Lexapro

Today is day 5 of the Lexapro. These last few days have been some of the longest and hardest days of my life. I've been taking Citalopram for over 2 years now, and since I've had my son, it didn't seem as though it was doing what it used to. I've noticed a change, and not for the better, in myself and my actions. In order to switch to a new medication, I had to slowly stop taking the current pill and slowly start the new one. The introductory phase is the hardest, my body has frantically been trying to cope with symptoms I never knew I had.

Having anxiety, and dealing with it alone, is almost like feeding an addiction. In fact, it's exactly that. I find myself doing whatever I can to calm my nerves, and once something soothes me, I continue it in excess. Each time, I need a little more to calm down, the adrenaline is my drug, and I'm positively addicted.

I have a hard time feeling things anymore, I've spent such a long time blocking the hurt and the pain out, that I hardly feel anything at all. When I discovered plucking my hair out (of numerous places on my body) was something I could feel, I was instantly hooked. I have let it get so out of control that my dad took my tweezers away, hid them, and even removed them from my home.

The way I feel inside is similar to the way I felt when I was craving a cigarette. The shaky, irritable feeling that can only be relieved when you take that first sweet drag, that's how I feel inside most of the day, except there is no relief. The small rush I feel when I pluck my hair out is growing weaker and weaker each time. Coming down off a cocaine high, feeling out of control and completely lost, that is how it feels to be me.

My poor children, they are taking the blunt of my problems. Their voices, their fighting and arguing, makes my anxiety rage through the roof. I can't stand to be touched, it pains me to even hear them breathe at times. My husband has to deal with my sour attitude, my lack of interest in the things I used to enjoy, and my inability to stay focused.

The Lexapro is a desparete cry for help, I hope someone, somewhere out there can relate to me and can understand I am not choosing this. No one wants to feel alone, sad, and uncomfortable in their own skin. This is not the highlight of my day, or something I'm proud of. This is a cross I bear, and my shoulders are becoming too weary to carry this weight alone. Please, pray with me, that we may have finally found the answer.