Thoughts

I have so much on my mind lately, I can hardly sleep, I can't concentrate, half the time I'm not even sure if I'm coming or going, where or who I'm supposed to be. I apologize now, this post is going to be just a compilation of my thoughts, nothing spectacular, and nothing worth reading.

Last night, or early this morning, I was half asleep when I felt Dustin roll over next to me and place his hand on my side-a favorite hang out for our son. Instantly, the baby started rolling with the punches, and to my surprise, Dustin was talking to him. Had I been fully awake, I would have cried, but I was just so exhausted I just stayed still with my eyes closed. I didn't hear every word spoken, but I did hear Dustin quietly tell him how excited he is to meet him, and to settle down so mommy can get some sleep. Now, those same words bring tears to my eyes. There are days I'm sure I don't deserve him.

I had a pretty rough morning, with the lack of sleep from last night paired with Kenadi getting up before 8am-yes, every minute counts- I was a wreck trying to get the kids to behave. I was up with Kenadi for at least an hour before Laila got up, and I was so settled into my morning routine that I forgot to feed her breakfast. I felt like such a horrible mother, she got out the toaster, the toaster strudels, and even poured herself some juice, all while I sat back and watched. Part of me was screaming inside to get up and get her, rock her in my arms, and tell her how sorry I was I failed her yet again. Then, I decided to watch. She made an entire breakfast herself, and couldn't have been more proud! She is going to be a great mom someday, even if she swears now she doesn't want kids.

When I agreed to marry Dustin, I agreed to take on all his debt, all his problems, I agreed to stick it out through thick and thin, and that meant being a step-mother to children I may never see. It's a lot harder than some people think, it eats away at me daily, knowing there is a little girl out there with his last name that he doesn't even know anymore, and probably never will. The child support, well, it's no fun having to pay money for a child he doesn't see, but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. I wasn't there 10 years ago when he split from his ex-wife, so I don't know the details, but from my understanding, it was pretty rough. His daughter was born with a rare type of cancer, and he was only allowed to see her supervised, but with her being hospitalized hours away, that quickly came to an end. So, he moves on, she moves on, but really doesn't. She still lives with her parents, doesn't work, and in my opinion, collects child support as a form of punishment. That brings me to present day, today, in fact. My dad is in Michigan, and today, did me a favor. He drove to her house and asked to see her. As assumed, he was denied at the door, but he was able to confirm what I thought I already knew. I now know I have her correct address, and she's alive and living there, in that house. I feel one step closer to closure. I'm not sure I'll ever see her, but there have been new doors open. One day, I hope we all get closure.

Today, I broke my fake nails off. After I did that, I took a shower and looked in the mirror at myself, and it truly made me sad. I feel like somewhere along the way I have given up. I try new things, new hair styles, fake nails, makeup, and I feel fake, like a total impostor. I don't see what Dustin sees in me, I'm not skinny, pretty, stylish, I never have been and I never will be. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have tattoos, piercings, cellulite, and stretch marks. I can count on one hand the number of times I've brushed my hair after my daily shower in the last 3 months, and the number of times I've applied make-up is even fewer. I feel like a baby making machine, and that needs to change. I have gained weight and lost self-esteem, I haveI want, need, to feel good about myself or I will never feel good about anything else. I have some decisions to make once this baby arrives, and not a minute later. I want to be a woman who feels beautiful from the inside, and out. It's not going to be easy, but then again, nothing worth while ever is.