Finding Love

Before I get into the nity gritty, I want to say this is post #300!! Thank you to all my faithful (and sporadic) readers out there! Whether or not I even know you, that makes no difference. You're there for me and I appreciate you! Now, here we go.

Every person comes with their own skeletons in the closet, we all bear scars-both invisible and skin deep. We all expect to be loved just the way we are, and in hopes of finding that special someone, we do all we can to cover the damages and pretend like they're not there. So what do you do when the scars are unable to be covored, or there's an illness you're stuck with for the rest of your life? I suppose when my children grow up, I'll have to ask them. For now, I only have my own experiences to reference, and they're not all that pretty.

When Dustin and I met, I hid so many things from him, I was damaged, broken, hurt. I thought if he knew the struggles I'd been through he'd never want to be with a person like me. I found out later we were so much alike, there was no sense in hiding the things that hurt me in the past, he had way too much to offer my future.

This afternoon while I was driving into town, I started thinking about things. I wasn't having a pity party, but I was feeling discouraged, sad, and scared. All 3 of my children are healthy, happy, and beautiful. I have nothing worth complaining about, but I will admit the future is terrifying.

I was looking at Lil D's back today while I got him dressed, and was admiring how nice it was coming along, however, the scar will still be ugly. The vitamin E has brought the brightness down some, it's helped soften the skin, but I know it will never go away. My heart was saddened thinking one day he'll fall in love, and some special girl's heart will be captivated by his gorgeous smile and those baby blue eyes. In the midst of loving what the eye can see, that girl will have to love his scar, too. She will have to admire the beauty in his ability to walk and run, and not see the ugly line left behind by the struggles. No one can love a boy like his mother, I can say that's a fact. I hope one day he finds a girl who's willing to try.

Diabetes is always hovering in the back of my mind, it's like a bad dream that will never go away. A haunting of sorts, a silent killer. Being a mother is a full time job, but tie in diabetes and you're talking double time and a half. The sleepless nights don't stop, the worry never goes away, the fear of leaving your child with a sitter is breathtaking, and not in a good way. I know as she grows older, it will become more Laila's responsibility, and less of mine, but that's no consolation prize I'm holding out for.

Agreeing to marry someone means you take on their life and love, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. One day, my beautiful daughter is going to grow up and start dating, and eventually marry. The mere thought of trusting my precious baby's life with another person's is enough to make me ill. I don't know how I'll cope, I have a difficult time leaving her with the nurse at school for a few hours each day, and I live minutes away. One day this man she loves will have to love her back so completely, so truly, and be willing to care for her during the times she can't care for herself. He'll have to constantly watch for her highs and lows, be prepared for the stares, questions, and whispers, and do it all with a smile on his face and love in his heart. I know it's possible, anything is possible, but her knight in shining armor have to make it worth it.

I hope one day my heart opens to those my children choose to share their lives with. I pray I will have the confidence in myself now to be able to trust their decisions later. I have set the bar high for each of them, and I hope they set it even higher for themselves. Only time will tell, but I have a good feeling about this.