Unsatisfied

I roll out of bed after listening to Kenadi's toy go off over the monitor for a good 10-15 minutes. I start a cup of tea, attempt to peel my eyelids open enough to change her diaper and slap some food down on her high chair tray, and I tell myself "Self, today, you WILL be productive". Sure enough, once my tea is finished, I find myself gravitated to the computer, I crack it open and there I am, farting around on facebook. Again. I get excited by the number of notifications I have, or disappointed by the lack there of. I peek at my friend's posts, serve the food in my cafe, water the plants in my fairy garden, and then realize, yet again, this is what I do every day. I'm just as boring as I thought. And just as predictable.

I swear, some days, we live in Pleasantville. What's at the end of Main Street? Why, the beginning again, of course! This little city, town, whatever you call it, is eating me alive. But the drive into Chandler, Tempe, or Phoenix eats my bank account, so I make the sacrafice and stay home. Bored. Bored. Bored. As I am right now. The highlight of my day is when there's a new episode of Blue's Clues on the DVR. When we moved out to Vegas, I couldn't believe myself! There was so much to do, places to go, people to see, I had a job and I had freedom! But now, here we are, in the middle of nowhere, yet again. The core of what I spent my whole live getting away from. I swore when I got out of Stevensville, I would never go back. Now it feels like Stevensville has found me here. This city is no place to raise kids, sure, it's clean and has an over abundance of schools, but seriously, we had to wait almost a year after moving here just to get a Wal*Mart. There are parks, but holy shit, its 100+ degrees all summer long, you can hardly check the mail without getting a sunburn.

I feel like I'm suffocating, drowning, sinking so slowly and there's no one there to offer me a hand. I have great friends, people who will go out for me at any hour of the night to retrieve a chalupa, but how is that supposed to be enough? Maybe I am unhappy with myself. I wish I had the answer here. Dustin's amazing, supportive and loving, but I know my attitude can't be all that easy to live with. I feel it affecting our marriage. He feels like it's his fault, I feel like it's mine, and no one gets anywhere. Money. Let me talk about money. Somehow, some way, no matter how much comes in, there's never enough. His checks get bigger, the bills follow suit. I struggle to maintain a budget, and I feel he's frustrated when there isn't enough extra spending money for him to go shopping at Home Depot, or for us to order out chinese on the weekend. When the checks come in and there's barely enough to pay the bills, I have to magically make it stretch to buy diapers, food, and gas for the cars. Maybe I should just get a job. If daycare didn't cost more than I would be making, I would. I surely can't afford to sign up Laila for dance or gymnastics or anything like that, especially not with another baby on the way.

I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way. The only one who struggles on a daily basis to listen to their kid's voice, because it's so whiney and annoying. I see all these moms posting about how great their life is, how wonderful their children are, how happy their life makes them. What the hell is my problem? I love my girls, more than anything, but there are days when I just want to shove them out the front door and pray for the best. Tag a $5 spot on their shirt for gas money and give them a nice push. No, I would never, ever dream of doing such a thing, but inside, damn it sure sounds good. I can't wait to have this new baby, but I struggle with the fact that it means starting over. I must just be extremly selfish. I look at it not like the start of a new life for us, but as it's pushing back the life we will be having once the kids are grown. I want nothing more than to watch them grow, and to spend the rest of my life with my husband. I just wish I had a fast forward button, or a money tree in the back yard. I have worked very hard for the things I have, the relationships I have made, and the life that I live. Will I ever feel satisfied, or will I always want more? I wish, just this once, I had all the answers.