Nervous breakdown

What a vicious cycle I feel like I am in. This past week, Laila pooped in the bath tub. I thought for sure those days were long gone, Kenadi's never done it and it's literally been years since Laila has. Her response? She didn't want to get water on the floor. So she scooped a chunk of poop out and threw it at the garbage, only to miss and splash water on the floor and leave her poop there right along with it. She proceeded to give herself and Kenadi a bath in the water that has poop in it, and not tell me until it's too late. Lovely, I know. We had to clean the tub, bathe the girls again in the other bathroom, get them new pajamas-the whole nine yards. Needless to say, I was furious. It's a chore to get her to listen to anything these days, it's outrageous.

Tonight, she peed in her underwear. Did she bother to tell me? Of course not. She's 4 1/2 and she claims she wouldn't have been able to make it to the bathroom, so she didn't even try. Call it jealousy, regression, whatever, but I'm tired of it. I made her get her pajamas on and go get in bed. To say I'm furious would be an understatement. I'm physically sick thinking about her attitude and behavior. I give, give, give every little last bit of myself to her, and I feel like it's not even close to enough, and she pushes the envelope for more. Peeing in her underwear tonight was the last straw for me. I didn't hit her, I didn't even touch her, I just told her I am not impressed with her attitude and behavior, and if this is her way of getting me to pay attention to her, she's doing a really poor job. I felt awful about sending her to bed without me, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've ever done that, and tonight wasn't going to be one of them. I made an effort, I went back there and asked her if she was ready to talk about the things she's been doing lately, including her behavior tonight. I was ready to choke her at the grocery store, and her peeing in her underwear at the dinner table was just the icing on the cake. She said she'll behave tomorrow because she wants to go to the Easter Egg Hunt we were invited to. Seriously? How many more tomorrows? How many more chances? I really, honestly, can't handle even one more minute of her whiney little voice telling me, "NO," or asking me "Why, Mommy?". I've had it! I need a break!

With Dustin's work schedule, weekends and almost all days are out due to him leaving for work at 5pm on Thursday and not getting any time off until Sunday or Monday, so that leaves the days he has off to get away. Talk about feeling guilty, I see him maybe 2-3 days a week, and the mere thought of taking time away from him and the family makes me feel like the worst mom on the planet. How could I be so selfish? How could I ever want anything other than what I already have? So the guilt sets in, and I let it eat me alive, and I feel like it's all my fault. Her attitude, her behavior, it must be me, it has to be. Where else would she be learning it from? She's with me 95% of the time, the few hours she spends away from me at school can't be that molding on her little personality. I thought, this whole time, that I've been doing a good job. I thought I was a good mom, a strong parent, and I had been doing well raising my daughter to be the woman who can face any challenge, yet still have a soft heart. I just hope I can figure out what I'm doing wrong before it's too late.