I'm hormonal

When the going gets tough, who stays, and who gets going? I had a conversation tonight with someone I hold dear to my heart. Though the miles are many between us and it's been years since I've seen her face, I still consider this person to be someone I can turn to day or night. Tonight, the conversation seemed to get a little uncomfortable, and I am sorry to say, she got going. Call it me over reacting, but using the old, "I have to work in the morning," excuse is a bit old in my book. It may have been legit, but the timing was a bit off for my taste.

In this blunt conversation we were having, she tells me she misses me, I tell her the same. And the response she gave me back was both enlightening and devastating. She told me she loves and hates that I miss her. How on Earth do you take something like that? With a smile? Do you just nod and agree? Since I'm here, and she's there, I obviously swore at the computer and thought about using the standard, "I have a diaper to change," or something to that effect, but I didn't. I stuck it out, even when the going got tough. My feelings were hurt, my heart smashed into a million tiny pieces. I have seen the good, the bad, the ugly. I was there for the mistakes. She's seen me at my absolute worst, she's one of the first I told I was pregnant, and top on the list I notified when I had each of my kids, so where did this come from? I must have missed a memo somewhere.

I have talked previously about relationships, good ones, bad ones, the ones that count and the ones that never meant a thing. And then I talked about the times that were great, phenomenal, but somehow wrong. Those moments you cherish, because you truly loved someone, and they may never know. I suppose she falls into that category, though not by my standards. I think she's fantastic, but our relationship-take it for what it was-and the timing surrounding it was no good. Maybe that's why she said what she said to me today. She told me her troubles, asked for advice, and I gave her the best advice I could. I told her about the baby, and she shared in my excitement. Then we talked about her desire for kids, and had I known about it years ago, how different things may have been between us. I've never been one for the "what if" game, and I was more joking than anything, but this is where things got tense. The past is the past, and I'm not one to revisit it, especially when it comes to romance and relationships gone wrong. I've moved on, she's moved on, things are great just the way they are, so why the hurried goodbye? Even in the rush, she still told me she loves me. I made sure to tell her I love her, too. I know everything is fine, I think I'm just hormonal.

I am full of unanswered questions tonight, and I know everything happens for a reason, I just struggle at times to find that reason.