Mother's Day

Every year, Mother's day is new, different, uncertain. Each year brings surprises-babies being born, jobs changing, kids growing, friendships being made-it's a whirlwind I will never be prepared for. When I think of my mother, my memories are faint and few, and my heart is saddened. Losing her when I was young sent me into a downward spiral-I deliberately chose the path I knew was wrong because I knew she wasn't there to tell me no. Now that I'm a mother of my own, I choose the path I think she would have taken herself, she's one of my greatest inspirations.

When I first became a mother, nearly 6 years ago, I had no idea what life held in store for me. I knew about the sleepless nights, I was prepared for the dirty diapers and the late night teething pain. I read every book I could get my hands on, I talked to my sisters and friends, I thought I was ready. What I wasn't prepared for were the sleepless nights I would spend by choice, sitting on the floor next to my child's bed, watching them dream of sweets and sugar. I never pictured myself folding laundry in all shapes and sizes, smiling inside as I remember when my oldest was just a baby. No one could have told me it would be possible to love someone so much it hurt, it seemed impossible to feel so strongly about another human before they even existed.

After having Laila, I knew motherhood was exactly what I needed in my life. My life was turned upside down, I had gained weight that I still haven't lost, I stopped buying makeup and found myself saving my pennies to purchase frilly, pretty dresses instead. I no longer smelled like perfume, but spit-up and baby food. I traded in my flat iron and hair dryer for a stack of ponytail holders, and there were days I was lucky to leave the house. Somehow, none of this mattered to me, as long as I could see my baby smile. The first time I heard an I love you, I thought the world might come to a screeching halt. Finally, I had known my hard work was paying off. Looking at her now, she's turning into such a gorgeous little girl, and eventually a woman, and I know I've made the right choices. Now, nearly 6 years later, I juggle more than just a kindergarten child and her activities-I handle a diabetic little girl that needs me every step of the way. When I agreed to be a mom, I didn't sign up for this, these are the stories you read, the movies you watch, not the life I wanted, but it's the life I love.

Once I found out about Kenadi, I was surprised, happy, and sad all at the same time. I never pictured myself as a mother, and having one child was more than I could handle at times. I found myself scared, angry, and unhappy through much of my pregnancy. It wasn't new anymore, it wasn't the first time, and therefor, less exciting. The doctor appointments became routine, the desire wasn't there, I was convinced no one could compare to the life I created when Laila was born, and a huge part of me hated myself for it. Honestly, up until the moment she was placed on my chest and in my arms, I wasn't sure this was the right decision. Instantly, everything changed, and I felt like she was sent here just for me. A little mini-me was born, and she melts my heart every day. Her free spirit brightens my whole world when I'm down, I don't know where I would be today without her in my life.

My dreams of having a son were quickly vanishing the longer we waited to have another child. Dustin and I decided two was more than enough, and even though we didn't have a son, we were content. One day, I made the decision for the both of us that we would give it one more shot. The day the ultrasound tech confirmed we were having a son was one of the happiest days of my life. Not only was our little family complete, I was able to fulfill one of my husband's dreams, to carry along his name through his son. Seeing him now, through the struggles we have already endured, is breathtaking. I can hardly believe a baby so small, so fragile, has come so far. He gives me hope, strength, and faith I never knew existed. With him, I pull from the depths of my soul, and I know this is what life is all about.

Last night, I tucked each of my kids into bed, and I smiled. I have created this, I am a mother, they are each my precious gifts. I hold their lives in the palm of my hand, there has never been a responsibility greater, and a bigger reward at the end of every trying day. The road to contentment hasn't been easy, it's been long and difficult, but worth every minute, and every, "I love you". My dear, sweet children, I love you more than anything in this world. Thank you for being mine.