to talk about it if unnecessary. The answer I got was astounding. He told me they know the same people, so I assumed it was Riley's mom he knew. I was close, but no cigar. The correct answer is Laura. He knows, and is in fact related to, Laura, Dustin's ex-wife. The mother of the daughter he has not seen in nearly ten years. My jaw about hit the floor.

He claims he was hesitant to tell me how he knew Dustin, afriad I might now know about his ex wife or his daughter. Sorry, pal, but that $300+ child support payment coming out of his checks every month was a pretty big dead giveaway! That's actually one of the very first things Dustin told me about himself, even before our first kiss, was that he had been married before and it ended terribly. His daughter, Olivia, had been born with a rare type of cancer and was very sick. Up until now, we had no idea where she was, and if she was alive and well. Well, some of my questions have been aswered, and some apparently will never be. I am feeling on top of the world right now, and at the bottom of the barrel at the same time.

I now know Olivia is alive, well, and very loved. I also know she looks exactly like my 2 daughters, the sisters she'll never know or meet. Unfortunately, no one is able to provide me with a photo, but I must believe without seeing. I'm no doubting Thomas, Dustin has some pretty strong genes. I just can't believe, after almost 10 years, this has popped up and fallen into my lap. I am a basket of emotions, part of me wants to cry out and seriously cuss someone out over this, but I know I have no right. I can only do so much, sending Christmas cards with photos and our current information is all I'm limited to right now, and that's what I've been doing for years. I have been praying for answers to all my burning questions for years. Maybe the unanswered questions are really the answeres I've been seeking all along.

♫♪♫ Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers ♫♪♫

The Salsa Festival

Last night was Maricopa's annual Salsa Festival. Laila's school was performing some songs on the main stage and I have nothing but amazing things to report! She did phenomenal!! Considering she sat and cried through the entire Christmas program just months ago, this time she did a complete 180*. She sang every single song, loud voices, smiles, and even did the dance moves! I cried through the entire performance, and thankfully someone caught it on video. Here are some of my favorite photos from the show:

Play that air sax, girl!

"Hi, Mommy!!"

Dancing with the music

Hickory, dickory, dock!

I'm hormonal

When the going gets tough, who stays, and who gets going? I had a conversation tonight with someone I hold dear to my heart. Though the miles are many between us and it's been years since I've seen her face, I still consider this person to be someone I can turn to day or night. Tonight, the conversation seemed to get a little uncomfortable, and I am sorry to say, she got going. Call it me over reacting, but using the old, "I have to work in the morning," excuse is a bit old in my book. It may have been legit, but the timing was a bit off for my taste.

In this blunt conversation we were having, she tells me she misses me, I tell her the same. And the response she gave me back was both enlightening and devastating. She told me she loves and hates that I miss her. How on Earth do you take something like that? With a smile? Do you just nod and agree? Since I'm here, and she's there, I obviously swore at the computer and thought about using the standard, "I have a diaper to change," or something to that effect, but I didn't. I stuck it out, even when the going got tough. My feelings were hurt, my heart smashed into a million tiny pieces. I have seen the good, the bad, the ugly. I was there for the mistakes. She's seen me at my absolute worst, she's one of the first I told I was pregnant, and top on the list I notified when I had each of my kids, so where did this come from? I must have missed a memo somewhere.

I have talked previously about relationships, good ones, bad ones, the ones that count and the ones that never meant a thing. And then I talked about the times that were great, phenomenal, but somehow wrong. Those moments you cherish, because you truly loved someone, and they may never know. I suppose she falls into that category, though not by my standards. I think she's fantastic, but our relationship-take it for what it was-and the timing surrounding it was no good. Maybe that's why she said what she said to me today. She told me her troubles, asked for advice, and I gave her the best advice I could. I told her about the baby, and she shared in my excitement. Then we talked about her desire for kids, and had I known about it years ago, how different things may have been between us. I've never been one for the "what if" game, and I was more joking than anything, but this is where things got tense. The past is the past, and I'm not one to revisit it, especially when it comes to romance and relationships gone wrong. I've moved on, she's moved on, things are great just the way they are, so why the hurried goodbye? Even in the rush, she still told me she loves me. I made sure to tell her I love her, too. I know everything is fine, I think I'm just hormonal.

I am full of unanswered questions tonight, and I know everything happens for a reason, I just struggle at times to find that reason.

Living life

There is so much I have to blog about, please forgive me for not catching up sooner. I have been busy, and lazy, all at the same time. It has felt soo good to take some time "off" and just live life. Now, I get to tell you all about it...It's amazing how a few days can feel like an entire month, and sometimes a month can feel like a few days!

Last weekend I broke down and agreed to let the girls go to a sitter for the evening, I was seconds away from a nervous breakdown and the only remedy in sight was a mom's night out. I had so much fun! We went bowling! I am terrible at it, and apparently I'm not the only one! We had a blast, and followed it with drinks (I was the d.d.) and dinner at Applebees. Totally yummy, and more fun than I've had with friends in ages! We pigged out and really enjoyed the time away from our kids. I stayed out longer than expected, spent more than planned, but really enjoyed myself!

Dustin had a dentist appointment Monday, his first one in years. After seeing me freak out and being chased by a dentist into the waiting room, I think he mentally checked out and has refused to go since! He needs a root canal, and has a couple cavities, but otherwise he has great teeth! I've always told him how much I love his smile. I'm glad he has conquered his fear, I couldn't be more proud.

Dustin was so excited about the good news from his dentist visit he decided to take us all out for the day! We went out for lunch, did some shopping, and really enjoyed ourselves! I love seeing him interact with the girls, there's nothing like watching the man you love and the children you live for enjoying something so simple. Here's a prime example: Dustin and Laila munching on lemons while we were out at lunch-they even stopped to strike a pose! Thanks, you two!

Tuesday night Dustin and I had a date. Yes, you read that correctly, a REAL date! We went out to a new restaurant, Rustler's Roost. It was delicious!! The view of the city was beautiful, even though we sat with our back to the outside. The food was amazing, and totally worth the money we spent! We ordered the cowboy dinner, a minimum of 2 people have to order it. The tray came out with a half a chicken, a half a pineapple filled with slaw, 2 pieces of corn on the cob, 2 large fried shrimp, 2 steak skewers, 2 seafood skewers, a whole potato cut into wedges, an assortment of vegetables, a large salad, a bowl of bread and biscuits, and a bucket of baked beans! It was wild! I also enjoyed the cotton candy they bring with your bill. There's a real live bull out front, and a live band indoors! It was so nice! We were gone 3 hours tops, but it felt like a lifetime. Spending time alone as a couple without the kids is so rare for us, I soaked up every second I could. Heck, I'm such a nerd I even had Dustin take a picture of me with all the food!

Wednesday night Dustin and I watched "Everybody's Fine". It was one movie I don't recommend watching if your heart beats and feels any emotion. I cried from the beginning to the end, and by the last few minutes I could hardly tell what was going on I was in such emotional distress. It was a great movie, don't get me wrong, but it was sad. However, during the movie, I saw my belly move! I thought I was imagining things, the doctor said I shouldn't expect it until 28-30 weeks, but I saw it! Dustin was able to feel the baby kicking so strong his hand was bouncing on my tummy! It was great feeling him bouncing around in there, I just wish he understood that I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is without him turning be black and blue from the inside! What a little stinker!

We had a fantastic playdate on Wednesday over at Bojana's house! Everyone had a blast and the mommy time was great! Now, if Laila can just learn that life isn't just one big runway, we'll be set. She always thinks everyone is checking out her outfit and her shoes, and her hair. She's a trip, but she's not the only one! There are some really cute kids in our group! I really love everyone, some of the friendships I'm making are just phenomenal. I appreciate everyone and their contributions to the group, I couldn't do it without them!

One last thing before I go...I turned the air on last week. I think when my electric bill comes in the mail I'll see what a mistake it was, but I'm so HOT! I know it's only April, but 90+ degree temps outside mixed with my hormones make for not such a good combo. Wish me luck!

Kenadi's shots

Today Kenadi had a doctor appointment to get caught up on some shots. She had no idea it was coming, we had her playing and laughing in the doctor's office and I even caught a few cute pictures of her before they poked her (5 times!!!). I didn't get any "after" pictures, Laila and I waited in the lobby and cried, poor Kenadi cried so loud we could hear her and neither of us could help but cry along with her. Poor thing.

What a ham! Now that we're home, she's doing just fine. She ate a huge dinner, conked out for bed early, and played like nothing ever happened. I wish I had her personality! Some days she's just untouchable.

Hopper

A while back I bought the girls this hopper ball, you know the kind- the ball with the handle on top made for bouncing around the house-my kind of entertainment! I had stuck it in the closet because Laila made me pretty angry the day I bought it, so I had been saving it for when she had a good day and I thought she was ready to have it back. I blew it up tonight, and haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

Laila had the first try

Kenadi didn't quite get it right

This is my favorite picture!

Kenadi finally got on the ball!

The girls really enjoyed it, and I enjoyed watching them! What a great night!

Not Much

It's been another few days since I've posted. Not much, and everything has gone on all at once. I haven't really had much to say, and I still don't.


Since my day "off" I have been playing catch up with the housework, getting everything back to normal and clean again. By last night I was not even close to in the mood to fold any more clothes, and the basket sits, staring at me this morning, right where I left it. Unfortunately, I have to babysit today so it doesn't seem like I'll be getting too much done. I don't mind helping out a friend every once in a while, and I know the girls love the company. We might even head over to the park this afternoon to get the girls some fresh air.


My agenda for next week is pretty packed, I have 2 doctor appointments, labs to get done, phone calls to make and I need to sign up Laila for preschool. I've been putting it off, trying to weigh my options and make the best choices for the girls, and I'm still a little unsure. I finally broke down and enrolled Kenadi in preschool for the fall, she'll start August 2, just a month before she turns two. I'm nervous, but I think the time away will do her good, considering Dustin Jr. is due a week before her classes start. Laila has the option to go to a charter school, or a public school. There are pros and cons to both, and I am nervous about sending her to either. I can't believe my baby has grown up, she's going to be 5 this year, it seems unreal at times.


I am going to be 25 weeks on Sunday, and almost finished with my 2nd trimester. It feels like time is dragging so slowly! I can't wait to meet my little man, for him to finally be here and see the big world of opportunities in front of him. He's going to have the best big sisters anyone could ask for. I hope one day he grows up to think he has the best parents, too.

Taking a Break

I spent the day with one of my best friends yesterday, and it was just the break I needed! We went to Target to start our day, and I made a killing there with my coupons! I managed to get close to $100 worth of merchandise for $40! I bought a ton of cleaning items, soaps, pillows, etc. It was fantastic! I even got 2 of the Air-Wick i-Motion air freshners for free! It was a great trip.

After Target we hit Old Navy, Sally Beauty Supply, Ross, and Sam's! In between stores we had Wendy's for lunch, there's nothing like the burn of a spicy chicken sandwich! Yum! The fries were hot, the drinks were cold, and the conversation was the best.

Dustin kept the girls home for me so I could get out and get a break, it was well overdue. I have not laughed as hard as I did yesterday, and being able to eat an entire meal without having to get up to grab something, clean up a mess, or share it was amazing. It's been a while. It's been even longer since I've had a friend to go spend the day with, and not even miss a beat. Of course, I missed my kids and my husband, but the time I had made me realize how much I've missed the freedom. My feet hurt so bad by the time I got home, but I didn't even care, it was worth it!

When I got home I saw my kids were not only in 1 piece, but Kenadi had a nap, they both were still clean, and Dustin even had a few surprises for me! The blinds were FINALLY up in the kitchen window over the sink (after over a year with none!), the living room had been rearranged, and photos from our wedding had been hung in the living room. What a dream come true!

It was an amazing day, one I'll remember for a long time.

Happy Easter!

Today was a great day with the girls, even Dustin managed to get up early enough to partake in the fun! We opend baskets, hunted for eggs, and ate a yummy dinner! Here's a few of my favorite photos to recap the day:

Laila with her Easter basket

Kenadi super excited about what she found!

Laila hunting for eggs!

Kenadi found one too!

Checking out the loot!

The girls had a blast today, and I'm sure Dustin did too. I never dreamed being a mother would be this rewarding! I want nothing more than to see them smile!

Nervous breakdown

What a vicious cycle I feel like I am in. This past week, Laila pooped in the bath tub. I thought for sure those days were long gone, Kenadi's never done it and it's literally been years since Laila has. Her response? She didn't want to get water on the floor. So she scooped a chunk of poop out and threw it at the garbage, only to miss and splash water on the floor and leave her poop there right along with it. She proceeded to give herself and Kenadi a bath in the water that has poop in it, and not tell me until it's too late. Lovely, I know. We had to clean the tub, bathe the girls again in the other bathroom, get them new pajamas-the whole nine yards. Needless to say, I was furious. It's a chore to get her to listen to anything these days, it's outrageous.

Tonight, she peed in her underwear. Did she bother to tell me? Of course not. She's 4 1/2 and she claims she wouldn't have been able to make it to the bathroom, so she didn't even try. Call it jealousy, regression, whatever, but I'm tired of it. I made her get her pajamas on and go get in bed. To say I'm furious would be an understatement. I'm physically sick thinking about her attitude and behavior. I give, give, give every little last bit of myself to her, and I feel like it's not even close to enough, and she pushes the envelope for more. Peeing in her underwear tonight was the last straw for me. I didn't hit her, I didn't even touch her, I just told her I am not impressed with her attitude and behavior, and if this is her way of getting me to pay attention to her, she's doing a really poor job. I felt awful about sending her to bed without me, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've ever done that, and tonight wasn't going to be one of them. I made an effort, I went back there and asked her if she was ready to talk about the things she's been doing lately, including her behavior tonight. I was ready to choke her at the grocery store, and her peeing in her underwear at the dinner table was just the icing on the cake. She said she'll behave tomorrow because she wants to go to the Easter Egg Hunt we were invited to. Seriously? How many more tomorrows? How many more chances? I really, honestly, can't handle even one more minute of her whiney little voice telling me, "NO," or asking me "Why, Mommy?". I've had it! I need a break!

With Dustin's work schedule, weekends and almost all days are out due to him leaving for work at 5pm on Thursday and not getting any time off until Sunday or Monday, so that leaves the days he has off to get away. Talk about feeling guilty, I see him maybe 2-3 days a week, and the mere thought of taking time away from him and the family makes me feel like the worst mom on the planet. How could I be so selfish? How could I ever want anything other than what I already have? So the guilt sets in, and I let it eat me alive, and I feel like it's all my fault. Her attitude, her behavior, it must be me, it has to be. Where else would she be learning it from? She's with me 95% of the time, the few hours she spends away from me at school can't be that molding on her little personality. I thought, this whole time, that I've been doing a good job. I thought I was a good mom, a strong parent, and I had been doing well raising my daughter to be the woman who can face any challenge, yet still have a soft heart. I just hope I can figure out what I'm doing wrong before it's too late.

Blank

I'm not really sure I have anything to say worthy of any type of importance here, but this is my blog, my personal space, and whatever I say goes.

The things I post here are my personal thoughts, opinions, and feelings. I am not judging anyone, and don't expect anyone to judge me. I am not out to hurt anyone's feelings, or scare anyone away with mine. There is a comment section at the bottom of each post, free to use at any time.

I have no idea who, if anyone, actually reads the garbage I bother to post on here, but if you do, that's your choice, just as it's my choice to post what I wish. I keep my blog public so anyone can stop by and catch up, or offer their point of view if they don't agree with mine. I don't, however, post for others to talk about me or what I have to say. I am feeling a little hurt right now, I guess. If you want to read what I write, thanks, and if you want to share it with someone else, that's even better, but do it for the right reasons. I am perfectly fine in my own life, I haven't asked for any help or evaluation of my personal well being.

Basically, what I'm driving at here, is I don't single anyone out or talk about them, please, offer me that respect as well. If you have something to say, come to me-I have a phone, e-mail address, Facebook account, and this great blog where you can leave your thoughts.

Thank you, my readers...whoever you may be.