Michigan, here we come!

December 1 we will make our first real trip as a family of 4. Michigan bound, we will make this trip come hell or high water. I must admit, I'm a bit scared to venture on an airplane with a one year old who has never flown, a 4 year old with ants in her pants, a husband who can sleep standing up, and myself, who gets sick and my ears pop every time we go up a big hill.

I am looking forward to seeing old friends and family, it's amazing what moving away can do for someone! I have been in touch with people I haven't talked to in years, and will be glad to see them and catch up. I miss my family terribly, knowing that I have a 14 month old baby only a few of them have even met, it makes my heart sad knowing there is so much joy she has not been able to spread to them. Bringing Laila back to see her Gramma and Paw-Paw is going to be so bittersweet, it's hard to explain to her why we can't stay. Our home is no longer there.

There are two people I still have not decided whether or not I should take my children to visit. The 2 grandmothers the girls will never meet, my mom, and Dustin's mom. I want to take Laila and Kenadi to the cemetery, tell them how wonderful these women were and how they have shaped who I am, and who they will someday be. I want to share stories with them, memories they will someday share with me, that I shared with my mom, and they will someday share with their own daughters. I know Laila will understand, but the burden of seeing me cry is so much for her little shoulders, I'm afraid. I am worried it will hurt her, she may be too young to see why I put myself through the pain and tears, that it's healthy for me to mourn, even though it's been years since I have.

This trip to Michigan is going to open a lot of doors, and give me a lot of closure as well. The time has come to move on, Michigan is no longer my home, it is just another stepping stone in the journey of life. I hope to open the door to many more friendships, and to rekindle the ones that have began to fade. I pray this visit will go smoothly, and remind me why I left in the first place. I want, need the closure with my mom, for myself and for my daughters. I need to know she's in a better place, I need to see it, feel it, encompass that she's gone, without this closure, I can never be the mother I want to be. I want to be just like her.