I Fell Off

I wish this was a happy post, but I find my self quite disappointed lately. I fell off the treadmill, literally, and since then I've had a hard time getting back on. It's well known I can hardly walk and chew gum at the same time, so walking on a treadmill isn't the easiest thing for a klutz like me, but until now I've made it work.

Sunday afternoon I fell off the treadmill. Lucky, with my cat-like reflexes, I didn't bite it as bad as I could have, I tripped off the side and managed to catch myself before I really got hurt. After that awful event, I had pizza, wings, cookies, and just about anything else I could find to munch on that night. Superbowl Sunday really did me in. I have been busting my ass for weeks and have only lost 3 pounds, and in one afternoon I've managed to gain it all back and then some, and I hate myself for it.

I got back on the scale today, afraid of what I might see, and I'm down to at least where I started from. I've still got plenty to lose to reach my goal, but I feel so defeated. How can I eat right, exercise, drink plenty of water, and still seem to get absolutely nowhere? I'm frustrated, I've wanted so long to lose this weight, and I feel like I've just hit a wall. I'm not going up, I'm not going down, I'm just maintaining, and lucky to be doing that. I struggle to praise myself for the weight I have lost, but find myself feeling disappointment and exhausted just thinking about the 20+ pounds I still want to lose. I've tried setting little goals for myself, but every time I step on the scale or look in a mirror, all I see is fat. Fat. FAT.

Today, I also got back on the treadmill. Each time, I push myself a little more. One more minute of the fast pace, one less minute of warm-up & cool-down. I've started using the incline, and though I can only handle a few minutes, I push myself harder and harder each time. I'm scared to death, not that I'll never get the body I want-who would I be trying to kid, I've got three children, one of which is 6 months old-but that I'm not as healthy as I could be. I want to be at a healthy weight, and to take good care of myself. I want to see my babies grow up, I need them to know I'm doing the best I can for them, and for myself.