Daily grind

I feel like I should be blogging. I feel the need to sit here, type, and occupy my brain, but nothing is coming to mind to write about. I wish I had something exicting to say, some great news to share, but just the daily grind comes to mind.

Dustin called off sick yesterday and stayed home, he had a pretty bad fever and slept almost all day, most of the night, and almost all day again today. I have a pretty bad ear ache, and a headache on and off all day today. Still, I managed to make a big breakfast, a tasty lunch, and I even baked stuffed shells with cheese, and chicken parm from scratch for Dustin to take to work. Dinner for the kids and I is in the oven, and I just saw Dustin off to work with a full lunch box and a kiss.

Laila is being her usual self today, getting under my skin at the worst possible moments. We did spend a nice afternoon together having lunch and watching America's Top Model, I'm an addict. It's shallow, the show makes me feel absolutely terrible about myself, yet I sit and watch these beautiful girls and think how they are wasting their lives by not having children and a home, but by just trying to be a pretty face.

Kenadi, my dear Kenadi, has graced me with an overabundance of #2 diapers today. Just my luck on a day I'm feeling exceptionally nauseas, she gets the hershey squirts. Such is life. She took a good nap today and is as full of it as ever. Just how I like it.

I took a look at my calendar for March, and I'm exhausted just reading everything we have scheduled! Out of the whole month, there's just a handful of days without work, doctor visits, a playdate, or some other kind of outing scheduled. I'm looking forward to keeping busy, as it helps the time go by faster in anticipation of meeting Dustin Jr. I went to Phoenix with a great friend yesterday, dragged her kids, mine, and one extra all to the thrift store and made out like a bandit! I purchased 60 items and spend just under $70! I was able to buy things for both the girls, a few books for me, and enough clothes to get the baby's closet ready for his arrival! I also picked out his carseat and stroller today online, I'm very excited to purchase it! I just hope the shower proves to be prosperous, we still need all the help we can get! It's like starting over completely!

I can smell dinner in the oven, it must be close to done. The girls are fighting in the bathroom, and the house is a mess. I better get on with life and pick up the pieces, because if I don't, no one else will...

Our son

Today, I am 18 weeks 3 days pregnant, and today, I found out I am having a son. I must admit, I was pretty blown away with the news. Even though I saw with my own 2 eyes, the results were still shocking.

Though I am excited, happy, overjoyed even, I still feel a little twinge of sadness in my heart. I look at my two beautiful, darling daughters and secretly hoped for another one. I know this is what's meant for me, and I will do my best as a mother, but admitting I'm terrified is the first step.

"He's got the whole world in his hands..." Will he play sports, a musical instrument, draw, sing, fight crime, heal the world? His little hand has the whole world sitting in it, and he doesn't even know it yet. It's my job to give it to him, to push him to strive and always want for more. I will love him unconditionally

"Remember when the sound of little feet was the music We danced to week to week Brought back the love, we found trust Vowed we'd never give it up Remember when..." That's all I could think of when I saw this photo, his little piggies are so tiny! I know, just like Laila and Kenadi, he will leave footprints on my heart.

This, is my son.

Unsatisfied

I roll out of bed after listening to Kenadi's toy go off over the monitor for a good 10-15 minutes. I start a cup of tea, attempt to peel my eyelids open enough to change her diaper and slap some food down on her high chair tray, and I tell myself "Self, today, you WILL be productive". Sure enough, once my tea is finished, I find myself gravitated to the computer, I crack it open and there I am, farting around on facebook. Again. I get excited by the number of notifications I have, or disappointed by the lack there of. I peek at my friend's posts, serve the food in my cafe, water the plants in my fairy garden, and then realize, yet again, this is what I do every day. I'm just as boring as I thought. And just as predictable.

I swear, some days, we live in Pleasantville. What's at the end of Main Street? Why, the beginning again, of course! This little city, town, whatever you call it, is eating me alive. But the drive into Chandler, Tempe, or Phoenix eats my bank account, so I make the sacrafice and stay home. Bored. Bored. Bored. As I am right now. The highlight of my day is when there's a new episode of Blue's Clues on the DVR. When we moved out to Vegas, I couldn't believe myself! There was so much to do, places to go, people to see, I had a job and I had freedom! But now, here we are, in the middle of nowhere, yet again. The core of what I spent my whole live getting away from. I swore when I got out of Stevensville, I would never go back. Now it feels like Stevensville has found me here. This city is no place to raise kids, sure, it's clean and has an over abundance of schools, but seriously, we had to wait almost a year after moving here just to get a Wal*Mart. There are parks, but holy shit, its 100+ degrees all summer long, you can hardly check the mail without getting a sunburn.

I feel like I'm suffocating, drowning, sinking so slowly and there's no one there to offer me a hand. I have great friends, people who will go out for me at any hour of the night to retrieve a chalupa, but how is that supposed to be enough? Maybe I am unhappy with myself. I wish I had the answer here. Dustin's amazing, supportive and loving, but I know my attitude can't be all that easy to live with. I feel it affecting our marriage. He feels like it's his fault, I feel like it's mine, and no one gets anywhere. Money. Let me talk about money. Somehow, some way, no matter how much comes in, there's never enough. His checks get bigger, the bills follow suit. I struggle to maintain a budget, and I feel he's frustrated when there isn't enough extra spending money for him to go shopping at Home Depot, or for us to order out chinese on the weekend. When the checks come in and there's barely enough to pay the bills, I have to magically make it stretch to buy diapers, food, and gas for the cars. Maybe I should just get a job. If daycare didn't cost more than I would be making, I would. I surely can't afford to sign up Laila for dance or gymnastics or anything like that, especially not with another baby on the way.

I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way. The only one who struggles on a daily basis to listen to their kid's voice, because it's so whiney and annoying. I see all these moms posting about how great their life is, how wonderful their children are, how happy their life makes them. What the hell is my problem? I love my girls, more than anything, but there are days when I just want to shove them out the front door and pray for the best. Tag a $5 spot on their shirt for gas money and give them a nice push. No, I would never, ever dream of doing such a thing, but inside, damn it sure sounds good. I can't wait to have this new baby, but I struggle with the fact that it means starting over. I must just be extremly selfish. I look at it not like the start of a new life for us, but as it's pushing back the life we will be having once the kids are grown. I want nothing more than to watch them grow, and to spend the rest of my life with my husband. I just wish I had a fast forward button, or a money tree in the back yard. I have worked very hard for the things I have, the relationships I have made, and the life that I live. Will I ever feel satisfied, or will I always want more? I wish, just this once, I had all the answers.

Spelling Bee

Laila is enjoying preschool and learning way more than I ever thought! Last night while Dustin was at work, we were chatting on Facebook (no surprise there) and Laila wanted to talk to her daddy. I told her she'd have to type herself. That little stinker, she got in front of the computer and typed all sorts of words to her daddy! I knew she was learning to read and sound out a few words, she's been able to write the alphabet for nearly a year, but spelling too? I must admit, I was beyond impressed. I know, I'm a little -ok, a lot- partial, because she's mine, but she's only 4 1/2 years old, and can easily spell 10+ words. No, they're nothing exciting, but to her, they're monumentous. She typed things like: cab, cat, dog, bed, dad, bad, moon, sun, and even her name, Laila Smith. I didn't help her spell any of them, and she was sounding them out and finding the letters herself on the keyboard! What a little spelling bee I have!

I am so proud, I had to share. =) That's all for now, this is just me being a proud mom. =)

Running Away

I feel as though I have to defend myself, yet again. The decisions I make, the ones of the past, and the ones of the future, they're my decisions, and will affect only myself and my family. I have not been hasty, I have thought them through and done what I feel is best for us as a whole, and for the long haul.

The past few years haven't been easy, and I know the ones to come are going to be just as tough. Moving across the United States, having more children, buying a house, these are all huge committments, and have taken some serious thought and consideration. As I'm sure many of you know, I have a step-daughter, and she lives in Michigan. She's 5 1/2, and leaving her was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Without the support of my friends and family, it's something I doubt Dustin and I could have done. My heart is saddened by the way some people have reacted, and hurt by the things that have been said. I never asked to be "the other woman", but now that I am, my heart hurts knowing what a sad and sorry life Riley is being handed.

I want to take this opportunity to let each and every person who has doubted us that we feel we have made the best decision for our family. The economy in Michigan is one of the worst in the U.S. We were living in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with Laila, and having Riley every other weekend, with barely any room for the 4 of us to eat dinner, let alone visit and enjoy each other's company. We had decided early on we wanted more for ourselves, and cell phone sales just wasn't going to pay the bills and get us out of the situation we were in. We moved west, to Vegas, and started a new life for ourselves. The last thing we did was "run away", especially from Riley. There was no way thing were going to look up for us there, and I find it far from fair to have to limit myself, Dustin, or Laila, because Riley's mom has made bad choices. Dustin and I were together before Riley was born, and have been since. Things did not end smoothly for them, but it was not in vain. We now have a beautiful family, a wonderful marriage, and a long life ahead of us.

In Vegas, we found better jobs, more money, a bigger place, and things started to look better. After a year, Dustin got another job offer and we moved to Arizona. Not my idea of a good time, but I made a vow to stand by my husband, good or bad, and along I went, again, making hard decisions for my self and my family. Things are close to perfect, but not a day goes by that I don't miss that little girl's face.

I receive updates occasionally from family or friends, and they're never good. No true mother puts themselves first, no one who cares deeply for their unborn child will go drinking knowing good and well they're pregnant, smoke throughout the pregnancy, and continue to shuffle their child off to anyone who's available. What happened to spending valuable time with your daughter? Almost 6 years old and struggling to hold a pencil, no education or values being instilled, it almost makes me sick. I see where Laila is, and where Riley could be, and it breaks my heart. I believe a child doesn't have to follow in their parent's footsteps, they can break the cycle, but there has to be a good upbringing, and there has to be a want for something better. Living a life of someone without children, when you have a daughter that depends on your every move, is so selfish. That little girl is more than a child support payment to buy a pack of cigarettes with, or to go to the bar with your girlfriend with, she's a human with feelings. She's more than a tax credit or an excuse, she's your life...or she should be.

We have asked, begged, pleaded to be able to see Riley since our initial move, and all has been denied. Obviously, if you've heard any of this story before, you know I ripped my husband away from his daughter and forced him to stay away from her. December 2009 we were in Michigan, and Riley had the opportunity to meet her little sister, and her mom said no. Why? Because she didn't "want to deal with her" after we left and came back to AZ. It sounds to me like if anyone is running away, it's her. Sad, absolutely...but even more sadly, from her, it's expected.

Feeding the Ducks

It was gorgeous out, Dustin had the day off, and there was nothing to do. We stopped by Basha's, grabbed a 99 cent loaf of bread and took the girls to Cobblestone to feed the ducks. I had no idea I'd be in for the time of my life. These little girls are my heart and soul; 99 cents and one hour later, we were their heros.

Laila and Dustin did most of the feeding, I couldn't put my camera down! There were so many ducks, they even came up onto the sidewalk where we were sitting to enjoy a few pieces of bread. Kenadi, on the other hand, didn't bother getting down off the bench. She was enjoying the fluffy white bread just as much as those ducks. When her piece was gone, she was ready to go, and ready for a nap!

I think sometimes I forget about the little things in life, like feeding the ducks. I'm always so busy, cleaning this, washing that, shuffling Laila off to school, cooking meals, I don't take time out to just live, be, enjoy. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. No watches ticking, no phones ringing, nobody asking for this or that, just the quiet outdoors and my beautiful family. Who could ask for more than that? Call me selfish, but these are the moments I live for, and I will take my time enjoying them, soaking up the sunshine of their smiles.

Catch-up

Tuesday Laila had her very first dentist appointment! I am not sure which one of us was more nervous, her or me. Dustin, Laila, Kenadi and I all went to the dentist together. I left my camera at home, but it would have made no difference if I had brought it. I hyped up her trip to the dentist so much, she was super excited to go. The office is set up to look like a pirate ship, there's a pirate, toys, even a fish tank built right into the wall, and the whole place is painted to look like a ship and the water off the shore. Pretty neat. As soon as they called her name, I was sure she was going to ask me to go with her. Boy, was I wrong! She completely melted down, crying, shaking, and wanted ONLY her daddy. My heart was broken, smashed into a million tiny pieces. He carried her back there, kicking and screaming, and left me and Kenadi alone to wait. After about 35 minutes, they emerged from the back, Laila had a new tooth brush and a bright green diamond shaped ring, all smiles. Dustin, poor guy, looked like he had been through the ringer. He said she screamed and cried so hard, they had to do a "knee to knee" exam. He held Laila on his lap face to face, and sat knee to knee with the dentist. They leaned Laila backwards and he examined her teeth that way. Good news is, no cavaties! Her teeth and gums look great, and she nas nice spacing for when her adult teeth come in. He did say she grinds her front teeth a little at night, but nothing to be alarmed about since she doesn't complain about her mouth or head hurting. I'm so proud of my angel!

Another big thing that happened this week was the baby moved and I finally felt it! I was so pleased! I have had minimal doctor care (by choice) and waiting in between appointments to hear good news can be frustrating at times. I have heard the baby's heartbeat once, and won't even schedule my ultrasound until my next appointment on Monday. I have opted for no screening or testing to be done, and I chose the same things for Laila and Kenadi during those pregnancies as well. I like to let my body sort of lead the way, and when I finally felt the baby move, I was estatic! I have felt the baby a few other times too, and each time it makes me giggle. I am carrying super high this time, so I was surprised to feel the baby kicking so low, but as long as the baby is healthy, it can kick me anytime it wants. We are desperate to find out if this is a boy, or another girl. We have names picked out for both, I just need to get a head start on things if this happens, by some miracle, to be a boy. I have 2 girl bedrooms, boxes and boxes of girl clothes, and everything in between is pink and frilly. =) I'm definitally prepared if this is a girl, though!

Things otherwise have been decent, Dustin's had no overtime this pay period, so we've spend a lot of time at home, or doing cheap/free things around town, or even at home. February is always the worst month for us, but after the next month or two passes, things will be fine again. I'm growing at a rapid speed, and so are the girls. Healthy, happy, and gorgeous. My family is phenomenal, and I am blessed.

Lost

This morning I woke up feeling completely and utterly lost. I feel so out of place. I don't know who I am, what I want, why I'm here, and it's terrifying. I feel as though all my decisions are damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either way, I am the loser. I come out on the bottom, right were I started. If I take 1 step forward, I'm taking 2 steps back.

Don't get me wrong, from the outside, things couldn't look better. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than anything in this world. I have a new house, two cars (one of which is new), and the most beautiful kids ever. All my bills are paid, I don't have to work, and I even have a little extra for me. I have friends who support my every move, and family that loves me dearly and will stand by me no matter what. So...why do I feel this way?

Years ago, "anti-depressants" were non-existant. They exist now, I take them, and feel no relief. I feel some days as though there are bars on my windows, the doors are locked from the outside, and the key has been swallowed by a fairy that flew away just minutes before I walked up. I feel like someone has stolen my checkbook, bank cards, and my cash has been ran through a shredder.That same jerk has slashed my tires, called me names, and degraded me to the point where I feel totally, and completely worthless. I have no where to go, nothing to do, and no one to do anything with. I am a slave, chained to this house, these kids; these walls are closing in on me and I have no way out.

I've entertained the idea of a vacation, but first and formost, with this baby on the way, it's financially impossible. And secondly, I'm still "mom"on vacation. I still have diapers to change, fights to referree, and all the other duties of a mother, just in a stuffy hotel room with a lot less of the amenities I have at home. I've thought, maybe a trip to the spa would be nice. But that trip makes me realize just how far from "those pretty girls" I really am, and makes me feel like an imposter. I'm not sure where to go from here. I digress.

Am I as terrible as I feel for having these thoughts? Of course, I love my children, my husband, my life-it's beautiful. Don't ever, ever think for a second I'd trade it for anything, there's no amount of money, no other life to compare with the one I have. I just need to find myself. I am lost. If you find me, please, return me to my shell, my body...it's roaming around out there somewhere.

25 Things

So I found this note, something I have completed once before, but decided to do again. It's 25 random things about me. Just bored enough to fill it out.

1) I was named after my mom's parents, the first two letters of each of their names combined makes mine. Joseph + Lillian = Joli

2) I have been a bookworm ever since I can remember. Once, in elementary school, I even won an award for the most books read out of the entire school from Book It!

3) I cuss like a sailor, but have taught my kids it's a terrible thing to do. I'm such a hypocrite.

4) I still sleep with a stuffed animal. I've had it for over 15 years, and can probably count on one hand the number of times I've spent the night without it.

5) I hate feet.

6) I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, and have promised myself to this day to never, ever let another human being lay their hands on me without serious repercussion.

7) I always wanted to take dance classes when I was little, but never had the nerve to ask my parents.

8) I hate it here in AZ, but I feel more at home here than I have anywhere since I was a little kid.

9) There are days I wonder who the hell I am, and how on earth I ended up in this life. This was never supposed to be me.

10) I love seafood. It makes me terribly sick to eat it, but I just can't help myself.

11) I want to finish college, get some sort of degree, but I honestly have no idea what I would ever want to do with my life.

12) I truly, with all my heart and soul, think Riley's mom is a piece of trash and I wish she'd realize it before it's too late. She has made things so miserable for us, it's easier not to have her in our lives at all.

13) I am terrified of needles, shots, and getting my blood drawn. Yet I can sit through a tattoo with no problem.

14) I hate people that are fake, lie, and cheat. At some point in my life, I have been all 3 of those. No wonder I don't like myself.

15) I have, hands down, the 2 most beautiful little girls on the planet. I thank God for them every day. And baby #3, I can't wait to meet you, too.

16) I love to watch movies, but it's been years since I've stepped foot in a cinema. I think they're overpriced and a breeding dish for germs, germs, and more germs.

17) I discriminate against green skittles. I will sit down and eat a whole pack, and pick out the red and green ones. The red, I eat last. The green, those get fed to the garbage can.

18) I love a nice glass of wine, or a bottle of Miller Lite, but I rarely get drunk. I find it much more amusing to be the sober one.

19) I love listening to music, and I feel when I listen to music I know my mom liked, it brings us closer together. I never want to lose the memory of her.

20) I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. I will spend the rest of my life showing him I love him just the same.

21) I think my family has a very skewed vision of who I am, and I am hurt that no one will take the time to get to know me for who I am, not just consider me "my father's daughter".

22) One of our 2 cars will be paid off in less than a year. I will feel much closer to financial freedom once I no longer have that payment to make every month.

23) My favorite author is Jodi Picoult. I have read every one of her books, except for one. I hope someday to be able to meet her, and to tell her how her novels have been my escape through some of the toughest times in my life.

24) I am afraid of clowns, spiders, and the dentist. I also don't like being up high unless I'm secured in place.

25) I've realized, after filling this out, my life is not nearly as important as I thought. I hope this didn't put everyone to sleep.

Today

Today. Today, I went to the park. I had a blast! Just a couple friends and their kids, and obviously my own. Kenadi went down the slide head first and gave herself "slide-burn" (similar to rug-burn, but from the slide) and never even cried. She flew off the end of that slide head first so fast all we could do was stare. Thank goodness for her fearless ambition and her never ending seeking of approval, we all clapped and she got up, brushed the dirt off, and went on about her business. Laila is finally getting a grasp on the whole "pumping your legs" while you swing idea. It's only taken her a good year to follow my instructions. Maybe that's one of those things someone else's mom needs to teach her.

Today. Today, Kenadi got her first pair of flip-flops, and Laila realized that adults feelings can be hurt too. It was quite moving, once she realized she hurt her daddy inside, she cried like a baby. She was afraid he wasn't going to forgive her. The love that emits from that child is unreal.

Today. Today, I have never been more thankful for my husband, and his support for me and our family. There have been days, many, many days, when he has worked 16+ hours, tired from the night before, and never once complained. When the money wasn't there, he got a second full time job, and again, never complained. He drives a little compact car, yet I drive an suv. He takes lunches to save money, and hardly asks for a thing. He is one man with his priorities straight, and I thank God for him every day. Today, especially.

Today. Today, I let other's people's problems and feelings get under my skin. I felt hurt, discouraged, disappointed, and disgusted. I felt used, wasted, and on the verge of being taken advantage of. I tried to brush these feelings off, thinking maybe I was over-reacting, but my friends asked how I couldn't have felt this way. Today, I also felt strong. I am a good person, and damnit, I will put my family first. Come hell or high water, there is nothing I wont do for them. To feed them, clothe them, shelter them, and protect them. They are my responsibility, and I will not use someone else, and ever have them feel the way I felt today.

Today. Today, I leave you with this quote:

I am strong because I am weak.
I am beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a lover because I am a fighter.
I am fearless because I have been afraid.
I am wise because I have been foolish.
& I can laugh because I've known sadness.