My mother's daughter

My life is simple. I go about my daily grind, pouring bowls of cereal, changing diapers, seeing my husband off to work, when suddenly it happens; for a moment my whole life changes. I might catch a scent of her old perfume, touch something that once graced her hands, or maybe use one of her old recipes to prepare dinner for my family. I never know when it's coming, when she's going to remind me, but when she does, it brings back a memory and my heart is flooded with sadness.

Tonight I sat and watched a movie I was positive would bring her back, if only for a second. I knew it was sad, I told myself to change the channel, but the pull was so strong, I just couldn't bring myself to pass up the opportunity to remember her, if only for a brief minute. Now that it's over, my tears could have flooded the Gila River, and my heart feels a twinge of hope. Up until now, I have been the most selfish daughter, but I feel like she understood, and may have been selfish as well.

I recall one incident in particular, that stands out in my mind so strongly, because it was just the two of us. There are days when I reminisce and feel my stomach fall to my feet, other days, I couldn't be more proud. One afternoon, I remember how frail she was, she was so sick sitting up was a challenge, but I just spoke without thinking; my only request seemed so simple. One hug. After letting out a sigh, my wish was granted. I wanted nothing more than to have her hold me, but I ended up holding her. I knew this was it, this was the end, the last time I would ever have the opportunity to tell her I love her. The saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world," always comes to mind when I think of that day. She was my world, and I hers, and that one small act of kindness has carried me through all these years of pain.

I was terrified of living without her, how on Earth would I make it? No teenage girl could possibly live without their mother, but here I was being thrown into a world unlike anything I'd ever experienced; this would be my new life, like it or not. What I didn't realize then, was she was just as scared of leaving me to live without her. Now, i know the truth. She is always with me: she is never further than my heart. With this little seemingly meaningless piece of knowledge, my life has just changed by leaps and bounds. I am proud to be her daughter, I feel thankful for what we had, and grateful to be able to call her my mom. My only dream is to be like her someday, to raise my children to know how much I love them, make good decisions, and to never be scared to live without me because I am with them always.