Spring Cleaning

You can't lose something you never had.

That doesn't mean your heart can't break over the failed anticipation..

An old elementary school friend posted on facebook the other night about a video tape she was watching from 13 years ago. I am in that video tape, I was there that night. So was my mom. 13 years ago my mom died, just a few months after that tape was made. She told me my mom was in that tape, and I would stop at nothing to get a copy of it. I sent her my address and my thank you's in advance, and offered to pay the shipping and duplication costs. I called my dad and messaged my sister. This was it, this was what I've been waiting years and years for. I have just a small handful of photos of my mom, no videos, no letters, cards, anything but a few personal items to remember her by, this was going to change my life forever. I'd be able to show my husband and my children how beautiful and strong my mom was, and I'd be able to cherish her forever.

The next morning I woke up to a message in my inbox, my heart was racing, I knew this was it! As I read the message, my heart fell to my feet and my stomach tied itself in knots. She's not on the tape. All my hopes had been smashed to pieces. The last hour of the tape had been recorded over. Maybe she was in that last hour, maybe she wasn't. I'll never know.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about her, that video tape, and myself. Would that really have been her on that tape, or just what I wanted her to be? 13 years is a long time, but my memories will never change. Yesterday, Dustin and I decided to do some "spring cleaning" and de-cluttering around the house. Our house isn't big and we can use all the space we can get. We went through at least 3 garbage bags just throwing out old junk and things we haven't used in a year or more. I started with the cabinets in the kitchen, organizing and pitching old tupperware, cups, pots and pans, etc.

I came across this mug, and I knew what it meant. She's with me, always, and no video tape or picture is going to change that. I have held onto things over the years, just because I couldn't bring myself to see them go. I have felt like by throwing away her things, I was throwing her away too, out of my life, and I wouldn't be able to remember. I will always remember. I went through my cabinets and pitched a stack of cups, bowls, plates, all sorts of things. Honestly, it felt good. I needed to cleanse my cabinets, and my life, of the things that have been weighing me down. I will never rid my life of my mother, material things are just that, material things. My life is what it is without her in it physically, but I know she is with me, and I know I make her proud.