Should I Stay or Should I Go?

For some reason, I felt in a funk yesterday. I seem to get in a slump around this time of year, even though it starts the busy half for us. I don't know if I just feel sorry for myself or I'm just tired, but I've noticed this has happened before. Maybe it's just a bunch of little things that have added up, and I need to start working through them one by one.

My bank account is depressing me lately. Don't get the idea that I'm broke as a joke, I'm not, I pay my own bills and am counting the months until Dustin's car is paid off, but until then, I feel the stress of a baby that's not even here. I want so badly to take a vacation, even if it's just one night, to just get away and forget about everything, but I don't see that happening anytime in the next 10 years. We found a Disneyworld package booklet in our driveway the other afternoon, and Laila hasn't stopped talking about it since. Explaining to her how expensive a trip like that is, and that she'll most likely be 7 or 8 before we even consider going, it's hard. I want to give my children everything, but I feel some days like the bare minimum is hard to scrounge up. I never talk about my personal finances, but as a few people know, we had trouble with our taxes a few years ago when we lived in Vegas, and are still paying for it. The IRS has taken our entire tax return for 2009, which means this year we got nothing back, and STILL owe way more than I've ever had in my savings account at once. They were also so kind as to put a levy on our bank account and wipe it out the morning after Dustin's direct deposit came in, and left us with a negative balance, bounced checks, and fees coming out of our ears. We've finally managed to catch up, but I feel like all our hard work never pays off, 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Last night at dinner, we had sweet corn. Expensive, yellow, corn on the cob. Get my drift here? In Michigan, you get bi-color, cheap, home grown sweet corn that melts in your mouth. The butter drips down your chin, the smell of the corn fills the house, the napkins pile up at the edge of the table, and no one cares. It's summer, and everyone is getting sloppy right there with you. You might stop at the farmer's stand on your way home from work, or even snag some at the grocery store, you know it'll be good because it's all local and it's Michigan. Here, you pay 50 cents for an ear of yellow corn that's decent. Decent. I recall getting them 10 for a dollar at the vegetable stand around the corner from my old house growing up, and I have to wonder if things have really changed that much. It's amazing how something so simple as corn on the cob can bring back such a flood of memories, and a whole new set of questions. I miss my family, my friends, the 4 seasons, of course, but do I really miss it enough to move back to Michigan? It seems as though our 5 year plan has changed a bit, or maybe it has just started over.


I miss our families, and I know they miss us, but we have made the choice to move away, better ourselves, and do what we feel is right. I have never regretted moving away, but the relationships that have changed because of it are what make me sad. Since we moved, I have travelled to Michigan, Nevada, and California to see family. How many trips have our family made to see us? Not counting my dad, I can only say my sister has come to visit, and she managed it with two children, but no one else. I will not point fingers or name names, but there have been family members that have been in Phoenix and never even picked up a phone to let us know they were here. Should I really consider moving my life, my family, my everything back to Michigan for everyone else, when they can't even make the effort to call my children on their birthdays? I am tired of hearing how they miss the girls, they wish we lived closer, they would love to be a part of their lives and watch them grow, when it's apparent they really don't. I know this probably comes off harsh, but it's my pocketbook that's strained every time the mention of a visit comes about, not theirs.

Riley has a sister she's never met, and a brother arriving in a few weeks, and I wonder when she'll be able to meet him too. Kenadi's almost 2, and I'm not even sure they've told Riley about her. I have sent pictures, I've tried communicating, I've made phone calls, sent messages and e-mails, and nothing. I know this responsibility doesn't fall entirely on me, I am not even the parent in question here, but the step-parent that perhaps gives a little too much, or cares more than the others. When we lived in Michigan, we were very much a part of Riley's life, we would always abide by our court ordered visitation, and went above and beyond what was asked. I remember having Riley for a week at a time, still making sure we sent her home with clean clothes, extra diapers and formula, and never once filing for an abatement on our child support. I'm not asking for a nomination to become a martyr here, but to go from seeing her weekly to nothing is a low blow. As much of a strain to our finances it would be, we have offered to fly her out here, enroll her in private school, even finance a bigger car to fit her in if she were to come visit, and it's all been denied. This worries me, as I know if we were to move back to Michigan, it would go right back to the way things were before. We were a free babysitter, income to cover what the state doesn't, and someone to call when Riley needed something that a pack of cigarettes was more important than. I struggle with the thought of ever dealing with that again. She's almost 6 years old, I don't even know her anymore. I don't have the slightest clue what her favorite color is, what tv shows she likes to watch, or even what size clothes she wears. I just have to keep my chin up, knowing that I made the best decision for myself and my family.
Maybe one day we'll return to Michigan, maybe we wont. Only time will tell. I cannot let a single person influence the decisions we choose for our family, the good must outweigh the bad, I will never put my children in a state where they wont be provided for to the best of our ability, they will always have the best we can give them. They might not wear Abercrombie clothes or have the most expensive toys, but they are happy, clean, and healthy. The experiences they will have because of our decision to move are far more than any opportunity Saint Joseph, MI has to offer. In my book, that's worth putting ten thousand miles between myself and my family. I know the ones that matter are always with me, they're in my heart and soul.