My mother's daughter

My life is simple. I go about my daily grind, pouring bowls of cereal, changing diapers, seeing my husband off to work, when suddenly it happens; for a moment my whole life changes. I might catch a scent of her old perfume, touch something that once graced her hands, or maybe use one of her old recipes to prepare dinner for my family. I never know when it's coming, when she's going to remind me, but when she does, it brings back a memory and my heart is flooded with sadness.

Tonight I sat and watched a movie I was positive would bring her back, if only for a second. I knew it was sad, I told myself to change the channel, but the pull was so strong, I just couldn't bring myself to pass up the opportunity to remember her, if only for a brief minute. Now that it's over, my tears could have flooded the Gila River, and my heart feels a twinge of hope. Up until now, I have been the most selfish daughter, but I feel like she understood, and may have been selfish as well.

I recall one incident in particular, that stands out in my mind so strongly, because it was just the two of us. There are days when I reminisce and feel my stomach fall to my feet, other days, I couldn't be more proud. One afternoon, I remember how frail she was, she was so sick sitting up was a challenge, but I just spoke without thinking; my only request seemed so simple. One hug. After letting out a sigh, my wish was granted. I wanted nothing more than to have her hold me, but I ended up holding her. I knew this was it, this was the end, the last time I would ever have the opportunity to tell her I love her. The saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world," always comes to mind when I think of that day. She was my world, and I hers, and that one small act of kindness has carried me through all these years of pain.

I was terrified of living without her, how on Earth would I make it? No teenage girl could possibly live without their mother, but here I was being thrown into a world unlike anything I'd ever experienced; this would be my new life, like it or not. What I didn't realize then, was she was just as scared of leaving me to live without her. Now, i know the truth. She is always with me: she is never further than my heart. With this little seemingly meaningless piece of knowledge, my life has just changed by leaps and bounds. I am proud to be her daughter, I feel thankful for what we had, and grateful to be able to call her my mom. My only dream is to be like her someday, to raise my children to know how much I love them, make good decisions, and to never be scared to live without me because I am with them always.

My baby is growing up!

Laila is turning 4 and I find it to be so bittersweet. The things she has accomplished and learned in such a short time is an inspiration to me, and I'm so proud to be her mom. She is enjoying preschool, making new friends, and learning so much! She can write her first and last name, count to twenty, and knows all her shapes and colors. She is so compassionate, and wants to share her knowledge, caring, and joy with everyone. She's growing into the little girl I never dreamed of having, but wouldn't trade for the world. Watching her turn from my baby into a beautiful little girl is the easiest and hardest job I've ever had to do. I can remember the first time I smelled her skin, when she first said "momma" and how proud she was when she first used the big girl potty. Now her milestones are so much more monumental, it seems. She has outgrown her toddler bed, started preschool, and now I answer to "Mom". She knows nothing but how to love, and is the best big sister Kenadi could ask for; that alone makes me feel like I can mark this down as a job well done. I may be clueless, but I know she is depending on me to show her the way, and she makes it easy to figure out. I feel as though we are teaching each other the way to live this adventure we call life, and we are doing a fine job.

I could never thank her enough for all that she has taught me in the short 4 years of her life. If I tried to tell her how much she means to me, how much she has changed me, I would fail miserably. There are not words to express everything she has taught me, there is no way to thank her for every smile, and not enough hugs and kisses to show her how much it means to me when she says "I love you, Mommy". Her patience is inspirational, her laugh is contagious, and her heart is so big, at times, it's overflowing. She finds happiness in the simpliest things: the sun is shining, a sporadic trip to starbucks, or a sticker from the bank teller. Who would have thought something so small would make her entire day? Amazing. Truly amazing.

I find myself depending on her as much as I know she depends on me. The relationship we have is almost like that of two old friends, or sisters, that have known each other their whole lives. Isn't it funny, we really have known each other her whole life, and it's a great feeling, almost like I can hardly wait for more. She is my emotional support beam, and I am hers as well. Without each other, we are nothing, but together, we are unstoppable. There's nothing we can't accomplish together, and I have no one but her to thank for it.

Laila, Mommy loves you.

Make New Friends...but Keep the Old

Last night I finally broke down and decided enough was enough. I was taking some well needed (and deserved) time out for myself, no husband, no kids, just me. I went to a friend's house for a mom's night out of drinks, snacks, games, and loads of laughter. My face still hurts from laughing so hard! The night was full of making fools of ourselves, eating way too much, and drinking chilled alcoholic beverages with no one asking for a sip, taste, or trying to weasle their little sausage fingers into your food for a bite. Yum. It was a dream come true for me, I met with a few familiar faces, and made some new friends along the way. Going out last night was one of the best things I've ever done for myself, I plan on enjoying safe, healthy fun like this more often!

I must admit, I was a bit nervous leaving Laila and Kenadi home, I knew I would be returning shortly, but not until after bedtime. I can count on one hand the number of times I have left either of them with a "sitter" (who just so happens to be my friend, not just some jabroni I hired to make some extra cash) since I decided to stay at home and be a full time mom. I was sure it was a recipe for disaster, but upon my return home, I doubt I could have been more pleased! The girls were both tucked in their beds, safe and sound, the house was still in once piece, and not a single thing out of place. The thanks and appreciation I have for Beth is something I will never be able to put into words.

I never realized how important the people in my life really are to me. I know we all have "family", our God given blood relatives, but I believe that only goes so far. I believe your family are the friends you choose carefully to share your joy and sadness with, good times and hardships, who will undoubtably be there through it all. I hope some of the friends I have made through this journey we call life will become the family I have chosen for myself. If they will take me, I would love to call them my own.

Welcome!

Welcome everyone and thanks for joining us! This is all new to me, so please bear with me as I get things going! I hope everyone can follow along with us on the journey of our lives, as our children grow and our love for each other expands! We always have a lot going on, so stay tuned! Thanks for stopping by, and we'll see you again real soon!