First Haircut

Since February doesn't always have 29 days, I decided to go ahead and blog about my little man now. I can't believe he's 7 months old, it's so amazing to me. He's doing so amazing, growing every day, I wish I could freeze time and preserve him right where he is.


Today was a big day, Dustin Jr. got his very first haircut! I think it's so crazy, Laila was 5, Kenadi was 2, and Dustin is only 7 months! I was able to save a lock of his hair, and even managed to snap a few photos between my tears. I think it's adorable how a few snips can transform a cute tiny baby into a handsome little boy.

One last picture of the long hair

Not sitting still!

Daddy and Ms. Jen holding him still

Back home, all cleaned up

Dustin Jr. did really well getting his hair cut today, I was concerned I'd be met with screaming and fidigeting, but it went rather smooth. He didn't care for the razor, but Daddy was there to the rescue, to hold him still and keep him calm. I know, he looks dreadfully sad in the photo, but he's not, I promise. Little man now really looks like a little man, it melts my heart into a big puddle of mommy.

I'd love to report that Dustin now has teeth, is crawling, or even pulling himself up-but he's not-and it's fabulous. My girls were doing things well before the average age milestones, and it's refreshing to have a baby that is so relaxed and cool. He does the worm across the floor, and he's so fast there are times I turn around and he's gone! He loves to play on the floor, he sits himself up and sticks everything in his mouth. He's eating 3 meals a day, still having an afternoon bottle and one before bedtime. He sleeps so wonderfully, I make everyone jealous when I explain his 12-14 hour nights!

I never dreamed of having a son, and now I have a true momma's boy. He loves his daddy, and his sisters, but there's no one in his life like his mommy. I hate to see him growing so quickly, he's beginning to feed him self snacks, he says "Da-da" and "Ma-ma", and he giggles like crazy. Having Dustin Jr. has opened my eyes to a whole new world, a brand new perspective, a new life. He melts my heart with his gorgeous blue eyes and his toothless smile. He scoots to me and rubs his head on my legs, I wish this could last forever. I know it can't, and I look forward to what new doors he has in store for me to help him open.

Speaking another language

This afternoon the American Diabetes Association held a photo shoot to portray life with diabetes, and how it's no different than life without. One can manage diabetes and still do anything, it doesn't make someone unstoppable, it only makes them stronger, more determined.

I drove nearly an hour to a stuffy, unorganized, cramped office space full of other diabetic children, just like Laila. All type 1 diabetics, all free and living great, healthy lives. If I didn't admit to being nervous, I'd be lying. I am the mother to a fairly new diabetic, these moms and volunteers looked so seasoned, so smart and mellow. I was a wreck trying to keep it together when Laila wanted snacks like the kids on the pumps, and Kenadi was munching on a baggie of goldfish crackers. Suddenly, a mom at the end of the table perked up and had her son show Laila his pump. Then another girl asked about Laila's diagnosis, and shared her diagnosis from over 20 years ago. A few teenagers started talking about sports and high school, it was amazing. Before I knew it, words like Lantus, NovoLog, ketones and endocrinologist were flying out of my mouth. I felt like I was speaking another language, but it was finally familiar.

After Laila's diagnosis, the 4 days we spent in the hospital pouring over medical information was tedious, but the peaceful feeling I have going to sleep every night knowing I've cared for my daughter to the best of my ability each day is worth every second. I never dreamed my life would take the change it did, but it has, and there is no turning back. I was terrified to take Laila home from the hospital last September, I am solely responsible for her care, and I was afraid I'd never be fully prepared.

No one looked at me funny or questioned my judgement; I was understood, and for once in my life I felt like I really, truly fit in. Not at the expense of my daughter, but as a mother. I have made the right choices, I have swiftly gone through the motions, I have memorized my diabetic's schedule, I have her carbohydrate counts down to a science, I can read her body language and I could give her a shot with my eyes closed. In that room today, I was a hero. I was an equal. I was a mother.

Post 200!

It seems as though I've reached 200 posts long before I thought I would, but none the less, here it is! I wanted to make sure it was a happy post, so here it goes!

Last night, I put Laila in her bed, Dustin Jr. in his crib, and Kenadi and I snuggled on the couch. We watched Grey's Anatomy, shared a snack and an Arizona Green Tea. After our snack, she fell asleep in my arms. I can't remember the last time she let me hold her until she fell asleep. I wanted to savor every second of it, letting her soft breaths fall on my chest, smelling her whispy blonde hair and feeling her soft skin. She was so beautiful, I let her sleep there for almost 2 hours before moving her to her bed.

This morning Laila returned to school after being off for nearly a week! It was delightful to see her smiling, eating a real breakfast, and getting dressed and ready to go. She was in a much better mood today, her cough has simmered down and her fever is gone. She even had a low blood sugar reading, which I haven't seen in over a week. She was in a much better mood, her hair was curly and beautiful, and her smile was radiant. We giggled the whole way to school this morning, and she showered me with kisses before getting out of the car. I just love watching her tiny little legs race to the door each morning.

I took Laila to school, came home, and found my little man was awake and giggling in his crib! I went to get him and we've been playing all morning! Usually, after dropping Laila off, I come home and go back to bed for another hour or so, but not today! Instead, I played with my son this morning. I kissed him, smelled him, changed him and giggled with him. We rolled around on the floor and brought out some toys. He may not be crawling the way other kids are, but he sure can do the worm...

We had a blast playing together, a good solid hour passed before I even realized it. One on one time is hard to find in this house, there is rarely a time when only one of my babies is home, or the only one awake. I'm so blessed, so fortunate to have such amazing children, and to be able to stay home with them, see them grow, watch them learn, and be a part of it all.

Thanks again to all my readers (whoever you are!) I hope you stick around for the next 100 posts! I love blogging, sharing my life with you through pictures, videos, and my words.

All my love.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I have been pondering my relationships lately, friends come and go, some friendships last longer than others, some dwindle away and never return. How do you tell the difference? That's something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to grasp, but I will continue to try. As I grow older, it's not any easier, and I still have plenty of sorting to do. I found this article, and as well as it breaks it down for me, letting go has never been easy.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime


People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Author Unknown


If you're reading this, maybe we're friends-maybe you're a stranger that stumbled across my blog. Either way, thank you for being in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Insulin

Laila's diabetes has put a strain on her life, the life of my family, and our checking account. Obviously, we do whatever we have to do to ensure our child has the supplies she needs, but that doesn't mean they don't come at a pretty hefty cost. I never expected to see the outrageous numbers flashing on the checkout screen at Walgreens every time I purchased a bottle of insulin, even with insurance, the prices are very high. Laila is not a typical type 1 diabetic, either. She is considered "intensive treatment", which translates to in the upwards of 5-6 shots of NovoLog, the "fast acting" insulin, as well as a nightly shot of Lantus, the "controlled release" insulin that helps her highs not be so high, and her lows not be so low. With that in mind, she goes through two different bottles of insulin a month. Luckily, our insurance teams with Medco and our out of pocket cost is minimalized, but to give you an idea of what it would be without insurance, check out this and this, add those first two numbers together and that doesn't even cover a 6 month supply.

Medco has been fantastic, we have been able to purchase Laila's testing strips and lancets at a very low price, as long as the doctor's office sends the prescription in by the time we need it, and writes it for enough to last her 6 months or more. While Dustin and I were in Las Vegas, I received a voicemail from the endocrinology team explaining Medco had a different prescription for Laila's insulin on file, and there was a mix-up. I returned the call, only to leave a voicemail. Laila's insulin supply runs out in 6 days, and I have been stressed about it since.

Today, my doorbell rang around 5pm, and I couldn't imagine who it could possibly be. Then, I remembered I ordered a box of diapers yesterday. Sure enough, there the diapers were, sitting on my doorstep (thanks, Amazon!), but on top of that box was a package addressed to Laila. Laila doesn't get mail, especially packages, so when I tore it open, I was completely shocked at what I found.

This picture is blurry, and to the untrained eye, looks just like a few boxes of prescriptions. It's not just a few boxes of insulin, it's an entire year's supply! I couldn't believe myself! I called my dad, in tears, just absoultely amazed at how many bottles came in the mail! I was supposed to receive a 180-day supply, which would have been less than one package, or equlivent to 3 vials each of the Lantus Solorstar pens and NovoLog vials. Each of the top boxes contains five pens, and each of the bottom boxes contain five refill vials! 15 bottles of each insulin will last Laila an entire year, I still can't believe it. The best part is yet to come! The insurance company bills you one co-pay amount for the entire order, and since these two very expensive prescriptions were shipped together I only owe (wait for it...brace yourself...) $40! I literally received, by mail to my doorstep, nearly $1300 worth of insulin for just $40. I'm afraid I may just faint, I never believed my prayers would be answered.

Laila may have diabetes, but it hasn't held her back yet. I pray it never will, we will always find a way around the obstacles, the best is yet to come.

Day 30 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Well, this is it. It's finally come to an end, this photo challenge. It was much fun, and I'm glad I did it. That being said, let's bring on the last picture, shall we?

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss...



Everyone knows I have a big family, but this is the core. This right here is a photo of the 10 kids my dad has had a hand in raising, instilling values in, and holding close to his heart. These are the people I miss, each and every one of them. Included, the old version of myself. I'm not saying I want her back, but a glimpse of her here and there would suffice. I hope everyone in this photo knows I love them, and I miss them each dearly.

Amazon Diapers

I wish I had something intelligent to say, or something interesting to blog about. Instead, I have nothing. I'm completely exhausted, wasted after the day I've had. All 3 of my kids are sick, and I'm still under the weather myself. It's not my idea of a good time, and it doesn't sound like it's going to get better anytime soon.

Already shipped today!

Something super did happen today, though!. I was browsing around on Pamper's Gifts to Grow rewards section, since I thought I had a pretty decent stack of points, I might as well find something to spend them on. Little D rarely uses Pampers diapers, I'm a die hard Huggies fan, so the codes I enter are usually from a random container of wipes or freebies online. I found a $10 gift code for diapers.com and thought I'd go to their site and poke around to see what I could purchase for that price. To me, a free pack of diapers is a free pack of diapers, even if they are a brand I don't prefer. Unfortunately, they want an outrageous $9.99 to ship anything under $45, so my little certificate wouldn't have taken me too far.

I did, however, find an amazing deal on Amazon! I try to score roughly $10 in Amazon gift cards through Swagbucks a month, and my January money sure came in handy today! I used a promotional code, along with free shipping and my gift cards and I scored a box of size 3 Pampers diapers 204 count for just $10.18! I couldn't believe it! What a sweet deal! I always try to stack up when I get the chance, and I can't think of a time I was able to score that many diapers for such a low price! That's only 5 cents a diaper! I must admit, I'm pretty proud of myself. Thanks, Amazon. Nothing like some retail therapy to boost a girl's spirits.

Day 29 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

These never seem to get any easier to choose, but I think I found the perfect picture for today.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile...



This picture is absolutely adorable, I love it. I remember that day, I couldn't stop laughing! Kenadi is poking her head into a fish bowl, it was the cutest thing. She had just learned to sit up on her own, so I would prop toys in between her legs to keep her busy and help her stay up, and this one must have just tickled her fancy.

Her curiosity inspires me, her free spirit makes me laugh, and her love is overflowing. This picture always brings a smile to my face, and you really can't blame me. She's a sweetheart, and this picture floods my heart with memories.

I Must Be Horrible

There are days, more often than not I'm sad to say, that I am afraid I can't handle much more. Tonight, and all day, my son has been fussy, clingy, and whiney. Very unlike him, yes, but still happening. I find myself pacing through the living room like a mad woman trying to remember who I am and how I got here to begin with. I know I'm not alone, but it sure as hell feels like it.

This evening, I broke the news to Laila that she has a doctor appointment this week, and she'd have to miss another day of school because of it. Double whammie. She hates missing school almost as much as she hates going to the doctor. It's in the hospital, and it's never a fun experience. It's a routine, quarterly check, and it should be fast and painless, but Laila drags it out to something ridiculous. The worst part? Getting her to stand on the scale. I know, it's silly, but for some reason she screams like a banshee and cries like a someone just ripped off one of her arms. Did I mention all this can be heard in the waiting room? Lovely, I know. So we have spent all evening in a funk. Laila hates having diabetes, and believe me, I hate that she has it. Having a "chronical illness" just doesn't seem to fit her, she looks so healthy. I wish with all my heart it didn't have to be this way, and I really wish she knew it. There are days, take today for example, that she treats me so badly. I know she's angry, sad, upset, scared, and a multitude of other emotions I'll never understand, but taking it out on me isn't helping anything. She cries, she winces in pain, she asks why she has to do this day in and day out, and I have nothing. Not an answer, not a magic wand, nothing.

Kenadi, my soulful hippie child, is another hot mess. She's been testing the waters lately with her little attitude of being the oldest at home while Laila's at school, and I'm not sure I like it. She thinks she's free to go into the refrigerator at any time, do as she pleases, and not listen. That's my favorite, the not listening part. It's totally awesome when your 2 year old tells you no. Lucky for her, this isn't my first time dealing with a 2 year old that thinks she's 20, I wasn't born yesterday. It just amazes me how different 2 children can be, and how one style of discipline wont necessarily work for them both. We have an understanding, her and I, but I think sometimes she forgets who is really in charge.

My sweet little man, he's had a rough day. Maybe he was too young to leave with someone, though Joanne did a phenomenal job I must say. He's literally been in my arms 80% of the day today. The other 20% has either been spent eating, sleeping, or crying on the floor for a few minutes while I scramble to get something done around here. It's almost 9:30pm and I finally gave up. I put him down in his crib and let him cry for a few minutes. Nothing major, just long enough for his little lulla-bye to play through. If he is still crying when it's over, I pick him up. I have only had to go into his room a handful of times to get him, here's to hoping tonight isn't one of those nights. Before we left for our "mini-vacay" he had an eye cold. With antibiotics and a loving mommy friend, he's doing just fine, I think he just missed me and is afraid I'm leaving him again. I hope he gets over this separation anxiety issue fast, I love him to death but I can't stand holding him all day! It's more my problem than his, I physically can't stand being touched, and it's miserable. For both of us.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully a better one. Until then, I've got a cup of tea and an episode of Grey's Anatomy waiting for me. We all will sleep it off tonight, and wake up refreshed tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow I won't feel like I'm still in this alone.

Day 28 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Talk about uncomfortable, choosing a photo of something I'm afraid of is not my idea of a good time. Anyway, here it is.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of...

Obviously, I can't capture a photo of every single dentist, past, present, and future, to walk this planet, so here you have it. It's a dentist char, complete with instruments and all, and it's the thing that scares me more than anything. For some reason, I can't shake it. I can't do it, I can't make myself overcome this fear. I thought I had, I was doing so well in Michigan, I found someone I trusted and even had a few cavaties filled, but now that we're not there anymore, it's back to square one. Maybe even not to square one yet, even further than where I started!

Maybe one day, I'll be able to park in the lot outside a dentist office without hyperventilating and bursting into tears. It's a distant hope for me now, but anything is possible. Only time will tell, we'll just have to wait and see. In the mean time, wish me luck.


VEGAS!

Dustin and I took a little secret getaway to Las Vegas for 2 nights, kid free! It was splendid, even if I was sick the entire time. A special thank you to Michelle and Joanne for taking such wonderful care of our babies!

Day 27 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I must admit, I missed a few days, but I had good reason! I was in VEGAS! I will post about that later, but for now, here's today's pick!

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member...

I miss Zayden so much, he was the closest thing I had to a son for a long time. When he was just 7 weeks old I began babysitting him regularly, and he was the sweetest thing ever! I was so close with him, I knew everything about him and cared for him like he was mine. There were days I took him shopping, out to lunch, or just snuggled with him while Laila napped, and I loved every minute of it!

 

It's been years since we moved away, but I still love him to bits. I no longer know what he likes, I can't take him shopping or out to lunch, and I can only wish I was able to snuggle with him! This picture took some time and some serious begging, but he eventually came around and planted a big smooch right on me! I would have squeezed him until his head popped off if he let me, but this was as good as it got, and that's alright with me! I'm not sure when I'll see him again, but I still love him just the same. I hope one day he knows it.

Day 26 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This was another picture I struggled to choose. Something is not the same as someone, so I had to do a little thinking.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you...

My camera is very important to me, it was a gift from my husband, and I know he put a lot of thought into picking it out. Even more than the camera itself, it's the photos, the memories I can preserve that is so important to me. To be able ot look back, remember a time or a place, it's an amazing feeling. I will have to many pictures to show my children when they grow, so many things they will not remember, but stories I will get to share. To know that no one will be forgotten, no memories misplaced, it gives me peace of mind for myself, and for my family.

Day 25 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This was an easy pick for me, I have so many dreams, and so many of them include smiles on my childrens' faces and laughter in the air.

Day 25 - A picture of your dream day...

One day, I hope to be able to take my family to Disney. The sights, the sounds, and the entire atmosphere is made from the dreams of children. To watch the delight dance in their eyes as they see the castle and the shows, the rides and all there is to offer, I can hardly wait.

Goats

Dustin called me from work today, he was on a break, and just had to tell me about one of his calls. Normally, he doesn't share too much information about the happenings around the City of Tempe, it's pretty standard to get calls about all sorts of things, but this was a new one. Goats. Apparently someone dialed 9-1-1 and reported a man yelling for help. The call claimed they could hear someone in a trailer yelling for help, possibly tied up or being harmed. This is what they found.

When Dustin told me they found goats, I didn't believe it. I couldn't stop laughing, who had ever heard of such a thing? Goats yelling for help? Well, I'll be damned, it's a real thing.

Cobblestone Park

Today I was feeling sad, lonely, and homesick. I managed to sit around until 4pm or so, then decided the day wasn't getting any longer, so I better move it or lose it. I packed up my kids and dragged myself out of the house, and I couldn't be happier that I did. We went to Cobblestone Park to feed the ducks, they weren't too hungry, so the kids played and I took tons of pictures. Afterwards, I cashed in Laila's "Book It!" certificate for a free personal pan pizza and let the girls have a picnic in the living room with a movie. What a night it has turned out to be!

Day 24 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today was another tough selection. There are plenty of things I wish I could change, though living without regret, I had to choose something I didn't have anything to do with the outcome of, and this photo flashed vividly in my mind.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change...

I don't remember exactly when I took this picture, but I have to think it was some time around my senior year. I haven't been to visit my mom in quite some time, it's been easily over five years since I have even driven past the cemetery. Before moving out west, I could count on one hand the number of times I ever visited. To me, she's not there, she never was, it's just a shell of a shell now.

 

If I could change anything, it would have to be the dates on that stone. I'd remove December 4, 1997, I'd erase it and leave it blank. I'd take away all the pain, suffering, not just hers, but all of ours. I'd change so many things about that time, it was just sad.

 

I'd bring her back, I'd bring her here. Right here, next to me. I'd squeeze her, hold her, tell her so many things. I'd introduce her to my children, I'd ask her so many questions, seek out all the advice she could give me. I'd soak up every second, every single breath, I'd relish in it. I would make sure, no matter what, she knows how much she's missed, and how my love for her will never die.

 

I cannot change this, I can't wipe the slate clean, erase bits of time, so I must move on. I will remember her always, but I have to live in the now, not for the those in the past.

Day 23 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This was an easy one for me. I love reading, novels are my favorite, but there's one that will always stand out for me as the one I love best.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book...

I remember checking this book out at the Lincoln Township Public Library. I was skeptical, I enjoyed reading, but this book was a big bigger than I was used to. I wasn't sure I wanted to make the switch to the adult section, but this was recommended as one of the best, so I gave it a shot.
 
Maybe it was because this was the first book by Jodi Picoult I read, or maybe because it really is her best one, but it's my favorite book, ever. Jodi Picoult is my favorite author, I've read every one of her books and own nearly all of them. She's a fantastic writer, every story is gripping from beginning to end. I hope one day she'll do a book tour in Phoenix, I'd love to meet her.

6 Months

I can't believe I'm sitting here typing this post. My son is already 6 months old, and it's a feeling that's both joyous and heartbreaking. He's growing so quickly, right before my eyes, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Yesterday I took him to the doctor for a well check, and, yes, more immunizations. I still, to this day struggle with shots, so thankfully the loving nurses agreed to hold him while I waited outside the exam room.

His appointment went well, he's absoultely perfect, growing like a weed! He weighs in at a whopping 18 pounds 4 ounces, which isn't quite as chunk as you think: he's 28 inches long! I was shocked, I knew he was a big boy, but I wasn't prepared for those numbers! He's going to be very tall, I'm sure one day he'll outgrow me. Gives me something to look forward to, that's for sure. Little D can sure put the food away too! He's eating 3 meals a day, I need to learn to make my own baby food! He has a bowl of cereal and jar of food for both breakfast and dinner, and a baby yogurt for lunch. Don't forget the bottles in between, he's stille eating 3-4 of those a day, usually six ounces at a time. I can't complain though, he sleeps so well, falls asleep with a smile on his face and wakes up laughing. He sleeps 10-12 hours a night and still takes one long 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. He's such a blessing.

This past week he has met some major milestones! I started sitting Little Man up alone and letting him fall, and sure enough, one afternoon I looked over and he sat up on his own! He's such a handsome boy, and seeing him sitting up by himself is just a gorgeous sight to see. He's invented his own version of crawling for now, I caught him doing it today. He gets up on his hands and knees and rocks until his knees are all the way underneat him, and then flops down on his stomach. Repeating the process gets him where he needs to go, and quickly! I am sure in for it once he figures it out and really gets moving!

Day 22 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

I spent a lot of time thinking how much I wanted to share when it came to today. I could have easily picked something as simple as cooking or decorating a cake, but I chose to dive into myself and get a little personal.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at...

This picture is my beautiful family, minus me. I'm not in it because I'm the one taking it, obviously, but also because my anxiety of how I'd look, where I'd fit in, just didn't let me sneak in there before the camera snapped. I struggle daily with just getting out of bed, and once I do, all day long it's hard to breathe, hard to focus, and even harder to remain calm. I wish, more than anything, I was better at taking care of my family, which means being in better control of myself.
 
I am now taking a pretty powerful anti-anxiety medication, and it helps to an extent. I still find myself getting worked up over the small things, and taking it out on my family when it's no one's fault but my own. I love them to death, I would let nothing hurt them, but I'm not sure they always know it. I am afraid they're often pushed to the back burner, I spend so much time focusing on me, and how I can just get myself moving half the time, that the important things sometimes slip through the cracks.

This is a lifetime committment, raising a family and being a wife. I will spend the rest of my life being the best I can, putting forth every ounce of energy I've got to being a mom my kids look up to, and wife my husband can cherish forever.

Day 21 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This one was easy, and tough at the same time. More like gut-wrenching. I spend so much of my life pushing thoughts and feelings out of my head, thinking about what I want to forget got my mind spinning.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget...

This photo encompasses so much, and you can't even really see anything. Just a silly old apartment sign and some shrubs. For me, this was my life for years. After my mom died, I found trouble, and stuck to it like a magnet. I hooked up with the wrong guy, moved into the wrong neighborhood, and made the wrong friends. I mistaken abuse for love, drugs and alcohol for a good time, and friends were meerly gateways to bad decisions.

This apartment held me hostage, I felt like I could do anything when I lived there, but in reality, I couldn't escape. I ran away, I hid my problems old problems and found new ones. I broke hearts, ruined friendships, and hurt myself in ways unimaginable. I blame it on this place, I hate the feeling that tears through my stomach when I see this picture, when I'm reminded of this awful apartment building. I hate who I used to be.

The person I'm reminded of when I look at this picture is someone I don't even know anymore. I have grown up, changed my life around, and moved on. I'll never forget the things that happened here, they are scars-both physical and emotional-that will never disappear. Those same scars have made me stronger, more independent, even confident. I guess, in some strange way, I have this place to thank.

Day 20 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

This was an easy pick, I've had my eye on this place for years. I'd love to be able to take a long getaway to Italy, to just live freely with my husband and forget about everything but each other.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel...



I find Venice to be just gorgeous, serene, and everything I'd love to see in a place I visit. I doubt I'll ever leave the country, but if I ever win the lottery and manage to book a trip to my choice destination, this would be it. I want to take a ride in a villa, kiss my husband under the stars, and fall in love all over again. Luckily for me, I have a lifetime ahead of me, and I don't need a villa to fall in love.

I Fell Off

I wish this was a happy post, but I find my self quite disappointed lately. I fell off the treadmill, literally, and since then I've had a hard time getting back on. It's well known I can hardly walk and chew gum at the same time, so walking on a treadmill isn't the easiest thing for a klutz like me, but until now I've made it work.

Sunday afternoon I fell off the treadmill. Lucky, with my cat-like reflexes, I didn't bite it as bad as I could have, I tripped off the side and managed to catch myself before I really got hurt. After that awful event, I had pizza, wings, cookies, and just about anything else I could find to munch on that night. Superbowl Sunday really did me in. I have been busting my ass for weeks and have only lost 3 pounds, and in one afternoon I've managed to gain it all back and then some, and I hate myself for it.

I got back on the scale today, afraid of what I might see, and I'm down to at least where I started from. I've still got plenty to lose to reach my goal, but I feel so defeated. How can I eat right, exercise, drink plenty of water, and still seem to get absolutely nowhere? I'm frustrated, I've wanted so long to lose this weight, and I feel like I've just hit a wall. I'm not going up, I'm not going down, I'm just maintaining, and lucky to be doing that. I struggle to praise myself for the weight I have lost, but find myself feeling disappointment and exhausted just thinking about the 20+ pounds I still want to lose. I've tried setting little goals for myself, but every time I step on the scale or look in a mirror, all I see is fat. Fat. FAT.

Today, I also got back on the treadmill. Each time, I push myself a little more. One more minute of the fast pace, one less minute of warm-up & cool-down. I've started using the incline, and though I can only handle a few minutes, I push myself harder and harder each time. I'm scared to death, not that I'll never get the body I want-who would I be trying to kid, I've got three children, one of which is 6 months old-but that I'm not as healthy as I could be. I want to be at a healthy weight, and to take good care of myself. I want to see my babies grow up, I need them to know I'm doing the best I can for them, and for myself.

Day 19 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today, I had to choose a picture, and in that picture, someone to write a letter to. It was a hard choice, who would I want to write to, and what about? I spent most of my day thinking about it, and did my best to choose fairly.

Day 19 - A picture of and a letter to someone...

The photo I chose was of Dustin's mom, Grace, and his aunt, Edith. They are both beautiful ladies, but I've only had the pleasure of meeting one. Dustin's mom died long before we met, and Edith stepped in, not to replace Grace, but to raise Dustin as she would have wanted. I admire them both.


Grace,


There are so many things I wish I could share with you, so many moments I think of you, and we've never even met. It amazes me how deeply you can impact a person's entire life by just your presence, it's admirable. To say you have left big shoes to fill would be an understatement, you were such an outstanding woman, trying to be like you is impossible.

I want you to know, from deep inside my soul, that your son is in good hands. He always has been, and he will be forever. The family you surrounded yourself with was so tight knit, there was no doubt Dustin would be taken care of, and well. Your beautiful sister would never let your name be forgotten, or your ways. She continued to instill in him the values you did, and added a few of her own. Dustin thrives out here, with a job and a family of his own, you can see he draws his inspiration from you.  His worth ethic is strong, as is his compassion. He puts us all before himself, his selflessness could only have been learned from those just as selfless.

We have shared your rights as "Gamma" with Edith, I knew you wouldn't mind. She cares for these babies as if they were her own, if only we lived closer. There are so many "if only's", I try not to let my mind wander, but I'm sure you have felt the same. Your grand babies know about you, you mean far to much to Dustin for you to be forgotten. They are all doing well, growing like weeds, and looking more like you all the time.

I am thankful, so thankful, for the job you did with your son. He is one-of-a-kind, there's no other like him. The gratitude I feel for you only adds to the pain of knowing we'll never meet. There will be no gossiping over coffee, no shopping for baby outfits or baking your famous Christmas cookies together. I take so many photos of our family, I only hope one day they look back on them and thank me, as we don't have many of you. I wish I could call you to ask for advice, to just talk sometimes, I know our relationship would be great.

It's time for me to go, my family needs me. I hope one day you look down and smile, that you see what a good job I'm doing and that everyone is well taken care of. This isn't goodbye, it never is, it's just until next time.

All of my love,
Joli

Day 18 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

January marked the first day of the "new me", I set goals for myself, and I am proud to say I've stuck to them. Unfortunately, though I've managed to lose weight, one thing just hasn't seemed to change.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity...

Obviously, this isn't a photo of MY thighs. No one would want to see that! I am forever insecure about my thighs, they just never seem to get any smaller. I've lost 19 pounds since January 1, and for some reason, they will not shrink! I walk 1 hour a day, I do lunges, I eat right, and nothing. They are steadfast and, in my opinion, huge. They're ugly, covered in stretch marks and vericose veins, and I'm not even 30.
 
Maybe one day they'll thin out, maybe not. But I can say I'm doing my best, and I have a supportive husband who loves every inch of me, thighs and all.

Day 17 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

Today, I had to decide how recently my life has changed, whether it was for the good or bad. I knew instantly what had rocked my world, both good and bad.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently...

This photo is just a fraction of the supplies I keep on hand at all times for Laila. Testing strips, lancets, a meter, insulin pens, pen needles, syringes, alcohol swabs, it's like carrying a diaper bag all over again. Her diabetes has turned my entire life upside down. Managing her sugars, counting her carbohydrates, administering her insulin and charting her numbers has become a full time job in and of itself. It takes the life out of me some days, but other days, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that we now know she's healthy and on the road to a long, healthy life.