Something's Missing

The day has come to an end. Here I sit, alone again, in the same spot I sit every night and reflect on my day, my life, and my choices. What could I have done differently, and what am I proud of.

Tonight, I'm feeling empty. I really don't feel good about how I reacted to Laila this morning, I am still frustrated and just plain exhausted. She is very, very stubborn, and fighting with her takes so much energy there are days I don't think I will make it to bed time.

I promised myself I wouldn't let today beat me, so I decided some spring cleaning was in order. After dinner, I swept and mopped the kitchen. While I did that, I had Laila and Kenadi wiping down the kitchen chairs and the high chair. They are so competitive, they were done in no time. It was nice to have one less chore to finish tonight, too.

Now the girls are in bed and I'm sitting here alone. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I'm homesick, lonely, and sad. I have a great support system, I have friends who care about me, 2 daughters that think the world of me, and a husband who loves me. Still, I feel like some days something is missing. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know what it is, but something. I have a wonderful house, beautiful kids, an amazing marriage, everything I could dream of, what's my problem? I ask myself this on a regular basis and never have an answer for myself.

I know moving home is not the answer, I was there in December and wanted to rip my face off. The cold weather, the old shops that never change, the same people and the same sour taste in my mouth, obviously not what I'm searching for. We're about to have baby number three in less than 3 months, and I don't feel as though he's the missing piece either. Laila and Kenadi are just amazing, smart, beautiful bundles of joy I am so happy to have in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I love Dustin, more than anything, and our relationship continues to blossom every day. I know he loves me, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I have everything I've ever asked for, so what is making me feel so terrible. I hate this feeling, I hate talking about it even more because I feel like everyone's judging me.

No one is perfect, I know that. I don't expect to feel 100% every minute of ever day, but some relief would be nice.