I found a friend

I struggle to make friends, that's no secret, and nothing I'm afraid to admit. I'm rude, stubborn, calloused, brash-and to be honest, I'm fine with that. It's taken me a long time to peel away the layers, chip away at my own wall to find who I really am, and this is me. If it's been such a painful process for me to figure out who I am, one can only imagine how guarded I am when it comes to others.

This afternoon, I showed up at my friend's doorstep, unannounced, and was met with a smile. We chatted, giggled, even shared the most delicious home made jam and bread. Our kids played and we looked through grocery store sales ads. We share clothing, parenting advice, recipes, and some of our deepest, darkest secrets. On my way home from her house, I started wondering how this happened. How, against my will, though I tried my hardest to keep people out, this person managed to sneak her way in. It's true, I've found a real friend.

There is no worry in my friendship, that I'm not goood enough, that I don't buy the right clothes or style my hair just the right way. I never fret about the stains on my furniture, the food in my pantry, or the pennies in my bank account. I've been happy, sad, drunk, loud, mean, funny, and just myself in her presence, and never once have I been turned away, or did I feel uncomfortable. To call it refreshing would be an understatement, I've been through a world of bad relationships, an abusive ex-husband, friends who have used me, and siblings who have treated me like a child. Now, here is someone who has understood me, supported me, even given me the truth when the truth hurts, and I'm terrified. I'm worried I'll be the one to ruin it, to screw it up, to say something dumb or hurtful and lose this amazing thing I've found.

If all she's ever asked is for me to be myself, and all I've ever needed was her to be herself, I think we're a friendship made in heaven. Where I am lacking, she is abundant. Where she is confused, I have experience. I have dreamed of having a friendship like this growing up, and can't believe it's been right under my nose this whole time, I've just been to afraid to see it. Now that I've revealed the true me, and it's not as scary as I thought, this should be a walk in the park.