Bare Walls

Tomorrow is Halloween, and the walls of my house are still bare. To many of you, that means nothing, but to me, it means I still have not healed. Halloween was my mom's favorite holiday, the house was always decorated, candy bowls were overflowing, and the atmosphere in our home was forever the place to be. I remember every year more and more decorations came out, and every wall in our living room was covered in cats and pumpkins. After my mom died, I carried on the tradition for a few years, smiling through the tears and laughing through the pain. This year, my walls are completely bare, as they have remained for years.


This Halloween is a very important one, it holds a lot of firsts for us. This is little Dustin's first time dressing up, my first Halloween as a mother of three, and Laila's first Halloween as a diabetic. The day will bring challenges, I'm sure, all days do, but these challenges are different. None of these were expected, and none of them will be easy. I find it incredibly hard to get into the mood when the chocolate in the kids' buckets is melted before we get home, the leaves on palm trees don't change color, and trick-or-beer is unheard of out here. My heart doesn't laugh with memories of old times, but breaks with the thought of having to create my own.


Laila is getting older, her memory more vivid, so I do my best. I go through the motions, dress them up, bake treats and goodies, take them out around the neighborhood, but it's just that. Going through the motions. I feel as empty inside now as I did during my first Halloween without her. My smiles are forced, my laughter is fake, but for my kids, I couldn't be more genuine. When they grow older and look at photos from their childhood, the memories I wish for them are nothing but happiness and joy.

I may not decorate the walls, blow up big displays in the yard, or buy the most expensive costumes, but I can honestly say that I'm trying. This year, right outside my door, is a carved pumpkin and a purple skull on a stick. It's a flashy, dollar one you buy at Wal*Mart, but it's a start. I'll never be my mother, but I am someone's mother. I am the mother of 3 beautiful, healthy, happy children that deserve nothing but the best. Tomorrow, I will take them out and hold their hands, we will walk from house to house getting candy and admiring the decorations, and we will make memories of our own. I know that one day, my walls will be covered again, and I know there will be plenty of hands to hold and help me along the way.

Wise

Laila has been handling her diabetes so well, she makes everyone so proud, especially her mommy. Certain days are worse than others, but everyone has bad days, so it's expected. Holidays pose a problem, especially with a child, having to tell her no just breaks my heart. She is so wise beyond her years, she rarely asks for anything she's not "allowed".

The past few months have been a major adjustment, but have flown by so quickly. Laila has grown so fast, she helps check her own carborhydrates, she tests her own sugar, and picks the location of each "mosquito bite" she receives. She's got a system down for each meal so she never repeats a surface twice in the same day.

A few nights ago, Laila decided to try her own shot. I watched her so closely I doubt I blinked for a solid 2 minutes. She explained she likes to push the needle in slowly, and she has to watch it. Since that night, she has done her own shots on her legs twice a day. She is so grown up, so beautiful and so delicate. My sweet baby is blossoming into a gorgeous, charasmatic, and strong little girl. Watching her grow with her diabetes is such an inspiration. I hope one day she will touch the lives of many, she may be young but she has a lot to share.

Silence is Golden

Today, after Dustin's surprise was over, he needed to run to Chipotle and pick up his lunch. Luckily, I had the opportunity to spend a few more minutes with him, and he rode with us. On the way there, we turned off the music, and the kids were relatively quiet. We held hands and didn't say a word.

Growing up, I remember hearing my parents tell me to be quiet, enjoy the silence. Then, the silence felt like it needed to be filled. Chatter, music, even a fan, anything to keep the quiet away. After my mom died, the silence used to pound in my ears, it was so loud it was deafening at times. I recall wearing headphones to bed and sleeping with the tv on, something I still do now.

Today, things felt so much different. I had nothing to run from, nothing to hide away or keep a secret. The silence held all the words no one needed to say. It was full of love, trust, and everything I've always wanted, it was full of us.

Happy Halloween Party!

Today was a halloween party at Elvia's house, and what an awesome turn out it was! I counted at least a dozen cars, and more than 2 dozen kids! The costumes were adorable, and the food was delicious! I have to hand it to the group, everyone seems to come together and have a blast!

Skeletons and mummys!

Ooh ooh ahh ahh!

Aidan the Devil, Dustin Jr. the tiger, and Kenadi the monkey

Elvira and Brianna

Giada the gnome!

The group...take # 195,384 haha!

Stefan

Juliana

Giada, Xylia, ?, Aidan, Lil D, and Kenadi

Ali, the sad and upset bunny rabbit

I hope everyone enjoyed themselves as much as I did! Happy Halloween, everyone!

Happy Birthday, Dustin!

Today is my husband's 30th birthday! This marks the 6th birthday we have spent together, and I can remember every one! We have been fortunat enough to have been able to celebrate every birthday with something special, from Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets to a weekend getaway in Rockford, IL. Today, Dustin had to work.

What a bummer he had to be gone on his birthday! I wanted to make sure the day was still special, so I made a few calls and set up a surprise for him at work. He is working on a new project at work, so he wasn't on his normal floor, so I was able to sneak upstairs and set up without him having a clue! This morning I baked mini cheesecakes and topped them with whip cream and a cherry on each one. I also made some rice crispy treat ghosts to go with them. I brought all 3 kids up to the police department and let the girls help with the finishing touches. I even lit candles, 3, one for each 10 years! One of the girls called downstairs and told Dustin there was an emergency and he needed to come help out right away, what a great cover!

He came in and saw us and couldn't believe we surprised him like we did. What an awesome time we had!

I hope he knows with every year that passes I love him more and more. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, growing older hand in hand.

10.10.10

On October 10, 2010, I was so lucky to be able to enjoy my brother Mark's wedding. It was such a short and sweet ceremony, and I believe with all my heart it fit their personalities exactly, and I am so very happy for them.

I must admit, at first, I was skeptical. I am very protective of my family, especilly those I grew up with and share a special bond with. Mark is one of those few in my inner circle, one of which no one will ever be good enough for by my standards. I knew it was going to take a bit of convincing to change my mind.

For years, I have visited my brother and seen his life as his relationship with Jeanie has grown. I have watched him change and become someone I thought I didn't know anymore, and as time went on I grew more and more nervous. After living with friends for many years, Mark finally decided to move in with Jeanie, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why. Two people, so set in their ways, no desire for marriage, children, just company, it didn't make sense. I asked them both, separetely and together, if they are happy and this is the life they love. They both admitted they wouldn't change a thing, but something was still unsettled.

Sunday morning, the day of the wedding, I think I had more "wedding day jitters" than the bride and groom combined. I knew my opinion had to be voiced, now or never, so on a mission I went. I found Jeanie, and when I opened her bedroom door, I was speechless. I saw the glow, the aura I'd been waiting years to finally catch a glimpse of. She only made it better by whispering, "Thank you," in my ear as she hugged me. I asked her what I already knew was true, was she happy? Obviously, as expected, she affirmed she was. But the way she said it, the look in her eyes, that's what finally set me at ease.

I'm not sure who cried first, but I know we both walked away teary eyed. I went and found my seat and waited for her grand entrance. Once the music started, and I saw her on her way, I turned my attention away from the bride, and onto the groom. It was now or never, and I needed to see the truth for myself. I've questioned from day one if he was as happy as he claimed, if he loved her as much as he said, and then it happened. As soon as Jeanie came around the corner, their eyes met, and I saw the smile and gratification on my brother's face. My heart started pounding so fast, I'm suprised everyone at the wedding didn't hear it. It was one of the most remarkable moments, and I'll never be able to thank them enough for letting me be a part of it.

It's such a comfortable feeling, knowing there is someone else out ther just as in love as you are. Just knowing they will hold hands at breakfast while they kiss each other good morning, and again as they wish each other sweet dreams each and every night, it's breathtaking.



Congratulations, Mark and Jeanie. I love you, both.

Cousin love

Wednesday night, Adam, June, and Jasmine also arrived to visit. If you're counting, that makes 11 people in my 1,400 sq. ft. house! With everyone here, we enjoyed watching the kids play together, and for everyone to finally meet Kenadi and Dustin Jr. We ate, played, talked, and really had a great time together.

Cousins <3

Girlies!

Jasmine and Laila at the Sea Life Aquarium

Laila and Cora "underwater"

All the cousins together in the shark tank

Laila and Mommy

Joshua was hungry...

I can't thank everyone enough for the time spent here, for the thought to visit me and everything we were able to do together. It was such a nice time! Though distance keeps us apart, we'll never grow away from each other.

Monday, Monday

This past week has been a whirlwind right before my eyes. My family blessed me with their company, and fun was had by everyone. My sister, Dawn, and her children (Joshua, 10, and Cora, 8) came in on Monday of last week. They stayed for a few days before more family arrived. In the mean time, we had our fun!



Sisters after a few drinks <3

 

Rock & Roll!!



Spa day!

Gorgeous!

Cora's toes!

Laila & Mommy

Fly away on my Zephyr...

Work it, Laila!

It's so VIVID!

  

Boo Boo rockin' out!

 



Cora ready to jam!



My little man!



McDonalds

Tonight, I decided I was too tired and lazy to cook anything, so I treated the girls to McDonalds. What a surprise it was to Laila, it's been a long time since I've given in and let her have chicken nuggets and fries! We all loaded into the car and went through the drive through, no need to go inside, the food doesn't taste any different at home.

As I was driving, Laila asked for a french fry. I had to giggle, I remember being a child and asking for a fry from the back seat. I used to smell the salty fries as soon as they made it through the window, and there was no chance in making it the whole 5 minute drive home without one. I opened the window a bit, smelled the fall air (the cow poo), and turned off the radio. I listened to my children laugh over french fries in the back seat, took a deep breath of Maricopa's finest, and smiled to myself. What it would be like to be a child again! Giving into temptation, I reached in the bag and snagged a hot, crispy fry for myself. Soon, I was laughing with the girls, feeling settled and comfortable in my roll as a mom, and a kid again, too.

2 months

Already, right before my eyes, my son has grown to 2 months old. I wonder where the time has gone, and how it has flown past me so quickly. He is growing so fast, doing new things each day, and bringing so many smiles to our home.

He is finally starting to smile, though only when he first wakes up, and if you sing to him. He loves music already, and enjoys seeing a familiar, smiling face. He's such a sweet baby, he rarely cries, and sleeps (prepare to be jealous) 9-10 hours a night! Whoever said you can't schedule a baby this small is dead wrong. We have such a strict routine with the girls due to Laila's school and her injection times, he's just fit himself right in!

The girls are adapting so well to him being around, they both help with feedings, baths, and picking out his clothes. No one offers to help change the poopy diapers, I guess I'm still on my own with that one.

Here are a few pictures of my handsome little man at 2 months old:

=)

Good Morning!

Anyone have some butter for those rolls?

My lil man

Hi, Mommy!

Sweet cheeks

He was singing with mommy