Still

I've been thinking about things lately, where I've been, where I am now, and everything in between. Life has been no slice of cake, I'm sure anyone can vouch for that. I've always wanted to write a book, and whenever the topic comes up, I swear I have nothing to write about, and there would be no one who wants to read it. Instead, I find blogging is a good release for me, a sort of outlet where I can tell my stories, as horrific as they may be, and I never have to see the reader's face. Laughter, disappointment, fear, empathy, it's all on the other side of a computer screen, far away from me, just how I like it.

This evening, I was listening to Macy Gray, that woman really sings from her soul. She has a song, it was never all that popular, called "Still", and there are days I wonder if this woman was a fly on the wall in my previous relationship. Not many people know much about the things that transpired with my ex-husband, it's not that I'm afraid to talk about it, I just prefer not to think about what a scum bag he turned out to be. It must be the season, the time of year that gets me thinking about him. I was reading through my old blog posts and almost a year ago I wrote this. Though years have passed, the scars still remain inside and out, and he's the reason behind them. The things I put up with were outrageous, if I ever saw someone go through the things I did, I would deem them crazy. As much pain as I went through being with him, it never seemed to be enough to make me want to leave. Something about him held me in a trance, he hit me, called me names, he was rarely sober, he constantly lied and cheated, and yet I was the one making excuses-not him. I somehow justified the things he did, even though he was the wrong. Then, you couldn't have told me that.

What was it about this one guy that held me so grounded to him? I still don't know, nearly 10 years later, why I just couldn't seem to get away. His voice was so smooth, his touch was electrifying, he was so experienced and was everything I thought I wanted. The mere thought of ever spending a day without him was enough to send me into a full on panic attack. I tried to leave, I swear I did, but something always brought me back. I thought I was in love, I thought he was meant for me. He was a chameleon, he could be the classiest guy in the room, when he wanted to, he could treat me like a royal princess. However, when he wanted to, he could be the biggest loser I've ever met.

Leaving him wasn't easy, but I did it. Eventually. When there wasn't enough make-up to cover up the bruises, not enough time off of work to let them heal, I knew I couldn't take anymore. The final blow ended me in the emergency room, and it wasn't a pretty sight. Hiding out, dodging his phone calls, filing divorce paperwork, it was an absolute mess. I was out of excuses, I ran out of lies and justifications. Still, after fearing for my life, I caved. I saw him, I talked to him on the phone, I told myself I was getting closure, but I was really hurting myself more and more each time. Thank Heaven for the justice system, or I don't know that I would have ever had the strength to make the right choices and truly distance myself. I went through the motions, knowing deep down inside what I needed and what I wanted weren't always the same thing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Clearly, life has moved on. I met my knight in shining armor, he whisked me away to a lifetime of happiness. We have the most beautiful children, a happy home, and more love than I ever dreamed of knowing. I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm content. I don't wonder what things would have been like, or could have been like if I stayed. I already know. If I hadn't left, I never would have made it to where i am today, and where I am today makes me proud-someone loves me just the way I am, scars and all.

Still - Macy Gray
In my last year with him there were bruises on my face
In my dawn and new day
I finally got away
But my head's all messed up and he knows just what to say
No more dawn and new days
I'm goin back to stay
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby and it's much to much

We are going down
Cause you're always getting high
And your crumbs of loving
No longer get me by
Wow, it gets better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of loving
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone


Can't I go my severed way?
Some rain for my sunny day
Not even one reason to stay
Why, I should've left you
Why, I can't fogetcha baby
Why, ever since I metcha it's
Why

I still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up
I still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still be loving you baby it's much too much