The Smith's

The Smith's

March 27, 2010

I digress.

As of late, I have noticed things in my life have been shifting. I've been meeting new people, and trying new things. I've expanded the mom's group to incorporate outings and more events, and many new people have joined. Still, something's not right. I feel more alone now than I have in a long time.

I have no shortage of "friends", but these friends don't seem real to me. Are they people I could call in the middle of the night? No, probably not. Would they run out and grab me a chalupa if I couldn't leave the house? I doubt it. Sure, they may come to my kids' birthday parties or show up to a bbq, but it seems like they're there for the good, and when the going gets tough, they split. Is this my fault, or theirs? My vote goes to me. I have a way of sabotaging things beyond repair.

So why is it that I have such a hard time letting people in? I have no trouble shutting them out, that's for sure. I bet probably one out of every five know my last name, and one out of every 20 my middle name. I bet they don't know the things my kids like, what I enjoy doing for fun, or even where I'm from. They always say, quality counts for more than quantity, but I find myself struggling with both. I feel like my "friends" are dropping like flies, finding someone better, someone with more money, more spontaneous, more whatever-to hang out with. I feel "not good enough" on a daily basis, but what I can't figure out is why this even matters? I have a few friends that know me inside and out, and I have my husband and children, without them, I don't know who I'd be.

For some reason, I sit here and blame myself. Why can't I seem to keep a friend, a real, true friend? All these "fair weather" friends are obviously something I don't want in my life, I don't need to bargain or beg for someone's attention, but what is it I'm doing wrong? How is it I am meeting all the wrong people, and everyone else seems to have these fabulous friendships? This is why I think it's me, I have to, because I can't believe that much of the human population has better luck than I do. Maybe I'm wrong...I just wish someone would prove it.

Tonight, I digress.
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2 comments:

  1. FitNotQuitJessMarch 28, 2010 at 7:47 PM

    I feel the same way Joli. Only I had to leave all my REAL friends and now I have nobody. I can't make new friends. I blame it on not having time and I use Jerimiah as my shield because the one person I let 100% into my life broke me so bad emotionally I just can't do that again, so I sit at home alone.

    BTW: If I lived closer I would TOTALLY get you a chalupa! :-)

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  2. B JazzMarch 28, 2010 at 9:12 PM

    Making friends is hard. Really hard. It's hard to choose the right people to let in and to trust them fully. "Fairweather" friends have potential to be "forever" friends. It doesn't happen over night my love. It happens over time. How do you know that you cannot call them in the middle of the night? Have you tried? My mom always told me, "You are by the company you keep." Probably the best advice I've ever received. Weed out the bad and nourish the good. Remember friendship is a two-way street. It's easy to think that people are put in your life for a reason. But sometimes we forget to look at the converse. Sometimes, YOU are put in people's lives for a reason. Maybe these friendships are only supposed to last for a season or two. Who really knows the answer. All you can do is continue to be the great person that you are, and as long as you stay true to yourself, true friends will never leave you. Give it time and patience. Friendship is like a flower. It needs all the right things to make it grow. If it is missing something, it will wilt and die. If it gets everything it needs, it blossoms. Cheesy? Maybe. But true nonetheless. You're not doing anything wrong. You're at that point in your life where you have to be careful of the friends you choose because if they stay around, they have the potential to help mold and shape your children. The frienships you have and cherish will be reflected in those of Laila's and Kenadi's relationships that they have already begun forming. You're a good mom and a good person, Joli. I wouldn't waste my breath telling you so often if I didn't know it was true. Your heart is guarded, and it's understandable. Completely just. There's no way I can argue that. However, piece by piece, you have to try to break that guard down. I can't even begin to tell you how to do that. But I know you can, and someday will. I have faith in you. And for what it's worth...I consider you a very good friend. One of my best. I love you! xoxoxo

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