I'm ____ because...

I’m weird because…

I can’t sleep with my hair down.

I prefer to talk in movie quotes and song lyrics.

I never take my contacts out. 

I don't like pizza.

I see 12:04 everywhere.

I hate driving.

I need music playing on the television to fall asleep.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I truly believe I am the grammar police.

I can screw up a box of brownie mix, yet I can bake over 20 flavors of cake from scratch..

I’m terrified of anything with more than 4 legs.

I have baby names picked out for a girl and a boy, but I'm never having any morekids.

I drink from over 10 glasses a day.

I would rather scrub toilets than clean the kitchen floors.

I have a hard time saying no.

I crave empathy, someone to come along during a rough patch who will say "Yep, that sucks".

I love to write, though when I have the time, I don't have the motivation, and vice versa.

I prefer to only take photos of my left side, I think it's my "best side".

I hate waiting in line for anything.

I love getting mail.

I don't know how to sew on a button.

I don't like cheesecake .

I’m a bad friend because…

I have little to no patience.

I ignore phone calls and texts if I'm in a bad mood.

I put my kids before anything and everything, and that means I cancel plans often.

If I trust you, I have no filter, even if what I say may hurt you.

I’m a good friend because…

I will help in any way I can, any day, any time-just ask.

I love and cherish friendship.

I make a great babysitter in a pinch.

I will tell how I feel, even if it's not what you want to hear.

I’m not afraid to stand up for you.

I will be your biggest fan, no matter what you decide.

I’m sad because…

I wish my family lived closer.

I too often get consumed with Mommy guilt.

I sometimes let little things get in the way of the big picture.

I fear faiulre.

I say no more often than yes, because it's often easier.

I am self conscious about myself-my weight, my looks, my past, my choices, and more.

I’m happy because…

I have the most beautiful family.

I have relationships in my life I feel will last a lifetime.

I know the worst is over.

I have food in my pantry, clothes in my closet, and a house to call home.

I’m excited for…

Hoodie weather.

Payday.

JDRF Fundraising.

Winter break.

Family visits.

Grey's Anatomy.

The smell of pies baking in my oven.

The opportunity to finish my college degree.

My life to be exactly what I want it to be.

Handsome

My son and I have a nightly routine, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. Each night, I tuck the girls in bed and kiss them goodnight, bidding them adieu with promises of hugs and kisses first thing in the morning. After I turn off the light and close their door, I chase my little man to the living room. We laugh and tumble on the couch together and I know it's coming. He's going to ask for it.

FERB!

He's so handsome, I have a hard time saying no. We turn on Phineas and Ferb, and cuddle on the couch. Well, I like to think we're cuddling. Honestly, it's more like him elbowing me in the face or kicking me to shake me off, I'm sure he's had enough kisses by now to last a lifetime, but I'm not convinced of that just yet.

A few nights ago, Dustin left his "Cubs" hat sitting out on the counter, and my little man found it. By the time I made it to the living room, this is what I found:

After this mini photo shoot where all but refused to look at the camera, we headed to the couch to watch some Ferb before bed, and he let me snap a few more:

Oh he just melts my heart. He thought it would be a fine time for some self portraits:

Mommy thought it was perfect time for a little snuggles! I just love him.

Hugs, kisses, and a few more times of hearing him say "I love you" and he was off to dreamland.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with life I just turn off a little switch inside and shut everyone and everything out. I cancel plans, I don't pick up my phone, I don't play with my kids or talk to my husband. I'm just done. Today...today's one of those days.

Vinyl!

I remember growing up and seeing pictures in the hallway that lead to our bedrooms, they were school photos, updated each year. I used to think it was silly, seeing myself up on the wall, but as I got older, it made our house feel like home. My mom had decorations hanging on the walls in the kitchen, I remember, they were brooms. I thought they were ugly, in case anyone was wondering. Anyway, I loved the little touches (even if they were ugly), and vowed to have something similar in my home for my kids to remember.

Dustin and I lived in a teeny tiny little 2 bedroom apartment when we first moved in together. To say Laila was a surprise would be the understatement of the century, so we'll leave it at that. She wasn't planned, so the spacious second room we thought we had was quickly filled with baby items and my dreams of an office space diminished quickly. I was so disgusted with that apartment complex, I vowed to never hang a single picture in that place, and I never did. It never felt like home.

From that itty bitty apartment, we ventured across the country to another apartment, just a smidge larger. I convinced Dustin to hang a picture above the couch we received as a wedding gift just months prior, but eventually I took it down. I hated that place almost as much as the first apartment we had. It never felt like home there, either.

Once I finally agreed to move to Arizona, Dustin promised me we'd never live in an apartment again. He found us a house to rent and vowed it would feel like home. We hung that same picture from the apartment, and even decorated the girls' rooms a bit. Still, something was amiss. This wasn't my home, and it sure didn't feel like it.

Over 3 years ago we were in a rush to leave that house, our lease was up and we needed a place to go. Little did we realize in a few short months we would become homeowners! From the moment I walked into this house, I knew this was it. It was home.

Immediately, we painted the rooms we chose colors for, decorated the kids' rooms, and even hung some photos in the living room! Still, sometime felt like it was missing, that final touch. I'm not big with hanging objects on the walls, photos are fine, but I'll steer clear of the brooms for a few more years, then I found it. Vinyl! I saw someone in Maricopa had listed a bunch of extras online for a discounted price, and what started as one turned into 4, with plans for more! The girls haven't decided where they want to place theirs, so they haven't been ordered yet. I have plans for 2 more for my room, one for the kitchen, and one for the spare room. I have successfully hung the vinyls I purchased and am in love with how they look! Finally, after all this time, 3 kids, 2 apartments, 2 houses, and 3 states later, I've found a place for me and my family to call home.

Back Seat Driver

I swear to myself I'll blog more, I will make a list of things as they come to mind, I'll write them down, and I'll carve out time to do so...

And then weeks later I find myself here: staring at the blank screen, having finally found the time, lost the list, and not a clue what to say.

When I blog, I typically sit down with something to say, my own PSA if you will, or a story, or a message for someone in particular. Never do I ever just ramble. Ever. Maybe I should give that a shot. Shake things up a bit.

The past has seemed to haunt me lately, things I've done, things others have done to me, goodbyes I never got to say, feelings that were never shared. I know I can't change the decisions I've made in the past, but as of late, the nightmares have returned, I hold my breath when I walk to my car, and I jump at the slightest noise. Am I scarred for life? Perhaps. But at who's fault? No doubt, my own.

Maybe one day I'll learn to just pick up a phone and call someone, tell them they were on my mind, let them know they are in my heart. I let so much time pass I don't know how to reach out anymore, I am overcome with awkward feelings and regret for not calling sooner, and I reason myself down from picking up the phone and calling, or even sending a text. I tell myself I'll do it later, I will wait until I have some important news, or when the kids aren't being so loud. That never happens, in case you were wondering. Not even when years pass you by and one of your sisters dies. Nope. Not even then. I knew it was happening and still couldn't pick up the damn phone. That's regret you live with forever, in the pit of your stomach, because you know you were a failure. I've experienced a multitude of emotions lately-jealousy, anger, guilt, and grief just to name a few. In my defense, I didn't want to remember her that way, no one does; I want the memories of her singing "Burn, baby burn! Disco Inferno!" around the campfire while wiggling a hot dog between her legs to be the memories I carry with me. I hope she understands.

Some days, I wonder myself just how I do it. How in the world did I make it through another day? People ask me all the time how I handle 3 kids, one with a chronic illness. I tell them the same thing every time, you would if you were in my position. Don't question it. There isn't time for a pity party, there isn't a free minute in my day to feel sorry for myself, because there are people out there who have it so much worse. There are days when I feel like it's not just raining, it's pouring, but those days pass. I just move on and do the best I can, because that's as good as it's going to get. Honestly, some days I cringe just thinking about what's waiting behind door number one, but I get up, I open the door, and face the day. I'll admit, I pray for a do-over, probably more than the average bear, but somehow, some way, I've made it this far. It can only get better from here.

It's no secret we're rapidly outgrowing the space of our house. Dustin and I have spent countless hours discussing the possible changes ahead of us, what we're willing to deal with and accept, and what we're absolutely against. So far, we're seemingly on the same page, no major arguments this far, so I think it's safe to say we're not making any hasty decisions. As of today, we've established that we need a bigger house to call home and...that's it. Yep, that's it. Nothing else. We haven't decided on whether or not we're staying in this city, or even this state. The possibilities are not as endless as you would think, with one child in school and two more soon to follow, that's a high ranking factor on the neighborhood we choose, as well as distance from a children's hospital. If I choose to continue to stay home to raise our children, Dustin needs a comparable job without a horrid commute. Decisions, decisions. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Cut me off, Brook. Just cut me off.

The number of days where I feel like I'm suffocating-there are far more of those than I'd like to admit. I frequently feel like I'm going to explode, self combust even. What holds me together? The people who know me better than I know myself. My friends. My family. My kids. My husband. The possibility of bigger and better things. I have a drive in me, it's so strong, so deep, so intense, it'll never go away. I have to be everything to my kids my mom wasn't to me. Not because she didn't want to be, but because she wasn't there.

The world keeps on turning, life's going on whether I like it or not. Was there a real point to this post? No, not really. But if feels good to just sit here and write sometimes. At this time in my life, I feel lost, like I'm just wandering through the woods somewhere, not sure which way is north (and just so you know, I'm horrible at directions). Maybe it's time I slip into the driver's seat, grab hold of the wheel, and take control.

Or not.

Maybe I'll just slide into the passenger seat, fasten my seat belt, and grab my camera instead. I've always been an excellent back seat driver, and I love taking pictures of the scenery when I'm on a wild adventure.