Calcification of the Heart

At 18 weeks 3 days, I went and had the big "size and dates" ultrasound, and found out we're having a boy. We are all looking forward to having a little version of my husband running around, it all sounded too good to be true. After the ultrasound, the tech sent in a specialist to go over the results with me. I couldn't figure out why, everything looked good to us, and she kept snapping all kinds of photos and telling us how great he looked. Mr. Dr. Specialist walks in with a paper in his hand and my heart sank, there must be something seriously wrong with my baby and this is who's going to tell me? He slowly went through the results, telling me everything measured fantastic, and even rescanning my belly, and then he stopped and froze the screen. To the blind eye, it was just another view of the baby, but this shot told the Doctor the baby had a spot of calcification on his heart. That's one of 12 things they look for to detect things like Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, and Downs Syndrome. Obviously, if you know me, I went home and pretended to be fine, not a care in the world. Then I spent the whole next day looking like I just got in a fight because my eyes were so swollen. With the girls' pregnancies, and this one as well, I refused all testing for any disorders, figuring it wouldn't change my love for the unborn baby I was carrying. This changed everything.

Waiting 3 weeks for my follow-up visit with my OB has been a nail biter-literally. I have spent the last 3 weeks freaking out and trying to decide what's best, to take the blood test and see what it says, or do nothing. I went to the doctor today and she told me I better not lose a wink of sleep over that little spot! It actuallywill be about the size of a grain of sand once he reaches adulthood, it never changes size, but he will, so it'll appear smaller. It's a piece of tissue that's hardened, she said if anything, it may actually help his heart to function better because it's an artery that's just a bit hardened, with calcium. Now, I feel better, a million times better. She said not to even fret about it, 1 out of 12 is such a small number of abnormalities, and this is the most common of all "abnormalities", she said she sees it in about 20% of all her patients. By my calculations (and the photos of babies she's delivered all over every exam room), that's a lot!! I have been holding it all inside this whole time, trying to make sure everyone knows I am A-O-K! I can't express the amout of guilt, anxiety, anger, shame, embarrassment, and other feelings I have felt these past few weeks. Not only did I feel terrible for ever saying I didn't want a son, but now this? A son who could potentially be special needs? I don't want or need this in my life, not now, not ever. I have felt a wave of emotions since reading that letter. I have felt the strength to get through this, the courage and bravery to face whatever challenges he may hold, and peace in my heart knowing he is my son no matter what. Did I feel these things for nothing? Were these feelings in vain? No, I am a stronger person now, and I can handle anything, and even though I know there's nothing wrong with my son, I may still need all the help I can get! After today, I can finally take a deep breath and move on knowing my son is going to be just fine. After all, he is my son.