Lost

This morning I woke up feeling completely and utterly lost. I feel so out of place. I don't know who I am, what I want, why I'm here, and it's terrifying. I feel as though all my decisions are damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either way, I am the loser. I come out on the bottom, right were I started. If I take 1 step forward, I'm taking 2 steps back.

Don't get me wrong, from the outside, things couldn't look better. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than anything in this world. I have a new house, two cars (one of which is new), and the most beautiful kids ever. All my bills are paid, I don't have to work, and I even have a little extra for me. I have friends who support my every move, and family that loves me dearly and will stand by me no matter what. So...why do I feel this way?

Years ago, "anti-depressants" were non-existant. They exist now, I take them, and feel no relief. I feel some days as though there are bars on my windows, the doors are locked from the outside, and the key has been swallowed by a fairy that flew away just minutes before I walked up. I feel like someone has stolen my checkbook, bank cards, and my cash has been ran through a shredder.That same jerk has slashed my tires, called me names, and degraded me to the point where I feel totally, and completely worthless. I have no where to go, nothing to do, and no one to do anything with. I am a slave, chained to this house, these kids; these walls are closing in on me and I have no way out.

I've entertained the idea of a vacation, but first and formost, with this baby on the way, it's financially impossible. And secondly, I'm still "mom"on vacation. I still have diapers to change, fights to referree, and all the other duties of a mother, just in a stuffy hotel room with a lot less of the amenities I have at home. I've thought, maybe a trip to the spa would be nice. But that trip makes me realize just how far from "those pretty girls" I really am, and makes me feel like an imposter. I'm not sure where to go from here. I digress.

Am I as terrible as I feel for having these thoughts? Of course, I love my children, my husband, my life-it's beautiful. Don't ever, ever think for a second I'd trade it for anything, there's no amount of money, no other life to compare with the one I have. I just need to find myself. I am lost. If you find me, please, return me to my shell, my body...it's roaming around out there somewhere.