I sit at home alone and stare at myself in the mirror. I see nothing but imperfections and disgust. I know I am not worthy of the things I have or the things that have been given to me. I must make everyone see me for who and what I am. Worthless. I see a spot, I must destroy it. I must attack it, ruin my outer self until I see blood. I need some confirmation of the pain I feel inside, something to show me just how awful I really am. I feel as though it's the only way to get through to myself. No one can take it away from me, I am in control. I am the only one who can stop when the pain gets too bad, but it's never too bad; it's never enough. I always want to go a little further, make it burn a little more. One day someone will see the wretched things I have done and they will assume the worst, I am a bad person, I can't be bothered with. This is what I call the truth. I see the scars of the past, of the cleansing I have done to myself, and they make me feel guilty. So guilty, I must continue on, find a new spot, and start all over again. It's like a drug to me, a rush to me, like my dirty little secret.
It's 110+ degrees here for months, I cannot wear shorts now, maybe not ever. The damage I have done is irreversable, but I cannot stop it. I have the devil on my shoulder egging me on every step of the way. He whispers in my ear and each time it gets a little deeper, a little wider, and a little easier than the last. Will I ever be able to redeem myself in my own eyes? Am I worthy of stopping? Why stop, when it's easy to do and even easier to hide
March 31, 2010
Parenting
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but I have something to say about parenting. Parenting is just like anything else in life, I don't think there's a "right" or a "norm", there is no guidebook that has all the answers, and there's no one person out there who has the right to judge another.
I will admit, my kids are far from perfect-they get that from me. I'll be the first one to say when my kid is having a bad day, misbehaving, or just acting like a total brat, and I like to think I'm the last to make excuses. I take criticism as contructively as possible, and I try to do the best I can with the resources I have attainable. I've done some reading, I've asked around, and I've gone off motherly instinct, but I'm not perfect. Believe me, I'm no pro, if you could see my phone bill right now you'd see countless calls to my dad and sister that last just minutes-that's me asking for advice on what the heck to do with these kids!
In addition to being a not-even-close to perfect mom, I'm also a not-even-close to perfect human being. This is where the constructive criticism comes in, and admitting my kids-and my own- faults. There is no job application for being a mom, no credits required, and no where out there is there a book that tells you exactly what to expect, no matter what the title says.
If you knew me 5+ years ago, you knew I was one person who did NOT want kids, no way, no how. I was determined to live a life that revolved around ME, not changing diapers, pushing strollers, filling out reading charts and coming up with indoor crafts for a rainy day. All that aside, this is the life I now aspire to be good at, and I think I'm doing pretty okay. That doesn't mean I don't get the occasional dirty look at the grocery store or whispers at the park for the way I talk to my children, but in my opinion they're going to be adults someday, and I want them to hear it from me first. I refuse to use any excuse, whether it's legit or not, and not wanting kids is far from an excuse I can use now. I find it disgusting how often moms throw out there the most random excuses for their child's behavior. I don't care if you work full time, or if you just moved, or if your babysitter is no good, these are all things I've been through myself, and I am pretty sure they're not the only reason my kids do or do not behave. I am not one to tell someone else how to parent, but if you ask me, I'll speak my mind!
Dustin and I always say we don't like other people's kids, and the older I get, I find this statement to be more true. It's an awful thing to say, and a blanket statment at that, but I have such a hard time with the aforementioned excuses and just plain lack of giving a damn that I find it difficult meeting other people who look at things the same way as I do. It's not my way or the highway, and I don't feel my way is the only way, or the right way, but at times I am just baffled by the blinders other parents wear. If your kid hits, regardless of the circumstances preceeding or following, your kid still hit. End of story. Handle it accordingly. Same thing applies if your child bites, swears, or does something else (by your standards, I suppose) to be wrong.
I guess I'm done here, take this how you wish, this isn't a personal knock on anyone or their parenting style, just a bit about my own, I suppose. I'm not offering unsolicited parenting advice here, just blogging about parenting in general. I am an avid blog reader myself and I have seen a few posts about not telling someone else how to raise their child, but they always seem to find their way back to the excuses. Maybe if the excuses stopped and the real problem was addressed, you wouldn't need all those lousy excuses to begin with. Just a thought.
I will admit, my kids are far from perfect-they get that from me. I'll be the first one to say when my kid is having a bad day, misbehaving, or just acting like a total brat, and I like to think I'm the last to make excuses. I take criticism as contructively as possible, and I try to do the best I can with the resources I have attainable. I've done some reading, I've asked around, and I've gone off motherly instinct, but I'm not perfect. Believe me, I'm no pro, if you could see my phone bill right now you'd see countless calls to my dad and sister that last just minutes-that's me asking for advice on what the heck to do with these kids!
In addition to being a not-even-close to perfect mom, I'm also a not-even-close to perfect human being. This is where the constructive criticism comes in, and admitting my kids-and my own- faults. There is no job application for being a mom, no credits required, and no where out there is there a book that tells you exactly what to expect, no matter what the title says.
If you knew me 5+ years ago, you knew I was one person who did NOT want kids, no way, no how. I was determined to live a life that revolved around ME, not changing diapers, pushing strollers, filling out reading charts and coming up with indoor crafts for a rainy day. All that aside, this is the life I now aspire to be good at, and I think I'm doing pretty okay. That doesn't mean I don't get the occasional dirty look at the grocery store or whispers at the park for the way I talk to my children, but in my opinion they're going to be adults someday, and I want them to hear it from me first. I refuse to use any excuse, whether it's legit or not, and not wanting kids is far from an excuse I can use now. I find it disgusting how often moms throw out there the most random excuses for their child's behavior. I don't care if you work full time, or if you just moved, or if your babysitter is no good, these are all things I've been through myself, and I am pretty sure they're not the only reason my kids do or do not behave. I am not one to tell someone else how to parent, but if you ask me, I'll speak my mind!
Dustin and I always say we don't like other people's kids, and the older I get, I find this statement to be more true. It's an awful thing to say, and a blanket statment at that, but I have such a hard time with the aforementioned excuses and just plain lack of giving a damn that I find it difficult meeting other people who look at things the same way as I do. It's not my way or the highway, and I don't feel my way is the only way, or the right way, but at times I am just baffled by the blinders other parents wear. If your kid hits, regardless of the circumstances preceeding or following, your kid still hit. End of story. Handle it accordingly. Same thing applies if your child bites, swears, or does something else (by your standards, I suppose) to be wrong.
I guess I'm done here, take this how you wish, this isn't a personal knock on anyone or their parenting style, just a bit about my own, I suppose. I'm not offering unsolicited parenting advice here, just blogging about parenting in general. I am an avid blog reader myself and I have seen a few posts about not telling someone else how to raise their child, but they always seem to find their way back to the excuses. Maybe if the excuses stopped and the real problem was addressed, you wouldn't need all those lousy excuses to begin with. Just a thought.
March 27, 2010
I digress.
As of late, I have noticed things in my life have been shifting. I've been meeting new people, and trying new things. I've expanded the mom's group to incorporate outings and more events, and many new people have joined. Still, something's not right. I feel more alone now than I have in a long time.
I have no shortage of "friends", but these friends don't seem real to me. Are they people I could call in the middle of the night? No, probably not. Would they run out and grab me a chalupa if I couldn't leave the house? I doubt it. Sure, they may come to my kids' birthday parties or show up to a bbq, but it seems like they're there for the good, and when the going gets tough, they split. Is this my fault, or theirs? My vote goes to me. I have a way of sabotaging things beyond repair.
So why is it that I have such a hard time letting people in? I have no trouble shutting them out, that's for sure. I bet probably one out of every five know my last name, and one out of every 20 my middle name. I bet they don't know the things my kids like, what I enjoy doing for fun, or even where I'm from. They always say, quality counts for more than quantity, but I find myself struggling with both. I feel like my "friends" are dropping like flies, finding someone better, someone with more money, more spontaneous, more whatever-to hang out with. I feel "not good enough" on a daily basis, but what I can't figure out is why this even matters? I have a few friends that know me inside and out, and I have my husband and children, without them, I don't know who I'd be.
For some reason, I sit here and blame myself. Why can't I seem to keep a friend, a real, true friend? All these "fair weather" friends are obviously something I don't want in my life, I don't need to bargain or beg for someone's attention, but what is it I'm doing wrong? How is it I am meeting all the wrong people, and everyone else seems to have these fabulous friendships? This is why I think it's me, I have to, because I can't believe that much of the human population has better luck than I do. Maybe I'm wrong...I just wish someone would prove it.
Tonight, I digress.
I have no shortage of "friends", but these friends don't seem real to me. Are they people I could call in the middle of the night? No, probably not. Would they run out and grab me a chalupa if I couldn't leave the house? I doubt it. Sure, they may come to my kids' birthday parties or show up to a bbq, but it seems like they're there for the good, and when the going gets tough, they split. Is this my fault, or theirs? My vote goes to me. I have a way of sabotaging things beyond repair.
So why is it that I have such a hard time letting people in? I have no trouble shutting them out, that's for sure. I bet probably one out of every five know my last name, and one out of every 20 my middle name. I bet they don't know the things my kids like, what I enjoy doing for fun, or even where I'm from. They always say, quality counts for more than quantity, but I find myself struggling with both. I feel like my "friends" are dropping like flies, finding someone better, someone with more money, more spontaneous, more whatever-to hang out with. I feel "not good enough" on a daily basis, but what I can't figure out is why this even matters? I have a few friends that know me inside and out, and I have my husband and children, without them, I don't know who I'd be.
For some reason, I sit here and blame myself. Why can't I seem to keep a friend, a real, true friend? All these "fair weather" friends are obviously something I don't want in my life, I don't need to bargain or beg for someone's attention, but what is it I'm doing wrong? How is it I am meeting all the wrong people, and everyone else seems to have these fabulous friendships? This is why I think it's me, I have to, because I can't believe that much of the human population has better luck than I do. Maybe I'm wrong...I just wish someone would prove it.
Tonight, I digress.
March 26, 2010
Building a New Face
I knew it would happen, I knew this day would come, but I must admit, I was far from prepared. There comes a point in parenting when your child teaches you, and you no longer feel in control, but completely, totaly helpless. Laila is just 4 1/2 years old, but wise beyond her years. The compassion flowing through that little girl exceeds that of most adults, and the empathy she feels is admirable.
I do my best not to shelter my children from the truth, harsh or not, I'd rather her learn it right here at home than from a classmate or a friend. I let them make their own opinions, choose the things they like and dislike, and within reason make all their own choices. They both have strong, independent personalities, and for this, I am a proud mom, I feel like I did something right.
Nothing compares to the way I felt tonight. I have never, ever felt like this in my life. I let Laila watch very little T.V. during the day, maybe a show in the morning or during Kenadi's nap, and a show with me at night. Kenadi knows how to turn the television on, but not how to change the channel, so often the T.V. ends up on and no one has a clue what's playing, it's just background noise to us. I was getting the girls ready to go to the store, and Kenadi turned the tube on again, and for some reason Laila was stunned, almost like something had rooted her to the ground. I was in such a hurry to leave, I hardly noticed the channel that was on, or what was playing. It was Discovery Health, and the show was called "Building a New Face".
"Building a New Face" is a show about a little girl, Juliana, who was born with no face. It documents the life of this child, her struggles, surgeries, and the obstacles she's overcome. I asked Laila if she was scared, she was sitting there gripping the remote controls, unable to look away, and in tears over this little girl. Her response to me was one I'll never forget. She told me she was sad for this little girl. She is sad because she has such problems with her face, and she feels bad because no one will want to be her friend. I asked her if she would be her friend, and she said yes, everyone is different. She feels empathy, something most adults struggle with. She said she's scared for the little girl because, she's scared at the hospital. Laila compares herself to this little girl, and thinks nothing of it. She speaks of her like she's just as normal as the next, yet she understands just how different she really is.
Watching something like this is a reality check for any parent, you count your blessings and kiss your children one more time. Maybe you tell them you love them again, or take them out for a special treat because they're special to you. I tell Laila and Kenadi every day how much they mean to me, and I love them as big as the world. Today, after watching this show, Laila told me how lucky I am to have them. She reminded me that I have two beautiful, sweet girls, and those poor people have only one, and she's got a sad face. My heart aches, for the family of that little girl, for the other families I know are out there, and for Laila. She holds the weight of the world on her little shoulders.
It's moments like these, I know I must be doing something right. I struggle daily, wondering if I am making the right choices, teaching them the right things, instilling the right values...then something phenomenal comes out of Laila's mouth, something so compassionate, it brings me to tears. Then I know I've made the right choices, I've said and done the right things-with plenty of wrongs along the way- but enough good to experience moments like this. I promised them I will help to carry the weight, there should be no burden on them, they are too young. But I still believe honesty is the best policy, take it or leave it, and it shows.
I do my best not to shelter my children from the truth, harsh or not, I'd rather her learn it right here at home than from a classmate or a friend. I let them make their own opinions, choose the things they like and dislike, and within reason make all their own choices. They both have strong, independent personalities, and for this, I am a proud mom, I feel like I did something right.
Nothing compares to the way I felt tonight. I have never, ever felt like this in my life. I let Laila watch very little T.V. during the day, maybe a show in the morning or during Kenadi's nap, and a show with me at night. Kenadi knows how to turn the television on, but not how to change the channel, so often the T.V. ends up on and no one has a clue what's playing, it's just background noise to us. I was getting the girls ready to go to the store, and Kenadi turned the tube on again, and for some reason Laila was stunned, almost like something had rooted her to the ground. I was in such a hurry to leave, I hardly noticed the channel that was on, or what was playing. It was Discovery Health, and the show was called "Building a New Face".
"Building a New Face" is a show about a little girl, Juliana, who was born with no face. It documents the life of this child, her struggles, surgeries, and the obstacles she's overcome. I asked Laila if she was scared, she was sitting there gripping the remote controls, unable to look away, and in tears over this little girl. Her response to me was one I'll never forget. She told me she was sad for this little girl. She is sad because she has such problems with her face, and she feels bad because no one will want to be her friend. I asked her if she would be her friend, and she said yes, everyone is different. She feels empathy, something most adults struggle with. She said she's scared for the little girl because, she's scared at the hospital. Laila compares herself to this little girl, and thinks nothing of it. She speaks of her like she's just as normal as the next, yet she understands just how different she really is.
Watching something like this is a reality check for any parent, you count your blessings and kiss your children one more time. Maybe you tell them you love them again, or take them out for a special treat because they're special to you. I tell Laila and Kenadi every day how much they mean to me, and I love them as big as the world. Today, after watching this show, Laila told me how lucky I am to have them. She reminded me that I have two beautiful, sweet girls, and those poor people have only one, and she's got a sad face. My heart aches, for the family of that little girl, for the other families I know are out there, and for Laila. She holds the weight of the world on her little shoulders.
It's moments like these, I know I must be doing something right. I struggle daily, wondering if I am making the right choices, teaching them the right things, instilling the right values...then something phenomenal comes out of Laila's mouth, something so compassionate, it brings me to tears. Then I know I've made the right choices, I've said and done the right things-with plenty of wrongs along the way- but enough good to experience moments like this. I promised them I will help to carry the weight, there should be no burden on them, they are too young. But I still believe honesty is the best policy, take it or leave it, and it shows.
March 25, 2010
Laila's First Hair Cut!
Today was Laila's very first hair cut! I must admit, I cried more than she did! Laila's preschool teacher Jen Hensley has her own hair salon, Textures, right in her spare garage! It's a gorgeous salon, and she did an amazing job!
Her hair is just so beautiful, it curls even more now that we finally trimmed it! I kept her very first curls, there was so little hair left on the floor I have just a tiny handful! It is so bittersweet, watching Laila grow up and pave the way for both of us. I am so proud of her for being so brave! This was a first time for her, and for me, too.
A Day For Deals!
Today has been one amazing day for saving money! I got a few amazing deals today!
I started out my day by going to Target and picking up some things...
1 package of Pampers Diapers
2 containers of Pampers Wipes
4 packages of Huggies Diapers
4 bottles of Dove Shampoo... See More
1 Beach Towel
1 can of Disinfectant Spray
1 (2pk) Renuzit Air Fresheners
1 tube of Colgate Toothpaste
1 package of Disposal Care drop ins
My total pre-coupons and savings: $79.77, after coupons and savings I spent $28.16 =)
I was feeling on top of the world when I got an e-mail from someone about some baby boy clothes! She has been saving them for me, and because of a missed e-mail, she felt bad and threw in some extra clothes!
I went through the clothes and counted over 50 pieces! I spent only $20 on the entire box of clothes, and there's not a bad piece in there! There are brands like Nike, Baby Gap, Circo, Carters, and more! The clothes are all in great shape! After going through everything I have, I have enough clothes to last my son until he's 18 months old! I am so excited to have found such deals today!
I believe my job is to spend the money Dustin makes as wisely as I can. This is my "day job". The hours of overtime he has to put in is a direct reflection of what we spend each month. Obviously, not paying things like our mortage or electric bill are not an option, but way overspending on groceries is! I know he appreciates all I do to save the money he makes, and it makes me feel good knowing I can help out when and where I can. Happy spending!
March 24, 2010
A Quickie
I have some catching up to do! I haven't posted anything about my shopping trip, or our adventure to feed the ducks today! Here's a quick recap.
Dustin had a few days off, which allowed me the time to go through some serious coupons and get things situated to save some serious money! I was able to save over $80 dollars at the grocery store and buy enough food to stock-pile my 2 garage shelves and feed our family of four for over two weeks! I even found a spectacular deal on diapers at Target. I was able to pick up 3 jumbo packs of Huggies diapers, 10 bottles of SoBe water, and 1 bottle each of Dove shampoo and conditioner for just under $15, and I also walked away with an extra $5.00 Target gift card I plan on using tomorrow!
Today we went to feed the ducks at one of the developments in our area that actually has fountains. The ducks didn't seem to hungry, but we still had fun! Laila and her little girl friends didn't care if the ducks were eating what they were throwing to them, and they looked cute as ever. We had lots of snacks and friends to keep us busy! We got to play in the grass, even if it was a bit crunchy! I am a horrible mom, and forgot the sun screen! Kenadi, Laila and I all got a little red on our shoulders and chests. Even the part in Kenadi's hair is sunburned!
Our playdates always seem to turn out so nice and cozy, not too many people and just the right amount of kids. There's never an over-abundance of girls or boys, and even some kids are the same age, which is fantastic! It seems as though Kenadi has found herself a little boyfriend already, and she's not even two! He's such a handsome little boy, I couldn't help but snap a photo when I saw them smoochin, it was too cute! They shared their food, drinks, and even some lovins! At least I know what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life! Sheesh!
When Dustin has a day or two off, we try to treat the kids with something special. Whether it's dessert, a day out, a special toy, we're never quite sure, but we try to make the most of it. We decided on a big ice cream sundae for the girls, and he sat and fed it to them (and even had some for himself too!) and they just loved it! They couldn't get it fast enough, but they shared so well! It was adorable. I'm seeing the differences and similarities they share, their personalities grow and change every day, it's amazing. I love being their mom!
I just want to post this last photo from today, it's a side by side of Laila and Kenadi. I can't believe how much they look alike! Dustin always jokes about Kenadi coming from the "post man", but I think after this there will be no more post man jokes! My sweet blonde babies!
Laila 4 1/2 yrs.
Kenadi 18 mo.
March 21, 2010
Life is Good Today
I had a great day today, and just wanted to share. Today started normal, laundry, dishes, and 2 rowdy girls tearing the house apart. Dustin is working a shorter shift tonight so he got up at a decent hour (yes, noon is a decent hour for him in our house!) and we all got ready to go.
The plan for the day was to head to The Home Depot to pick up some Ortho Bug spray. The big question of the day, where do we eat? It's not often we have the time, energy, and money combined to go out as a family and sit down and enjoy a nice meal. If we do eat out, it's usually McDonalds so the girls can play, or Chipotle because baby Dustin is starving. We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, and it was delicious! It was so great, I even ordered an appetizer! I was a high roller today! Kenadi ate more onions than anyone I've ever seen, and Laila loved cracking the peanuts and smashing the shells on the floor!
We had a surprisingly nice trip to The Home Depot after lunch, which I like to consider a miracle! It's one of very, very few trips we've made to that store, and probably the only one we managed to make it through without a fight! For some reason, that store brings out the worst in me, and some crazy switch is flipped inside the kids' brains as soon as we get inside there, it makes them act like wild children! Must be the smell.
Unfortunately, Dustin has to work tonight, which is where he is now. His shift is a short one, though, from 6pm-2am, which means he'll be able to spend part of the night with me, and tomorrow will be another fine day! Now, if only Kenadi would go to sleep...
The plan for the day was to head to The Home Depot to pick up some Ortho Bug spray. The big question of the day, where do we eat? It's not often we have the time, energy, and money combined to go out as a family and sit down and enjoy a nice meal. If we do eat out, it's usually McDonalds so the girls can play, or Chipotle because baby Dustin is starving. We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, and it was delicious! It was so great, I even ordered an appetizer! I was a high roller today! Kenadi ate more onions than anyone I've ever seen, and Laila loved cracking the peanuts and smashing the shells on the floor!
We had a surprisingly nice trip to The Home Depot after lunch, which I like to consider a miracle! It's one of very, very few trips we've made to that store, and probably the only one we managed to make it through without a fight! For some reason, that store brings out the worst in me, and some crazy switch is flipped inside the kids' brains as soon as we get inside there, it makes them act like wild children! Must be the smell.
Unfortunately, Dustin has to work tonight, which is where he is now. His shift is a short one, though, from 6pm-2am, which means he'll be able to spend part of the night with me, and tomorrow will be another fine day! Now, if only Kenadi would go to sleep...
March 19, 2010
You're Amazing!
Today, like any other day, seemed normal. I got up, got the girls dressed and ready to roll, and off to a playdate we went. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we ate, chatted, and came home. I started some chores, and went to check the mail. Then, it happened. That one little gesture that someone does to blow you away. It may seem small to them, but to you, it's like someone just put the world in the palm of your hand.
I was sifting through the bills and advertisements and I reached in and found a bubble mailer. What on Earth could this be, and which one of the kids is it for? That's what I was saying to myself when I saw my name on the address line! Surely, some kind of mistake! Who would send me mail? I saw the return address and a huge smile was beaming across my face. My *cough*favorite*cough* niece had sent me something! I couldn't believe it! The girl who hasn't made it to the DMV in 7 years to change her last name on her license managed to think of me and get to the post office and send me a little gift!
I was able to contain myself long enough to get in the house, but after slamming the front door I ripped that package open like a child on Christmas morning. Inside, was one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. It was a little decorative trinket that reads "You're amazing". Now, I already felt like a million bucks, but when I saw that, I felt like I really deserved it! The card was even better! It said "Believe in yourself..." "Because I do!" How amazing is that! Someone out there believes in me. Little ole me! Suburban, stay at home mom, boring, drab, uninteresting me! It's times like these that just make me want to hop on a plane and fly to Chicago, just to give her a hug and tell her I appreciate her.
There's nothing in the world like knowing someone, somewhere out there thinks you're doing a fine job. I've been called some pretty great things here and there, in fact, I've even been called "amazing".
I was sifting through the bills and advertisements and I reached in and found a bubble mailer. What on Earth could this be, and which one of the kids is it for? That's what I was saying to myself when I saw my name on the address line! Surely, some kind of mistake! Who would send me mail? I saw the return address and a huge smile was beaming across my face. My *cough*favorite*cough* niece had sent me something! I couldn't believe it! The girl who hasn't made it to the DMV in 7 years to change her last name on her license managed to think of me and get to the post office and send me a little gift!
I was able to contain myself long enough to get in the house, but after slamming the front door I ripped that package open like a child on Christmas morning. Inside, was one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received. It was a little decorative trinket that reads "You're amazing". Now, I already felt like a million bucks, but when I saw that, I felt like I really deserved it! The card was even better! It said "Believe in yourself..." "Because I do!" How amazing is that! Someone out there believes in me. Little ole me! Suburban, stay at home mom, boring, drab, uninteresting me! It's times like these that just make me want to hop on a plane and fly to Chicago, just to give her a hug and tell her I appreciate her.
There's nothing in the world like knowing someone, somewhere out there thinks you're doing a fine job. I've been called some pretty great things here and there, in fact, I've even been called "amazing".
March 18, 2010
Calcification of the Heart
Waiting 3 weeks for my follow-up visit with my OB has been a nail biter-literally. I have spent the last 3 weeks freaking out and trying to decide what's best, to take the blood test and see what it says, or do nothing. I went to the doctor today and she told me I better not lose a wink of sleep over that little spot! It actuallywill be about the size of a grain of sand once he reaches adulthood, it never changes size, but he will, so it'll appear smaller. It's a piece of tissue that's hardened, she said if anything, it may actually help his heart to function better because it's an artery that's just a bit hardened, with calcium. Now, I feel better, a million times better. She said not to even fret about it, 1 out of 12 is such a small number of abnormalities, and this is the most common of all "abnormalities", she said she sees it in about 20% of all her patients. By my calculations (and the photos of babies she's delivered all over every exam room), that's a lot!! I have been holding it all inside this whole time, trying to make sure everyone knows I am A-O-K! I can't express the amout of guilt, anxiety, anger, shame, embarrassment, and other feelings I have felt these past few weeks. Not only did I feel terrible for ever saying I didn't want a son, but now this? A son who could potentially be special needs? I don't want or need this in my life, not now, not ever. I have felt a wave of emotions since reading that letter. I have felt the strength to get through this, the courage and bravery to face whatever challenges he may hold, and peace in my heart knowing he is my son no matter what. Did I feel these things for nothing? Were these feelings in vain? No, I am a stronger person now, and I can handle anything, and even though I know there's nothing wrong with my son, I may still need all the help I can get! After today, I can finally take a deep breath and move on knowing my son is going to be just fine. After all, he is my son.March 17, 2010
Happy St. Patrick's Day
May the road rise up to meet you; May the wind be always at your back; May the sun shine warm upon your face; And rains fall soft upon your fields; And until we meet again may God hold you in the palm of His hand. - Irish Blessing
Happy Saint Patrick's Day, from our family to yours!
March 15, 2010
Aloha!
Yesterday, Dustin, the girls, and I went to the Aloha Festival at Tempe Beach Park. It was a total hit! We started our morning by parking at the Police Station in Tempe and hopping on the light rail. It was a first time for all of us, and the girls really enjoyed the ride. I was concerned Laila would be scared, but she got on and held on like a trooper! It was adorable seeing her comfort Kenadi, even though Kenadi hardly needed comforting!
The admission to the festival was free, the entertainment was free, all we had to pay for was the food! The smells were so amazing, I wanted to dive into every booth out there and sample one of everything, but naturally, that wouldn't fare well with the owners, so we settled on just a few things...I say "few" pretty loosley here, these types of festivals only come around once a year, and with Dustin's schedule at work, it was such a treat to go as a family, so I brought extra money, I know this was going to be an all day eating and snacking event! 
We started with this Hawaiian/Korean plate: it was chicken, rice, a bbq rib, macaroni salad, and long rice. We ordered 2 of those and they were gone before either of us could say how good they were! Laila even used chopsticks!! We didn't try the "long rice", I'm not exactly sure what it was, but it was a clear, squigly substance that resembled noodles. I bit one by mistake, it was awful! The barbecue was delicious, I just wish there was more of it on the plate! But the sticky rice and chicken made up for it. At $10 a plate, it was money well spent. We all were so stuffed, I thought I was going to have to be rolled down the hill!
I noticed a booth for making lei's. They were paper cut outs of flowers and neon straws cut into short pieces. The yarn was pre-cut, one end tied in a knot and the other taped off to make it easy for the kids to string the flowers along. Laila made one for herself, and I made one for Kenadi. It was pretty windy outside, so they didn't get to wear them, but we did bring them home. Did I mention how much I love free crafts? And not having to clean up the mess made it even better!! We got to enjoy the music of some Hawaiian music and string our lei's together. What a blast.
Next, I had my sights (and my pregnant tummy) set on some butterflied potatoes. They were just calling my name, I couldn't leave and not try them! Lucky for me, Dustin had decided on some Banana Eggrolls for dessert, and they happened to be in the same line-or so we thought! We waited in a big long line for my potato crisps, only to get to the front of the line and realize the booth was split into two and the other side, which had the banana eggrolls, was line-free the entire time! Well, at least we enjoyed our food! There were so many potatoes on that plate, all 4 of us dug in and we STILL ended up throwing some of them away. They could have used more salt, but who's 
complaining! At $5 a plate, it was well worth it, and worth the wait! The banana eggrolls were equally as delicious! Mixing the salt and the sweet, these two treats went together perfectly! There was no photo of the eggrolls, just a yellow sign with a bunch of bananas and a $5 price tag. We took a gamble, and came out on top. They were so darn good, poor Dustin had to share, we all couldn't resist! With powdered sugar and chocolate on top, it was a pregnant woman's dream come true! I couldn't have asked for more, but Laila sure did! We had to get her special treat before we left, so on we went.
Our last stop before trailing off back to the light rail was to get Laila a snow-cone. The signs were everywhere, there was no way to lie my way out of this one! I couldn't imagine spending $5 a piece for a snow cone, but the signs swore that "Size Does Matter!" Well, I'll be darned, size sure does matter! They were the biggest snow cone I've ever seen! Laila picked strawberry, not a family favorite, but no one disliked it. It was so big, they gave us 2 spoons, and Laila couldn't hold it and eat it without help. It was the softest, tastiest snow cone I think I've ever tasted!
With red lips and a bright red smile, we all headed back toward the light rail for a ride back to the Police Station where we parked the car. The walk down Mill Ave. was interesting, to say the least. We saw someone playing a guitar with an empty (haha!) coffee can in front of him. Laila giggled about it, and asked why he was singing so bad. Dustin and Laila walking together was such a cute photo-op, I couldn't resist. Neither of them know I took this picture, maybe one day when we talk about our day out together, I'll show them, and they'll smile. I had a blast, spending the day with my family.
Lightrail pass - $3.50
Food and treats - $35.00
Batteries for the camera - $2.99
Time spent with my beautiful family - priceless
March 12, 2010
"I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then."
My life is whole, it's complete, it's everything I never knew I always wanted. Most days I go about my routine, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks along the way, laundry, maybe some reading with the girls, baths, bed. The usual. I love my husband, I love my kids, life is good.
Then there are days, once in a blue moon, I like to say, that he creeps into my mind. It's like a tiny tug at my stomach, my brain, and my heart. He doesn't belong there, he doesn't deserve to be there, he has no right. He hurt me in ways unimaginable. There are things I went through I am embarrassed to even speak of. So, why on Earth do I think of him? I wonder where he is, did he ever meet someone, did he ever get the help he desperately needs? I cannot fix him, his problems are far deeper than the love I had to offer. They're worse than any medication can control. Lord only knows what excuses he's used on the girls he's dated since me. Believe me, I've heard them all. He was molested as a child, he was abused as a teenager, he had an awful first marriage, his mom treats him like garbage, his baby momma is a whore, you name it, he used it. So why did I ever give in? I know now, but then was a different story.
There are points in your life, highs and lows, that you will always remember. After my mom died I felt like I would never, ever get back up, brush the dirt off, and keep going. I struggled inside with the questions that will forever go unanswered. I dated guys, girls, and found a new friendship in drugs and alcohol. I tried to fit in, and everywhere I looked I felt as if another door was being shut in my face. Then one day, I met him. He looked at me just the right way, said just the words I needed to hear, and touched me in ways I never knew a woman could be touched. He showed me what it was like to be an adult, something I never thought I'd ever achieve. Living on our own, paying our own bills, coming and going as we please, it was a lifestyle everyone was jealous of. If they only knew what went on behind closed doors. He drained my bank account, depleated my life of friends, and controlled every move I made. He checked my phone bills, e-mail accounts, mileage on my car, all to make sure I did things his way. All for nothing.
He never worked, never made an effort on most days to even get out of bed. I cooked, cleaned, and raised his daughter as if she were my own. There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering how I ended up in that life, and how in the world I would ever be free again. As long as I had drugs, I didn't need friends. I would smoke, drink, snort crank, whatever I could get my hands on. Anything to rid my mind of the present danger. I had him, and in the blind eye of the outside world, we were happy. The one day, it happened. He snatched me up by my throat, hit me in the face, and treated me like I was nothing but trash to be tossed to the curb when he was through. I never fought him back, maybe that's where I went wrong. I wasn't like the other girls he was used to, I didn't fight. I may have ran away a few times, but I always went back to his empty, broken promises that he would never do it again, that was the last time. I was so niave, I believed he was filling in the gap in my heart, he was the missing pieces to the puzzle, and if I could just figure out the way they all fit, we would be so happy together. He was far from the missing pieces, more like a sledge hammer breaking my heart a little more each day, to the point not even a band-aid could fix.
We had big plans-what couple doesn't? We wanted to move from Indiana up to Michigan. I was supposed to finish school, and I landed a pretty decent job at a hotel in St. Joseph, so things looked good. More money coming in meant more money to save and put toward our future together. I thank God every day we didn't have kids together, but that doesn't mean we didn't try. He thought I was acting "too good for him" with my new job, new clothes, and new attitude. It had been so long since I felt I had something to be proud of, and this job made me feel good, accomplished. Obviously the commute wasn't pleasant, on a good day I could make it in just under an hour, but in his mind I must have been doing everyone I work with. Why on Earth would he consider the 45 mile drive on a 2 lane highway that was crawling with cops? No, never that.
In combination with the multiple medications he took, drinking was a favorite pass-time of his. One night, things got out of hand. I guess turning over to go to sleep at 2am when I had to be at work at 7am the following morning just sent him through the roof. I have never seen a rage in someone so fierce as I saw in him that night. I was sure I wasn't getting out of there alive, and he reassured me of that a number of times. With a roll of trash bags, duct tape, and a knife bigger than any butcher needs to own, he sat there and tormented me. He smoked all my cigarettes, and used the lighter to burn me. He left bruises on my neck, legs, arms, face, you get the idea. The old building we lived in was cement, we were on the top floor, and that night, he used it to his advantage. No one could hear my head banging against the wall, or him screaming at me to breathe since he knocked me unconscious. He called my dad a number of times and put me on the phone, just to reassure him I was okay. After brusing my cheekbone, ear drum, throat, arms, and legs, he took advantage of my body in ways that are unjust. He demanded I tell him I enjoyed it, and when I did, he said I was lying and proceeded with further torture. He is such a demon, he told me, even at my worst hour, that I was beautiful and I was such a gift to him. Unfortunately for him, my inner "beauty" finally took control.
Sneaking out was terrifying, the doors were old and creaked so loudly they could wake the dead. Once I managed to get out of the bedroom, I took things one step at a time. Each lock I unbolted, and checked for his snoring from the bedroom. I grabbed my Coca-Cola bear, my tooth brush, and my phone. I didn't even put my shoes on, I shut the door and left all the locks open, and tore off down those 4 flights of stairs like I was competing for a gold medal. I put the keys in the ignition, and once I turned out of that apartment complex, I have never looked back. I went to my dad's work, and from there, to the ER. Because the police weren't called to the scene, even with photos and evidence of his repeated attacks, there was nothing they could do. To this day, I still cannot believe the justice system. Had I called the police from that apartment, I would have left in a body bag. I guess this is the next best thing.
Just because I never looked back doesn't mean I haven't seen him, he has come looking for me. He knew my car, he knew my address, and he knew where I worked. He called, and even threatened to come to the divorce hearing, just to see me. Thankfully, in most all aspects of my life, I have moved on. We sold my car, leased something he would never look for me in. I moved out, and moved in with Dustin. I quit my job, and eventually moved away. Almost 6 years later, I still scan the parking lot at the grocery store, double check my locks and windows, and never leave home without my cell phone. I never dreamed of living in fear, and I don't now, but the constant nagging inside me tells me this isn't over. "A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes." (Casino-1995) Maybe, one day, my problem will be resolved, out here in the desert. Until then, I will put on a happy face, and live the life I never knew I always wanted.
**Let me make mention here, there is NO excuse, none what-so-ever, for a man to hit a woman. And even less of an excuse for a woman to stick around and deal with it. I was in an abusive relationship with this man, who I thought I loved. As it turns out, at the end of the day I not only failed myself, but my family and friends as well. I have burned some bridges to the point of non-repair. I am so fortunate to have family and friends that have stuck it out, have had the faith in me and the strength to push me forward in the right direction. Those of you, you know who you are, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for a second chance at life.
Then there are days, once in a blue moon, I like to say, that he creeps into my mind. It's like a tiny tug at my stomach, my brain, and my heart. He doesn't belong there, he doesn't deserve to be there, he has no right. He hurt me in ways unimaginable. There are things I went through I am embarrassed to even speak of. So, why on Earth do I think of him? I wonder where he is, did he ever meet someone, did he ever get the help he desperately needs? I cannot fix him, his problems are far deeper than the love I had to offer. They're worse than any medication can control. Lord only knows what excuses he's used on the girls he's dated since me. Believe me, I've heard them all. He was molested as a child, he was abused as a teenager, he had an awful first marriage, his mom treats him like garbage, his baby momma is a whore, you name it, he used it. So why did I ever give in? I know now, but then was a different story.
There are points in your life, highs and lows, that you will always remember. After my mom died I felt like I would never, ever get back up, brush the dirt off, and keep going. I struggled inside with the questions that will forever go unanswered. I dated guys, girls, and found a new friendship in drugs and alcohol. I tried to fit in, and everywhere I looked I felt as if another door was being shut in my face. Then one day, I met him. He looked at me just the right way, said just the words I needed to hear, and touched me in ways I never knew a woman could be touched. He showed me what it was like to be an adult, something I never thought I'd ever achieve. Living on our own, paying our own bills, coming and going as we please, it was a lifestyle everyone was jealous of. If they only knew what went on behind closed doors. He drained my bank account, depleated my life of friends, and controlled every move I made. He checked my phone bills, e-mail accounts, mileage on my car, all to make sure I did things his way. All for nothing.
He never worked, never made an effort on most days to even get out of bed. I cooked, cleaned, and raised his daughter as if she were my own. There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering how I ended up in that life, and how in the world I would ever be free again. As long as I had drugs, I didn't need friends. I would smoke, drink, snort crank, whatever I could get my hands on. Anything to rid my mind of the present danger. I had him, and in the blind eye of the outside world, we were happy. The one day, it happened. He snatched me up by my throat, hit me in the face, and treated me like I was nothing but trash to be tossed to the curb when he was through. I never fought him back, maybe that's where I went wrong. I wasn't like the other girls he was used to, I didn't fight. I may have ran away a few times, but I always went back to his empty, broken promises that he would never do it again, that was the last time. I was so niave, I believed he was filling in the gap in my heart, he was the missing pieces to the puzzle, and if I could just figure out the way they all fit, we would be so happy together. He was far from the missing pieces, more like a sledge hammer breaking my heart a little more each day, to the point not even a band-aid could fix.
We had big plans-what couple doesn't? We wanted to move from Indiana up to Michigan. I was supposed to finish school, and I landed a pretty decent job at a hotel in St. Joseph, so things looked good. More money coming in meant more money to save and put toward our future together. I thank God every day we didn't have kids together, but that doesn't mean we didn't try. He thought I was acting "too good for him" with my new job, new clothes, and new attitude. It had been so long since I felt I had something to be proud of, and this job made me feel good, accomplished. Obviously the commute wasn't pleasant, on a good day I could make it in just under an hour, but in his mind I must have been doing everyone I work with. Why on Earth would he consider the 45 mile drive on a 2 lane highway that was crawling with cops? No, never that.
In combination with the multiple medications he took, drinking was a favorite pass-time of his. One night, things got out of hand. I guess turning over to go to sleep at 2am when I had to be at work at 7am the following morning just sent him through the roof. I have never seen a rage in someone so fierce as I saw in him that night. I was sure I wasn't getting out of there alive, and he reassured me of that a number of times. With a roll of trash bags, duct tape, and a knife bigger than any butcher needs to own, he sat there and tormented me. He smoked all my cigarettes, and used the lighter to burn me. He left bruises on my neck, legs, arms, face, you get the idea. The old building we lived in was cement, we were on the top floor, and that night, he used it to his advantage. No one could hear my head banging against the wall, or him screaming at me to breathe since he knocked me unconscious. He called my dad a number of times and put me on the phone, just to reassure him I was okay. After brusing my cheekbone, ear drum, throat, arms, and legs, he took advantage of my body in ways that are unjust. He demanded I tell him I enjoyed it, and when I did, he said I was lying and proceeded with further torture. He is such a demon, he told me, even at my worst hour, that I was beautiful and I was such a gift to him. Unfortunately for him, my inner "beauty" finally took control.
Sneaking out was terrifying, the doors were old and creaked so loudly they could wake the dead. Once I managed to get out of the bedroom, I took things one step at a time. Each lock I unbolted, and checked for his snoring from the bedroom. I grabbed my Coca-Cola bear, my tooth brush, and my phone. I didn't even put my shoes on, I shut the door and left all the locks open, and tore off down those 4 flights of stairs like I was competing for a gold medal. I put the keys in the ignition, and once I turned out of that apartment complex, I have never looked back. I went to my dad's work, and from there, to the ER. Because the police weren't called to the scene, even with photos and evidence of his repeated attacks, there was nothing they could do. To this day, I still cannot believe the justice system. Had I called the police from that apartment, I would have left in a body bag. I guess this is the next best thing.
Just because I never looked back doesn't mean I haven't seen him, he has come looking for me. He knew my car, he knew my address, and he knew where I worked. He called, and even threatened to come to the divorce hearing, just to see me. Thankfully, in most all aspects of my life, I have moved on. We sold my car, leased something he would never look for me in. I moved out, and moved in with Dustin. I quit my job, and eventually moved away. Almost 6 years later, I still scan the parking lot at the grocery store, double check my locks and windows, and never leave home without my cell phone. I never dreamed of living in fear, and I don't now, but the constant nagging inside me tells me this isn't over. "A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes." (Casino-1995) Maybe, one day, my problem will be resolved, out here in the desert. Until then, I will put on a happy face, and live the life I never knew I always wanted.
**Let me make mention here, there is NO excuse, none what-so-ever, for a man to hit a woman. And even less of an excuse for a woman to stick around and deal with it. I was in an abusive relationship with this man, who I thought I loved. As it turns out, at the end of the day I not only failed myself, but my family and friends as well. I have burned some bridges to the point of non-repair. I am so fortunate to have family and friends that have stuck it out, have had the faith in me and the strength to push me forward in the right direction. Those of you, you know who you are, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for a second chance at life.
March 11, 2010
Seriously?
I remember being younger and going out to dinner with my family. It could be HI's, The Olive Garden, or even just Big Boy, and as long as we were with my mom, the same thing happened. Someone-a server, bus boy, whoever-would inevitably clean the floors right next to our table. They would sweep, mop, vacuum, run the hand-vac, but it was always near our table while we were eating. My mom would smile, laugh, and mention to us this only happens to her. I remember giggling and my dad saying something about how she's just being silly. Now, I'm positive it was true.
The other day Dustin, the girls and I went out to lunch at The Olive Garden. It was nice and empty inside, just a few tables, and quiet, just how we like it. We ordered, shared some breadsticks and salad, and soon our food arrived. Suddenly, I heard it. The sound of a hand-vac, someone running it over the floor right next to our table. I didn't see any crumbs, or the need to clean the floor while we were eating. I have noticed it before, I can't lie, it seems as though nearly every time we're eating somewhere they're cleaning the floor right next to our table! Dustin, and even Laila have noticed! I can't get angry, it's a little piece of my mom I carry with me. It may not be pleasant, it may be an inconvienence, but it gets a chuckle out of us, and it reminds me she's with me always.
The other day Dustin, the girls and I went out to lunch at The Olive Garden. It was nice and empty inside, just a few tables, and quiet, just how we like it. We ordered, shared some breadsticks and salad, and soon our food arrived. Suddenly, I heard it. The sound of a hand-vac, someone running it over the floor right next to our table. I didn't see any crumbs, or the need to clean the floor while we were eating. I have noticed it before, I can't lie, it seems as though nearly every time we're eating somewhere they're cleaning the floor right next to our table! Dustin, and even Laila have noticed! I can't get angry, it's a little piece of my mom I carry with me. It may not be pleasant, it may be an inconvienence, but it gets a chuckle out of us, and it reminds me she's with me always.
March 08, 2010
Fed up
I have been holding this in for some time now, and I think I've finally been pushed to my breaking point. I've reached my limit on how much I can swallow and just let go. If you get in the way of the firing range, I'm sorry, but I've put up with enough.
I may not have a "real job", but damn it, I do work. I maintain this house to the best of my ability. I take care of my kids, they are always clean, fed, and taken care of in the best way I know how. I make sure the bills are paid on time and in full, I do the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I don't depend on my children to take care of the house, or anything of the sort. By no means do I feel I'm "better" than anyone, but I do feel for my age, I am quite mature and I have my priorities straight. I have never been without a vehicle, food, a home, or the things they need or want. I will admit, I depend on my husband's paycheck when they come in, but we are in this marriage, and this life 100/100, not 50/50. We each put every bit of ourselves into this marriage, and we each bring different things. Just because I don't bring in a paycheck doesn't mean I don't pay the bills, just because Dustin doesn't change every diaper doesn't make him any less of a father, either.
I am 25 years old, and I may not have been through everything the next person has, but I have been through my fair share of toils and troubles. I choose to share certain things with certain people. I think their lack of knowledge about me has caused them to judge me, for my age, for my experiences, and from their own problems. No, it's not right, but I refuse to defend myself. I will not stand to be judged by anyone, for any reason. If someone wants to form opinons about me, they have every right, but I have every right to do the same. I will not act like a child, I will not play games. I may be 10 years younger than some of my friends, but the things I have accomplished prove age is nothing but a number.
I have been thinking long and hard, and have tried to form a decent opinion about things such as unemployment, state aid, and things of that nature. Dustin and I talked about it last week, and we are on the same page. We have agreed there is a big stigma attached to things like welfare, and unfortunately I have come across some people in my life who make that stigma what it is. Sitting at home collecting unemployment is one thing, but getting out there and looking for a job when you're unemployed is another. I think unemployment is a fabulous thing, it is there to help you, but not support your lifestyle. We are homeowners, again, I don't think this makes me any better than anyone else, but I don't have to lie about it. When there's a for sale sign in your front yard, and your name's not on the house, it's pretty obvious you're lying. When you have to lie to get food stamps, you know you're in trouble. I would never dream of asking for help I don't absolutely, positively need. I may not be eating surf 'n' turf every night for dinner, but I make sure what we have we can afford, we can pay for, and that makes it the best thing I've ever eaten.
I am angry, hurt, and upset that my husband works his ass off to pay for others to sit at home and abuse the system. I have sacraficed a lot for my kids, and for my husband. I would love to go out and buy him a motorcycle on someone else's buck, but I won't. I would love to go get my nails done every week, I wish I could hop in my car and just drive away, let my kids take care of each other and never worry about a thing, but that's unrealistic. Beggars can't be choosers. If the day ever comes that I decide to go back to work, I'm not going to limit myself to a job in a certain field, or something at a certain dollar amount. A job is a job, you're more employable when you're employed, and if that means starting off at the bottom of the ladder, I'm never to proud to do so. I know at the end of the day, when my bills are paid, when my kids are asleep, and when I go to rest my head at night, I have done the right thing. I have worked my hardest, given it my best shot, and damn it, that's more than I can say for some people. I have my parents to thank for an honest up bringing, and my husband to thank for his faith, trust, and belief in me and our marriage. Our life together is splended, the only thing it's missing is jealousy, and that's ok by me.
I may not have a "real job", but damn it, I do work. I maintain this house to the best of my ability. I take care of my kids, they are always clean, fed, and taken care of in the best way I know how. I make sure the bills are paid on time and in full, I do the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I don't depend on my children to take care of the house, or anything of the sort. By no means do I feel I'm "better" than anyone, but I do feel for my age, I am quite mature and I have my priorities straight. I have never been without a vehicle, food, a home, or the things they need or want. I will admit, I depend on my husband's paycheck when they come in, but we are in this marriage, and this life 100/100, not 50/50. We each put every bit of ourselves into this marriage, and we each bring different things. Just because I don't bring in a paycheck doesn't mean I don't pay the bills, just because Dustin doesn't change every diaper doesn't make him any less of a father, either.
I am 25 years old, and I may not have been through everything the next person has, but I have been through my fair share of toils and troubles. I choose to share certain things with certain people. I think their lack of knowledge about me has caused them to judge me, for my age, for my experiences, and from their own problems. No, it's not right, but I refuse to defend myself. I will not stand to be judged by anyone, for any reason. If someone wants to form opinons about me, they have every right, but I have every right to do the same. I will not act like a child, I will not play games. I may be 10 years younger than some of my friends, but the things I have accomplished prove age is nothing but a number.
I have been thinking long and hard, and have tried to form a decent opinion about things such as unemployment, state aid, and things of that nature. Dustin and I talked about it last week, and we are on the same page. We have agreed there is a big stigma attached to things like welfare, and unfortunately I have come across some people in my life who make that stigma what it is. Sitting at home collecting unemployment is one thing, but getting out there and looking for a job when you're unemployed is another. I think unemployment is a fabulous thing, it is there to help you, but not support your lifestyle. We are homeowners, again, I don't think this makes me any better than anyone else, but I don't have to lie about it. When there's a for sale sign in your front yard, and your name's not on the house, it's pretty obvious you're lying. When you have to lie to get food stamps, you know you're in trouble. I would never dream of asking for help I don't absolutely, positively need. I may not be eating surf 'n' turf every night for dinner, but I make sure what we have we can afford, we can pay for, and that makes it the best thing I've ever eaten.
I am angry, hurt, and upset that my husband works his ass off to pay for others to sit at home and abuse the system. I have sacraficed a lot for my kids, and for my husband. I would love to go out and buy him a motorcycle on someone else's buck, but I won't. I would love to go get my nails done every week, I wish I could hop in my car and just drive away, let my kids take care of each other and never worry about a thing, but that's unrealistic. Beggars can't be choosers. If the day ever comes that I decide to go back to work, I'm not going to limit myself to a job in a certain field, or something at a certain dollar amount. A job is a job, you're more employable when you're employed, and if that means starting off at the bottom of the ladder, I'm never to proud to do so. I know at the end of the day, when my bills are paid, when my kids are asleep, and when I go to rest my head at night, I have done the right thing. I have worked my hardest, given it my best shot, and damn it, that's more than I can say for some people. I have my parents to thank for an honest up bringing, and my husband to thank for his faith, trust, and belief in me and our marriage. Our life together is splended, the only thing it's missing is jealousy, and that's ok by me.
March 07, 2010
Slip & Fall
Today, I slipped and fell, right on my ass, in the entry way of Wal*Mart. I must admit, I was mortified, but more upset than anything. The way I was treated was unreal, and I am so disgusted just thinking about it. I walked in carrying Kenadi, it was drizzling and there were no mats, rugs, or fans to dry any of the water on the floor. I was thankful neither Kenadi or I was hurt, and Laila didn't even slip, but the reactions of the on-lookers hurt more than any bruise could have. The gentleman working the register walked casually over to me to ask if we were okay, but never even asked if we needed any help. He told me he doesn't have a mop, and stood there and watched me struggle to regain myself. I stood Kenadi up and had Laila hold her hand while I tried to get up unassisted. Being 20 weeks pregnant and having slipped on the wet floor to begin with, I had a bit of a hard time. Once I was up and moving, some guy told me "Nice catch!" I'm assuming he meant that Kenadi's head missed the concrete floor by a mere inch or so. There were at least a dozen other on-lookers who were chatting with each other and simply asked "Are you okay?" as I walked by. Of course I am, do you think I'd be going on about my shopping if I wasn't? Thanks for asking me as I walk by you so you feel like you did your good deed for the day.
I went on with my shopping and checked out with the same person who treated me so poorly when I fell. He had the nerve to ask me why I insist on going out in this weather with kids, and proceeded to tell me I'll learn my lesson the hard way by slipping and falling again if I'm not careful! I just stood there, completely appalled. Why on Earth should I have to defend myself to a cashier about why I'm out and about with my kids? I went to Fry's, did my routine grocery shopping, and came home. I was still so burnt up about it I called Wal*Mart to complain. The manager told me he'd talk to the guy's immediate supervisor. They said one rug was put down, but they didn't have enough to have them at every entrance. I told him maybe Wal*Mart needs to invest in a few more rugs. How ridiculous. I even told the manager what the guy said to me, and he laughed and said maybe it is a cultural thing. Cultural thing? CULTURAL THING? For some washed up over-opinionated minimum-wage paid teenager at Wal*Mart to talk to me like that is going to be excused as a cultural thing, I don't think so. I am writing to corporate and reporting the incident as well, since I don't feel it was handled properly. The manager of the store on duty told me there was a message sent out that someone fell and by the time someone was able to get away to look for me I was already up and gone. Was I supposed to sit there on the floor with my 2 kids, hope someone may have finally broke down and helped me up? No way. I am a strong, independent woman, and thank goodness for it too. With the way society is these days, I can't believe how things like compassion and human decency have gone to the way side. Our lives are all strained, and we need to be able to depend on each other. I see that clearly isn't the case anymore, but rest assured, my girls will be raised to help out someone in need. We donate food to the food drives, supplies to the schools, and our time to help others. That's how I sleep well at night, knowing I have done my best to do the right thing.
I went on with my shopping and checked out with the same person who treated me so poorly when I fell. He had the nerve to ask me why I insist on going out in this weather with kids, and proceeded to tell me I'll learn my lesson the hard way by slipping and falling again if I'm not careful! I just stood there, completely appalled. Why on Earth should I have to defend myself to a cashier about why I'm out and about with my kids? I went to Fry's, did my routine grocery shopping, and came home. I was still so burnt up about it I called Wal*Mart to complain. The manager told me he'd talk to the guy's immediate supervisor. They said one rug was put down, but they didn't have enough to have them at every entrance. I told him maybe Wal*Mart needs to invest in a few more rugs. How ridiculous. I even told the manager what the guy said to me, and he laughed and said maybe it is a cultural thing. Cultural thing? CULTURAL THING? For some washed up over-opinionated minimum-wage paid teenager at Wal*Mart to talk to me like that is going to be excused as a cultural thing, I don't think so. I am writing to corporate and reporting the incident as well, since I don't feel it was handled properly. The manager of the store on duty told me there was a message sent out that someone fell and by the time someone was able to get away to look for me I was already up and gone. Was I supposed to sit there on the floor with my 2 kids, hope someone may have finally broke down and helped me up? No way. I am a strong, independent woman, and thank goodness for it too. With the way society is these days, I can't believe how things like compassion and human decency have gone to the way side. Our lives are all strained, and we need to be able to depend on each other. I see that clearly isn't the case anymore, but rest assured, my girls will be raised to help out someone in need. We donate food to the food drives, supplies to the schools, and our time to help others. That's how I sleep well at night, knowing I have done my best to do the right thing.
March 06, 2010
Proud
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? It physically brough your body pain, tears to your eyes, because you have a love so deep for another human being? I have, and I do, I love my husband so much there are days I can hardly breathe. Today, I am so proud to be Dustin Smith's wife. He is one amazing man, and I wish I could walk to the end of my driveway and hold up a banner large enough for the world to see, just to let everyone know how much he means to me.
Sure, there are days when things aren't 110% perfect, there are days when a stinky sock left just outside the hamper is enough to push me over the edge, or the mere thought of having to cook one more meal is enough to cause me to go bald from ripping my hair out, but none of that matters in the long run. What matters is the love we have for each other, and how that love for each other has overflown our cups, and ran into the lives of our family and friends.
Dustin grew up in a single parent home, very poor and seeing his mom struggle to make ends meet. However, the lack of money hardly meant a lack of love. This background has made him the man he is today: hardworking, loving, caring, and determined. The list goes on, the attributes he brings to this relationship make me want to be a better woman, wife, and mother. Where I am lacking, he makes up for, I just hope he feels I do the same for him.
I am a stay at home mom, and without him, it would be impossible. His work ethic is impecable, I've seen him go in on days I wouldn't even dream of getting out of bed, just so I can have the best. No, we don't live in a mansion or have hired help, we don't have a lexus in our driveway or a rolex on each wrist, but what we do have he has earned. I'd rather live in a cardboard box, eating ramen and drinking powdered milk than live off of someone else's dollar. I would never dream of living off the government, my parents, or friends. We share an upbringing so strong, and share a pride above many others these days. When I say pride, I mean if it meant flipping burgers at Wendy's to pay the bills, he'd do it. I've seen him work 2 full time jobs right after one of our babies were born, to make sure she had diapers and formula. Missing time with the family is irreplacable, and he has given up more than his fair share as a sacrafice for others. He knows nothing but how to give, and it's admirable.
The adventures we have been through in this life seem to have just begun. We've taken some major steps together-marriage, buying a house, purchasing new cars, having children, and moving, but the little steps in between will never be forgotten. All his hard work, dedication, and love is more than enough to get me by. A paycheck is just a paycheck, money will come and go, but I know no matter what, he will stay. There are days when I feel I have no one, and I turn to my side and he is always standing there. Always.
Sure, there are days when things aren't 110% perfect, there are days when a stinky sock left just outside the hamper is enough to push me over the edge, or the mere thought of having to cook one more meal is enough to cause me to go bald from ripping my hair out, but none of that matters in the long run. What matters is the love we have for each other, and how that love for each other has overflown our cups, and ran into the lives of our family and friends.
Dustin grew up in a single parent home, very poor and seeing his mom struggle to make ends meet. However, the lack of money hardly meant a lack of love. This background has made him the man he is today: hardworking, loving, caring, and determined. The list goes on, the attributes he brings to this relationship make me want to be a better woman, wife, and mother. Where I am lacking, he makes up for, I just hope he feels I do the same for him.
I am a stay at home mom, and without him, it would be impossible. His work ethic is impecable, I've seen him go in on days I wouldn't even dream of getting out of bed, just so I can have the best. No, we don't live in a mansion or have hired help, we don't have a lexus in our driveway or a rolex on each wrist, but what we do have he has earned. I'd rather live in a cardboard box, eating ramen and drinking powdered milk than live off of someone else's dollar. I would never dream of living off the government, my parents, or friends. We share an upbringing so strong, and share a pride above many others these days. When I say pride, I mean if it meant flipping burgers at Wendy's to pay the bills, he'd do it. I've seen him work 2 full time jobs right after one of our babies were born, to make sure she had diapers and formula. Missing time with the family is irreplacable, and he has given up more than his fair share as a sacrafice for others. He knows nothing but how to give, and it's admirable.
The adventures we have been through in this life seem to have just begun. We've taken some major steps together-marriage, buying a house, purchasing new cars, having children, and moving, but the little steps in between will never be forgotten. All his hard work, dedication, and love is more than enough to get me by. A paycheck is just a paycheck, money will come and go, but I know no matter what, he will stay. There are days when I feel I have no one, and I turn to my side and he is always standing there. Always.
March 04, 2010
Skeletons
Everyone has them, skeletons in the closet, secrets, things we're ashamed of or wish never happened. But what about the things you enjoyed, but knew were wrong? Everyone has done something that they knew was so wrong, but felt so damn right at the time. What happens to those memories? If they're wrong, you don't share them often, or maybe not ever, but you liked them, loved them even, and you have to surpress them. They get eaten alive, washed away, hidden, maybe even lost. Then, one day, you're folding clothes, driving in the car, pumping gas, maybe you catch a whiff of someone at the store or hear a song on the radio, and one of those memories creeps back up into your head and you sit there, shell shocked, wondering what to do with yourself. This, is where I find myself sitting right now.
Life takes so many changes, so many forks in the road, how will you ever know if you picked the right one? How different my life may have been had I not made the choices I made that brought me to where I am today. I have entertained the idea of where I'd be without kids, if I had stayed in school longer, got a degree maybe, or never moved out west. I have made some relationships that have lasted through all these adventures, and there have been some that have sabotaged others. I struggle with the unknown, the "what if" and "maybe"'s of life, which is what brings me back to the state that I'm in. There are moments I have pushed so far to the back of my mind, and even tried convincing myself didn't happen, but they are working their way to the front of my mind at full speed tonight.
There are people I have spent time with that may never know the extent of my feelings for them, or how I may have felt for them in the past. There are people who have been hurt or wronged by me and misunderstandings never got resolved, and now relationships are severed and ruined. There's no taking it back, any of it, good or bad, I just hope I can work through these feelings and memories, sooner rather than later.
Life takes so many changes, so many forks in the road, how will you ever know if you picked the right one? How different my life may have been had I not made the choices I made that brought me to where I am today. I have entertained the idea of where I'd be without kids, if I had stayed in school longer, got a degree maybe, or never moved out west. I have made some relationships that have lasted through all these adventures, and there have been some that have sabotaged others. I struggle with the unknown, the "what if" and "maybe"'s of life, which is what brings me back to the state that I'm in. There are moments I have pushed so far to the back of my mind, and even tried convincing myself didn't happen, but they are working their way to the front of my mind at full speed tonight.
There are people I have spent time with that may never know the extent of my feelings for them, or how I may have felt for them in the past. There are people who have been hurt or wronged by me and misunderstandings never got resolved, and now relationships are severed and ruined. There's no taking it back, any of it, good or bad, I just hope I can work through these feelings and memories, sooner rather than later.
This is going to be a short post today, but I'm bored, again (imagine that!) and need something to do while I wait for the time to pass. I'm sick today, I feel terrible-stuffy/runny nose, sore throat, headache...you get the idea. Being pregnant and sick is never a good combo, the baby takes what little energy I have left, and the girls get the crappy end of the stick. Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. Watching "Blue's Clues" and eating whatever they want all day probably sounds pretty good to a 4 year old right about now.
Yesterday we spent the day out and about as a family, and it sure felt good. There's a certain comforting feeling of just being with the ones you love, when it stops feeling like work and starts feeling like a good time. I love those days. We went to lunch at Chipotle, shopped a bit at Old Navy and Walmart, stopped and picked up some BoSa donuts, and made a trip out to the library. We had a great dinner at home together and enjoyed some of those tasty donuts for dessert.
Days like that make me so glad I have kids, they love me no matter what I'm wearing, how much money is in our bank account, what's in the pantry, or whether or not I'm wearing make-up. It's the most gratifying feeling knowing I'm doing my best, and my best is always more than enough for them.
Yesterday we spent the day out and about as a family, and it sure felt good. There's a certain comforting feeling of just being with the ones you love, when it stops feeling like work and starts feeling like a good time. I love those days. We went to lunch at Chipotle, shopped a bit at Old Navy and Walmart, stopped and picked up some BoSa donuts, and made a trip out to the library. We had a great dinner at home together and enjoyed some of those tasty donuts for dessert.
Days like that make me so glad I have kids, they love me no matter what I'm wearing, how much money is in our bank account, what's in the pantry, or whether or not I'm wearing make-up. It's the most gratifying feeling knowing I'm doing my best, and my best is always more than enough for them.
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