Calling All Cars...

Lately, I just haven't been feeling like doing much of anything. I don't want to write, I haven't been reading before bed, I don't even want to bake. I've been in a funk and I need to get out of it, and fast! I hate feeling like this, the desire to do everything is gone. The need to get up every day, shower, get dressed, and spend time with my kids- it's not there. I don't want to wake up one day and regret spending my life wasting away on the couch while my kids laugh and play without me, but I just can't seem to get motivated.

My OCD is challenging me again. This afternoon I felt lower than low. Unlike most OCD where people touch something a certain number of times or obsessively wash their hands, I pick. And pick. And pick. And honestly, it hurts. I scratch at my skin, pick my cuticles, and pluck my hair. Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it, and once I realize what I've started, I can't stop. In the car today I found a tiny piece of skin on my finger that needed to go, heaven forbid I leave it alone, and I ended up pulling skin off the entire side of my finger next to my nail. It was bleeding and hurt so bad, but I just couldn't stop. I asked Dustin to put a band-aid on it for me, and I felt so embarrassed as he shook his head when he saw what I had done.

Last week, with no real recognition of doing it, I scratched the back of my head until it was raw. My finger nails were covered in blood and my head was burning so badly I was in tears. I had to have Dustin brush my hair for me, I couldn't bring myself to touch it. I hate what I'm doing to myself, I hate what I am. It's uncontrollable, and frightening.

Maybe, one day, there will be a cure for this that doesn't require popping pills every day that make me so exhausted I can't move my arms or legs. I can't be this. I can't do this anymore. I have to find a solution to keep me from harming myself, but how? Someone, somewhere, please help.

Calling all cars...