The Best

Depending on who you ask, the definition of love varies. According to Merriam-Webster, love is attraction based on sexual desire; affection and tenderness felt by lovers. If you ask Oxford, love is an intense feeling of deep affection. Princeton will tell you love is to be enamored with someone.


So, knowing what love "is", does everyone love equally? Do all couples love each other the same? Is everything 50/50, 100/100, or does some one always love more? I'm a believer that someone always loves more. That person may not always be the same, the days and years pass, and the roles can be reversed, but someone will always love more.


The other day, Dustin came home from work and from the minute he walked in the door, my mood went sour. No real reason why, but something just went off inside me and I was instantly angry, grouchy, and not feeling up to par. I'm still not sure what made me feel that way, but I like to think that mood has come and gone, though I found it haunting me in the car the following afternoon. Dustin and I were talking about my failed attempts at our relationship, and all the wrongs I've done. I've lied, cheated, broken his trust countless times, and he's still here. He still loves me. Then, like a slap in the face, it hit me. He loves me more.


The wrongs I've done were purely for my own satisfaction, I put myself before him, us, and our family. If I love him, how could I have done those awful things? My petty, cheap, "I'm sorry," isn't going to cut it. How I could have been so blind, I'll never know. This isn't me, this isn't right, this is despicable. To say I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and even remorseful would be an understatement. I look at my husband and wonder how he could possibly love me more. The answer is obvious, though at the reasoning, I draw a blank. The feeling in the pit of my stomach just wont go away. How do you come to grips with the fact that the person you love, loves you more; they make it look so easy. Just when I thought I had given it my all, I was hit with this realization, and I have the urge to fix it.

So, the real question is, how? I can't make myself love him more, I fall more in love with him every day, I just hope one day it's finally enough. This isn't a competition, this is a life long journey we are on together. I don't want my love to surpass his, knowing he loves me unconditionally is the best feeling in the world. I want to feel at ease, I want that comfortable, safe feeling to rush over me again and reassure me I'm giving it my best shot, I'm making the right choices, and in the end, we're as close to equal as they come. The comforting feeling of telling the truth, the relaxation that comes with not sneaking around and lying, I have felt these things before, and I am feeling them again now. I have always wanted the best for myself, but I have realized the best is what I already have.